In this “Letter to Lovefraud” video, I explain the sad truth about sociopaths in romantic relationships. A Lovefraud reader writes that her ex-boyfriend said that he missed her, he loved her, he changed. But when the reader went to see him, the guy humiliated her.
The fact is, the guy is a sociopath, and sociopaths cannot love. He concocted the story to deceive the reader, just so he could hurt her. For him, the entire episode was a big win.
The reader, however, can win in the end, by recognizing what her sociopathic ex really is, and eliminating him from her life.
Consumer studies professor learns her identity was stolen by her own mother
Classic.
SPs pretend that they are moving on…which they cannot even do.
They only seek to re-abuse their victims.
SPs are not normal. We ‘feel’ that something is off about them. That is our innate instinct telling us so.
You cannot be their friend, you cannot be their spouse, you cannot even be their child nor their parent (once they are adults). You have to completely detach yourself and have no contact. Forever.
I think that when someone says that a sociopath can not love, it’s probably true in the normal and accepted concept of the word “love”. I also think that word means different things to different people and is expressed differently by different people.
It might be helpful to include a definition of what love looks like and how sociopaths/ psychopaths do not measure up, which I know you have in the past, but examples here.
I think and have observed that the way these people interpret other people and their actions is VERY subjective and warped but they are unable or unwilling to view things differently and more objectively. It’s their way or the highway. To challenge their thought process is futile and insulting to them
Their warped views and reality are the source of, excuse for and motivation towards ALL of their self-justified hurtful behavior, a lot of which is based in retaliation and revenge.
dorothy2,
I think it is absolutely true that disordered people cannot love. Not by any definition. They only express their ‘love’ in such a way, and for only the period of time, that suits them. This is not love.
I believe love requires a person to be able to behave lovingly toward another, over a period of time, and consistently, with a commitment toward mutual satisfaction with all aspects of the relationship.
Anyone can express their interest, tell someone they love them. But only a person of conscience can, with consistency, behave over and over and over again in a loving way toward their partner.
Disordered people can be skilled in mimicking romantic love. But over time none of them can consistently behave with kindness, with the intention of preserving the relationship, and with ongoing concern for the well-being of their partner.
They always, ALWAYS, fail at this. They don’t care about ‘the partner’, or ‘the relationship’. They only love getting what they want, when they want it, in a quantity and quality that satisfies THEM. Period.
Perfectly put.
and yet..they say ALL the right words..with dew in their eyes, a gentle touch on your face, your arm, your body..and you just want to MELT into those eyes..in public, he’d tell others how much he loved, cherished me, I was the best thing he had found, etc..as time, marriage, kids, farmwork went on..all those loving words, gestures died away..replaced by harsh judging, criticisms, nit-picking over small matters, name calling..all that sweet,lovingness just faded away..it was all lies, I was his ‘meal ticket’ to a ‘normal life’..
Oh Yes, regretfullymine….They tell everyone how amazing it is that you have met, they get your coat when you say you are cold, but only when people are around. Once the love-bombing phase is done they are privately abusive; they completely set the stage for your confusion and they go in for the kill.
I was also in the position of giving all 3 of the spaths I ‘dated’ the appearance of a normal life. I was stable, employed, owned a home, and had strong ties to my friends. They used me for money and appearance.
Yes……get get get not give get give get give get. They only “give” if it gets them what THEY are trying to get.
I just keep wondering if in their version of reality, something they experience IS what they interpret as love, subjectively. Just one of those questions that still circles in my thoughts from time to time.
When it’s all said and done it really doesn’t matter to me what Spathtards reality is or isn’t but I can’t stop wondering, more out of curiosity? Like that feeling you have when you see something new and odd, you just keep trying to figure out what it is but all you have to interpret it with are things you already understand. I will never understand “them” entirely because I just can’t. Sometimes I think I do but, nope!
I too do a lot of ‘wondering’ what THEY really think and feel. I can’t seem to help myself, as the SP is my own son.
Does HE really think that he can love? I know that HE tries to convince others that he can. Of course, I see it totally differently. I can see that HE cannot love in any sense of the word, as we know it. I believe that HE is convinced that HE can love, and feel it too.
