lf2

Sociopaths explain their own words

Perhaps the hardest thing for those of us targeted by sociopaths to grasp is the extent of their inhumanity.

Sociopaths have no empathy. They do not feel connections to other human beings. We are mere pawns in their games. They view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators, everyone else is prey.

We ask, “How can this be?”

We object, “He said he loved me!” (“She said she loved me!”)

We argue, “I said I was leaving and he cried! He begged me to stay! He said he couldn’t live without me!” (The female sociopath did too.)

Well, let’s take a look at what their words really mean. A Lovefraud reader visited Sociopathworld.com. “They had a discussion going on things they said but what they actually meant to them,” she wrote.

Here’s what our reader sent:

The Cheat-Sheet for What a Sociopath Really Means

1. I love you: I am fond of your companionship and put you above most, but never above me. Consider it an honor.

2. I’m sorry, forgive me: I really do not enjoy the fact that your mood has altered. Please revert back to normal.

3. I’d do anything for you: I’d do plenty to keep you right where I want you to be.

4. My condolences for your loss: *crickets* … It’s just a body. See you later when you aren’t being an emotional train-wreck.

5. S/he fills my heart with joy: I haven’t had this much fun playing in a long time, and the sex is more than acceptable.

6. I love my family: They’re mine.

7. That’s simply shocking: You’ve touched my morbid bone. No need to stop now…

8. Deep down, I feel I’m a good person: I’m not in prison and I stopped abusing animals, mostly. What more can you possibly demand of me?

9. I’m not a monster, I’m a human too: I’m trying to seem human, give me a break. It’s not like this is particularly natural for me.

10. I have feelings too: I feel frustrated when your feelings get in my way.

11. I wouldn’t lie to you: I lie to you every time I say I wouldn’t lie to you.

12. I understand/respect your feelings: I appreciate your feelings because I use them to manipulate you.

13. I never meant to hurt you: mission accomplished.

14. I want to work things out: I want to work things out for today.

15. I’ll always be there for you: I’ll try to as long as I need something from you

Remember this: Never evaluate the words or actions of a sociopath based on what you mean by your words and actions. For a sociopath, it’s all about manipulation.


Comment on this article

310 Comments on "Sociopaths explain their own words"

Notify of
one/joy_step_at_a_time

This, will no doubt be a lively thread!

#10 caught my attention. I have been feeling my way through the dismissal and discard lately – looking at some of her actions and my feelings anew.

#2 – incisive. I only heard I’m sorry from the main character a couple of times – because ‘he’ never did anything he would have to be sorry about -‘cept the fake death. ‘His dying words to me , were ‘I’m sorry’, which was one of the red flags. I think it was, ‘I’m sorry the game is up….for now.’ The apologies from the other characters were long winded and convoluted and along the lines of, ‘I’m sorry if good people have to stand for themselves, and bad people, who pretend to be good are so hypocritical’. And then there were the non-apologies which used the word sorry a lot: ‘i will never be sorry, i fully believe x was honest with you about this or that, and if you don’t then i guess you weren’t all that and i am sorry that YOU are disrespecting his memory’. She didn’t like it when i called her game; raised her wrath through the roof.

“he’ was however, always saying what a sorry creature he was, eliciting frequent support and protestations from me and others. It was a solid con – all these hooked in people saying, ‘ouu, but your are so blahblahblah’; and her just reeling us in like catfish.

Last time i talked to her, the day she resurrected the fake boy, it was all #13, and trying on the new story to string me/ others along. Quite interesting seeing her work it out in response to my frequent interjections of ‘bullshit.’

Another of the red flags was the use of ‘i love you.’ from the main character it came fast. but , it seemed right somehow. anytime a closing salutation of ‘love’ was used by the others it seemed waaay off. And on e of the other characters – perhaps the 2nd or 3rd phone conversation we had, closed with ‘i love you.’ and I knew they were one in the same – she didn’t mean to say that, she slipped up, after ending every conversation with me for months with that closing ‘line’ – she slipped up and used it while pretending to be another character.

I don’t know what those three little words meant to her – did she enjoy my companionship? we laughed all the time, and i mean all the time, so perhaps she did. if so, it was shallow – to the extent that she enjoys anything or forms any bonds. they sure hooked me. What the hell is wrong with us that saying something, and not showing it, proving it, will string us along? it really is quite spectacular. Just seeing those words typed out hooks me.

i have been wondering why the discard happened when it did, and the best thing i can come up with is, her needs changed, so she didn’t value the connection any longer.

