Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader who posts as “Salvation2012.”
Thank you for helping me decide when I needed to cut my losses during my divorce. I did cut my “losses,” yet the total I received tallied up to a number similar, just not in all cash. Because I settled in his eyes, he told everyone I was just proving how I was the guilty one and didn’t want to risk being exposed. To the end he will deny permanently injuring me and bleeding me of money, and cheating on me (which I only later found out about the extent).
My recent concern is watching him seemingly have no consequences. I’m not a vengeful person, so this is a distressing area for me, but I just thought karma or something would move in. How was he convicted of a crime, and given no contact and stay away orders from civil and criminal courts, and still have his job, and still be with the woman he was with (apparently for the last 7 years. We were together since January 2007, so their relationship lasted the entirety of our time together), and his friends are happy for him.
Maybe I’m staunch in my morals, but if I had a friend who was found guilty and the judge took away his first time offenders rights because 1) the severity of the injuries and 2) it was only the first caught act of violence, I would not support that person anymore. I would say that person dug themselves a big hole and it’s theirs to climb out of or stay in.
I am finding peace in my new location, yet struggle with reality checking and normal people actually being normal and trusting that. He seems to be just fine and has announced to all the love of his life, and he is finally happy happy happy, and has been with her since last May, which was while we were still married, and is the incorrect start date as her husband contacted me and has been following them for 7 years of his marriage (they are now going through a divorce).
It’s not a jealousy, but an envy of how he is so unaffected by what he did to me, even with law and court representatives telling him to his face what they saw in him. I don’t want to have to figure him out anymore as it prevents me from fully moving forward. So how do I turn off the switch when the spath is moving on easily and I am still finding my ground?
Salvation2012 brings up two issues here that seem to be intertwined, but they really aren’t. The issues are what happens to the sociopath, and what happens to us.
The sociopath
Chances are very good that sooner or later, karma will move in on the sociopath. At some point sociopaths usually screw up. They go too far over the line, anger the wrong person, get sloppy, run out of people to exploit, or suffer medical consequences after years of unhealthy living.
But this is not going to happen on our timetable. In fact, we may never even hear of the sociopath’s unseemly collapse.
In the meantime, sociopaths seem to be getting away with everything. And yes, they are unaffected. But think about why they are unaffected: They are hollow, empty shells of human beings. They have no heart and no conscience. This is what enables them to shred us and move on without a second thought.
I’d rather keep my heart and conscience and suffer the pain than live their eternally barren existence.
So what do we do? We let them go. We let go of our experience with them. Our goal should be to get to the point where they simply don’t matter. They are non-entities.
Our own path of healing
Letting go of the sociopath is actually one of the best things we can do for ourselves. When we stop worrying, or even wondering, about consequences for the sociopath, we can focus our energy on our own healing.
Salvation2012 asked, “How do I turn off the switch?”
The first step is to viscerally accept what happened to us. Usually the switch that connects us to the sociopath is jammed on because we’re still beating ourselves up for falling for the lies, or wishing that what happened in our life did not happen.
We don’t condone the actions of the sociopath. We don’t like what happened, either. But we do have to get to the point where we can say, “It happened, and there’s nothing I can do about that now, except move forward.”
Then we take steps to process the pain. We look for our vulnerabilities and address them, so that we never fall for a sociopath again. And as we go along, we make sure to be good to ourselves.
Yes, we were hurt, but that’s because we have a heart and a conscience — both of which we want to cherish.
Fight, Donna, and Everyone Here,
I am the one that should be thanking all of you for being for me; for reading, commenting, and understanding.
It feels so good to be able to tell someone my story. To just talk to someone. I am one of those people that have almost no one, there is only my son, my high school sweetie (after a 40 years absence, lots of calls, emails, one ‘date’, I am too afraid), my therapist, my ‘good’ law firm, and of course, my pets.
One of the best things that I learned from therapy is that everyone needs other people to share things with.
Thank you for being those people for me.
