Perhaps the hardest thing to comprehend, and accept, about sociopaths is just how different they are from the rest of us.
I’ve spoken to hundreds of people who have tangled with sociopaths. Even when the mask has not only slipped, but shattered, even when they know the truth about what the sociopath has been doing all along, they still ask,
“But how could he do it?”
“He kept telling me how much he loved me; how could he cheat like that?”
“He said we were soul mates; how can he just up and leave?”
“How can he be so cold and calculating?”
“How can he look me right in the eye and lie?”
(Substitute “she” for “he” as necessary.)
Then, the people I talk to start making statements like the following:
“I would never think of taking someone’s money.”
“I would never intentionally hurt someone.”
“If I said something like that, I couldn’t sleep at night.”
“I would never tell someone that I loved them if I didn’t mean it.”
So here is the most important lesson to learn about sociopaths: You cannot interpret their behavior in the same way you interpret your own behavior.
Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the rest of us. They have a personality disorder, and this disorder reaches to the core of their beings. Here’s what this means:
- Sociopaths cannot feel empathetic connections with other people.
- Sociopaths do not have the ability to love.
- Sociopaths are interested only in power, control and sex.
- Sociopaths’ main motivation is to win.
- Anything that comes out of a sociopath’s mouth could be a lie.
- Sociopaths have no conscience.
You could think of them as aliens. I’m not saying that they literally are aliens (although there are people who believe that). But sociopaths are missing the characteristics, traits and abilities that make us truly human.
For most of us, this realization is a shock to the system. They look just like the rest of us. They appear to be so normal, talented, fun and exciting. They keep proclaiming their love. It’s so hard to believe that they are simply acting. It’s all a charade, a mirage.
What do you do with this information? You accept it. Sociopaths are what they are, and once they are adults, there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. So far, there is no therapy, no magic pill, that will give them the ability to feel care and concern for others, or internalize a sense of right and wrong.
All we can do is know that they exist, learn the warning signs, and when we see them, run as fast as we can.
Raquel310
This is such a great article!! It helps to remind ourselves that although they physically look human, they are really not emotionally human beings.
yellowsubmarine
These ARE human beings who have a disorder of the mind, reflected in their personality, individuals who commit heinous acts that the majority of society disapproves and for which they are mostly punished by death. We need to figure out why they exist, and we are very close to decipher this question. Let’s not forget that not too long ago Blacks, Indians and other native peoples were enslaved under the belief that they were not human. That Hitler killed homosexuals because his system believed that sexually they were not human beings, as were not ethnic peoples that he didn’t like. When one is the victim of a psychopath it’s easy to call them “the other, the sicko, the crazy.” This is due to ignorance, and only knowledge will help us find a way to live without violence, insecurity, crime, and self-perpetuating disorders of the mind.
Sunnygal
Raquel- well said.
Sunnygal
this is terrific.
Sunnygal
they sure are different.
Sunnygal
Very good article.
yellowsubmarine
This is a wonderful article with a scientific basis and a caring sentiment. It has the most actualized information about psychopathic conditions, and it is very informative for all levels of readers.
But what we need to reflect on today is why psychopaths exist. From the anthropological point of view, nature makes no mistakes. There is a reason why psychopaths don’t have empathy. If you don’t have feelings, you don’t suffer. It is believed by some scientists that the “terrible twos” is the onset of narcissism. This is the moment when the infant who is neglected to the max, or extremely abused must “choose” (although the choice is made by nature): “do I continue forgiving these folk that treat me like garbage? If so, I will become a codependent, forever trying to reach their approval and love.” Suddenly, the child quits caring for his kitty, pulls his tail and that makes him laugh. The next beating won’t hurt, and he won’t even cry. Nature removed empathy from this child, who now can skin his kitty alive and in the future will beat all women he meets and won’t have empathy. But the childhood weapon against suffering (lack of empathy) will continue on with this individual for as long as s/he lives. From now on they will grift for a living, since they cannot care for anybody’s feelings, except theirs. The fact that their brain is definitely affected is now a fact, and the limbic area is seriously impaired (where feelings are produced).
So we can say that psychopathy and particularly lack of empathy, in this case are adaptive, that is, that there is a reason for the lack of empathy to exist. It happened to prevent the child from suffering during his/her neglect/abuse. From now on this child will not care about those arseholes around him and his only feeling will be anger, his motive to continue living to satisfy undefined emotional need by emulating those who hurt him in childhood.
We won’t ever be able to cure this child/adult who doesn’t have empathy, a person who can do any harm to anybody without regrets. But we, however, who call ourselves “normal,” we DO HAVE EMPATHY. Calling mentally disordered individuals aliens, monsters, sickos makes US “unempathetic” with the mentally-disordered. Psychopaths may be aware of the daily choices they make, but they do not choose to be disordered. Who would? We know how unhappy they are.
The key is in parenting, since we have been knowing since forever that personality disorders and perhaps all mental illnesses originate in childhood. The only route to eliminate the existence of these dysfunctional characters that we love to hate is education and stop procreating with them, since we know now that mental disorders such as psychopathy are transmitted in their DNA.
Sunnygal
They sure are aliens. I miss the picture.