Spathtards…sorry, lol…I can’t help myself. That really is humorous. THEY are the truly ‘mentally retarded’ ones. THEY are the ones who really are…not the Downs syndrome people.
Bev, I can not even begin to imagine what it would be like to have your own child be one of them. What a delema
Oops wasn’t done there Bev! A painful delema I’m sure.
Yes, mine is a long sordid horrible 34 year story of not knowing what was wrong with SON, as I call him now.
I think many parents of SPs wear those rose colored glasses, because that is what a parent is ‘supposed’ to do, right? Love their child and emotionally support them no matter what? How can I (they) when my (their) child is a SP? How can I (they) turn a blind eye to the pathological lies and destruction that SPs can and do cause?
I, for one, cannot. Not me. I won’t. As difficult as it is in this world that we live in, I have gone no contact. It has not been easy, but I can live in peace, without all of the stress and hurt that SON causes.
Cheers and thank you 🙂
dorothy2 and slimone
If there is no one around, does a sociopath self reflect on their feelings of love?
The ONLY time that “love” exists for a sociopath is in the presence of a audience. A sociopath knows that others are motivated by love and that they are NOT motivated by love. The only reason and the only time to refer to love is when that sociopath seeks to con/dupe/scam. When alone with themselves, a sociopath is NOT using a different meaning or a variation of a definition, in the absence of someone to dupe, the emotion does not exist at all in the world view of a sociopath.
imho of course.
IMHO as well.
They do not know love and they cannot have nor feel it.
They resent others who can.
NWHSOM,
I wholeheartedly agree. There may be ‘reflection’ on what their next ‘action’ will be to obtain something they want. But there is zero personal reflection, or reflection (as we experience) of their own emotional life, their actions and the effects, etc….
Just plotting and scheming is what they do when they are alone. Or binging on something to pass the time until they can ‘go into action’.
NWHSOM,
I think your observation about the audience is also spot on. They don’t ‘act’ when they are alone. They act their chosen part when there are those around to witness it and be influenced by it.
I’m new here and need to share some of my story in order for me to feel better. I’ve been a mess since I left him for good in January, I was a mess the whole 18 months we were together. Doesn’t seem much better without him although I know it takes time.
The night we met I was spellbound, he is extremely handsome and the most masculine/take charge type of man I’ve ever been with. I thought I struck gold and was on a natural high for the first year. I kept pushing the intuition thing away, I pushed it out of my mind, he was my knight in shining amour even if I had to push my gut feelings away and ignore the MANY red flags. After I was arrested….yes arrested for assaulting him his mother told me he was diagnosed with BPD when he was 21 yrs old, he neglected to inform me, I even asked him a few times if he got a diagnosis when he was hospitalized for mental health issues before we met.
Bottom line is he lied about everything from day one and when I
I started confronting him about his lies and he started sloppy cheating on me with both men and women!!!
What was I thinking?
How did I freaking fall in love with this piece of crap?
Don’t I love myself enough?
All I can say is the intensity was real,he was a ball of fire and I melted around him but I’m alone now, working on feeling my feelings and LISTENING to my intuition. Im so glad I found Love fraud, I need support.
Aware – I am so sorry for your experience. I can assure you that many, many other people have had exactly the same experience. The good parts just seemed so very, very good, that all the warning signs were ignored.
The issue is that sociopaths hijack the human bonding system, and you end up addicted to the relationship. We have lots of articles on it here on Lovefraud – try putting “sociopath addiction” in the Google search box on the top of this page. It will probably help you to understand the biological and psychological forces that were at work.
I also suggest that you take this time to really work on your own healing. Process the emotional pain of betrayal and disappointment. You’ll come out the other side better than ever.
Thank you Donna
Aware,
This website has so many informative and validating articles, as well as amazing and supportive people. This place literally saved my sanity.
I am so sorry you are in the initial throes of betrayal and sadness. It seems like it is the most difficult part of the healing process; the time when we are most likely to re-establish contact, or try and get revenge, etc…
The key to moving forward is to stop any impulse to ‘set the record straight’, or explain to the disordered person what you are going through. You will read about No Contact a lot if you google how to get out of an abusive or toxic relationship. And I will say from experience that if you don’t have any legal reason to have any contact that it is the BEST chance of regaining your joy, clarity, peace, and stability.
