When I first met my ex-husband, James Montgomery, whom I now believe is a sociopath, he treated me like gold.
His attentiveness started with our initial e-mail correspondence. Yes, we met via the Internet, but he lived nearby—I wasn’t worried about the pitfalls of a long-distance relationship. During our three weeks of preliminary correspondence—his notes were clever and well-written—he made it clear that he was interested in me.
When we did meet, Montgomery was attentive, charming and entertaining. He asked questions and listened to my answers. He was quick to pay me compliments. Yes, he talked about himself a lot, but he was intelligent and intriguing, so I didn’t mind—I felt like I was getting to know him.
Significantly, when Montgomery said he would call me, he did. Now, before I met him, I spent a lot of years in the dating game. Many, many times, I heard, “I’ll call you,” and then the person who said the words fell off the planet. So a man who followed through with this basic courtesy—well, that scored some points.
Trying to impress me
So, in the beginning of our encounter—I don’t want to call it a relationship—he did everything a man who was trying to impress a woman would do. He wore a sport coat when he took me out to dinner. He brought me little gifts. I interpreted these gestures as signs of his budding affection.
Many Lovefraud readers—both women and men—have told me similar stories about the beginning of their encounters with sociopaths. “He asked me how he could make my dreams come true,” said one woman. “She would do anything for me—nothing was too much trouble,” said a man.
That’s how they get us hooked.
Excellent social skills
Had my ex-husband behaved like a jerk in the beginning—stood me up, acted out in public, flirted with other women in front of me—I would have dumped him. He did none of those things. While he was reeling me in, he was a perfect gentleman.
Of course, I now know that he was on a mission to find a supply, and was simultaneously treating several other women exactly the same way. Apparently, I was the first to bite. He proposed; I accepted. Yes, it was far too soon—but I’d heard all those fairy tales about love at first sight. Why couldn’t it happen to me? I didn’t realize that all his expressions of affection were empty lies.
It would certainly be easier to spot sociopaths if they always acted like jerks. Unfortunately, they don’t, at least in the beginning. Many of them have excellent social skills. But eventually their true, disordered personalities are revealed—they are despicable con artists, out to take what they want, even if it destroys us.
Take your time and pay attention
We can’t allow ourselves to be blinded by Prince or Princess Charming. Under all the sweet nothings, there may truly be nothing, only a hollow shell of a human being. A sociopath.
So what can we do? When meeting someone new, be aware, and take your time. Ask questions. Go slow. Pay attention to inconsistencies. If your instincts tell you something is wrong, listen.
I am still coming out of the ending phases of a relationship of someone I consider to be a sociopath. Everything I have read on every site hits the nail dead on. It is so hard to delete a person like this from your life because they do lure you on.
I just moved from our home today, and I have always had significant issue with change. He has not lived there for two months since he engaged in a fight with me, resulting in a black eye and a temporary order of protection. I found out he cheated on me with three women, and it was like the truth was never completely out there. First there were no women, and he even created an email address to pretend to be one of the women I was always nervous about, talking to me for four months, apologizing for trying to “take my man”. Then it came out that he really had cheated, but only with the one woman. Then a month down the road, I was suicidal at this point (and not for the first time) because I felt like everything I once had was slipping through my fingers. At that point, it came out that he’d cheated on me with two more women (one of which he’s with now).
My apartment got broken into, and the police think it was me! They had no proof it was him, and it wasn’t about taking money as my purse was left. At this point, he’s still stringing me along, and for whatever reason, I allow myself to be…. one article said, “Some look at it as the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.” That hits it right on the head for me. In the beginning, our relationship was beyond my wildest dreams, and I always hoped that we could find our way back to that.