Lost, what your son said to him was so powerful and in a way says everything that needs to be said. Grow up. Just leave. Get out of here. There won’t be any growing up. But they should here it anyway. Especially perhaps from the children they bring into the world and wreck havoc upon so routinely.Thanks for being with us Lost.
lost everything: Thank you, also. It is a very big deal to me also to be able to share here and get empathy from others as well.
I am very alone also. My family got very angry at me for developing PTSD, Depression, etc. I have no children of my own and helped raise my sisters and their children. I was around for a lot more tragedies than my narcissistic parents.
It has hurt so much to realize that, although I was there for them, when I needed help most, they ostracized me completely. Both of my sisters have mental illness. However, THEIR mental illness was more important. They would need so much help. I had to be strong all of the time.
When I finally started getting too sick to run out the door to rescue them constantly, I still had to continue through big tragedies. I felt I had no choice. When I just could no longer do it, they began spreading lies about me to all of the extended family. I have one cousin I can count on and she lives far away.
I am allergic to pets. Instead, my PTSD has been worsened by neighbors who let their dogs bark day and night non-stop. I have one good neighbor next door, but I had to train their dog not to bark. I have two sociopath neighbors. One with dogs he actually trained to run and jump on my fence and he and his wife would actually tell the dog to go after me and bark and act like it was going to bite me every time I was in my back yard. When I finally had enough, and told the wife to stop it, they called their police friends to harass me. The man also threatened me with a gun, but his mother is a police dispatcher…and his brother in law is a cop, so I filed a report and got no help. I finally handled it through federal officials and the new city manager. But, it took years. Now they had to put up a wooden fence around their patio and when their dogs bark, they bark into THEIR living room and they have trained them to stop. I also have a terrible trigger about dogs because a dog and alcoholic next door neighbors were the first reason I’m aware of that my parents began talking about moving from my real home in CA.
The sociopath behind me has an ATV track in his back yard and they run races back there all of the time. I would say my small, southern town has a much higher number of sociopaths than average. I was moved here from a wonderful place in a progressive state when I was a teen. My sisters and I have never been the same. But, it took me longer to get so sick. I have not ever been able to find a female friend here who shared my progressive equality beliefs. And I am surrounded by people who are just trashy and say they believe one thing while everything they do belies their so-called beliefs.
I have no one who doesn’t think he should own me to be my friend. I have an ex-husband who is borderline and an ex-boyfriend who is a spath. They both will help me in some emergencies and one lives next door to me and pays rent. But, as far as a single person nearby I can rely on completely without having to act like their illusion of me, I have no one. I have to keep two men happy and keep my mouth shut when it comes to the real me just to have one to talk to sometimes or to get a repair I can’t afford done on my home. I have to pretend to be what they want me to be and it is getting more and more difficult so I spend a lot of time alone instead.
Right now, I am trying to work on being who I am. But, I haven’t been able to be who I am without regional backwards abuse and misogyny since I was 16….younger if you count my father. I tried to continue to buck their hillbilly system for many years after being moved here. My dad is ignorant and moved us here and no one really knows why. His panhandling preacher brother moved here first. Then, the rest of his family. But, we aren’t like them. We’ve been given a different story every few years. He had no empathy whatsoever for what he did to his daughters.
I finally lost the battle. I have no one. I guess that’s why I consider my whole life a natural disaster. If I think about how dumb I was not to go back home with nothing except my free brain when I was 18, I want to scream. I would have to blame myself, so to imagine what was done to me by so many people as a natural disaster, helps me.
So, this website has been a lifesaver for me. I read about other people struggling. And, best of all, I read about other people whom are regaining who they are and remembering what their dreams, hopes, personalities, and beliefs are. I got kidnapped into a cult of hate and ignorance. This site is my way out of it. I get to talk to intelligent people from so many places and I have found people here who care about me even though they’ve never met me. I care about them, too. I care about you and this article truly spoke to me.
Hi fight, I come from a very small family. I am an only child and have only one son. My dad died in 1998 and my mom in 2009, 7 years after losing her sight, followed by a whole panoply of subsequent medical issues.