When I first read this list, and the ones added to the list, my jaw hit the floor. I had quite a few hit a heart string of mine. The biggest lines he used on me were:

10. I have feelings too: I feel frustrated when your feelings get in my way.
Any time he did something to me it was as if I was suppose to just get over it. He would say to me “I said I was sorry, what more do you want from me?” Ummm…errr..how about a heartfelt sorry? How about sounding like you actually mean the words you say?!

Which then would tie in with #2:
2. I’m sorry, forgive me: I really do not enjoy the fact that your mood has altered. Please revert back to normal.
Yep, just snap out of it, I uttered the words I am suppose to, and now you are suppose to be fine.

And of course #1: 1. I love you: I am fond of your companionship and put you above most, but never above me. Consider it an honor.
He NEVER even acted as if my needs mattered, maybe when he was sucking me back in he would say all the right things, but as we all know that was short lived.

14. I want to work things out: I want to work things out for today.
Yep, as long as he snowed me for that day everything was fine. He would breath a sigh of relief that the battle was over-until the next one (typically the next day!).

And of course the grand finally lie:
1. I wouldn’t lie to you: I lie to you every time I say I wouldn’t lie to you. In my case there was hardly ever any truth anywhere to be seen.

Thanks for the translation. Interesting for sure if it comes straight from the horses mouth so to speak. The question being, are they really that self aware? Chilling for sure.

I remember once telling my XP about new technology being developed that could literally read minds, and his response was ” you might as well just shoot yourself, if that happens” – not a ringing endorsement of what goes on in his head.

Presently I am tormented by the fact that he is reeling in my kids, (adults) with lots of promises, and they want to believe of course, that his feelings for them are sincere, and while I believe he is a P-, they feel his P behavior is not present in their relationship, ie: he loves them. They know he lies, but still believe he cares for them like a normal (somewhat) father would.

I can’t bash that without coming across as
destructive of their relationship, and I cannot protect them any more than I have by being open about my conclusions as to what he is. Still I know he is dangerous, at least to their emotional well being and mental health, and I know he has an agenda.

The hyper vigilance of waiting for the other shoe to drop, of trying to beat him at his own game, of trying to anticipate where he will bite is really wearing.

I will print this article and save it for the day- which sadly I am sure will come, when they see. Or maybe he will manage to wear his good father mask to the grave, perhaps he will spare them. He is seventy after all. I read somewhere that sometimes they go soft with age, if they don’t self destruct first.

In any event, mine is still doing the power and control thing, big time. Holding all the strings, bending and tweaking everyones reality to suit his purposes. Amazing how smoothly and naturally they can speak the tongue of lies and deception, of half truths, and manipulation. It really is a language all it’s own.

Peace

Dear Anitasee,

Sometimes, I think that as they age (get toward the point in their life when they start to experience health problems or loss of physical or financial independence, they almost panic and try to recruit “care givers” from their children with promises of inheritance etc.

After my step father’s death (I had taken care of him along with hired caregivers, and with hospice, so that he lived and passed away in comfort and care in his own home) During that time my egg donor was also ill part of the time, and I cared for her as well. I am an only child. I literally put my life on hold and cared for or over saw their medical and personal care 24/7.

She made comments about “how sad it would be that Oxy wouldn’t have an Oxy to care for her (me) when she gets this old”

Egg donor kept on saying OVER AND OVER how alone I would be when I got old and needed care because I wouldn’t have any one…which a) I didn’t figure that P son would get out of prison and care for me when I got old, and 2) I sure knew that P-DIL (at that time) wouldn’t care for me when I got old and ill, but WHY was egg donor going on over and over with this declaration like she was SO SAD ABOUT IT??? I still don’t know to this day unless it was to make me feel insecure enough about my financial status to suck up to her more and be there more for her so I would inherit from her and could HIRE someone to take care of me.

She had a purpose in this but not sure what it was or if it was something she KNEW what her purpose was or if it was unconscious.

I don’t think EVERY psychopath is as AWARE consciously as these guys (on that site) are. I went to a psychopath support site once and it was so triggering I couldn’t stay there more than a couple of minutes. I literally don’t remember the name of it or the URL, as I deliberately “forgot” it.

I think some of them just run on rage and control and they use what they have used that worked in the past, they say the words that got their desired result before, the “I’m sorry,” but they can’t understand why it doesn’t work if you say it when you are speaking in a hateful tone of voice. LOL To them just saying the “magic word” “Im sorry” should be enough.

