Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader who posts as “Salvation2012.”
Thank you for helping me decide when I needed to cut my losses during my divorce. I did cut my “losses,” yet the total I received tallied up to a number similar, just not in all cash. Because I settled in his eyes, he told everyone I was just proving how I was the guilty one and didn’t want to risk being exposed. To the end he will deny permanently injuring me and bleeding me of money, and cheating on me (which I only later found out about the extent).
My recent concern is watching him seemingly have no consequences. I’m not a vengeful person, so this is a distressing area for me, but I just thought karma or something would move in. How was he convicted of a crime, and given no contact and stay away orders from civil and criminal courts, and still have his job, and still be with the woman he was with (apparently for the last 7 years. We were together since January 2007, so their relationship lasted the entirety of our time together), and his friends are happy for him.
Maybe I’m staunch in my morals, but if I had a friend who was found guilty and the judge took away his first time offenders rights because 1) the severity of the injuries and 2) it was only the first caught act of violence, I would not support that person anymore. I would say that person dug themselves a big hole and it’s theirs to climb out of or stay in.
I am finding peace in my new location, yet struggle with reality checking and normal people actually being normal and trusting that. He seems to be just fine and has announced to all the love of his life, and he is finally happy happy happy, and has been with her since last May, which was while we were still married, and is the incorrect start date as her husband contacted me and has been following them for 7 years of his marriage (they are now going through a divorce).
It’s not a jealousy, but an envy of how he is so unaffected by what he did to me, even with law and court representatives telling him to his face what they saw in him. I don’t want to have to figure him out anymore as it prevents me from fully moving forward. So how do I turn off the switch when the spath is moving on easily and I am still finding my ground?
Salvation2012 brings up two issues here that seem to be intertwined, but they really aren’t. The issues are what happens to the sociopath, and what happens to us.
The sociopath
Chances are very good that sooner or later, karma will move in on the sociopath. At some point sociopaths usually screw up. They go too far over the line, anger the wrong person, get sloppy, run out of people to exploit, or suffer medical consequences after years of unhealthy living.
But this is not going to happen on our timetable. In fact, we may never even hear of the sociopath’s unseemly collapse.
In the meantime, sociopaths seem to be getting away with everything. And yes, they are unaffected. But think about why they are unaffected: They are hollow, empty shells of human beings. They have no heart and no conscience. This is what enables them to shred us and move on without a second thought.
I’d rather keep my heart and conscience and suffer the pain than live their eternally barren existence.
So what do we do? We let them go. We let go of our experience with them. Our goal should be to get to the point where they simply don’t matter. They are non-entities.
Our own path of healing
Letting go of the sociopath is actually one of the best things we can do for ourselves. When we stop worrying, or even wondering, about consequences for the sociopath, we can focus our energy on our own healing.
Salvation2012 asked, “How do I turn off the switch?”
The first step is to viscerally accept what happened to us. Usually the switch that connects us to the sociopath is jammed on because we’re still beating ourselves up for falling for the lies, or wishing that what happened in our life did not happen.
We don’t condone the actions of the sociopath. We don’t like what happened, either. But we do have to get to the point where we can say, “It happened, and there’s nothing I can do about that now, except move forward.”
Then we take steps to process the pain. We look for our vulnerabilities and address them, so that we never fall for a sociopath again. And as we go along, we make sure to be good to ourselves.
Yes, we were hurt, but that’s because we have a heart and a conscience — both of which we want to cherish.
I think the way that Salvation2012 feels is very common for most people defrauded by a Sociopath.
Donna’s comments offer the great insight that spaths are “empty shells” and we know they do not have empathy for others. (I just noticed how similar the letters in the words empty and empathy are yet they are the complete opposite – latin root emp must fit in there somewhere!)
In my own personal justice seeking in many areas of my life, I have found that in most cases, there is not justice when something bad happens. I believe we should look at sociopaths almost like natural disasters. They hit shore and don’t care or know whom they harm. They twist and brew and bring buildings and people down literally to nothing except a concrete pad in shambles beneath their whole life. They move parts of the plates beneath the Earth’s surface and can damage property and kill. Natural disasters have no feelings. They just are. They don’t care the names of the victims. They just are there and they build up and they rip up people’s lives just doing what they do: Blowing, swirling, bubbling, and shaking people’s lives apart without having a heart or a brain. A bunch of particles formed together to destroy. Sociopaths are no different. They are a natural disaster and do not care who or what is in their path. No brain and no heart. A natural mistake born in the form of a real human. Disasters.
