Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader who posts as “Salvation2012.”
Thank you for helping me decide when I needed to cut my losses during my divorce. I did cut my “losses,” yet the total I received tallied up to a number similar, just not in all cash. Because I settled in his eyes, he told everyone I was just proving how I was the guilty one and didn’t want to risk being exposed. To the end he will deny permanently injuring me and bleeding me of money, and cheating on me (which I only later found out about the extent).
My recent concern is watching him seemingly have no consequences. I’m not a vengeful person, so this is a distressing area for me, but I just thought karma or something would move in. How was he convicted of a crime, and given no contact and stay away orders from civil and criminal courts, and still have his job, and still be with the woman he was with (apparently for the last 7 years. We were together since January 2007, so their relationship lasted the entirety of our time together), and his friends are happy for him.
Maybe I’m staunch in my morals, but if I had a friend who was found guilty and the judge took away his first time offenders rights because 1) the severity of the injuries and 2) it was only the first caught act of violence, I would not support that person anymore. I would say that person dug themselves a big hole and it’s theirs to climb out of or stay in.
I am finding peace in my new location, yet struggle with reality checking and normal people actually being normal and trusting that. He seems to be just fine and has announced to all the love of his life, and he is finally happy happy happy, and has been with her since last May, which was while we were still married, and is the incorrect start date as her husband contacted me and has been following them for 7 years of his marriage (they are now going through a divorce).
It’s not a jealousy, but an envy of how he is so unaffected by what he did to me, even with law and court representatives telling him to his face what they saw in him. I don’t want to have to figure him out anymore as it prevents me from fully moving forward. So how do I turn off the switch when the spath is moving on easily and I am still finding my ground?
Salvation2012 brings up two issues here that seem to be intertwined, but they really aren’t. The issues are what happens to the sociopath, and what happens to us.
The sociopath
Chances are very good that sooner or later, karma will move in on the sociopath. At some point sociopaths usually screw up. They go too far over the line, anger the wrong person, get sloppy, run out of people to exploit, or suffer medical consequences after years of unhealthy living.
But this is not going to happen on our timetable. In fact, we may never even hear of the sociopath’s unseemly collapse.
In the meantime, sociopaths seem to be getting away with everything. And yes, they are unaffected. But think about why they are unaffected: They are hollow, empty shells of human beings. They have no heart and no conscience. This is what enables them to shred us and move on without a second thought.
I’d rather keep my heart and conscience and suffer the pain than live their eternally barren existence.
So what do we do? We let them go. We let go of our experience with them. Our goal should be to get to the point where they simply don’t matter. They are non-entities.
Our own path of healing
Letting go of the sociopath is actually one of the best things we can do for ourselves. When we stop worrying, or even wondering, about consequences for the sociopath, we can focus our energy on our own healing.
Salvation2012 asked, “How do I turn off the switch?”
The first step is to viscerally accept what happened to us. Usually the switch that connects us to the sociopath is jammed on because we’re still beating ourselves up for falling for the lies, or wishing that what happened in our life did not happen.
We don’t condone the actions of the sociopath. We don’t like what happened, either. But we do have to get to the point where we can say, “It happened, and there’s nothing I can do about that now, except move forward.”
Then we take steps to process the pain. We look for our vulnerabilities and address them, so that we never fall for a sociopath again. And as we go along, we make sure to be good to ourselves.
Yes, we were hurt, but that’s because we have a heart and a conscience — both of which we want to cherish.
Hello LF community,
Focusing on self-love is what I need help with, as tempting as it is to replay the sp’s awful actions.
I was very nicely fooled by me ex of a 20-yr marriage. Barely recovered, walked right in the spider’s web of a master sp con man. After only 3 months of being deceived, thankfully, I am reeling on a rolled coaster of hurt, betrayal, anger, and a LOT of self-blame.
I would like to know how others practice kindness to yourselves and give yourself the self-love that, in my case, made me an easy target to the sp. I have a LONG way to go. Now, I let myself feel the hurt and let myself cry. If I am exhausted because it feels I’ve been hit by a sledge hammer, I sleep. I look for a trusted g/f to go out for coffee. I do isolate as I don’t trust people now. I have paranoid reactions when I think I saw (his) moving figure walking toward the front door and freak out.
“We look for our vulnerabilities and address them, so that we never fall for a sociopath again. And as we go along, we make sure to be good to ourselves.”