My mom’s whole family is gone except for 2 cousins, one of whom lives in a different country and the other, who at one time we had a sister-like relationship, has a bit of a stuck up attitude and have not been close since 1982, yes the latespath brought that about.
My dad’s family is also gone, but for his youngest brother who moved out of the area in the early 1950s. His children, my cousins, I don’t really know and I have not seen my uncle since my dad’s funeral.
My dad was a social butterfly and a ‘joiner’. My mom was just the opposite; as I have found out, victims of childhood sexual abuse, have a very hard time trusting other people which many times, gets worse as they get older. So there aren’t any family friends.
As I have always lived with my parents; the latespath was such a good provider (sarcastic). It was their house, their rules. I don’t have any friends of my own.
I am a ‘talker’. I made it my business to know the first names of the of the employees where I shop. I know about their TV likes and dislikes, their families, their pets. They are real people not just robots that operate cash registers. I talk with with them. They say Hi to me as well.
Sorry to hear about your allergies. Maybe you doctor can recommend a ‘friend’ with scales or feathers that would suit your life. The shelters are full of future friends of all types.
My therapist keeps telling me ‘you have to regain your ‘color’, the ‘color’ the spath drained, and once you do you are back to being you’.
Remember you are not responsible for the damage the spath inflicted.
Hugs
Fight, you have this place now. We can’t come over to have tea or watch a film but we’re are here, lots of us, from all over the world. It’s my birthday today. My sister ( recovering alcoholic 12 stepper who missed the part about apologising to those she’s hurt; former heroin user, prescription drug abuser, neglected my nephew in horrendous ways during his early childhood) didn’t bother to call or email. My father died of alcoholism years ago. My mother and I are estranged. It’s ok fight, it really is. You’re meant to be here, living life, learning, feeling, thinking, and growing. You matter. Please remember that. Peace and love and this ((hug)) ti you
Thank you so much, lost everything and Tea Light. I do have you and it has helped me so much. I am getting stronger more often in my resolve to “get my color back.” I do have a fish and he’s cool. I do feel so much camaraderie here and when so isolated, it is very helpful to know that I am not alone in being alone.
Tea Light, happy birthday yesterday. I appreciate you both so much for reaching out to me when I was having a rough time.
Hi fight, I had such an emotional reaction after reading your post. I am so sorry you have these experiences, and multiple sociopaths to deal with. It’s so unjust that nice decent people have no choice but to inhabit this world with these “others”. I’m reminded of Anne Frank’s diary lately and her belief that people are really good at heart. I used to believe this as well, but the cards that we have been dealt seems to tell us otherwise. I had social anxiety for most of my life, and my experience with the predator this past fall has caused a recurrence of this disorder. As a gay man, I have great difficulty connecting with most other men on a social level. I guess that’s just my cross to bear. I don’t like it, I try to fight it, and of course I address this in therapy. I’m always fearful of being judged and condemned, as I was in a big way with this last guy. My struggle is still very much involved with self esteem. It’s hard to shake the idea that something is wrong with me. It’s just going to take time, I know. I am still trying, seems I’m in a rush to be healed from the deep emotional pain, but I have to remind myself to also let time do it’s thing. Take care fight, I really hope that there is inner peace for you, me, all of us on LF.
Ps happy belated birthday Tea Light if you’re reading this!
toknowimok: Thank you very much. It helps me to think that someone could read my post at any time and be thinking good thoughts about me…putting good vibes out there. I really appreciate it. Part of my story of being a whistleblower has just ruined my brain, my career, and my health….and most of the time, I am too scared to even talk about it except in generalities.
So many people get ostracized for so many silly reasons. Love truly is all we need to make a better world. When I read The Diary of Anne Frank, I became Agnostic. I think it helped her at the time to write about the inherent goodness of others, but I don’t think it’s true either. Hitler used religion to use people to act in evil ways against so many people “at risk” in the world.
I have known some gay people in Al-Anon (in the South, they can be in much danger), and worked at a museum here, and I could see that the men and women who were gay had to work so much harder at staying centered in a cruel world.