Slim
As always, I agree slimone.
No contact is the only way for true happiness and peace.
Bev, Aware and all….no contact is absolutely the only way to remove the rose colored glasses, see the truth and walk/ run away for good. Unfortunately it’s almost impossible to do until you are a quivering puddle of left over you. You here it’s what you need to do, over and over and over and it IS exactly the truth but man is it not what you are going to do until you are “there”. Clear as glass to me now but I couldn’t go NC until I did.
Same was true for seeing that I really was addicted to the Spathtard and all that went along with it….which was a LOT. Many layers to how we get hooked and stay hooked but basically it’s because it felt so damned GOOD………at first.
Bev, glad you like “Spathtard”. He went from “honey” and “sweetheart” to “Spathtard” when I finally went NC, the spell began to wear off, I came out of the trance and kicked the spath habit. It doesn’t even seem real or like it happened now and I feel nothing but repulsion towards him. It’s just amazing to me now to think about how hooked I was….on him? Surreal.
Thank you Slim,
Everything you said is spot on. I’m just looking forward to a day where I don’t want to talk with him or to get revenge. I fantasize about revenge but know his life is so chaotic and miserable already, he’s gonna end up doing himself in by all of the bad choices he makes. I’m mad but I feel sorry for that freak at the same time, I believe he cant help himself.
You know Aware, I think fantasizing about revenge is pretty Ok. Most of us have, did, or still are. The key is NOT to act on it now. You are too vulnerable, and could end up having the whole thing backfire.
I had MAJOR thoughts of revenge: Billboards, going to his workshop and ‘outing’ him, etc…
But after a time (and it was quite a while) I just DID NOT CARE one single iota. Really. No feeling toward him at all. First I felt such pain, despair, and depression. Hard to believe I can see him now and feel ZERO.
But it took absolutely no contact to get to this point. At first even someone talking about him would make me feel so hurt and SCARED. Scared that someone could turn my whole world to crap.
And you may be right that he cannot help himself. This is an ongoing debate here on LF. What I believe is they can ‘help themselves’ in the moment, maybe to stop doing something for the time being. But in the long run they cannot stop being a sociopath any more than anyone else with a mental disorder can simply stop that disease. In the end they always engage in manipulation, lying, and sadism.
It is impossible to feel sorry for these types…
Apparently socio/psychopathy is not a ‘mental illness’ like, say, schizophrenia is.
In that these types engage in manipulation, lying, deceit, and sadism, how can anyone excuse or pity that, no matter what?
Bev,
“In that these types engage in manipulation, lying, deceit, and sadism, how can anyone excuse or pity that, no matter what?’
Because that’s how they function, its their first reaction, I don’t think they have the brain power to decipher what’s right/wrong in the moment. They are impulsive and don’t think like normal people. I still say they are miserable when alone, without an audience.
Aware, I know that the waking up phase of one of these encounters is, or can be, brutally painfull. There are lots of bitter pills to swallow including seeing things about ourselves that we might not have wanted to see, admit, etc.. BUT, you will come out on the other side of this and be grateful you saw it for what it isn’t sooner rather than later, no matter how long you were in it.
Just please know that as much as you hurt now, you will get through this and that the people here will help you through that process.
Hang in there Aware!
Thank you Dorothy2,
I appreciate your support and know I will be ok as long as I stay away and focus on myself, not that freak. I have really bad days where I think about him constantly but as long as I stay connected and get support I should be better off than I was before I met him. I have been reading EVERYTHING I can get my eyes on:)its making sense finally.
Aware,
Like I said, once your eyes are opened to the truth nothing will be the same. I think it’s hard to come to grips with in the after phase because you are no longer in their grips. The spell starts fading as your eyes open wider and wider in disbelief and shock. Now you are back to “normal” and can’t believe what you had become and experienced under their spell. It’s like being in a mad, wild drunk and hearing what you did the next day or like they hooked strings to you and became the puppet master of you.
It was you dancing at the end of the strings but the rational part of you was switched off.
I think they tap into our subconscious and take it on some crazy indulgent ride. That part of us is always there but we normally are able to balance or “control” it with our conscious mind and exersize good judgement.