I will try to find a women’s support group, hopefully where face to face I have a voice about my inner demons and find care from supportive listening.
I will try to meditate daily, and each time I sit in silence I will ask for kindness into my life, just metaphorically envision that I have opened space and invited in kindness.
ANy time my mind wanders to him, and why this and why that, and how awful this or how deceptive that, I’ll catch the thought and say, it’s just a thought, and I don’t have to live there, and gently release it and try to feel my breath and feel my feet on the ground, right here, supporting me in my journey ahead, WITHOUT him.
The worst temptation is to indulge in memories of the seeming warmth from him — that’s when my brain goes in a screeching breaking point — the moments when he was affectionate, that deep voice whispering darling honey, the masculine embrace, the playful laughter and innocent jokes when we would meet for coffee and have huge grins to see each other. To have those memories flood my mind now, and know that it was all FAKE, while he was at the very moment stealing from me. The rage…
I understand the talk of the victims’ having normal human emotions of empathy and warmth, but the sp being hollow unable to have a conscience or feel love. Well…that just does not help me AT ALL. So what? It does not make it any easier for me to bear the betrayal.
DW
Hi Dancing Warrior: You are doing a good job of crying and sleeping when needed. When I had money, I got massages to help with many things. I highly recommend reading every book you can find that has to do with raising your own self esteem. They will be packed full of ideas and ways of thinking that may be new to you. I have been to a lot of meetings, and probably Codependents Anonymous would be the best 12 step one for a victim of a spath. The meetings are for YOU and focusing on making sure you don’t end up doing too much in any relationship again. Also, check with any places in your community that may offer classes for women. A city close to where I live has a YWCA Women’s Resource Center where they offer Self Esteem groups that last for four months. You might also contact your local Mental Health Association as they offer many free/pro-rated groups. Another great option is your local Domestic Violence organization. Many of them now include verbal and emotional abuse as pre-requisites for attending their group meetings or receiving individual counseling. Donna also has written a new book that covers how to make sure you recognize a sociopath more quickly so you can get out of any new relationships if you decide to pursue one. Educating yourself if the best thing you can do. Read and see if you attend any of the groups I listed above. Education is something no one can ever take away from you. Reading and self-help groups are an education for people victimized by a sociopath. Once you have a plan of defense, no one can get through that. Check out the local library on line and find every book they have for raising your self esteem and confidence while also alternating with books that teach you how to recognize danger more quickly. Education is personal growth and could save you from moving on to the next one…something some of us older ones have done too many times.
I get lost in the memories at times. I thought i had found my soul mate, my life time partner. How hard it is to accept that he never truly loved me. But i go on. It hurts. It truly hurts. I pray. Alot. I ask my higher power for answers, for understanding. I don’t trust, yet I wish I had someone, authentic to share my life with. I fear a life alone. I cry and I get angry. Sometimes a lonely existence. then I’m happy to be without the drama. Then I feel alone again. I cannot fathom how one person, one very sick person has invaded my life and made me feel this way. I know, i make myself feel this way. I say, please God let me feel alive again. Good days, bad days. no one to understand. no one but the few that come to this site. God bless you all. you are NOT alone.
therose…..you said exactly my feelings. I have the same pain. No one understands until it has happened to them.
I have been reading this site for 3 of my 5 years of trying to get a divorce from my Spath. I have been to group therapy and individual counseling. Nothing has made me realize who I was dealing with more than this website.
I have never posted before, but when I saw your post, it connected with me so much, I had to reach out and touch you….I feel your pain and wish I could help heal all of you that have been touched by a Sociopath.
I am praying for you all and wishing you a Wonderful New Spath-free life!
Thanks Lovefraud!
Lanie44 – I’m so glad that Lovefraud is helping you. Thanks for adding your voice.
Easier said than done: embrace the fact that we can’t turn off the switch because we’re not spaths. When I start down the path of stupid me didn’t see it coming or should have seen it coming — even though no one else did either — I think to myself, “Would I say that to a friend? To anyone?” No. I find it helpful, when I start thinking I should have had superhuman powers to see through the spath’s skillful deception, to imagine if I’d blame someone else the way I blame myself. Of course, we wouldn’t say such things to anyone else, and that helps me not say it to myself.
Also, I had to work really hard on not apologizing to others for needing their help and support through the aftermath of the spath. Literally, I still have to hold my tongue when I find myself starting to say, “I’m sorry,” for reaching out for support.