It is so hard, and I still have not broken free myself. I have contacted both of the ex-loves-of-his-life, but he has had some 30 ex girlfriends…. never been faithful to any of them. The two significant ones both told me to run and never talk to him again. Ironically, he’s never spoken ill of either of them, and now all of a sudden, the one he cherished the most is a “dirty slut”. He would be pissed at anyone for speaking ill of her at all, and now that I have befriended her and spoken with her, that spell is broken. The other, he’s said has convinced herself of all of these lies. Funny how the story keeps twisting. In one article (perhaps this one, I don’t remember now), I read something about how it was so tangling to try to sit and figure it all out, but you wind up engaging in that all day long. That is exactly what I have been doing, and it is one big headache. Supposedly a fake email account pretending to be him was contacting me, and all night I thought it was him, only to have them tell me it was really someone else, but not identify themselvse. I even demanded to hear from him, got a phone call, with the Caller ID clearly identifying his work…. and heard his voice say “I love you” on the other line before hanging up. And I honestly have questioned whether the whole thing really was him. It’s like he has me questioning my own sanity, and I wonder if that is what the ultimate purpose of his game is?
I would like to know, if anyone does, what the point really is? Do they enjoy hurting others? Is it more than that? What is the goal? Part of me thought it was to chase me out of town, which it has… I am moving entirely in a month. But a good friend of mine pointed out that he is feeding off of me right now, and would not honestly want to chase me off.
Where do the intense emotions they display come from? Is THAT what they feed on? Believing it themselves that they have these powerful emotions, but that in the end, it inevitably turns bad?
His hook was always to tell women of the “demon” he used to be…. and he would honestly refer to himself as a demon, and how he wonders if he can ever really be anything different, or if this “good” side to him is simply masking it. He even told me one night when things were wonderful that he hopes if he ever cheated on or abused me, that I would run, because I did not deserve that and he strongly felt that it was a possibility his “bad alterego” could come back to life after being silent for “years” he claimed. I believe now that he probably simply wanted me to see the good in him and truly believe it was there. But does HE believe the good in him is there? I have talked to him about the possibility of him being a sociopath before, and he seems to think it plausible, but is not sure. I wonder if they do know their own motives. If anyone has any answers to my questions, I would love to hear them…. or even theories.
Dear cdaniel,
I truly understand your need to tell your story and to find answers. I don’t think there are answers. I have spent many nights trying to figure it all out myself. My ex was formerly a Minister and I kept trying to figure out how that was possible given the way he was treating me. He also claimed that he was a fast learner and once he realized he was doing something wrong, “it is never to be again.” I noticed that he had a lot of drama in his speech. Anyway, my advice is try to let go of needing to know why it all was the way it was. Trying to make sense of a Sociopath’s actions will only make you feel crazy because their world only makes sense to them. See how it’s working already? You stated that you have sometimes felt as if you are losing your mind. And the suicidal thoughts… I had that too for a period of time. The hook that they hang out there is so powerful that we go for it beyond our own reasoning, like moths hitting a light over and over until they finally hit the ground, dead or destroyed.
One day you will be able to look back and understand that you fell for someone that doesn’t exist, not truly. It was all a scam.. even the very best moments. There was a period of time that I call “relationship crack” (not that I know what crack is like!) but the point is, I was so hooked and I had NEVER been happier in my life than in those 2 weeks… but after that, it was gone. All I wanted was to be back in that moment. That was the moment when I thought all my dreams were coming true. Sound familiar? I even called my Dad to tell him, “I’ve met the man of my dreams.” You know what he said? “Honey, be careful.”
When you move, if you can, change all your contact information and don’t give him the new address. Just disappear. Don’t call, don’t engage, don’t answer, close the door forever. I guarantee every time this man contacts you, you will have a string of sleepless nights. The sooner you let go completely, the sooner you will be able to get your heart back. I have found a lot of healing here on this site simply because I hear my own story over and over and it helps me to know that others have gone through this and they felt every single thing I felt. It makes no sense and yet there it is… like a formula he is following and you were following your end of it too without knowing it. Congratulations on making it to the “end” of this thing. If you need any support, I am happy to give it via email. It gives meaning to my own suffering if I can help anyone here to get through the fog.