My ex-husband was told by a friend of his many years ago (a woman working on her doctorate and testing him) that he was psychologically both female and male equally. He is not gay as far as I know. He is very cerebral and he uses both sides of his brain. Research shows that is very unusual. That most women can use both sides of the brain at once. But, most men can only use one side at a time. He has a lot of trouble making friends in the South. He doesn’t understand why. He is very religious and he is always switching churches wanting to have a guy friend who wants to talk about ideas and Philosophy. He never quite fits in because they want to talk about guns and using women (while being forgiven for violence and using people) and he gets very uncomfortable. I’ve tried to tell him it is because they are not capable of using both sides of their brain. I think they think he is gay and there are few churches in the South who are nice to gay people. He is Cognitive Dissonance in a nutshell. He is not really someone I would have ever married if I had been able to live in my real home after 16. But, he tries, and because of his feminine brain qualities, he has empathy and will talk and listen a lot more than the average straight guy. A lot more than the spath I put up with right now.
I think a lot of the people here have unique qualities that make us deeper, more easily hurt, and more disappointed at the evil people do for no reason.
Thank you, toknowimok, for making me feel heard and understood tonight. I am thinking of you as you struggle through your dealings with a spath and hope we are all helping each other heal our hearts and brains.
Thank you so much toknowimok! Your birthday wishes have prompted me to have some birthday cake and a nice cup of tea. I’m saddened to read of your social isolation and feelings of shame. Others’ fear and shame is theirs. Don’t carry it for them, love yourself, be safe.
Thank you again fight , Tea Light and everyone else. Loving myself is a challenge at this point, but I can get there again. It’s going to take time and I wish I could just flip a switch and get over it…but I know I have to have patience and I do. Hugs
I had an interesting weekend… and some interesting insights about the seeming lack of consequences that our exs experience. I went to a graduation party yesterday for a young man who graduated from medical school. This kid was in my son’s infant play group and I celebrated this milestone in his life with all the other significant adults in his life. My ex was the only “uncle ” not present. He ran away and cut ties with EVERY person he has interacted with for 50 years. When I experienced some pride and some satisfaction from this young man’s accomplishments (I was the one to push for med school for him)I realized that the lack of those feelings is the ultimate consequence really!!! There is not one person alive (except his new victim really) who would be able to stand up at his funeral and say one good thing about him. He has been an awful son an absent dad and a %$# of a husband. Friends? he has none.
That is a terrible consequence…pity they can’t feel that!!!
Imara – what a terrific observation. They are nothing but wasted lives.
Sometimes I worry too much about what others think.As I’m telling my friends something,they’ll remark,”don’t you think we know him?!”
So as the old saying goes,”Nobody’s his fool”.I think he has one friend.The others are aquaintances.Sad.
I hear you blossom. For so long I wanted everyone to know how awful he was and found myself obsessed with proving that to everyone. As time is passing I’m realizing that its more embarrassing that I ever even knew him. I KNOW what people think of him and so many people keep telling me “I can’t believe you were with that guy” My ex used to think I would “bad mouth” him to everyone and twist stories and lie…but the sad truth is that I never had to. Those stories were exactly as horrifying as I told.
Funny today, we still run in the same circles in the community and I teach some of the kids he coaches. Many of them knew we dated. Today one of the boys at school(his athlete) pulled his picture up at the end of class and showed it to some students and they all were like “Eeeeww that was your boyfriend hes ugly and short!!) Normally I would find that totally inappropriate and shut it down immediately but for some reason I let it slide for a few minutes lol. It felt good to know where I stand in their eyes…looks wise anyway haha
Serenity I went through so much of what you are struggling with and had to learn the hard way that fair does not exist for me. I’ve had to completely rethink and retrain my expectations. Some of these beings are so good at what they do, and have so many different targets, and games, and resources available that you do not stand a chance because you are not playing on a level field. If you go on wikibooks- living with a narcissist you can read about detraction and calumny, ect. And don’t miss the section on charm & deadly charm. It explains better than I can the tools they use to destroy your reputation and isolate you. I can testify that I have experienced all of this. My whole life I have been respected and active in my community. My psuedowife has in a few years come into my community and parlayed my good name ( probably a large part of why I was targeted ) into being one of the most influential people in our area. I am now basically a cautionary tale and now only associate with a select few from my local area. I of course have good supportive friends and family in other areas fairly close by. Once you realize the game is rigged, you stop trying to win. You can’t. Not this game.
