Perhaps the hardest thing for those of us targeted by sociopaths to grasp is the extent of their inhumanity.
Sociopaths have no empathy. They do not feel connections to other human beings. We are mere pawns in their games. They view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators, everyone else is prey.
We ask, “How can this be?”
We object, “He said he loved me!” (“She said she loved me!”)
We argue, “I said I was leaving and he cried! He begged me to stay! He said he couldn’t live without me!” (The female sociopath did too.)
Well, let’s take a look at what their words really mean. A Lovefraud reader visited Sociopathworld.com. “They had a discussion going on things they said but what they actually meant to them,” she wrote.
Here’s what our reader sent:
The Cheat-Sheet for What a Sociopath Really Means
1. I love you: I am fond of your companionship and put you above most, but never above me. Consider it an honor.
2. I’m sorry, forgive me: I really do not enjoy the fact that your mood has altered. Please revert back to normal.
3. I’d do anything for you: I’d do plenty to keep you right where I want you to be.
4. My condolences for your loss: *crickets* … It’s just a body. See you later when you aren’t being an emotional train-wreck.
5. S/he fills my heart with joy: I haven’t had this much fun playing in a long time, and the sex is more than acceptable.
6. I love my family: They’re mine.
7. That’s simply shocking: You’ve touched my morbid bone. No need to stop now…
8. Deep down, I feel I’m a good person: I’m not in prison and I stopped abusing animals, mostly. What more can you possibly demand of me?
9. I’m not a monster, I’m a human too: I’m trying to seem human, give me a break. It’s not like this is particularly natural for me.
10. I have feelings too: I feel frustrated when your feelings get in my way.
11. I wouldn’t lie to you: I lie to you every time I say I wouldn’t lie to you.
12. I understand/respect your feelings: I appreciate your feelings because I use them to manipulate you.
13. I never meant to hurt you: mission accomplished.
14. I want to work things out: I want to work things out for today.
15. I’ll always be there for you: I’ll try to as long as I need something from you
Remember this: Never evaluate the words or actions of a sociopath based on what you mean by your words and actions. For a sociopath, it’s all about manipulation.
This, will no doubt be a lively thread!
#10 caught my attention. I have been feeling my way through the dismissal and discard lately – looking at some of her actions and my feelings anew.
#2 – incisive. I only heard I’m sorry from the main character a couple of times – because ‘he’ never did anything he would have to be sorry about -‘cept the fake death. ‘His dying words to me , were ‘I’m sorry’, which was one of the red flags. I think it was, ‘I’m sorry the game is up….for now.’ The apologies from the other characters were long winded and convoluted and along the lines of, ‘I’m sorry if good people have to stand for themselves, and bad people, who pretend to be good are so hypocritical’. And then there were the non-apologies which used the word sorry a lot: ‘i will never be sorry, i fully believe x was honest with you about this or that, and if you don’t then i guess you weren’t all that and i am sorry that YOU are disrespecting his memory’. She didn’t like it when i called her game; raised her wrath through the roof.
“he’ was however, always saying what a sorry creature he was, eliciting frequent support and protestations from me and others. It was a solid con – all these hooked in people saying, ‘ouu, but your are so blahblahblah’; and her just reeling us in like catfish.
Last time i talked to her, the day she resurrected the fake boy, it was all #13, and trying on the new story to string me/ others along. Quite interesting seeing her work it out in response to my frequent interjections of ‘bullshit.’
Another of the red flags was the use of ‘i love you.’ from the main character it came fast. but , it seemed right somehow. anytime a closing salutation of ‘love’ was used by the others it seemed waaay off. And on e of the other characters – perhaps the 2nd or 3rd phone conversation we had, closed with ‘i love you.’ and I knew they were one in the same – she didn’t mean to say that, she slipped up, after ending every conversation with me for months with that closing ‘line’ – she slipped up and used it while pretending to be another character.
I don’t know what those three little words meant to her – did she enjoy my companionship? we laughed all the time, and i mean all the time, so perhaps she did. if so, it was shallow – to the extent that she enjoys anything or forms any bonds. they sure hooked me. What the hell is wrong with us that saying something, and not showing it, proving it, will string us along? it really is quite spectacular. Just seeing those words typed out hooks me.
i have been wondering why the discard happened when it did, and the best thing i can come up with is, her needs changed, so she didn’t value the connection any longer.
When I first read this list, and the ones added to the list, my jaw hit the floor. I had quite a few hit a heart string of mine. The biggest lines he used on me were:
10. I have feelings too: I feel frustrated when your feelings get in my way.
Any time he did something to me it was as if I was suppose to just get over it. He would say to me “I said I was sorry, what more do you want from me?” Ummm…errr..how about a heartfelt sorry? How about sounding like you actually mean the words you say?!
