This week I have been reading Jon Ronson’s book The Psychopath Test. It’s been on my list of ”˜must reads’ since it came out earlier this year, and just a couple of days ago I downloaded it on to my Kindle. I finished it within 24hours.
Jon Ronson is a British journalist who, among many other things, wrote the film Men Who Stare At Goats, which was made in to a movie starring George Clooney and Ewan McGregor. Jon interviewed my friend Mary Turner Thomson (author of “The Bigamist” detailing her marriage to the sociopath Will Jordan) and became fascinated with the subject of psychopaths. He subsequently attended Dr Robert Hare’s training programme to understand the PCL-R checklist that many of us on this site are only too familiar with. Ronson’s book explores the diagnostic methods for identifying personality disorders and details his own experiences interviewing people who scored highly on Dr Hare’s checklist scale. It’s a fascinating read — no surprises for those of us who have been there and seen it — and I am just glad that he has provided us with another resource that can be added to the list of useful educational tools.
I am delighted to tell you that I will be attending that very same course next week. I am hugely excited about the prospect and am very much looking forward to meeting Dr Hare himself so that I can thank him for helping me in my personal journey to reclaim my life while (just!) keeping my sanity. This is why I have once again been devouring further material on the subject. And this is how, on Dr Hare’s website, I came across a fascinating new film that explores psychopathy. It was released on 11th September this year and is called Fishead.
Fishead — The Movie
There is an ancient Chinese saying that says a fish rots and stinks from the head, which is how the makers of this movie settled on the name. It relates to the heads of industry, as well as to the human brain – which is arguably rotten in the case of psychopaths. The film explores the idea that our society is being progressively more controlled by sociopaths, as well as the suggestion that our increased use of medications such as anti-depressants is contributing to a manufactured set of psychopathic traits. Decreased empathy and reduction of emotional responses are, of course, side-effects of drugs that are designed to numb emotional pain — although I must say I had never thought about it in the way that the film portrays. If you are interested in exploring the movie and its makers, you’ll find all the details at www. www.fisheadmovie.com The film is free to watch, you just send off to them for a password.
So, anyway, all this additional material has been sparking new thoughts and prodding at old ones as well. And I am reminded of the expression “walking the talk”. Yes, it may be said that it’s now a well-worn cliché, and, for me it is still a short accurate description of authenticity. I myself know full well when I am walking my talk — and over recent years, it has been that approach that has pulled me through some of the darkest periods of my life!
As I am now re-exploring the workings of antisocioal personality disorders, it struck me that the sociopath can only ever talk the walk. They can never, I repeat never, walk the talk in the way that you and I can. I’ve heard other phrases like “they know the words and not the music” and the idea that “they can only dream in black and white” — but to me, now, when I think of “talking the walk” it describes my own experiences absolutely to a tee.
Authenticity
Just last week I met up with a client I am now proud to call my friend. This lady came to the conclusion that she could no longer thrive in the company where I met and have been working with her. Describing the place as “somewhere that seeks out and silences of gets rid of people who care” she has now moved on to another company that communicates authenticity at a human soul level. Not through some well thought out set of words that purport to describe the company values. Not through a carefully crafted website. Not through flashy promises of a golden career. Not even through white-teethed hand-shakes and a swanky dinner to seal the deal.
No, this company has actually been walking the talk. My client (I’ll call her Sarah) has already experienced the heartache and frustration of working within an organization that says one thing and does another. She knows first hand what it feels like to be encouraged to stand up and stand out, and then be shot down for having an opinion. She knows the debilitating confusion of being undermined, undervalued and pushed to the limit — for me, it’s just a shame that she had to experience that in order to fully appreciate the difference. The good thing is, though, that from now on she will settle for nothing less than an environment where she is valued and can make a difference. Never again will she allow herself to be belittled or underestimated. I absolutely believe her, and I’m glad.
“Do you know what Mel?” she grinned after telling me a particularly shocking account of a senior director’s inability to demonstrate compassion for his team “this new bunch wanted to know my birthday just so that it could be marked off as a holiday — on top of the usual holiday allowances!”