I have a friend who went through a similiar experience as me and she called me almost every morning for a month and asked me “Am I doing the right thing? Tell me I am doing the right thing.” You are doing the right thing. He is NOT the man of your dreams and he never was. It’s all smoke and mirrors.
Good luck cdaniel.
cdaniel, all you can do right now is start your journey to recovery. You cannot go thru the rest of your life without dealing/coping with this step. Although it is not always fun, it is vital. I have been rid of my pyscho now for 8 mos. and doing much better than I ever thought. Do NOT question if it was you, I did the same thing in the begining. With the help of this website and a book on the subject I discovered what I was dealing with.
On our first date, he was super charming, interested in getting to know me, polite, sweet, etc.. It was the first time in 52 years that ever happened to me. In fact when my sister asked me the next day how my date went with this guy, I said “he did everythig right”.
Today, if that was to happen I would run. Now I know that is not particulary normal. This article is about what they do. They “act” perfect to hook you in for whatever reason is on the agenda. But in reality, they are jerks, actually this is too kind of a word. I see my pyscho in a nearby community every now and then by accident (my parents live there) and he glares at me with a hateful look almost as if I did something wrong. It’ s like I read somewhere that they turn on their victims afterwards for some weird reason even though they did not do anything wrong. Now looking at him this way puts it into perspective. That is truly who he is, not the suave, kind, complimentary, sweet, polite, affectionite guy I met on the first date. Now I can see who he really is.
As far as motives, I guess it is just what the articles say. They need power, especially over women. I do think is this where they get their kicks from. My pyscho never had a long lasting relatinship with a women and I think it is because either they get bored with them,( love doesn’t esist), or they dumped him when they caught on to him. And I don’t think he especially respects women. Hang in there and do not let this person ruin the rest of your life by questioning yourself. Good luck.
cdaniel,
I have been seperated from my psycho for 3 months now. I understand completely, as I’m sure everyone on this board does, how you feel you are so obsessed with finding the truth and trying to make sense of it all. Through spending hours upon hours looking through public records I have found a lot of info I didn’t know about my soon to be ex. Through one of his divorces he was court ordered to undergo psychological evaluation. He was found to be a sex addict, has poor judgement, a self admitted propensity for lying for no apparant reason, and low impulse control, all symptoms of sociopathy. I dont know if sociopathy was diagnosed back in 1995 when these tests were administered to him. He was also found with pedophilia tendencies, and his ex had found a video tape with him and his own son from a previous marraige. Very sick stuff. When I saw that it just took my breath away, that I actually shared my life with that man.
I have wanted so badly to call his ex but I’m afraid I don’t know what to say or how she will feel about my calling her. How did you do it?
I feel like I am beginning to heal. Some days are really overwhelming though. This week has been particularly bad since we go to court Friday, again.
I think contacting the ex, loserchooser, is a good idea. Just ask what their experience was. That’s all. They’ll tell you things you identify with and visa versa.
I was able to talk to someone who my psycho had dated and their similar experience helped me immensely to get over the bastard.
As to the question about where the psychos get their intensity in the emotions they act out — many times, I could see weirdness in my psycho’s emotional scenes. Responses to me that weren’t logical, and responses that were inconsistent with his extreme intelligence in non-emotional areas.
They are actors with emotions and if you look closely — they are not very good ones.
I support going over all the details of the relationship (but not ad infinitum) in order to see the lies in everything the psychos say and do. I think it is necessary in order to finally let go. The trick is to know when to stop analyzing.
“They are actors with emotions and if you look closely they are not very good ones.”