Many people deal with disasters in different ways. Some are capable of thinking, “It’s all gone, but I will rebuild.” Some get sick and have to rest. Some may never get completely well, but will typically have the survival instinct kick in and slowly make progress to rebuild their homes and lives….sometimes even after losing their own children. Sometimes, in life, there just isn’t any justice. Anyone challenged by any endeavor that requires courage and heroism knows that in time. As the book says, we all have to draw on whatever compels us to keep going “When Bad Things Happen to Good People.”
As far as the sociopath being “happy” and “finding the love of their life.” That is ALL they do. They go from one love of their life for a few weeks or months….and then on to the next love of their life. They may actually believe that each one, or their typical combination of many, will make them “feel” like normal people forever. They may actually believe that a human being they order around and manipulate will be perfect one day if they just keep going through us as if we are dots on a crazy map to bliss. But, they are wrong. I promise you. My first husband was a sociopath. He wasn’t the Navy Seal. He wasn’t the guy who knocked a gun out of the hand of a crook at a 7-11 on the way to visit his kids from his first marriage…(thank you internet as this is the type of story one could check out now). He wasn’t much of anything except a funny, charming, lovebombing, sociopath. A natural disaster. He is on wife number four now. And, guess what? He had to go to one his own age now. They do age and because many of them have multiple unsafe and unhealthy addictions, they don’t age so gracefully. They run out of money. They run out of charm. The woman he found this time has a boutique. I imagine that will go bankrupt after a few years with him. And he wasn’t as bad as the spath that followed him. The one that followed him into my path (just like a hurricane or tornado just takes a path) was a worse cheater, liar, manipulator, etc. He is now old with 1 1/2 lungs, one kidney and a rod in his leg from bone cancer where he is about to have a second surgery. He had a major heart attack at 54. They get old. Just as the strength of a natural disaster dissipates, so does the strength of most sociopaths. Unless they have a great deal of money and a great deal of luck, they end up old and alone or old and with people they don’t want to be with and are just using. It takes time. I divorced the first one in 1994. He has been in AA, so we have “talked it out” in recent years. I received amends from him, but how do I know if they are real? I do have to say that he was on the low end up the sociopath spectrum. He did give me the house as we would have made nothing off of it. He did that because I told him I “might” get back together with him in ten years if we didn’t have anyone else by then. He then went on to all of the ones who came next who were all probably described as the “love of his life.” They all had good jobs and homes and they were nothing but people who ended up in his path and didn’t know about lovefraud and sociopaths. Just in the path of this natural disaster.
In my opinion, that common feeling we all have to want revenge and to want to feel that we were the special one is human nature…just as the natural disaster that is a sociopath is of nature. I have to know I am special. Even if an earth quake or tornado shook or twisted my home off its foundation, I am still unique. Bad luck that a natural disaster ended up on my path, and I would go through all of the stages of grief if that happened. But, it would not be my fault. I was just there. And in the each natural disaster, people are just there. And each is special in his/her own way and no natural disaster can take that away.
Anyone who goes through a disaster knows that it takes time and perseverance and hard work to overcome it. It doesn’t happen overnight and it can often be a lifelong struggle depending upon how it affected an individual, special and unique person. But, it is just a group of molecules on a path of destruction as it moves through.
The sociopath is the same thing. A natural disaster…and no person is more or less special in its path. All are equally special and unique and loving and just ended up in its path. The only big difference is those of us who get ourselves educated about the sociopath can get away from the next one before it wreaks havoc.
Excellent read! Good way to think of them for sure.
Fight for what’s right: That was just tremendous. And amazingly helpful. My SP was on the mild end of the spectrum, as well. And I have to admit, I love thunder and lightening, and for all the pain he brought, I loved the storm that was him, too.
I also look around me at the destruction in his wake, and I know that I was spared the brunt of the storm. He got my roof, but he leveled others. Much as he was exciting, I need to move inland.
Thank you for your wonderful perspective. It brought me so much clarity.