P-speak is not the same as English [or any other language] it is a language all of its own, devoid of the meanings we put to words that are connected to emotions.

As Robert Hare said, they learn the words to the songs but don’t know the MUSIC. They can’t learn the music of the emotions connected to words like love, caring, empathy, compassion, concern, regret, sorrow. They DO know the feelings of RAGE, ANGER, VENGENCE, and HATE though, so they are not totally without “emotions.”

When I was an emotional train-wreck (#4), the h-spath hit the door, getting a house to rent that was just around the corner. This list was interesting to read (P-speak, as Oxy brilliantly labeled their form of talk), helping to clarify in my mind what they are actually thinking, their actions speaking louder than their words (cluing you in to the fact that they don’t mean most of what they say).

Loved this post, the translations are oooh so true.

And Oxy (BTW last bf turned out to be a Borderline, thanks for your warning!) This was my first one with this personality disorder! Gee, are there any ‘normal’ men in the dating world?!

I totally agree with your statement, “they learn the words to the songs but don’t know the MUSIC. They can’t learn the music of the emotions connected to words like love, caring, empathy, compassion, concern, regret, sorrow. They DO know the feelings of RAGE, ANGER, VENGENCE, and HATE though, so they are not totally without “emotions.”

Dear Peggy,

Glad to see you back, darling! Sorry your BF turned out to be a BPD, really the PPDs and the BPDs are so alike (along with NPDs and other of the PDs) that they are kind of like ALL “ICE CREAM,” just DIFFERENT “FLAVORS”

In fact, I think many women who are diagnosed as BPDs are in fact really closer to PPDs than to BPDs but the thing is that I think also that professionals are reluctant to “label” anyone any kind of “personality disorder” or “Axis II” or “Cluster Bs” they are all pretty much alike in my OPINION, the symptoms overlap so much it is kind of like a mixture of flavors in varying degrees.

As far as “normal men” yea there are, but I think the many men in the older than 25 group (and/or previously married) etc. are highly suspect–LOTS OF REJECTS THERE—but the same with the women as well, it is just that there are a lot more DYSFUNCTIONAL people than JUST THE 1-4% THAT ARE DIAGNOSABLE PSYCHOPATHS! There are all the “high in P traits” folks from a score of 15-29 that are not “diagnosable” but sure are NOT functional. Now that we are more AWARE of the traits, we are more picky than we ever were before. We recognize the RED flags and are not so “forgiving” of those dysfunctional traits.

My statement about the words and music originally came from Dr. Bob Hare in his book “Without Conscience” and it is a great read if you haven’t read it. Lays it out pretty well about psychopaths, one of the all time great books about Ps.

The more we know the better off we are and the safer we are from being taken by ANY DYSFUNCTIONAL person.

KNOWLEDGE=POWER!!!

Again, the list has confirmed that I was married to an alien. Not that I did not know it, but it confirms it for the 100th time. My spath was the best actor there was, did his act for 20 years and my marriage crumbled in months after his mask fell. He was another person, another face, eyes, even his breathing was different. I will never be able to explain what I felt inside…I was with an alien, underneath his good looks and charm was the horrible alien creatures you see in movies. Ugly inside and out. I saw him two weeks ago in court and it was very difficult, I confirmed in my mind that I did not want the alien, but I longed for the body he invaded. The fake person….then I need to remind myself…oh yeah, that person was fake, an illusion. Its so hard. I get choked up when I think about it, but carry on. The list verifies that he is an alien, but would anyone other than our group believe it ? I am now dating, met a man who is quite interested in a relationship…nice guy. But I keep on looking at him, like his face will open up and and out comes the alien….I really need to trust to a certain extent. I will always look for flags. My kids are more than happy for me to date, and they are victims of the aliens discard, he dumped them from the spaceship after almost sucking the energy and soul out of them, I was there to pick them up and heal them. They are full of energy and love, but the alien left them with many doubts about humanity and committment. I will work with them in healing them, we have each other. So how do we get people who have not been with a spath to know that they are out there…..how do we get a list out to the young ladies or young men of the world who are starting to date, and who are so vunarable. Would it be possible ? Can we as victims, help others before they hurt more people, without rimorse and acountability ?