It doesn’t take much to help a person feel motivated. It takes a whole heap more to knock a person down. And it can take a huge amount more until we are prepared to move on and walk away.
People like you and me, you see, will automatically judge other people by the same set of values and behaviours that are naturally to us. Like us, people by nature tend to be forgiving “Oh, that’s ok, it’s just the way s/he is sometimes. It’s no big deal!” we might say when somebody does something that is upsetting to us or to others. “S/he’ll get over it, let’s just give them a chance!” And this is how the deliberate manipulator continues to win their games. This is how they keep on going, parasitically sucking the lifeblood from people (and organizations) just to fuel their personal whim — whatever that may be at the time. And because we naturally judge others by how we are ourselves, we cannot begin to comprehend that somebody else is playing by a whole different set of rules.
Powerful Experiences
The sociopath may be an expert at mimicking and manipulation, but s/he will never ever have the same richness of experiences that we can enjoy on a daily basis. They will never know what it feels like, what it really feels like to fall in love for example. To feel genuine friendship and connection with another human being. To experience joy, fear, sadness, peace, excitement and the myriad of other emotions that are at our disposal.
They may well think they are clever. I’m sure they think that they have one over on us because they can talk the walk to such a professional degree that they continue to control their willing targets. But you know what? Once we know what we’re dealing with, once we recognize the subtle gaps in their shows of emotion and understanding, then they have lost their power.
Yes, it’s a living nightmare working through the pain and confusion that is the aftermath of a sociopath’s influences. But you know what? So far as I’m concerned, I’d walk my talk a million times over rather than be doomed to the sociopath’s empty existence of gray numbness. And the more people who experience that void — through work, relationships, family, friends, or the growing educational resources — the more of us can join together and make a stand against these empty souls.
I don’t doubt there’s a battle ahead. And at the same time I am filled with confidence that together we can make a difference. I’m ready, and looking forward to exploring opportunities to increase our army. I’ll let you know how I get on with Dr Hare”¦
Just to chime in on the anti-depressants portion of the movie… I think healthy criticism is good in general for SSRI’s or any drugs for that matter, but I’m thankful that I was able to use a SSRI after the birth of my son (at about 4 months) because the pain, exhaustion, paranoia, fear etc. was so bad I felt I could literally die.
I was no stranger to depression and anxiety before, but the stuff I went through post-sociopath made all prior pains look like milktoast.
With the medication, I was able to balance myself out emotionally and give myself time to live my life, heal, etc. without being destroyed by the emotional avalanche that toppled down on me after the relationship ended.
So, yes, perhaps with people with moderate to low levels of emotional problems should be cautious. But, for others suffering through crippling depression, the option of having medication is really a good thing.
purewaters3
I too believe that anti anxiety meds were extremely beneficial to me. I read people’s post on here and KNOW that they would benefit but to accept the prescription, sometimes people think it’s like admitting that cliche CARP their spaths spout, that they are crazy unstable women, when in fact the SPATHS behaviors create Intense mindblowing drama and their LIVES were crazymaking, NOT THEM. Meds help get the chemistry in their brains back to normal levels after being triggered for so long.
I don’t think the film was against appropriate prescription use. Their point was the MIS use of meds, as in the example of passing out valium at the funeral b/c people were going to be sad. And have to say, my husbands mother is a Prozac monster. She hadn’t been seen by a doctor in over FIVE years yet they kept giving her those pills. She would NOT get counceling. And she IS a dominating pedophile B*. When she takes her prozac, everything is wonderful and we are just little people who are so silly in our lives. She talks baby talk to us and puts us down. She is also God’s servant and as such, nothing she does is wrong so all the mean things and setting people off against each other and the mindfarks, well that’s God working through her, NOT her being the town gossip and busybody ruining lives. FIVE years and NO monitoring? Feelings gotcha? Take a pill. That’s what they movie was talking about.