Fight – what a great analogy! Thank you for your thoughts.
Thank you, Donna! As a somewhat voiceless agoraphobic person, it feels good to have appreciation for what I think.
I tried to help on some replevin cases, but I am afraid I am too late. He will just scrap or sell the bikes and get his new fiance to purchase him a new one so he doesn’t get caught. And you are right about the health issues. Their substance abuse catches up with them in their 40s and 50s, so just sit back and watch it happen.
My sister’s ex spath who married a spath was bought by her. She bought him a new truck every year, boats, anything he wanted. When she first snagged him, she thought she was getting something and he thought he was getting something. It wasn’t real love. Her husband had just died and she had a ton of life insurance money. He wanted that money. She wanted to steal him from my sister because she could compare to my sister in no way and had wanted him since high school.
Now, over the past 18 years, she refinanced her paid-for home over and over to buy him and he took it all. He looks a thousand years older than he is, but is trapped by not wanting to pay child support for two kids she had to have (now she has five by three different men….including a murder suspect in a long ago cold case) and smoking and drinking himself to death.
Now, they live in a rental house and they have 13 years until retirement age. He still gets his trucks and boats and she drives her parents cast off cars. They will never really own a home ever again even though they both make good money. Sometimes, I notice their photos on my nieces FB page. Believe me, my sister got the good end of that deal. I think getting rid of one, or being able to stay neutral and deflect any you are around, takes years off of a victim.
Fight,
I love that analogy of comparing a spath to a tornado or other natural disaster!!! 🙂
Things had been pretty quiet for our family,but I got a call from my youngest daughter that the oldest is suffering from all she has been through all these yrs;It makes me so sad I could cry.It seems like “the storm” hits in different ways,at different times.
Fight,
Your analogy of comparing the spath to a natural disaster is spot on. They’re like a big hurricane and sometimes were are in the eye of the storm but mostly we’re trapped in the hurricane, waiting for it to blow over.
You are right about the spath and aging. I just saw the ex at my one of my son’s school events and the spath looked so much older than when we were together. His hair was totally gray and he looked old! I do hope that karma catches up with him but I know that I may never see justice happen.
He doesn’t have you anymore. I think we all need to realize that losing US is justice. We have to have high enough self esteem to remember that.
What a strong response! You are such a badass! You should be blogging for teen girls. Your voice is very empowering.
I tell people that my biological mother is a hurricane! It’s so great to hear other people thinking on the same wavelength.
Justice is something I’ve been considering and pondering a lot, praying for revelation about. Ultimately justice can only be mimicked here on earth, where our judges and jurors are really just people with all sorts of their own issues like perhaps fear of the person they are judging? God just doesn’t have all that baggage, and He has the whole picture, and can see through all excuses. I’ve officially given my “trial” over to Jesus to be my lawyer, and so I’ve been able to rest my spirit from always fighting through what justice would look like. It feels so much more peaceful than having to always be looking over the evidence.
A way that I survived my upbringing was to constantly recount the evils done to me. . .over and over again as a way of living in reality. Because there was so many mental games it helped me to hold up against them and not become totally crazy or have stockholm syndrome. But that was a heavy weight to maintain. Finally, through many years of work I’ve been able to rest my case with God and trust that He’ll see to it that there’s perfect justice, something I couldn’t ever attain anyway. So much more peaceful this way! Plus there’s no statutes of limitation, God has no limits! AND there’s mercy, something I wouldn’t be able to have towards her, a mercy that’s brilliant because it’s totally married to justice. I can sleep now.
NomorePTSD – yours is a great approach to justice. Turn it over, and find peace in yourself.
Thank you for the encouragement Donna! I haven’t shared this with anybody, I haven’t heard of anybody saying it like that and because it’s a pretty new realization, but . . . .it’s so calming to me to trust God who has ALL the facts and desires to free us all from evil, even those who use evil to power them, they too matter to Him. I imagine there was a passel of sociopaths that put Jesus on the cross and He asked God to forgive them.
Thank you for the encouragement Donna. It’s a recent revelation to me, and I feel the most calm I ever have. I finally can let it go and trust that I will see perfect justice, because I believe the desire for justice is in me so that God can fulfill it.