I need to read this list everytime I start doubting myself. He said the words but I never felt them…when he said ‘i love you’ it felt like I was being brainwashed..he never said it with passion or intimacy, he would say it at the oddest times, mostly when I was doing or going where and what he wanted to do.when he said ‘anything’ I didnt know if it was truth or fiction. I searched so deep for something real from him and I never felt it..I know what love feel’s like, his love was nothing like I have ever known..it was manipulation and control, it was so cold and empty but he kept saying it and i kept waiting to feel it..never did..it wasnt me that couldnt feel love..there was no love to feel…haunting

Dearest hens,
They only say”I love you” to keep you on the baited hook.Then all it neds is a tug, to reel you back in.
It means absolutely nothing. You are just a source of supply.
My older spath D. used to say” I love you heaps”, but only when I came up with the goods, ie, large wads of cash, food vouchers, things like fans, heaters, bedding,things she needed and could have afforded to buy herself if she didnt spend a ll her cash on ciggies,and travel and nights out.
The absolute MINUTE I gave my ultimatum, ie, and apology, I was “Unfriended” from her FB page, and scrubbed also from her kids FB pages.She has no real friends, they are all on facebook, she lives for it.Someone on LF said recently,”You are not a person to them, just a source of supply.The minute you cease to be of use to them, and they find a better sucker to leach onto, you are dropped”No more use than a used Kleenex!
Hope your feeling more cheerful today, hens, trust me after you eye op, you WILL see and feel so much better in every way!!
Is there any way you can bring the op. date forward?
Love and {{{HUGS ,}}} gem.XXX

one/joy_step_at_a_time

gem – hmmm, maybe she meant, ‘i love you heaps of steaming shit’. just a thought.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

hens,
when he said ’i love you’ it felt like I was being brainwashed….. his love was nothing like I have ever known..it was manipulation and control’

ouuu, good lines!

so, what is it about the manipulation and control that hooks us? it feeds something. what? or maybe it’s just because it’s manipulation and control that we are hooked.

‘brainwashed’ REALLY rings true for me. bingo bingo. bingo.

good list

#2. He never wants me to be angry with him, has a weird thing with smiling and wants you to smile at him. This is probably why he’s always cracking jokes.

#9. He has said “you think I’m a monster”. Translation, he knows there is something wrong with him and wonders if he is a monster. I never even alluded to him being a monster.

#11. The lying is pathalogical. If his lips are moving…well you know the rest.

Something that Oxy said resonated with me about her egg donor wanting her around just to care for her. This last go around with the spath he said he wouldn’t know who to call if his car broke down (now that I’m divorcing him), and that I’m so cute that he doesn’t want to let me go and it’s not fair. Translation=He wants to keep me around because of what I can offer him.

There is just sometimes that all this makes me so sad. I know that I am doing the right thing, but it is extremely difficult, like swimming against the tide.

Those stupid spaths, they suck the life right out of you.

One step,

What is it about us that we need to believe in the lies and manipulation? I look at my stronger friends and they have healthier relationships with their spouses. That is what we need to be, stronger and less malleable.

It comes from having a narc father. I put up with so much just to be loved. No more!!!!!

Survivor lady,

I like your comparison of a spath and an alien. I had been thinking that for some time. Mine also kept the mask on for close to 20 years. I saw signs but I was in too deep to interpret them.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

hopeforjoy – well, i have a f#$*&*$ narc father, too!

i am a strong character – but I am malleable. really freakin’ malleable. for (choke spit) love! and that’s lie #1

one_step, I had a bi-polar, self medicated (alcoholic) adopted mother. First strike- for me, adopted (abandoned at birth), second strike-adopted mother threatened to “give me back” all the time when I wasn’t the “perfect child”, third strike-when drunk would say “I wish I never got any of you kids, my life would be so much better”. This was all when I was little. VERY YOUNG. I can remember crying in my room praying that my bio mom would come rescue me.

I was thinking about my past relationships, I realized something pretty sad actually. My first “real boyfriend” growing up was normal, typical, loving, and I dumped him after a couple years. The next boyfriend (I ended up marrying very young) was a controlling alcoholic-yes I sought out those who were like my mother that I could never fix to try and “fix” them. I learned that through counseling and Al-non. That ex was put in prison last year for 50 years for Embezzlement. He was an attorney who stole millions from his clients over the years and got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I remember playing cards with friends one night, he was caught cheating. He replied “if you can get away with it, why not?”. After that marriage failed, I ended up living with another alcoholic who was very abusive. After that ended, I ended up dating around for a while (all the wrong types of course). Then I married another man who was a non-drinker but emotionally controlling and LAZY as hell! He asked me to marry him very quickly. I had money from a settlement, and he used it all up and then moved on-I divorced him. A few years after that divorce I met my ex-Spath–non drinker, very intelligent, funny (life of the party), sophisticated, older than me, had his act together (yeah right!). So I did end up staying away from alcoholics eventually, only to end up with THAT! WOW! And now many, many months into therapy and being here…I think I might be on my way-I hope!