Which then would tie in with #2:
2. I’m sorry, forgive me: I really do not enjoy the fact that your mood has altered. Please revert back to normal.
Yep, just snap out of it, I uttered the words I am suppose to, and now you are suppose to be fine.
And of course #1: 1. I love you: I am fond of your companionship and put you above most, but never above me. Consider it an honor.
He NEVER even acted as if my needs mattered, maybe when he was sucking me back in he would say all the right things, but as we all know that was short lived.
14. I want to work things out: I want to work things out for today.
Yep, as long as he snowed me for that day everything was fine. He would breath a sigh of relief that the battle was over-until the next one (typically the next day!).
And of course the grand finally lie:
1. I wouldn’t lie to you: I lie to you every time I say I wouldn’t lie to you. In my case there was hardly ever any truth anywhere to be seen.
Thanks for the translation. Interesting for sure if it comes straight from the horses mouth so to speak. The question being, are they really that self aware? Chilling for sure.
I remember once telling my XP about new technology being developed that could literally read minds, and his response was ” you might as well just shoot yourself, if that happens” – not a ringing endorsement of what goes on in his head.
Presently I am tormented by the fact that he is reeling in my kids, (adults) with lots of promises, and they want to believe of course, that his feelings for them are sincere, and while I believe he is a P-, they feel his P behavior is not present in their relationship, ie: he loves them. They know he lies, but still believe he cares for them like a normal (somewhat) father would.
I can’t bash that without coming across as
destructive of their relationship, and I cannot protect them any more than I have by being open about my conclusions as to what he is. Still I know he is dangerous, at least to their emotional well being and mental health, and I know he has an agenda.
The hyper vigilance of waiting for the other shoe to drop, of trying to beat him at his own game, of trying to anticipate where he will bite is really wearing.
I will print this article and save it for the day- which sadly I am sure will come, when they see. Or maybe he will manage to wear his good father mask to the grave, perhaps he will spare them. He is seventy after all. I read somewhere that sometimes they go soft with age, if they don’t self destruct first.
In any event, mine is still doing the power and control thing, big time. Holding all the strings, bending and tweaking everyones reality to suit his purposes. Amazing how smoothly and naturally they can speak the tongue of lies and deception, of half truths, and manipulation. It really is a language all it’s own.
Peace
Dear Anitasee,
Sometimes, I think that as they age (get toward the point in their life when they start to experience health problems or loss of physical or financial independence, they almost panic and try to recruit “care givers” from their children with promises of inheritance etc.
After my step father’s death (I had taken care of him along with hired caregivers, and with hospice, so that he lived and passed away in comfort and care in his own home) During that time my egg donor was also ill part of the time, and I cared for her as well. I am an only child. I literally put my life on hold and cared for or over saw their medical and personal care 24/7.
She made comments about “how sad it would be that Oxy wouldn’t have an Oxy to care for her (me) when she gets this old”
Egg donor kept on saying OVER AND OVER how alone I would be when I got old and needed care because I wouldn’t have any one…which a) I didn’t figure that P son would get out of prison and care for me when I got old, and 2) I sure knew that P-DIL (at that time) wouldn’t care for me when I got old and ill, but WHY was egg donor going on over and over with this declaration like she was SO SAD ABOUT IT??? I still don’t know to this day unless it was to make me feel insecure enough about my financial status to suck up to her more and be there more for her so I would inherit from her and could HIRE someone to take care of me.
She had a purpose in this but not sure what it was or if it was something she KNEW what her purpose was or if it was unconscious.
I don’t think EVERY psychopath is as AWARE consciously as these guys (on that site) are. I went to a psychopath support site once and it was so triggering I couldn’t stay there more than a couple of minutes. I literally don’t remember the name of it or the URL, as I deliberately “forgot” it.
I think some of them just run on rage and control and they use what they have used that worked in the past, they say the words that got their desired result before, the “I’m sorry,” but they can’t understand why it doesn’t work if you say it when you are speaking in a hateful tone of voice. LOL To them just saying the “magic word” “Im sorry” should be enough.
P-speak is not the same as English [or any other language] it is a language all of its own, devoid of the meanings we put to words that are connected to emotions.
As Robert Hare said, they learn the words to the songs but don’t know the MUSIC. They can’t learn the music of the emotions connected to words like love, caring, empathy, compassion, concern, regret, sorrow. They DO know the feelings of RAGE, ANGER, VENGENCE, and HATE though, so they are not totally without “emotions.”
When I was an emotional train-wreck (#4), the h-spath hit the door, getting a house to rent that was just around the corner. This list was interesting to read (P-speak, as Oxy brilliantly labeled their form of talk), helping to clarify in my mind what they are actually thinking, their actions speaking louder than their words (cluing you in to the fact that they don’t mean most of what they say).
Loved this post, the translations are oooh so true.
And Oxy (BTW last bf turned out to be a Borderline, thanks for your warning!) This was my first one with this personality disorder! Gee, are there any ‘normal’ men in the dating world?!
