This week I have been reading Jon Ronson’s book The Psychopath Test. It’s been on my list of ”˜must reads’ since it came out earlier this year, and just a couple of days ago I downloaded it on to my Kindle. I finished it within 24hours.
Jon Ronson is a British journalist who, among many other things, wrote the film Men Who Stare At Goats, which was made in to a movie starring George Clooney and Ewan McGregor. Jon interviewed my friend Mary Turner Thomson (author of “The Bigamist” detailing her marriage to the sociopath Will Jordan) and became fascinated with the subject of psychopaths. He subsequently attended Dr Robert Hare’s training programme to understand the PCL-R checklist that many of us on this site are only too familiar with. Ronson’s book explores the diagnostic methods for identifying personality disorders and details his own experiences interviewing people who scored highly on Dr Hare’s checklist scale. It’s a fascinating read — no surprises for those of us who have been there and seen it — and I am just glad that he has provided us with another resource that can be added to the list of useful educational tools.
I am delighted to tell you that I will be attending that very same course next week. I am hugely excited about the prospect and am very much looking forward to meeting Dr Hare himself so that I can thank him for helping me in my personal journey to reclaim my life while (just!) keeping my sanity. This is why I have once again been devouring further material on the subject. And this is how, on Dr Hare’s website, I came across a fascinating new film that explores psychopathy. It was released on 11th September this year and is called Fishead.
Fishead — The Movie
There is an ancient Chinese saying that says a fish rots and stinks from the head, which is how the makers of this movie settled on the name. It relates to the heads of industry, as well as to the human brain – which is arguably rotten in the case of psychopaths. The film explores the idea that our society is being progressively more controlled by sociopaths, as well as the suggestion that our increased use of medications such as anti-depressants is contributing to a manufactured set of psychopathic traits. Decreased empathy and reduction of emotional responses are, of course, side-effects of drugs that are designed to numb emotional pain — although I must say I had never thought about it in the way that the film portrays. If you are interested in exploring the movie and its makers, you’ll find all the details at www. www.fisheadmovie.com The film is free to watch, you just send off to them for a password.
So, anyway, all this additional material has been sparking new thoughts and prodding at old ones as well. And I am reminded of the expression “walking the talk”. Yes, it may be said that it’s now a well-worn cliché, and, for me it is still a short accurate description of authenticity. I myself know full well when I am walking my talk — and over recent years, it has been that approach that has pulled me through some of the darkest periods of my life!
As I am now re-exploring the workings of antisocioal personality disorders, it struck me that the sociopath can only ever talk the walk. They can never, I repeat never, walk the talk in the way that you and I can. I’ve heard other phrases like “they know the words and not the music” and the idea that “they can only dream in black and white” — but to me, now, when I think of “talking the walk” it describes my own experiences absolutely to a tee.
Authenticity
Just last week I met up with a client I am now proud to call my friend. This lady came to the conclusion that she could no longer thrive in the company where I met and have been working with her. Describing the place as “somewhere that seeks out and silences of gets rid of people who care” she has now moved on to another company that communicates authenticity at a human soul level. Not through some well thought out set of words that purport to describe the company values. Not through a carefully crafted website. Not through flashy promises of a golden career. Not even through white-teethed hand-shakes and a swanky dinner to seal the deal.
No, this company has actually been walking the talk. My client (I’ll call her Sarah) has already experienced the heartache and frustration of working within an organization that says one thing and does another. She knows first hand what it feels like to be encouraged to stand up and stand out, and then be shot down for having an opinion. She knows the debilitating confusion of being undermined, undervalued and pushed to the limit — for me, it’s just a shame that she had to experience that in order to fully appreciate the difference. The good thing is, though, that from now on she will settle for nothing less than an environment where she is valued and can make a difference. Never again will she allow herself to be belittled or underestimated. I absolutely believe her, and I’m glad.
“Do you know what Mel?” she grinned after telling me a particularly shocking account of a senior director’s inability to demonstrate compassion for his team “this new bunch wanted to know my birthday just so that it could be marked off as a holiday — on top of the usual holiday allowances!”
It doesn’t take much to help a person feel motivated. It takes a whole heap more to knock a person down. And it can take a huge amount more until we are prepared to move on and walk away.
People like you and me, you see, will automatically judge other people by the same set of values and behaviours that are naturally to us. Like us, people by nature tend to be forgiving “Oh, that’s ok, it’s just the way s/he is sometimes. It’s no big deal!” we might say when somebody does something that is upsetting to us or to others. “S/he’ll get over it, let’s just give them a chance!” And this is how the deliberate manipulator continues to win their games. This is how they keep on going, parasitically sucking the lifeblood from people (and organizations) just to fuel their personal whim — whatever that may be at the time. And because we naturally judge others by how we are ourselves, we cannot begin to comprehend that somebody else is playing by a whole different set of rules.