Findingmyself,

You have had some journey! I don’t know why we gravitate to the wrong people. My first husband was a covert narcissist, couldn’t and wouldn’t grow up. He would come home drunk and my mother-in-law would come over and take care of him. Enable much?

Dad was a narcissist, still is I guess. Now current squeeze is a spath/narc. and the most dangerous of all of them because he is most charming.

I don’t even know what I would look for in a mate anymore because apparently, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing!

You are on your way to something much better, sometimes that means just being with you and finally loving yourself. Healthy and stable alone beats out being with the disordered anyday.

GREAT ARTICLE!! It is so true… what they say and what they mean are 2 different things. Who they portray and who they really are is 2 different people. That DARN mask!!!!! We all fall for it…. They wear it so well. It’s like Halloween everday to them. And we women thought we put on alot of makeup in the mornings!!! LOLOLOL
Survivorlady labeled it best… they are “aliens”!!!
Peace to all!

Finding you have endured alot. You are on the way!

Hopeforjoy,

Thank you! I guess it has been quite the journey. But I am still here and strong and getting stronger every day. Funny thing, after my ex alcoholic live in partner, I was on my own for a couple years with no dating. Trying to read books about relationships-although apparently not the right kind of books. I was in al-a-non for a couple years, just getting my strength back. When I had met my 2nd ex husband, I wasn’t looking for anyone. I was very content and happy on my own raising my children.
I have to admit, I fell more in love with his family than I did with him. My mistake! But he had the best parents in the world, I loved his sister, brother, and extended family. When we split up, they all said to me, “we knew he would screw this up.” Thanks for letting me know! Geeze!
But to this day, I am very close with his family. His mother and brother passed away in the past 2 years and I traveled to attend their funerals. I miss them both like crazy, they were such good people. I have to wonder what happened to him…

I think that we know what we want deep down inside. However, we gravitate towards those things that are “comfortable or familiar”. Meaning dysfunction. Kinda scary really.

When I finally realized that I was choosing men who were like my mother (alcoholics) I made sure to stay clear of drinkers. And I did…but then I chose the other familiar people who were controlling, and then major disordered. So now I have another lesson to learn. No more drinkers, controllers, or those with disorders. I don’t think I have many options out there-that takes away a lot of the population in my age bracket.

All I can say is “Wow”. My sociopath ticked every box on that cheat sheet. Seeing the list in writing makes it so much more obvious.

OMG, I relate to all the posts…what still mystifies me is how my vibrations attracted “blondie” into my life in the first place…I thought I was inoculated from sociopaths and this experience is a rude awakening…..

11. I wouldn’t lie to you: I lie to you every time I say I wouldn’t lie to you.

Haha! When his lips are moving and/or he is making any noise and/or gestures, *he is lying!*

I just came up with another one for the list.

You are the love of my life; you were the only one who I was able to manipulate, gaslight, project, and hoover for so long-don’t leave me now.

Ditto on all the posts and list here!

If it’s any comfort or validation to others….they use the same lines and lies with their current “victims”! I found out just how true this is since becoming good friends with one of the X’s ex-GF,,,, he used the same exact lines and lies on her too!!!!!!!! my favorite one being “have I told you lately that I love you” down to the punctuations. Sickening, to say the least.

Aeylah, hand held high on that one, “have I told you lately that I love you” – which probably translates; I have not said it in a while, I better throw that bone out there. Had that bone thrown every so often my way too–good one!

“I want to be kissing you like this when we are 80 years old” LOL

this is my first comment and I am fresh out and still processing the situation….. What do you think of this:

so when he said “I give up, You win” following our break up and my refusal to comply I think he actually might have meant that “I won” in that he could not ‘play’ with me anymore.

Thoughts?

BTW, he was every single one of the points above and I fell for all of them….. what a sucker

one/joy_step_at_a_time

glttermom – oh, there is definitely another possibility here; it depends on the inflection with which it was said. It could mean he sees everything as a competition (as they do) and he isn’t giving up and ‘letting’ you win.