I totally agree with your statement, “they learn the words to the songs but don’t know the MUSIC. They can’t learn the music of the emotions connected to words like love, caring, empathy, compassion, concern, regret, sorrow. They DO know the feelings of RAGE, ANGER, VENGENCE, and HATE though, so they are not totally without “emotions.”
Dear Peggy,
Glad to see you back, darling! Sorry your BF turned out to be a BPD, really the PPDs and the BPDs are so alike (along with NPDs and other of the PDs) that they are kind of like ALL “ICE CREAM,” just DIFFERENT “FLAVORS”
In fact, I think many women who are diagnosed as BPDs are in fact really closer to PPDs than to BPDs but the thing is that I think also that professionals are reluctant to “label” anyone any kind of “personality disorder” or “Axis II” or “Cluster Bs” they are all pretty much alike in my OPINION, the symptoms overlap so much it is kind of like a mixture of flavors in varying degrees.
As far as “normal men” yea there are, but I think the many men in the older than 25 group (and/or previously married) etc. are highly suspect–LOTS OF REJECTS THERE—but the same with the women as well, it is just that there are a lot more DYSFUNCTIONAL people than JUST THE 1-4% THAT ARE DIAGNOSABLE PSYCHOPATHS! There are all the “high in P traits” folks from a score of 15-29 that are not “diagnosable” but sure are NOT functional. Now that we are more AWARE of the traits, we are more picky than we ever were before. We recognize the RED flags and are not so “forgiving” of those dysfunctional traits.
My statement about the words and music originally came from Dr. Bob Hare in his book “Without Conscience” and it is a great read if you haven’t read it. Lays it out pretty well about psychopaths, one of the all time great books about Ps.
The more we know the better off we are and the safer we are from being taken by ANY DYSFUNCTIONAL person.
KNOWLEDGE=POWER!!!
Again, the list has confirmed that I was married to an alien. Not that I did not know it, but it confirms it for the 100th time. My spath was the best actor there was, did his act for 20 years and my marriage crumbled in months after his mask fell. He was another person, another face, eyes, even his breathing was different. I will never be able to explain what I felt inside…I was with an alien, underneath his good looks and charm was the horrible alien creatures you see in movies. Ugly inside and out. I saw him two weeks ago in court and it was very difficult, I confirmed in my mind that I did not want the alien, but I longed for the body he invaded. The fake person….then I need to remind myself…oh yeah, that person was fake, an illusion. Its so hard. I get choked up when I think about it, but carry on. The list verifies that he is an alien, but would anyone other than our group believe it ? I am now dating, met a man who is quite interested in a relationship…nice guy. But I keep on looking at him, like his face will open up and and out comes the alien….I really need to trust to a certain extent. I will always look for flags. My kids are more than happy for me to date, and they are victims of the aliens discard, he dumped them from the spaceship after almost sucking the energy and soul out of them, I was there to pick them up and heal them. They are full of energy and love, but the alien left them with many doubts about humanity and committment. I will work with them in healing them, we have each other. So how do we get people who have not been with a spath to know that they are out there…..how do we get a list out to the young ladies or young men of the world who are starting to date, and who are so vunarable. Would it be possible ? Can we as victims, help others before they hurt more people, without rimorse and acountability ?
I need to read this list everytime I start doubting myself. He said the words but I never felt them…when he said ‘i love you’ it felt like I was being brainwashed..he never said it with passion or intimacy, he would say it at the oddest times, mostly when I was doing or going where and what he wanted to do.when he said ‘anything’ I didnt know if it was truth or fiction. I searched so deep for something real from him and I never felt it..I know what love feel’s like, his love was nothing like I have ever known..it was manipulation and control, it was so cold and empty but he kept saying it and i kept waiting to feel it..never did..it wasnt me that couldnt feel love..there was no love to feel…haunting
Dearest hens,
They only say”I love you” to keep you on the baited hook.Then all it neds is a tug, to reel you back in.
It means absolutely nothing. You are just a source of supply.
My older spath D. used to say” I love you heaps”, but only when I came up with the goods, ie, large wads of cash, food vouchers, things like fans, heaters, bedding,things she needed and could have afforded to buy herself if she didnt spend a ll her cash on ciggies,and travel and nights out.
The absolute MINUTE I gave my ultimatum, ie, and apology, I was “Unfriended” from her FB page, and scrubbed also from her kids FB pages.She has no real friends, they are all on facebook, she lives for it.Someone on LF said recently,”You are not a person to them, just a source of supply.The minute you cease to be of use to them, and they find a better sucker to leach onto, you are dropped”No more use than a used Kleenex!
Hope your feeling more cheerful today, hens, trust me after you eye op, you WILL see and feel so much better in every way!!
Is there any way you can bring the op. date forward?
Love and {{{HUGS ,}}} gem.XXX