Job 34:11-12 He repays a man for what he has done; he brings upon him what his conduct deserves. It is unthinkable that God would do wrong, that the Almighty would pervert justice.
Prov 11:21 Be sure of this: The wicked will not go unpunished.
Deuteronomy 32:3 It is mine to avenge; I will repay. In due time their foot will slip, their day of disaster is near and their doom rushes upon them.
1 Peter :10 The God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong.
It has been 5 years since my marriage, and I am having a really hard time moving forward. I was recently taken back to all of the angry feelings again when I learned he has a new baby with the current girlfriend.
At first I put myself in her shoes and thought, I know what she’s probably going through right now, and actually feel sorry for her. I know what’s going to hit her like a ton of bricks one day when she finds out who he really is. A man with no emotions. A person who lies, cheats and steals any time there’s an opportunity that benefits himself. He doesn’t feel love for them any more than he did with me and our son.
Then I have an internal struggle with other emotions when I think, It’s just not fair that someone like that gets a new baby girl! Why does he get to continue to live such a care-free lifestyle? I am stuck in a moment in time when I learned I cannot trust again. I’m scared to ever fall in love again for fear I could find another one like him. Or should I say, they find me! Meanwhile for him, life is still a huge party and he has everyone around him fooled. He manipulates the people closest to him and then everything falls into place so easily for him.
It’s hard to be thankful that I have emotions and he doesn’t. He does not ever feel stress, or worry, or saddness, or guilt, or loneliness. But I do. Every day.
New_day – As you said, you should feel sorry for the new girlfriend, and for the baby. Now that woman is permanently attached to him, whereas you have escaped. And that child has a sociopath for a father – what kind of upbringing will she have? How will he treat her? You are so lucky that you are not attempting to co-parent with a sociopath. It’s a nightmare.
Still, your feelings are understandable, and they show that you have more healing to do. Honor your emotions, and work towards releasing the pain and disappointment. We have many articles on Lovefraud that can help you. Look in the “Recovery from a sociopath” section in the gray buttons above.
Hi new_day:
I think there is too much pressure in our world to “move forward” as you say. All feelings are OK and your feeling bad and seeing his current situation from the outside as an observer isn’t always the reality. There are probably still people you know who may still think things were great for you,or that he was great, and you know that was not true. On the inside, they are disasters. They create chaos inside us and in our lives. It is no different with each new person they are with. For now, just breathe and allow yourself to feel your feelings. I also hear what you are saying about not wanting to “fall in love” again. I think the falling part is what you want to avoid. Be very afraid of loving someone who can’t love back. Read all of the books, keep growing here, and know the red flags as Donna reveals them so well that you won’t choose to love a sociopath again. Don’t fall again. Choose.
New Day, I know exactly how you feel. I had heard that my ex was happy and the new GF was moving in. I was in a good place and then i heard that. Well, interestingly a weird karma experience happened and he emailed me out of the blue and said he missed me, wanted to see me, have sex etc…(some pretty vulgar emails) I responded with don’t you have a girlfriend moving in? He said no and he was just dating casually…..oddly the next morning I saw her driving his car(I had never met her) so I decided to flag her down….and showed her all the emails.
I thought my dream had come true in terms of revenge. But then she told me how long they were dating….there was about an 8 month crossover that I had no idea about, and neither did she. Even though hopefully it ruined thier relationship, I still wish deep down that I wouldn’t have heard about the crossover. its set me back quite a but emotionally. But on the other hand I may have saved her…. It was such a coincidence.
I know it hurt to hear about the baby but Donna’s right….he isn’t truly happy, neither was mine clearly as he was reaching out for me. I 100% WITHOUT a doubt believe that it wasnt just ME! He will do this to every single girl he dates. I was lucky to get some proof and closure on that. So just believe that your ex will do the same to everyone else…
New_Day
Just like you were fooled by him, so are others. The only difference between their path and yours is timing.
He crossed your path earlier than he crossed theirs, so you have moved on while they are still traveling along with him.
People who surround a predator all view them with their individual and unique mixture of agenda, need, morality, hormones, intelligence and other characteristics. What they comprehend, accept, disregard or condemn is based on so many multiples that are entirely out of your control. Focusing on the happiness you believe others are enjoying can make you feel robbed of your own. When you do so, he continues to retain power in your life.