Glad you found your way here. Welcome. It will get better; don’t doubt that.

Dear Glittermom,

Welcome to Love Fraud! Glad you are here, but sorry that you need to BE here.

Whatever he SAID is beside the point, the only way you know they are LYING is when their lips are moving. Look at his ACTIONS to see what he really MEANS.

Educate yourself about them and how to spot the red flags. There are 700 plus articles here in the archives, start with the what is a sociiopath one and move out from there, just reading the articles. KNOWLEDGE is POWER and that is what we have to do is to gain back our power, OUR POWER TO KEEP OURSELVES SAFE FROM THE PSYCHOPATHS.

Don’t beat yourself up for falling for his lies…we all have! Again, welcome and God bless.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

#16 I couldn’t tell the truth if it put someone at risk: but i will lie to.

Glittermom,

There could also be a double meaning of, I will let you win now so that later you miss me, feel sorry for me and come back to me when I’M READY to play with you again…then I WILL WIN!

and to Aeylah… I had a fantastic meeting with four victims who were in town and we had called three others and received emailed from one more. Amazing to hear of how he told all eight of us the same stories and same lies! And I do not mean just a few…. we listed over twenty different ‘scenarios’ from where he went to school, jobs, health problems, siblings, dead (non existant) wife and daughter….. names changed but stories did not. I guess that was how he was able to deliver the messages so convincingly- years of practice! I guess he did not have to remember the lies because he always used the same ones!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

glittermom – oh, i so hear you on this one!

‘I guess he did not have to remember the lies because he always used the same ones! ‘

Glittermom,

You know it girl! they are slime balls that use the same lines and made up history so that they can keep track of their lies!

I also found that if I said things to him like “actions speak louder than words”….he could so turn it all around agains me and confuse me by showing fake loving actions when in fact they were manipulations to get what he wanted.

Oxy, your line reminded me of another one I used to hear all the time….”I want to grow into our sunset years together”….probably meaning I only want to grow into todays sunset together…..this is another one he used on the ex-GF, now my friend as I found out.

2. I’m sorry, forgive me: I really do not enjoy the fact that your mood has altered. Please revert back to normal.

…the ex-S has of recently sent a variation of this one…
“I admit I was wrong…..I pray someday you foregive me”……..he’s never prayed a day in his life!

Saw him at a dance last Sunday back with one of the last women he cheated on me with …..I guess he’s telling her all the same lies all over again.

I am still just so MAD because I was really the textbook perfect target. UGH! And the worst part is I am really not even angry about it, just shocked and amazed! Everyday a thought will pop into my head of something he said and I feel the shock and amazement all over! I catch myself just shaking my head and staring off into space! Really? I let it go on for months and let my kids get sucked in too? Really?

Aeylah, LOL-I heard the same line, “I pray to G-d someday you can forgive me for all my transgressions. Like yours, he never prayed a day in his life, AND openly said he didn’t believe there was a G-d.

Dear Glittermom,

It is shocking and painful when you realize that you’ve been duped, used and abused. BUT don’t beat yourself up for this! This was not your fault, you were simply manipulated and blinded by the charm, lies and promises!

I’m sorry for your suffering and for the guilt you feel regarding your kids. I know how harmful these people can be to our family life. The ex-S in my life destroyed my relationship with one of my sons who was still a teenager living with me at the time.

FORGIVE YOURSELF……you didn’t know what you were dealing with…..AND THANK YOURSELF for finally getting out! Be kind to yourself and show the kids compassion. If they are old enough, explain certain things to them….I had to admitt to my son how naive I was and how sorry I was to have exposed him to such an evil person in our own home.

They are really so selfish and just out for supply and will say anything to get it. Of course, their actions never back up their words.
Mine would even say everyday..”I’m going to the gym today and I’m going to take a class, then do half an hour on the treadmill…etc..etc..” My sister would hear him on speakerphone and we would laugh so hard! He NEVER does what he says!!!! He’d call me and tell me he’s at home everyday..tired..and will go tomorrow. OMG!

My X would tell me “I wish I started my life with you”…anything to make me feel like he’s so in love with me!

He wrote me a letter when I dumped him the first time around. It said…”I feel so bad” (notice the “I”)…and “Please forgive me” and get this one….
“Its all your fault that I hurt and miss you. No woman ever loved me like YOU did”!!!