We can be as kind to ourselves as we are to others as one way to take care of ourselves. I was surprised how often I was blaming myself for not seeing he was a spath! I still do, but less often.
I don’t know if the sharp sting and pain from knowing the spath’s not being held accountable goes away. Maybe it lessens or is less frequent over time…I hope so. When I find myself feeling angry or sad that the spath got/gets away with it, I try to focus on doing something I enjoy each time his name comes into my head. It doesn’t always work, but I find sometimes is better than never.
This site is a blessing. Like others said, you’re not alone here.
swimmingupstream, I still can feel guilty for asking for help as well. Actually its more along the lines of believing others think that I should be healed by now… they have no idea what it was like to be in that situation and even if you explain it, or try to, it doesnt sink in for anyone who has not been there. I say it was like one of those Lifetime tv movies, but in real life and nobody can grasp it.
Thanks for posting 🙂
Hi Salvation2012. I think it’s interesting people think they have to understand it to be supportive. We can’t understand living through a tsunami, but we’re still supportive of those who did. A court expert, who is a trauma specialist in trauma and jury psychology, said people don’t want to believe it because that makes it possible it could happen to them and that’s too overwhelming to them :/
I hope so much you find some comfort and relief. You don’t deserve what happened to you! Wishing you moments of peace 🙂
swimmingupstream – welcome to Lovefraud. Thank you for your wise post – yes, we are much too hard on ourselves.
I do think the anger and frustration of sociopaths getting away with the damage they cause does dissipate in time. It is important to let the resentment go. It doesn’t hurt them, but it does hurt us.
Thank you, Donna.
He murdered my grandmother and terrorized my son. He attacked and stalked me and paid others to attack and stalk me to the point I suffered serious and disabling spinal cord injuries. Not a religious man, he suddenly joined a mega-church and became the minister of prison ministries. He laughed about hiring newly-let-out felons to do his dirty work and when they told police he hired them, police said they weren’t credible and such a pillar of the church he was how could they make such terrible accusations at him.
I had an executive corporate career prior to being disabled — I have a federal letter that says he is responsible for the disabling injuries, but that’s how I learned how fragmented the govt is — he has federal connections who protected him in court. I’m still stunned by the degree of injustice. In one of the states I moved to get away from him, he approached me in a parking lot from out of nowhere and was laughing, which he always did, never rage, just icy cold and laughing came at me. I asked him, “WHY!?!” He said, “Because I can.” I don’t know how to process his kind of thinking.
He stalked me state to state for over a decade and got away with it with his money and connections. I don’t live an enemy-centered life; I was deeply traumatized. I focus on the positive, but the deep trauma appears in nightmares and flashbacks 24/7. I find not being enemy-centered is “letting it go” and focus on the positive, but trauma nightmares and flashbacks aren’t a choice. I’ve been working with a trauma therapist since then who told me not to beat myself up for the results of the trauma he created.
I’m not a vindictive or retaliatory person; I don’t even fantasize about getting back at him, which annoys my husband to no end (the spath was not my husband) because he doesn’t understand how this spath could do all that he did and all I want is for the spath to leave me alone; I’m not an argumentative or revengeful person. I was a whistleblower who didn’t make it to trial because he stole the boxes of implicating files from my home when I was at work. I fight upstream every day to not let the trauma control my life.
When I read this article, I am reminded that there is SO much injustice in the world. So much that has happened to me, so many betrayals…. At some point, I made a choice to start letting some of these things go. The more people I “forgive” (i.e. let go of my resentment toward), the easier it becomes and the more I see the value in doing it with everyone. Both of my parents were disordered and they inflicted so much damage on me and my sister. I made a conscious choice to forgive them. My sister never did, and she suffers so much from her anger and resentment – it eats away at her health and her ability to form healthy relationships. I want to live my life with peace and joy. It has taken me many years to realize that I can’t control what other people do, and I myself make a lot of mistakes. I go through a process when upsetting things happen. I ask myself logically what I need to do with this situation to restore peace. Do I need to say something? Do I need to take action? Is there nothing I can do? Or can I forgive them/myself and let it go? But it no longer feels “normal” to live in bitterness and resentment. When I start feeling like that, I know I need an attitude adjustment.