Yes! My bad man did that. I gave it a name: “inappropriate response.” I noticed right away that there was something not right about him emotionally. He gave me flowers but it seemed sort of robotic. He twisted up his face in weird contortions in order to “cry” and indicate he was sorry. I remember that it looked like watching a bad movie and it hit me in the stomach as not right. We have to pay attention to these things. I have been thinking about contacting the ex of my bad man. She was married to him for 16 years. I can only imagine what kind of hell she went through. I have been hesitating because I don’t want to disturb her peace but if I knew it would help her in any way, I would get on a plane and go give her a hug. This evening, I saw TWO postings on Craigslist warning people about this guy. It made my night and validated my experience. ALOHA… :o)
I have been divorced from what I know was a sociopath. We did not settle out of court until the very end of Jan of this year. I have cerebral palsy and when I met him in Jan of 1992 on the telephone of all things I was very desperate and had all the signs for him to swoop. We had our first date only that end of Feb and by May we were looking at engagement rings. I married him on Sept 3rd of 93. He wanted our anniversary to be 9393 geez. What I did not listen to was my parents friends, that told me not to marry him. He did all of the above I have been reading here. Bought me gifts while dating. He is a womanizer as I found out while being married to him.
The whole time we were married I had no idea of finances. He kept a separate checking acct and used charge cards like candy. I got out because he had the temper stuff going on and was very arragant can’t spell. He has totally ruined my credit and am trying to repair that now. I am the one that filed for divorce. He also is a computer freak by takiing to young girls on line. I found files on here just recently where he dated them too.
I know he married me because I was his best deal and he used to call me his 401k. I mentioned credit but he forged my nane on several cc checks and my atty is helping me clear my name so I can restore my credit. He got us into so much dept I have nightmares at times. This is my first time here. I am in counseling over this guy. Thanks!
I wish I could explain what happened. I can’t. I cannot get my arms around it. I am very analytical, and even about my own moods and personality, I can be very objective recognizing patterns. But, this, this took me by surprise. He used to say, “don’t ask me something if you’re not ready to hear the answer because I won’t lie to you.” Now, almost five years later, it turns out almost everything was a lie. And, of course, it was all my fault because if I hadn’t gone “snooping,” I would never have found out. He went so far as to accuse me of invading his privacy when I found most information on the internet and threatened to have his attorney file a motion to prevent me from even typing his name on my keyboard. So, I changed my locks, changed my phone numbers (all of them), and have asked my attorney to handle any personal property issues that remain. I’m sorry, I wish I could be more forthcoming, but I feel so at odds right now. I have my first counseling appointment this Friday night, and I’m hoping she can help me come to grips with this sociopath who invaded my life five years ago.
Our stories sound very much alike all though I have only been away a little over a year I still have anxiety and panic attacks over what he did. I am just very thankful I am out of a terrible situation before he ruined me financially. I feel blessed for that. He lied from day one about his career and everything. I have very bad trust issues.
pokeybanana,
Your sociopath, making everything your fault, sounds a lot like mine. Everything that ever happened was my fault. (I had no idea I was so powerful!).
On the rare occasion when he did something that was totally, provably his fault, something that no one else could be blamed for, then he would make a very fake and insincere apology, and immediately attack me for making him feel bad. It wasn’t his fault for doing something bad. It was my fault for making him feel bad about his actions. He would do this whether or not I said something about what he had done. It was just as if my mere existence and the fact that I knew what he had done was an accusation.
For him, the best defense was a good offense. He never missed an opportunity to attack.
My advice with counseling is that if you find a good therapist – Great! A bad therapist will try to get you to change yourself, as if something in you was responsible for the sociopath’s behavior. If you get a bad therapist, leave immediately. It’s not that those of us who are victims of sociopaths are faultless ourselves. Certainly we are human and fallible, too. But the sociopath magnifies our faults in addition to projecting his faults onto us. Don’t let a therapist help him do this. The biggest fault of the sociopath’s victim is not being able to spot him. I have read many articles written by professionals and they often cannot spot the sociopath, either, until late in the game. So, get reassurance from your therapist. Get armor to protect yourself from the sociopath and from any that you may meet in the future. Don’t allow a therapist to add to your guilt or cut into your self-esteem.
Best to you.