Imagine that, I was wrong for LOVING him!!! lol

Well, I went back three times and now I’m done. I wrote him a letter..nice one..but to the point…no emotions. It basically said that I lost my trust in him because of A- catching his lies…(listed) B- having profiles on dating sites…and C- that “no trust” no relationship…and that I was moving on.

I had to put closure to it finally. I never told him these things before…always got mad and ignored him. This time, I wrote it out clearly that I’ve lost my love and trust for him and that he wasn’t honest and fair to me from the start. No emotion. Just facts.

And, I’m moving on…I have lots of plans to take care of myself and be happy. I will never allow him to paralyze me again like I did last summer. This time I told him the truth and “got real”.

I feel better now…just drained. Naptime.

Thank God for Love Fraud is all I can say. I unexpectedly found myself in the midst of crying for the X sociopath. I have been n/c for 4 months now due to LF, couldn’t have done it without it.

I don’t cry for him anymore, but found myself unexpectedly pulling off the side of the road to cry. It hurt. I realized tho that the pain and tears weren’t the same as they initially were, so that was good to know, that I have done a good portion of grieving and letting go.

I miss him. And where he hit me the hardest was taking away my innocence about humanity and once believing and always looking for the good in everyone. Well, that was my last life. I am totally different now. I am changed forever now. I don’t know how I feel about that.

Here’s my favorite:

9. I’m not a monster, I’m a human too: I’m trying to seem human, give me a break. It’s not like this is particularly natural for me.

I have to remember when I get hit by a wave of missing him that he was and is a monster and is not human. It’s like he was born to the wrong planet. There should be a planet just for sociopaths. They aren’t welcome here.

The scary thing is that the prisons only house 15-25% of sociopaths.

Lucky us.

Dear Ifiinallygotthe lesson,

Glad you are moving on and healing, but your statistics are OFF, it isn’t that the prisons house 25% OF THEM, it is that 25% OF the prisoners ARE 30 points or above on the PCL-R, not even 5% of the psychopaths ARE in prison, don’t we WISH 25% of them were, but the other 75% of the prisoners score an AVERAGE of 22 points on the PCL-R scale, and “normal” is like 5, so these people, ALL of the prisoners are HIGH IN PSYCHOPATHIC TRAITS and you dont’ want to mess with ANYONE who has a criminal record.

Right now there are about 2 million people in jail/prison in US, and I’m not sure what the percentage of people on the outside have RECORDS but there are like 5-7 million on some kind of parole or probation the last I read so right there you’ve got a snot wad of bad guys and not every “bad guy” will qualify as a psychopath but that still doesn’t mean we want to have them for our very OWN PARTNER.

I’m sorry you feel badly that not everyone has some “good” down deep inside them, but you know, REALITY SUCKS sometimes, but better to RECOGNIZE REALITY and be safe than NOT recognize it and get hurt/burned again.

Just as we try to get it across to our kids when they are little that HOT and BURN are words they need to learn the meaning of we need to learn the meaning of PSYCHOPATH so that we don’t stick our hands into the fire again.

Don’t worry about the crying jags, that is just part of the healing too, and it is okay—shows you are moving on! (((hugs)))) and God bless.

I feel the same way. I was a mess last year over this guy.
This year its different. I am stronger and I handled it differently.
I wrote him my true feelings and facts mostly. I guess because I just didn’t want to be with him sexually anymore. I couldn’t. I fell out of love with him. So it ended better this time around for me. Maybe thats why I went back. I needed to figure out if I was really in love with him.

I may have cared about him, but I saw right through him from the start…just went into denial. I wanted a relationship in my life, so I created the illusion (with his help) that he reinforced with his lies.

Now I am on to bigger and better things. I feel better. It took me awhile to get over the disappointment, and shock, but coming from what he came from…(abandoned by his mom, etc), he just couldn’t do it. He is selfish and wants someone to cater to his needs. I don’t doubt that he wanted me to live with him, but I have teens and he didn’t want kids around.
He only wanted me for what I could give him. And when I denied him sex…he grew so angry and frustrated and desparate. Its over. And I feel peaceful about it.

It took me a long time and to go back with him 3 times and in between I worked on myself..physically and mentally. I am much stronger now and ready to move on.

So, be patient …you will find that peace. Posting here and the support is really key. I thank God for this board.

