This week I have been reading Jon Ronson’s book The Psychopath Test. It’s been on my list of ”˜must reads’ since it came out earlier this year, and just a couple of days ago I downloaded it on to my Kindle. I finished it within 24hours.
Jon Ronson is a British journalist who, among many other things, wrote the film Men Who Stare At Goats, which was made in to a movie starring George Clooney and Ewan McGregor. Jon interviewed my friend Mary Turner Thomson (author of “The Bigamist” detailing her marriage to the sociopath Will Jordan) and became fascinated with the subject of psychopaths. He subsequently attended Dr Robert Hare’s training programme to understand the PCL-R checklist that many of us on this site are only too familiar with. Ronson’s book explores the diagnostic methods for identifying personality disorders and details his own experiences interviewing people who scored highly on Dr Hare’s checklist scale. It’s a fascinating read — no surprises for those of us who have been there and seen it — and I am just glad that he has provided us with another resource that can be added to the list of useful educational tools.
I am delighted to tell you that I will be attending that very same course next week. I am hugely excited about the prospect and am very much looking forward to meeting Dr Hare himself so that I can thank him for helping me in my personal journey to reclaim my life while (just!) keeping my sanity. This is why I have once again been devouring further material on the subject. And this is how, on Dr Hare’s website, I came across a fascinating new film that explores psychopathy. It was released on 11th September this year and is called Fishead.
Fishead — The Movie
There is an ancient Chinese saying that says a fish rots and stinks from the head, which is how the makers of this movie settled on the name. It relates to the heads of industry, as well as to the human brain – which is arguably rotten in the case of psychopaths. The film explores the idea that our society is being progressively more controlled by sociopaths, as well as the suggestion that our increased use of medications such as anti-depressants is contributing to a manufactured set of psychopathic traits. Decreased empathy and reduction of emotional responses are, of course, side-effects of drugs that are designed to numb emotional pain — although I must say I had never thought about it in the way that the film portrays. If you are interested in exploring the movie and its makers, you’ll find all the details at www. www.fisheadmovie.com The film is free to watch, you just send off to them for a password.
So, anyway, all this additional material has been sparking new thoughts and prodding at old ones as well. And I am reminded of the expression “walking the talk”. Yes, it may be said that it’s now a well-worn cliché, and, for me it is still a short accurate description of authenticity. I myself know full well when I am walking my talk — and over recent years, it has been that approach that has pulled me through some of the darkest periods of my life!
As I am now re-exploring the workings of antisocioal personality disorders, it struck me that the sociopath can only ever talk the walk. They can never, I repeat never, walk the talk in the way that you and I can. I’ve heard other phrases like “they know the words and not the music” and the idea that “they can only dream in black and white” — but to me, now, when I think of “talking the walk” it describes my own experiences absolutely to a tee.
Authenticity
Just last week I met up with a client I am now proud to call my friend. This lady came to the conclusion that she could no longer thrive in the company where I met and have been working with her. Describing the place as “somewhere that seeks out and silences of gets rid of people who care” she has now moved on to another company that communicates authenticity at a human soul level. Not through some well thought out set of words that purport to describe the company values. Not through a carefully crafted website. Not through flashy promises of a golden career. Not even through white-teethed hand-shakes and a swanky dinner to seal the deal.
No, this company has actually been walking the talk. My client (I’ll call her Sarah) has already experienced the heartache and frustration of working within an organization that says one thing and does another. She knows first hand what it feels like to be encouraged to stand up and stand out, and then be shot down for having an opinion. She knows the debilitating confusion of being undermined, undervalued and pushed to the limit — for me, it’s just a shame that she had to experience that in order to fully appreciate the difference. The good thing is, though, that from now on she will settle for nothing less than an environment where she is valued and can make a difference. Never again will she allow herself to be belittled or underestimated. I absolutely believe her, and I’m glad.
“Do you know what Mel?” she grinned after telling me a particularly shocking account of a senior director’s inability to demonstrate compassion for his team “this new bunch wanted to know my birthday just so that it could be marked off as a holiday — on top of the usual holiday allowances!”
It doesn’t take much to help a person feel motivated. It takes a whole heap more to knock a person down. And it can take a huge amount more until we are prepared to move on and walk away.
People like you and me, you see, will automatically judge other people by the same set of values and behaviours that are naturally to us. Like us, people by nature tend to be forgiving “Oh, that’s ok, it’s just the way s/he is sometimes. It’s no big deal!” we might say when somebody does something that is upsetting to us or to others. “S/he’ll get over it, let’s just give them a chance!” And this is how the deliberate manipulator continues to win their games. This is how they keep on going, parasitically sucking the lifeblood from people (and organizations) just to fuel their personal whim — whatever that may be at the time. And because we naturally judge others by how we are ourselves, we cannot begin to comprehend that somebody else is playing by a whole different set of rules.
Powerful Experiences
The sociopath may be an expert at mimicking and manipulation, but s/he will never ever have the same richness of experiences that we can enjoy on a daily basis. They will never know what it feels like, what it really feels like to fall in love for example. To feel genuine friendship and connection with another human being. To experience joy, fear, sadness, peace, excitement and the myriad of other emotions that are at our disposal.