Powerful Experiences
The sociopath may be an expert at mimicking and manipulation, but s/he will never ever have the same richness of experiences that we can enjoy on a daily basis. They will never know what it feels like, what it really feels like to fall in love for example. To feel genuine friendship and connection with another human being. To experience joy, fear, sadness, peace, excitement and the myriad of other emotions that are at our disposal.
They may well think they are clever. I’m sure they think that they have one over on us because they can talk the walk to such a professional degree that they continue to control their willing targets. But you know what? Once we know what we’re dealing with, once we recognize the subtle gaps in their shows of emotion and understanding, then they have lost their power.
Yes, it’s a living nightmare working through the pain and confusion that is the aftermath of a sociopath’s influences. But you know what? So far as I’m concerned, I’d walk my talk a million times over rather than be doomed to the sociopath’s empty existence of gray numbness. And the more people who experience that void — through work, relationships, family, friends, or the growing educational resources — the more of us can join together and make a stand against these empty souls.
I don’t doubt there’s a battle ahead. And at the same time I am filled with confidence that together we can make a difference. I’m ready, and looking forward to exploring opportunities to increase our army. I’ll let you know how I get on with Dr Hare”¦
THANK YOU MEL!!
“Yes, it’s a living nightmare working through the pain and confusion that is the aftermath of a sociopath’s influences. But you know what? So far as I’m concerned, I’d walk my talk a million times over rather than be doomed to the sociopath’s empty existence of gray numbness. And the more people who experience that void ”“ through work, relationships, family, friends, or the growing educational resources ”“ the more of us can join together and make a stand against these empty souls.”
This is a jewel! A pearl of wisdom and truth that those of us who are in the battle can treasure! Sign me up! I will enlist!
Mel!
After so many years of trying to nail jello to the wall, (the sky is BLUE. I EXIST!), I get such pleasure reading empowering words which validate that I am not over-reacting, I’m not too demanding, I am not crazy, but that I lived in a crazymaking situation.
More and more I read words that describe the previously undescribable. How do you explain to someone what is happening to you when the biggest evidence is how it makes you feel b/c on the surface, quite a bit of it can be construed as interpretation. Except we know we did not misunderstand. Just like children KNOW when an adult is icky to them, we KNOW we were slimed.
LOVE your phrase: Spaths can only talk the walk, they can not WALK THE TALK. SO SO true and serves as a point of reference for their behavior.
Mel, I also read and reviewed this book, and I think Donna did as well, I’m glad to have another “take” on this book—that’s the wonderful thing about LoveFraud is we each see something different even looking at the same “picture” or reading the same book. “two (or three or four) heads are better than one!” Thanks for your views on this book. GREAT!!!!!
I watched the fishead movie today and was extremely impressed. The part of the movie that addresses “happy pills” really hit home. I’ve been taking anti-depressants since August and they sure haven’t made me happy at all. I feel the emotional flattening-out that the movie describes. I can’t experience pure joy right now, nor can I feel deep sorrow when I should. I haven’t cried in two months, and I don’t think that’s healthy. I should have cried when I finally accepted the truth of my situation and I didn’t! The movie also talks about anti-depressants and the loss of empathy. I can’t tell if I have lost empathy or not – all I know is that I’ve gotten to a point that I can’t tolerate what I see is BS from people in any form, and I have expressed my intolerance very harshly a time or two and felt regret and shame later.
I was not able to watch the movie since I have limited access to the internet (5 gig per month) but reading Dawn’s post above makes me wonder if this movie is One that is blanketly against the use of antidepressants.
I realize that I am coming from a medical back ground so am somewhat prejudiced in my views, but at the same time, antidepressants are NOT supposed to be nor are they “happy pills.” Tranqualizers such as Valium may make one feel “happy” or “giddy” for a short time and that is one reason that they are used “recreationally” but antidepressants as a group (which work in several different ways) are simply to raise the levels of various chemical transmitters to elevate the mood, to keep a person from being so depressed that they cannot function.
I am not, and have never been, in favor of people who are experiencing a NORMAL reaction/sadness/grief to a death or loss being put on antidepressants to “help them cope” with that event. That is one reason I never recommend here that people go and see their family doctor if they have signs of depression for a lengthy period, but to go to a MEDICAL PRACTITIONER for diagnosis and Rx if any for antidepressants.
Anti-depression medication if properly prescribed does not flatten out your moods or preclude empathy, rage or any other emotion.
One of the reasons I suggest that people go to a mental health specialist for mental health problems is that ONE of the side effects of IMPROPERLY RX’D ANTIDEPRESSANTS to Severely depressed people is that it will help their depression enough that they GET ENOUGH ENERGY TO KILL THEMSELVES. A SEVERELY depressed person may actually NOT have enough “energy” to kill themselves, but if they take antidepressants that “help” them some, and energize them some, they may have the strength to kill themselves.