Wow Oxy…what statistics! My daughter came home today and said that this female teacher, who I don’t like either..from “hello”, who is really mean and nasty, ….”looks like a devil…looks like she’s wearing a mask” LOL!!!!
The woman is a phony and fools most of the parents..but not me or my daughter!!
Yes, they are out there. Its what makes the world go around…Opposites….good, evil…dark, light….physics…

I have one more to post.

I never meant to hurt you: I just got caught.

This one was used on me when I found my boyfriend on line posting naked pictures of himself taken in my home while I was taking care of him while he was out of work due to a work injury. To make matters worst – he said “you are only a girlfriend”. How low and cutting can that be? We were together for 1 1/2 years at the time. He said he had no $$ to help buy food – but he had $$$ for porno.

Czarinamom,

LOL ROTFLMAO that was a gooooood one!!! He didn’t “mean to hurt” you so that is why he PROTECTED YOU BY LYING so you wouldn’t be hurt!!! Gosh, WHAAAAAT A PRINCE!!!! How can you top that sacrifice for you! Gee, you just didn’t appreciate him! Look what you threw away! LOL CHOKE, SNORT, SNARF ROTFLMAO

2Bhappy, I had a prof in college (female) who I know now was a psychopath and I actually changed universities because I recognized that she was dangerous and was in a position to hurt me if she got angry at me and I had seen her do that to other students. I had so far (at that time) managed to BROWN NOSE her that she thought I was wonderful, but I knew I could NOT keep it up for another two years! She was one of the primary instructors in my course so there was no way around her if I had stayed at that University. Turned out to be for the best anyway, but looking back, she was the first NON-FAMILY member that I can in retrospect say was a psychopath and be pretty sure she would pass muster with the PCL-R score. She had been a psych nurse, MARRIED A PATIENT who had then later committed suicide, and she hated male students and persecuted them always with a smile on her face. I also saw her drive one poor female student NUTS with her gaslighting and believe me this woman was the QUEEN OF GASLIGHTING.

When you get in a position with one of them “over” you as a boss or professor or teacher it is difficult if you get on their “wrong side” for sure. I’ve never been good enough at BROWN NOSING for a long enough period to overcome them, so I change jobs or schools, it’s about all you can do.

Yes, Oxy, they are out there!! I no longer see the “good” in everyone. I hate to admit it, but I used to “feel sorry” for criminals! I always thought that they were abused or in pain, which is why they had rage to kill people.
That came from my own pain as a child. BUT…the big BUT…how come “I” did NOT become a killer and hurt people?

Now, I do NOT feel sorry for “evil” people. They are what they are.

This morning I woke up and heard..”It is what it is”. In other words, he is what he is, and I wasn’t happy with how he treated me, being what he is.

Thats what prompted me to write a very “factful” letter. I basically told him that I tried to TRUST him over and over and believe him, but that now the love is gone. I cannot love someone I do not trust. And that I am moving on.

Period the end. I listed the lies I caught him in, several that he admitted during our time together, and he even apologized for. Very matter of factly.

I didn’t get mushy or emotional. Just that I was moving on to find someone who really loves and cares for me and that I’m sure he will find a woman for him.

I feel so FREE that I finally got it out of my system and I am HAPPY….just want 2bhappy!!!!

Czar…He wrote me the same thing…over and over…
“I never meant to hurt you”…..”I’m not perfect”….”I try”…

Amazing, its almost like they are saying that they have no control over what their evil minds make them do!!! omg!

I like Rhianna’s song….”You’re just mad that you got caught”.

Well, I will NEVER stay with someone again, when I see the writing on the wall.

I stayed with him for his “friendship” because I was lonely.
He stayed with me for the sex and emotional support I gave him through all his [email protected] ups!! ( and he is ALWAYS in some trouble….drama at work..etc…)

No more…I have true friends…don’t need any fake ones.

Its up to us now, to make our lives better…to learn from the bad experience, and to get into a place where we feel good about ourselves and our self esteem is so high that we would never “settle” for less than someone treating us like GOLD!!!

Dear 2BHappy,

If sending him the letter brings you closure, TOWANDA for you!!! But don’t expect him to “get it” or to admit it or agree with it, because he is INCAPABLE of it!

They have NO shame, no real self awareness, the blame as far as they are concerned is ALL YOURS!

But each of us makes closure in our own way, but I would advise from here on out to not respond or argue with him if he responds to your letter. It is like “arguing with a fence post” because they aren’t going to get it! (((hugs)))

Send this to a friend