They may well think they are clever. I’m sure they think that they have one over on us because they can talk the walk to such a professional degree that they continue to control their willing targets. But you know what? Once we know what we’re dealing with, once we recognize the subtle gaps in their shows of emotion and understanding, then they have lost their power.
Yes, it’s a living nightmare working through the pain and confusion that is the aftermath of a sociopath’s influences. But you know what? So far as I’m concerned, I’d walk my talk a million times over rather than be doomed to the sociopath’s empty existence of gray numbness. And the more people who experience that void — through work, relationships, family, friends, or the growing educational resources — the more of us can join together and make a stand against these empty souls.
I don’t doubt there’s a battle ahead. And at the same time I am filled with confidence that together we can make a difference. I’m ready, and looking forward to exploring opportunities to increase our army. I’ll let you know how I get on with Dr Hare”¦
Soim,
I’ve read all the Mars and Venus books, and they are excellent. Unfortunately, most men have not read them and don’t understand the premise. Also, I agree with you about the healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries and an ability to recognize the signs of spathdom: lovebombing + pathological lying + pity play + over-the-top charm, etc. That does not mean that every guy who pays us a compliment or looks at us the wrong way or forgets to call is a spath. Sometimes men are just…..confusing.
Star, men are “unfortunately just HUMAN” and humans are not perfect….just like women are just HUMAN…and are not perfect.
Spaths come in all flavors—all colors, all sizes, all sexes….old ones and young ones, tall ones and short ones—and so do humans, but the difference in a “regular” human and a “spathy” human is that the spathy ones have a PATTERN of treating others badly, and not keeping their word. We have to watch for the patterns of behavior, and just like one swallow doesn’t make a spring neither does one episode of poor or thoughtless behavior, but….when you see ONE SWALLOW, YOU WATCH FOR THE REST OF THE FLOCK!
I’m stuffed! Had a wonderful meal with friends, then went to the mountain with the living history group and ate more, and talked and visited and laughed and laughed. Ah, what a wonderful day!
Good food, good friends and good fun! Life doesn’t get any better than this!
Star,
I think men are victims of our cultural bias. Imagine being brought up in an environment that is heavily slanted toward the “HE” and “HIM” and where you know you are expected to take a leadership role in marriage/relationships. You are expected to go to war if need be. As a reward for this, society also treats you as a golden child. Men get better jobs and better paychecks and more respect than women. They know this and they have been brought up to feel entitled to it. So of course, a lot of them will turn out to be entitled assholes. That’s what happens to the golden child.
Sky, I don’t think they are all assholes; I just think they are so different. They think differently. They act differently. Sometimes it’s difficult navigating through the minefield of dating, even when men are not spathological. It’s like we need a common language to talk in. We are talking in different languages.
Star,
I didn’t say they were all assholes. Obviously they are not. I just said that the way our society “plays favorites” with the genders can create a “golden child” syndrome and some of those people will end up entitled assholes.
My sister is a spath who was the golden child. After her head injury at age 15, she lost the ability to hide her entitled attitude. (so I guess that makes her not a spath, since she wears no mask – or at least, not a good one). I asked her, “R, how do you manage to be so selfish? Can you teach me how to be more selfish?” She said, “As long as I can remember, I’ve always been selfish. It’s just the way I am.” And guess what? she didn’t offer to teach me… she’s way too selfish to use her time for another’s benefit.
Her selfishness is profound. You can almost see her little cogs working when she does something that benefits someone else or vice versa. She keeps a mental score sheet of who has done what for whom. She feels like she needs to always come out with a net gain.
Her ability to tabulate the results is limited. Once, when her catering business was doing well, she undercharged a customer by ~25 cents. The bill was over $700, but R went ahead and invoiced the customer because “it wasn’t fair. It has to be fair.” The customer was shocked and awed by such a limited and shallow capacity for good will. And of course, she lost the customer and any future referrals. But she got her 25 cents. It took me months of explaining to her how she didn’t benefit for her to “understand” intellectually that she LOST. I don’t think she ever did FEEL that understanding.
That poor woman is the definition of shallow.
Sky, I think I understand what you are saying. But I think men become players because there are more women than men in this society and so they *can*. In societies where women have more choices, they can become players too. It’s not what I’m talking about though. I think men are wired differently.
Star,
there are guys who can not get a woman to save their lives yet, they have the same entitled attitude about women. They simply cannot respect a woman. To them, women are all bitches – bitches who wouldn’t come near them with a ten-foot pole. This EXACT attitude is seen in guys who play women and are irresistable to women. So it’s not about whether there are plenty of women, it’s something to do with their mothers.
Sky, I hope you and BF had a wonderful holiday weekend! I’m starting to recover from all the excess of food, and am back on the “nutritional wagon” again….managed to not eat an excess of sodium, but I sure did eat an excess of calories!
Oxy,
Thank you! we had a quiet holiday at home.
The holidays are the toughest time to show restraint with food! Maybe if we re-frame the idea of restraint and picture it as a present to ourselves, it might make it easier. When you look at food, picture a red circle with a bar across it and a red bow on top!
LOL!
“From Aloha’s post: “And because we naturally judge others by how we are ourselves, we cannot begin to comprehend that somebody else is playing by a whole different set of rules.””
Great quote Aloha, it completely wraps up why we get taken in by those with personality disorders. Their behavior is unfathomable and we have no reference point to understand it with.