Be careful to do all you can to impart caring and empathy to your son. Being the child of a morally deficient person can produce a genetic pre-disposition to predatory behavior so if you see that he fails to connect with cause and effect, and has little regard for the well-being of others, do what you can to help him realign his sense of joy from “getting” to “giving.”
I wrote a poem about my own journey with a predator…. it will appear in my upcoming book, Carnal Abusive Deceit, When a Predator’s Lies Become Rape. Hope it gives you some solace when rumination over his seeming “well-being” starts eating away at you. Instead of continuing to churn and burn, simply read the poem and get on with the joy in your life.
All of us who have been there, have faced what you’re going through. You are not alone.
Predatory Path
You lead your life down Predatory Path,
Strewn with victims in aftermath.
Manipulating lies, deceit abounds,
How truthful all your spinning sounds.
The chaos you cause others fails,
To reach your conscience, as hard as nails.
As empathy fails to penetrate,
You find, you stalk, then blame their fate.
You groom with charm, destroy their guard,
’Til time to pounce, when you gouge hard.
Conflicting lies, unleash your greed,
All they can do is cry and plead.
And wonder where stability went-
Unmasked, move on, their wholeness is spent.
As you skip down your path anew,
“A new” victim to travel to.
No, no, not you, not one so fair,
Those folks who shriek, how do they dare?
Diminish them for the world to see-
Add insult to their injury.
Construct a wall, isolate their pain,
Disrupting cries inhibits your gain.
Their public sorrow could do you in,
Exposure could stop your continued sin.
As enlightenment escapes,
Recent eyes that you’ve mated,
Who envision you’re gold,
Though you’re just fools-gold plated.
A new notch for your belt,
Receptive to your lies,
Another unsuspecting victim;
Will they also get wise?
Joyce
Thanks for sharing that.
Thank you all for your wise and kind words. I love this website for making me feel like a person with value.
Co-parenting with a sociopath is very difficult. As much as I hate how he is always wearing a different mask, depending on who his audience is, I am thankful that one of the false personas is a caring father of my son twice per month. I wish I could have less contact with my ex and just stay focused on guiding my son to be a good man. I am devoted to being the best mom I can be to him. However, there is a constant fear within me that my boy will grow up and choose the wrong path anyway.
In a perfect world, justice would be served and consequences would be paid and I would have a front row seat to watch it all come down on him. But instead, I will start trusting my gut when it tells me his life is not as great as it looks. His friends are probably scumbags like him. His debt will probably cripple him at some point. His girlfriend will uncover the truth when the time is right for her. And I pray that his kids will grow up to be healthy and strong and never become victims of a sociopath!
Hi new_ day
I can relate to your feelings. I had only just given birth to our baby and that was after going through a hellish pregnancy only to find out he had gone and got his ex pregnant again on top of everything I had already been through it was like the biggest kick in the guts I didn’t want to believe it. Its been so incredibly painful and the whole time I have been asking myself the same questions as you have said. I think of the poor children never having a father that is stable and the kind of role model he will be and how many more lives will he destroy. I wonder also if my baby is at risk of growing up and becoming one also and I can’t help but feel guilt. There are so many questions I have but I know nothing is ever going to take anything back I can only move forward and be the best mother and role model I can possibly be and just forget it him as best as I can I just tell myself he is dead even if I have contact with him still I look at him as a different person these days.I just feel sorry for whoever else he gets hooks into and I am thankful I found out and im no longer a victim trying to make sense of things. Of course he kicked her out pregnant now she is on her own again and the cycle continues. Just know you are better off and at least now you have a chance to find somebody that will love you and treat the way u deserve to be treated. Bless you .
As unlikely as it may sound, the fact that he has a relationship with his son is probably good news. Abandoned children grow up to idealize the missing parent, regardless how grotesque their behavior was. As long as your ex’s involvement is not harmful to him, it gives your son the best possibility to make the distinction between a life of love or a life of shallow, disconnect.
Be sure to do all you can to fulfill your son’s need for plenty of hugs and caring. The good feelings that come from that kindness will be your legacy to him and will give you the best chance to outwit the demons that could be at play in the development of his moral reasoning.
Wishing you and your son a loving voyage through his childhood!
Joyce
Thank you Joyce!