Thanks that makes a lot of sense….I just can’t win because the game is rigged. Never thought of it that way. Part of his disorder I realized was that he would APPEAR to be logical and get it…even cry sometimes in remorse and apologize and admit lies. Then on a turn of a dime it would be turned back onto me being my fault. It was almost like everything I accused him of: The lying, the cheating, the backstabbing etc he would turn around and say it was ME or that he only did those things because he “figured I was doing the same thing” LOL its so ridiculous I laugh about it now…
Anyway thank you for the thought…
Blossom hello. I’m happy for you that you have some good local support. Even then I know it’s got to wear on you sometimes. Sorry to hear he’s still focusing on you. Sounds like you have some good friends though. True friends will be there and even help with your burdens when they weigh you down. Hang in there cybersis.
They are indeed wasted lives. Sadder though, is the lives of other they have turned into wasted and in many cases, damaged and even destroyed lives as well.
A couple of years ago, a paralegal in my ‘good’ law firm, after reviewing a good size sampling of the latespath’s writings, asked me who I felt sorry for. I told her, no one involved in any of this, rather the person who was on the waiting list for XXX law school that didn’t get in because the spath took the place. He wasted the education, sadder he deprived someone of the education that they would have appreciated or at least, used.
Tea, I thought of you this morning!! I was reading an article from the Sandra Says posts that I get through the Institute that she runs. Any way, this article speaks to why we go through the spin and the cognitive dissonance every time contact is reestablished with a disordered partner. It certainly spoke to me and may help you too!!!Got my Star Trek fix this weekend… Live long and prosper my LF friends!
Thanks so much Imara! I’ll take a look. Keep on trekking!
Imara that was a GREAT recommendation thanks so much, I’ll get a lot from her articles. Peace and love to you today.
Hi toknowimok:
Glad you’re here. It is interesting how many of us can love someone else until we are a wisp of our former selves. Yet, we can’t love ourselves.
One thing this site has done for me is that I FEEL love from so many of the members here. Their showing me love and concern has truly helped remind me that I deserve to love myself. Hold on to our love for you as a person who deserves respect and dignity in your life. I have noticed that the longer people have been on this site, the more they are able to love themselves and leave loving comments for others.
Thank you fight, I agree. I am so thankful for LF it’s very supplemental to my therapy and antidepressants. I believe what is taking so long is the gaslighting I endured from someone I trusted, thought so highly of, thought I had a frienship with, and yet never met. Hard to shake what he said, so judgmental, so condemning. I was only doing the best I could in such an unfamiliar situation. The fact is I didn’t know what I was doing or what was expected of me. Turns out, on reflection, I was only a sex object. The whole time.
toknowimok: We’ve all been there. If I remember the spath as if he is a natural disaster with no human feelings….just leaving a path of destruction, it helps a lot. You will feel that way at some point. It takes a lot of work to detach from someone bad for us. Sometimes we have to work at it over and over again. I know I have to work on myself and focus on my ability to find peace all day long, and sometimes, all night long.
Thanks fight, if there is anything I learned, it’s that people aren’t always what they seem. I went out last night and was talking to a woman I just met after I saw a friend in a show. We all went out to a pub after and the conversation came around to the topic of depression. I admitted I was being treated for depression which surprised my new friend. She swore I seemed totally fine and happy. At the time, I guess I was because I was being sociable and laughing at jokes, etc. I told her there is a lot going on inside me, and if it’s not manifesting, that either means I hide my pain very well, or I just may be on the right path to healing. I certainly hope it’s the latter, only time will tell.
toknowimok:
I’m glad you had the courage to confide in your friend. Good people should be able to handle when a friend is ill and then you don’t have to put on a “happy face” when you don’t feel like it. Glad you got to enjoy yourself as best you could.