I know what it’s like to feel completely devastated in life, having grown up in a physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive family. I have taken it as a personal challenge to overcome and live a healthy life filled with peace and joy. I am mostly there. Recently, I had a major disappointment with a man. I sat down and thought about how I want to handle it – logically. I could go the Jerry Springer route and create a lot of drama over it, cutting off the man and all of our mutual friends, nitpicking all the things he did wrong, feeling sorry for myself, and feeling bitter that at 52 I’ve never been married. I could go down that road. I’ve been down that road many times. This time I decided to just feel the hurt as a step on my path to wholeness. I chose to look at this man as the catalyst to helping me heal. Instead of cutting him off, I decided to keep him as a friend (he’s not a spath – he’s a kind and decent man). It turns out he is a wonderful friend, able to handle my pain and all my feelings. And I’m able to thank him for coming into my life and being a catalyst for my healing. It really takes a total attitude adjustment to come into this frame of mind. But the more I am able to do this, the more joy and peace I feel, and the more true friends I have. Instead of viewing this as one more abandonment, one more disappointment with men, I see it as my taste in men improving, because this one is a decent and good man, though not available to me at the moment for reasons that have nothing to do with me. He has come into my life to help me heal my attraction to unavailable men. It’s amazing how once I put peace and happiness as my number one goal in life, how I have been able to change my behaviors, change my choices, change my attitude, and change my entire thought process. It’s like I’m constantly striving for the light, instead of hanging out in darkness. Darkness no longer feels comfortable for me. When my thoughts go toward revenge and fear, acting out, or avoidance, my energy level drops and I feel depressed. But when I shift my attitude to something more constructive, my energy is raised again. That is my barometer (how I feel) to know whether I am on the right path or not.
As totally ironic and unthinkable as it seems, I also believe that the sociopaths who came into our lives serve a particular purpose for US. We can turn the tables in our minds. Instead of remaining angry and bitter that we only served a useful purpose for THEM, we can actually thank them for giving us a wake-up call, for giving us a do-or-die choice to become healthier and stronger people. Even a sociopath can be seen as a gift but only if we so choose to look at it that way. We can choose to look at our lives any way we want, and the way we think about our lives will determine whether our energy level or our “vibration” is higher or lower. You can be in the worst pain of your life and have nothing, and still raise your vibration just by the way you regard your situation.
Hi stargazer
I like your attitude and I agree with everything you wrote here thankyou for sharing your thoughts and writing this.Its so hard to see the positive in such a negative life changing experience but I do believe somehow it can be a blessing in disguise meeting these pyscho/s it really does give us an opportunity to transform our lives if we just make a shift in our mindset. I know the only way I got through my last experience was because of my spiritual beliefs otherwise I would probably still be in a world of kaos by hanging on to the ego based feelings. Let them go and hand them over to the universe to take care of.
I am not a vengeful person but actually I didn’t have to wait long for Karma to kick in. After an 11 year transatlantic relationship which saw me investing thousands of dollars and a significant amount of emotional support, my exSociopath, discarded me last September without even a word of explanation. I found out he had moved on when he changed his FB status to ‘single’.
Of course I was absolutely devastated. His Mother tried to comfort and support me (from 4000 miles away) but she was very cagey about giving me any information about what had happened. I was kept in emotional suffering.
3 weeks ago his mother contacted me to say that he had been admitted to hospital with liver damage and extensive fluid in his abdomen due to alcohol abuse. He is now at home but cannot ever drink again. I have tried to speak with him to give him some support (fool that I am) but he has blanked me.
Last week his mother let slip this new women’s name. Turns out not only does she live next door to his parents in the same apartment block, he also lives in the basement of the block, but she has a very high profile job in the Government and is a rising star in the Republican party. His Mother says the relationship won’t last, especially as the new women is probably realising what she has on her hands. A bankrupt, alcoholic with mental health problems (ouch, that sounds bitter, but true).
So since he walked away from me, his health has deteriorated and the new women is thinking twice about her future I guess. Sadly her husband committed suicide 3 years ago after a lifetime of depression and her Father and brother are both alcoholics, so not only is she on familiar ground here but I am thinking that she really needs my sympathy. I hope she doesn’t leave it 11 years to remove herself.
It amazes me that these men can attract into their pathological web such successful and apparently ‘together’ women, but that’s a whole new topic.
Blessings to all who are suffering, together we will make it.
I think one of the hardest things about being victimized is that ‘other people’ don’t understand what we go through and tend to blame us. It is a ‘blame the victim’ world and it is unjustified and cruel.