I know that Spathtard tapped into a very primal wound and need of mine, literally the very first night I was with him. It’s clear as day to me now and it was my unfulfilled need as a baby to be held and belong to someone. I can remember exactly what he did and said and remember having that feeling like a dog when it hears a strange sound and cocks it’s head. Like…” huh???? that’s weird”! But I was also immediately hooked at a very deep level and he played me like a fiddle! The rest was history and seems like a dream (nightmare) to me now.
Our subconscious is so strong, and really, can be very vulnerable to manipulation if it hasn’t been fully seen and understood.
I used to think and insist that I really did love him but really, it was just baby Dorothy addicted to getting a primal, unfulfilled need met and not wanting to loose that feeling of being wanted. He knew exactly which buttons to push to keep baby Dorothy dancing at the end of those strings but it was all an illusion, a mirage that evaporated.
That was my bitter pill to swallow, and it was very painful then, but now it’s ok. I’ve seen what I needed to see and I do feel like it was important for me to see this about myself. I had glimpses before Spathtard but never a full understanding of the roll that unresolved part of my past was playing in my life.
I don’t think I will ever give him credit or thanks for his roll in all of it but I am pretty close to being able to say that I’m glad it happened.
Dorathy2,
I get it about our childhood wounds and trying to fill a void, its like going grocery shopping while hungry, I met freako when I was hungry for affection and love and settled. I thought I had worked most of my childhood wounds through and accepted having a mother like I do, evidently not.
I too am not at the point of giving him credit for showing me (unconsciously)the light.
As far as the puppet master stuff I see what he did to me now, I was arrested (first for me)for assaulting him in my front yard. I had warned him that if he lied to me again I would leave him, well I’m sure you already know…he lied the night I was arrested. The following day in court I was taken aside by a court social worker and told” stay away from him, you’ve been arrested and this is just the beginning if you stay with him”. She wouldn’t say anymore probably due to privacy and the law. Ive since found out hes been arrested 12 times, of course he neglected to tell me about 10 of his arrests.
Toward the end he was scaring me by the things he said while having sex, strange stuff to say to the woman you “LOVE SO MUCH”. I remember asking him a couple of times if he had ever slept with a man, he denied it. Its funny how we know before we know because eventually I saw his text to his male lover saying the same crap he said to me, word for word I kid you not! I made sure to tell his mommy, mean I know, but those two freaks are mean. Is it me or are these people attached to the hip to one of their parents? He told me on our second date that he was a mamas boy, I thought oh cool he loves his mom, boy was I misled. His mom listened to our conversations and when she missed part of one she asked him and HE TOLD HER WORD FOR WORD! I’m so happy to be away from him but I cant lie, I miss his hugs we used to spoon on the couch for an hour or so a couple of times a week :(. I bought a body pillow but its not cutting it :).
Wow, Aware…love your post.
Is it just me or are these people attached at the hip to one of their parents…omg.
I am the mother of ‘one’ of these ‘people’. Perhaps if I was in denial, or ‘one’ myself, that might be the case. SON, as I refer to ‘him’ would have it just that way, if it up to ‘him’. However, I live in reality and am completely sane and can see what and who SON is. ‘They’ do, however, seem very much to need ‘parental cover’ so that they look and appear normal to others. So that others do not think that there is something very off and/or wrong with ‘them’.
Great observation. 🙂
Aware! Wow. You could be me in what you just said here! Amazing! I thought the same things about him being “close” to his mother? Well, lol, he lived in her basement! I’m soooooo embarrassed! Is that not the reddest flag in the world? An adult “man” living in his mother’s basement!? All SO clear to me now but I was almost instantly stunned/ hooked! Big huge cuddler! Hooked I tell you! Baby Dorothy was purring like a kitten in that big lug’s arms. He might as well drugged me.
But yes, this mother thing is huge in the land of Spathdom and they are a symbiotic/ parasitic unit. Sick disordered mother creates and enables baby Spathtard big big big time. Just a sickening emotionaly incestous mess. Blech! ;-0~~~~
Sorry Bev! Present company excluded!
😊
Lol…no problem dorothy2…
I can totally understand how a such a messed up mother could enable such a ‘child’…and ‘they’ are always children, for like, EVER.
🙂