Hi again fight! Lol, no it didn’t take any courage at all 🙂 I was with a group of women, and I felt very comfortable sharing. The topic just happened to come up. I was raised as the only boy out of 5 children, so I’ve always related to females better than males. And I guess you can say I’ve always been feminine. So it’s not really a surprise to anyone that I’m gay. 🙂
toknowimok,
You sound like you’re still going through that stage of disbelief;of trying to figure out WHAT happened to you,and HOW it could have happened to you!It’s hard enough for those of us who actually lived with sociopaths~but to have gone through your online experience must truly be surreal!
I ended up in an “email” experience where someone was trying to pull me in. It was that reporter I’ve talked about some. I planned never to meet him and remain anonymous. Supposedly, my meeting him was a crazy kizmet thing. However, I think he and another spath put together a scheme so he could meet me and take away my anonymity. After he met me, it was unbelievable. I wouldn’t exactly say it was “love” bombing. It was more like compliments of every kind pulling me in and pretending he was feeling an attraction that maybe he wasn’t feeling. I will never know. It took me forever to figure out I was his ticket out of lowest level of reporting (which is where his talent really was) to highest of awards and promotions for breaking a big story. He would even email/call me and ask ME how he should write certain things out because he didn’t have the vocabulary to handle it. He pulled me in for about a month sight unseen by talking about how brave I was…how he respected my integrity. But, after we met, he became a “protector” and I felt he was the only person I could trust. Then, what I call “the yo-yo-ing” began. It really is amazing how little time and effort it takes on their part to get us wound up in their yo-yoing.
Thank you blossom. You are correct. Very surreal. I don’t think I’d be so upset if he was just some random guy. The thing is, we corresponded for almost 5 years before talking on the phone . I felt in my heart I had a kindred spirit and I felt so much affection for him. I always thought it would have been better to keep that to myself given the distance. I was content with a friendship. If I didn’t develop the feelings further like I did when we were talking on the phone he would nOt have said such terrible things about my character when all I did was react to what he was imposing (a word I can use now to define what he did) on me. I am insecure. So are many others. But the way he told me “you are a very insecure guy” gutted me. Because I didn’t know what was going on? Because I wanted to know if I could correct MY behavior to have some sense of harmony in what was happening between us? No. Flat out “you’re insecure and you depend on others for happiness” that was his summation of me. To this day I know I did not say anything that hinted that I was dependent on him. I was just struggling while he was stringing me along. I wanted to know what was happening, where I stood, jumping through hoops to please him. I had no idea what I was doing, I was just trying to do the right thing. I had never been in such a situation before. If it was only about sex that he wanted to arrange with me in a year’s time, why not just come out and say it? Emotionally detached physical pleasure, not really something I can think of having now, especially someone I cared about. Oh well, I just keep telling myself I did the best I could. I just dont ever want to go through that again. The scars will remind me.
toknowimok,
Because spath was from the north and I was from the south,ours was a courtship through mail and over the telephone.It didn’t last as long as yours did.We were married within a year.I’m telling you this because I understand what a long-distance relationship is like.We did see each other once before being married.
I cannot imagine the shock and the injury to one’s psyche when hearing “you’re insecure and you depend upon others for happiness” from someone supposedly a friend!To me,it sounds like that person was trying to bring you down to their level!
Hi blossom. Yes, hindsight has educated me though. The friendship was a lie. It had no value to him. All I was, I have figured out since, was a source of entertainment for him. Boy, he must have been really bored then! Yes it hurt deeply, I was duped. And I can’t rewind to that time knowing what I know now. I really think I’m healing slowly but surely though
This is one of my favorite threads recently. I am currently allowing consequences to hit the Lodger spath and observing with as much detachment as I can.