My spath graduated from the same high school class I did, making it hard to avoid or ‘disentangle’ from her. To this day, whenever I bump into someone from that class they ask me about her and why I left the friendship. I have been compared to her (she always got her ideas from me, which is ironic) and they judge me as the jealous one who could not handle her success.
I am finally managing to say things like, “Why are you asking about her? It was decades ago. Are you still seeing the same friend after all these years?” That one works quite well because it puts the focus on them. If they aren’t still hanging around with their former friend I can ask them why.
Another thing I learned is how to answer is, “Why haven’t you ever attended a high school class reunion?” I usually say that I was out of town or did not receive an invitation. Then I will ask the interrogator to call me so that we can discuss the whole thing. Of course, no one does call. They go on believing what they want to believe.
As for the spath…with the ability to track anyone these days on the Internet I have noted her whereabouts so that if I went shopping in that area (or got a job there) I would be prepared if we bumped into each other.
The last thing I had heard was that she was very successful in her field (and it shocked me that she continued to define herself based on what I do…no word of lie).
On a positive note…this spath did not fool everybody from our high school class. Two people (one from her neighborhood) definitely saw her as evil and conniving. One of them, a guy, met me years ago and we had lunch. He said, “You were always so beautiful…and still are. She was on a beauty trip…”
And I have since talked to two other people who did ‘see the light’ after listening to me. They were shocked.
As one of my brothers said, “The real truth about people eventually is exposed…”
And a former counselor (male) told me, “She could not become you physically, so she tried to destroy what she knew she wasn’t.”
I am sure there are plenty of women out there who can relate to this story.
Sam, you may not see the positive in a situation. But even telling yourself, “I don’t see the positive in this situation but someday I will” or “I am determined to make something good come out of this situation” will raise your vibration. Just as an exercise, you can try on these different thoughts to see how they feel. Then you can try the thoughts, “He ruined my life. I will never feel better” and see how this feels by comparison. Same situation, different attitudes. And the difference can change how you get up to face the day. This is why people love that song “I Will Survive.” The message is a very positive one in spite of how angry she is in the song. Thoughts are very powerful. They are things unto themselves, and they have the power to create or destroy. And you can choose them – that’s what’s so awesome.
Stargazer
Yes I very much agree with you again thoughts and words are very powerful. And I love that song and anything with strong empowering messages. And it was very difficult to see the positive in the beginning but I am determined to make a positive out of this situation one positive is moving forward,a new beginning and I am excited about what the future could have waiting for me. Thankyou 🙂
Thank you so much for selecting my email as a topic for healing thoughts. Your article Donna, is very helpful, as well as the comments I am currently reading through. I have done a lot of soul searching since writing that email and am going to my first women’s group meeting this week who are recovering from abusive relationships. Writing also helps me process things and after writing many of my thoughts out, the incident last year started to feel more distant and removed from my self, like it was “out there” now, instead of defining me and where I am present day. I have also made the choice to start referring to my permanent injuries as where I am physically today, rather than “I was attacked and this is the result.” I accept now that seeing my limitations as a result of the attack last year only kept me in that moment, clinging to it, pointing my finger at it and afraid of it. I actually told my story to the intake workers last week without crying, I was amazed I wasn’t afraid of it any longer, as this was the first time I did not cry… it was just something that happened.
This does not mean I am healed, but hopefully taking another step forward… Thanks again for your help Donna and your site has been a tremendous resource… I hope I can pass it forward someday like you have for me and others here 🙂
I know its not much but this is what comforts me. I love, I mean I LOVE from the tips of my fingers to the deepest part of my soul. I know how to do this, I do do it. I love my children this way. It is the mightiest most encompassing emotion. And yes I did give that to the wrong people from time to time but more right ones than wrong. I have that. I experience it. They NEVER can know what that is, indeed don’t seem to want to. But ohh what a life unlived is to not be able to do that in my opinion.
That is OUR gift that they wont ever ever have. I can almost pity them for that.
That and when I leave this life, I KNOW I’ve often made a positive difference, even if its just to one person at a time. And that is something Im forever grateful for.
That’s how I learned not to be overwhelmed bitter or angry. On dark days it sometimes isn’t enough but mostly it is, now……
Thank you all for such wonderful comments on this story – very helpful for everyone who is working towards a happier, more fulfilling life.