One of my former foster kids, as an adult, was severely depressed and went to his family doctor for medication (but no therapy) and he “got better” and had enough energy to kill himself….and he did. So I take this possible side effect very seriously indeed.
Also, because different antidepresssants work differently, sometimes it takes one or two different doses or a different medication.
There are some genetic components to depression as well, and to bi-polar. It is also common for someone who is bi-polar to go to the doctor for DEPRESSIVE symptoms, and if they are given ONLY an antidepressant it can precipitate a MANIC PHASE. So just like you wouldn’t say to a person who had high blood sugar (diabetes) DON’T TAKE INSULIN, BECAUSE IT MIGHT MAKE YOUR BLOOD SUGAR GO TOO LOW….saying that all anti-depressents under all circumstances will do X is just as dangerous.
ANY medication, including a Tylenol or a TUMS can have a bad side effect if not taken correctly—-
Dawn,, as far as expressing your dissatisfaction and intolerance “very harshly” I had to laugh actually because “being a biatch” for a while I think is part of the NORMAL RECOVERY PROCESS, because we are “touchy” and “sore” and “raw” and things sort of set us off (trigger us) so don’t let that worry you, you will NORMAL DOWN as you heal. I have gotten to the point NOW after several YEARS that I don’t let these things bother me much any more and I don’t react like I did because I just am looking at the REAL IMPORTANT things and letting the rest roll off my back.
Oxy,
The movie specifically addresses the boom of Valium and Prozac, and people (specifically college students) who were prescribed such drugs for relatively simple things like being shy at parties. I don’t feel it was particularly and virulently anti- anti-depressants, but that medicating persons who dont *really* need may be causing us to lose important parts of ourselves.
I should also say that I was correctly prescribed medications at the time. Absolutely without a doubt. I was a freaking basket case when the sociopath’s web of lies began untangling. It’s just that now I feel like I’m over that big hump and maybe don’t need the meds so much anymore but my therapist and psychiatrist tell me I’ll be using them for longer than I want or feel that I need to.
Dawn, Oh, I definitely agree with the “over medication” of people who do not really have anything wrong with them, which is why I STRESS TO PEOPLE who think they are depressed to see a MENTAL HEALTH professional. It is unfortunate but most family practice doctors who spend an average 6 MINUTES with a patient are not qualified to diagnose or prescribe anti-depressant medication, and especially when the patient may actually be bi-polar and the LAST thing you want to do is to precipitate an manic episode, or give a VERY depressed patient enough medication to energize him where he will have enough energy to kill himself.
When I was in family practice, I would not Rx an antidepressant unless the person also was seeing a therapist at least for a while so I could keep a good finger on what the response was to the medication. Also, many times, medication ALONE isn’t going to be enough to help the person work through their problems.
Also, way too many folks “borrow” medication from others or “share” medication, or get it off the street and “self medicate” or use alcohol or illegal drugs as well.
My family doctor initially prescribed meds because I was on the verge of utter collapse, both mentally and physically. She saw the hot mess I was and must have known something had to give. I’m grateful for that because I would have done stupid things — probably stalking and harassing the ex in a desperate need for answers and that surely would have ended in more physical abuse. The medication made me sleep a lot and I needed that. She gave me a list of mental health professionals and I got an appointment with a therapist within 10 days (a miracle around here to get an appointment that quickly). The therapist referred me to the psychiatrist who adjusted the medication. It all worked, got me through the very worst of it. I still see all three with regularity. My physical health also took quite a hit in 16 short months with him. I was so beaten down by the constant stress that I was self-medicating with insane amounts of caffeine drinks to get through the day and OTC sleep aids just to get a little bit of rest at night.
DawnG,
Sounds like your family dock is a smart cookie, and got you not only medication but mental health professional follow up. Good for her! Good for you on following up!
Some AD medications do help you sleep better and some actually make it more difficult to sleep. I have sleep apnea and so have a sleep machine at night and restless legs syndrome as well, so between the kicking all night, the apnea and the antidepressant medication keeping me awake I had to make some adjustments in my medications that was well above the pay grade of my family doctor even though she is quite good…so having multiple things wrong can cause side effects, thank goodness my sleep doctor figured it out and we got everything adjusted so now I sleep like a baby AND have the antidepressant needs met as well. Part of it was the TIMING of the medication I take for depression, though it is a long acting pill, I take it in the early AM and it doesn’t interfere with my sleeping at night. So little adjustments sometimes make a big difference.
Part of the problem with the stress I think IS the lack of sleep we get when we are upset. Lack of sleep is used as TORTURE in prisons so it is important that we are able to sleep. Caffine, nicotine, alcohol, even over the counter medications, and adrenaline can all interfere with sleep cycles if not the number of hours as well. That is why it is so important that we decrease the amount of stress we are going through, and are GOOD TO OURSELVES. The psychopaths try to keep us stirred up and in chaos, and it warps our entire systems.