I’ve experienced the emotional “flat line” of SSRI’s but mostly towards the end of my use of the medication; I take it as a sign that my brain’s leveled out and no longer need the medication anymore.
If you’re using a medication that causes that feeling, you probably need to reduce the dose or (if you’re already on a low dose, like I was) just start weeing yourself off.
The way you “should” feel on an anti-depressant is that the crippling emotions you’re going through balance out (you feel them, you know they’re there, but you’re able to be functional). It’s a wonderful relief, honestly. Not feeling drugged, or strange, just OK in the midst of a bad period of time.
I guess hindsight, they work like morphine when you’ve just had major injury.
Katy,
The stigma of having depression and treating it is what concerns me… But, I realize they were talking about the misuse of meds. And, it IS a bad problem, with SSRI’s and pain meds, etc.
P.s. Your husband’s mother sounds scary.
I do feel healing is a process, and that if we can stay open and handle/manage the process, we will eventually recover. The only times I start to get depressed are when I feel stuck and things are not moving. That is when I feel like I need help. However, I’ve come to learn that it’s fear that keeps me stuck. It’s become such a habit that I can be afraid of being afraid of being afraid. Usually when I go inside and connect to whatever it is, I can process it. I seem to do better on my own than in therapy for this part. But sometimes talking it out helps, too. Most of what I’m going through these days is non-verbal – early abandonment. I need to do physical things to connect to it. I have to make direct eye contact and let the feeling come out through my eyes. I also have to do physical activities like walking or kicking and hitting.
I do see healing as peeling off the layers of an onion. I feel like I’m very close to the core of it, though when I get stuck, it can feel like I’m light years away.
It usually starts when something triggers me. If it’s someone from work, I must stay professional. I cannot always say what I want to say to them. So I come home and process it. If I get overwhelmed and don’t process it quickly, I go into depression. It’s gotten so much better over the years. I used to get triggered at work on a daily basis. My entire evenings would be sitting in my room and processing. Nowadays it only happens once in a while. But when it does, it really throws me. I wish I didn’t have to go through all of this in order to heal. I wish it could be more graceful sometimes.
I remember seeing a poster years ago of a guru with a long white beard in some sort of a yoga posture on a surfboard in the ocean. The caption said, “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf.” This is what I feel we are all learning to do – to surf, so to speak.
Stargazer,
I can relate to what you’re saying about work life and people doing something that bothers you, but you have to stay professional.
I definitely realized the connection to not saying what needs to be said, setting boundaries, and then feeling depressed and sick afterwards.
That’s why I’ve been trying to address things in the moment, as they happen, and allow myself to have boundaries and say what needs to be said, within reason, of course.
Believe it or not, being honest and using statements like: No, I want, and I do not want… has been ALMOST like a miracle cure for me in some ways 😀
And, I agree with you. Living life is a lot like learning to surf. We’re all just trying to learn to cope, heal and navigate in the best way possible.
Purewater, I definitely see the connection, and it troubles me. I know I need to speak up at all times to keep from getting depressed. And yet, when I’ve done it, the results have not always been good professionally for me. I have to pick and choose what I say and to whom. I especially don’t want to overreact when I get triggered into things that are not about the present moment. Ironically, I can be very upfront with my supervisors. They didn’t get to where they were by being indirect. They can usually handle my feelings. But the other girls in the office are very indirect. So I have to find politically acceptable ways to deal with them. It’s really one of the main things I dislike about working in offices. But maybe when I am more recovered and more in the present, this part will be easier for me.
Star,
if living is like surfing then here’s the sound track to go with your life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7c1PML5kfbg
Star,
I wish you luck with your job. Skylar had a good idea. Surfing soundtracks… I like this one from Incubus:
Not really a “surfing” more like floating on the ocean in a raft…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlLCXiG4eD4
Stargazer, my advice is go for it. I love teaching. In my sixth year now and have never regretted it. Came to it fairly late. I’m 49. But it’s a good time of my life I reckon with all the experiences I’ve had. Some good and some not so good! Good luck with it……you will reap what you sow and never look back. X