Perhaps the hardest thing for those of us targeted by sociopaths to grasp is the extent of their inhumanity.
Sociopaths have no empathy. They do not feel connections to other human beings. We are mere pawns in their games. They view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators, everyone else is prey.
We ask, “How can this be?”
We object, “He said he loved me!” (“She said she loved me!”)
We argue, “I said I was leaving and he cried! He begged me to stay! He said he couldn’t live without me!” (The female sociopath did too.)
Well, let’s take a look at what their words really mean. A Lovefraud reader visited Sociopathworld.com. “They had a discussion going on things they said but what they actually meant to them,” she wrote.
Here’s what our reader sent:
The Cheat-Sheet for What a Sociopath Really Means
1. I love you: I am fond of your companionship and put you above most, but never above me. Consider it an honor.
2. I’m sorry, forgive me: I really do not enjoy the fact that your mood has altered. Please revert back to normal.
3. I’d do anything for you: I’d do plenty to keep you right where I want you to be.
4. My condolences for your loss: *crickets* … It’s just a body. See you later when you aren’t being an emotional train-wreck.
5. S/he fills my heart with joy: I haven’t had this much fun playing in a long time, and the sex is more than acceptable.
6. I love my family: They’re mine.
7. That’s simply shocking: You’ve touched my morbid bone. No need to stop now…
8. Deep down, I feel I’m a good person: I’m not in prison and I stopped abusing animals, mostly. What more can you possibly demand of me?
9. I’m not a monster, I’m a human too: I’m trying to seem human, give me a break. It’s not like this is particularly natural for me.
10. I have feelings too: I feel frustrated when your feelings get in my way.
11. I wouldn’t lie to you: I lie to you every time I say I wouldn’t lie to you.
12. I understand/respect your feelings: I appreciate your feelings because I use them to manipulate you.
13. I never meant to hurt you: mission accomplished.
14. I want to work things out: I want to work things out for today.
15. I’ll always be there for you: I’ll try to as long as I need something from you
Remember this: Never evaluate the words or actions of a sociopath based on what you mean by your words and actions. For a sociopath, it’s all about manipulation.
Boo I am back ~! Kim I just bought Barbara Streisands book “My Passion for Design” she has been building her latest houses for the past 16 years, they are 3 cottages all with barn themes, I bet your place will look just as good as her’s when you get done with it. She even has chickens, can you believe that? Babs steppin in chicken chit? Speakin of chit EB you are right I went out wading in the slum’s and stepped in some AGAIN.. I am getting to the point I laugh at myself, what is left? I wanted that perfect cozy little life with a special dood and I picked up a turd out of a ditch ‘literally’..oh well look under rocks for love and you get slimey booger’s..
Onesteppers – What are we going to do with you? I am gonna call ATT and see if I can get old accounts deleted, they have always said ok but I am still able to sign in to them at anytime. WTF? Sorry you are so tired and stressed. Despite all my belly aching and drama my life is really going well LMAO…Gem you crack me up – you have a great sense of humor when you aint pissed off…
xxx
Hi! It’s been a while and I’ve been reading off and on continuing to educate myself and overall doing so much better. I want to just get some advice. I have learned something through this process and that I did have a part in some of how I ended up with the ex s I did. I’ve been working really hard to change those things, become smarter, stronger. I have realized how much I need to act smartly..think things through, not act from an emotional standpoint. I made some stupid mistakes the past five years after divorcing my ex s. Some of what I did was just my fault. I reacted before he even did anything! He had me so brainwashed and so low and without self esteem that he didn’t even need to do anything…I was so paranoid. I could just kick myself. Well…I am doing things differently now. I am getting ready to move a few hours away from the city…to a really great town that I love, a small town where my really awesome son lives. I found a house to live in and a really great place to set up my practice and I want to really have a chance to move on and move past this. Believe me, tho, I know that making a geographic change isn’t going to save me. This is a move I have wanted to make for several years and I am now able to. I am really afraid that I’m going to take this nightmare with me. My plan is to keep calm and quiet. Not to continually talk about my experiences these last years with my ex s and that no one needs to know what is going on with my life in that sense. Not that I want to hide or pretend but my pain is just that. Mine. I don’t need to burden a bunch of new friends with it and scare them off! I made a huge mistake here doing that. I thought my ex s was calling everyone, calling my work, my friends (and I wasn’t paranoid because he HAD done that and had been sabotoging me..called my a guy I was dating, called my graduate school, called my work) but it was an example of me trying to do a pre-emptive strike IN CASE he called a co worker or employer and I hurt myself by it. They probably thought I was crazy and I was actually. I was so afraid and going through all of what we go through with these people alone. I’ll get back to my question about this in a minute…the second thing is I have been no contact for 6 months. I have written only to his now 3rd wife who has softened towards me. They ahve been married 5 years and I hope she is seeing some of it. she is my potential and future ally. She is pg with their 3rd child. My gosh. I was the uterus for his family and couldn’t produce. I wonder sometimes if he is trying to keep her preggers. She sounded exhausted and bummed out about the pregnancy when she talked to me. He would always beg me to not leave him when I finally said I’d had enough. He couldn’t handle the “rejection”. His first wife left him. He lied about us and talked about us to everyone.
We adopted a little girl from china. Some of you know this and he ended up getting custody being a physician in a small town, good ol boys type of club and lying about me. He smeared me and I was so shocked to see that they believed him. I had proof of his issues: porn addiction, rage, hating women, etc and no one believed me. he ahd done iffy things to my daughter and I told the courts. Our judge hates me. She loves him. He comes across calm and together, good looking. I always thought he was the most calm and wonderful guy full of integrity. Not. He is a liar, a fake, a mess. He would always talk of his dark side, insisting I had one. after my mother died in Feb my brother got involved iwth my x. My brother is definitely a sociopath. I have not had contact iwth my brother for 10 years. Well, they had a hey day going after me. I am the professional, have a job, and yet my brother who is a meth addict, hasn’t worked in 20 years, lives off some woman was believed over me! Long story but as you can imagine I was devastated in that my brother took over my father’s care after my mom died and my parents had begged me to get my brother out of their lives. A case of me being a woman, an outsider living in a different state and since my ex got involved, who is a physician, they all believed him again. Imagine my pain, my fears. I am so sick of being sabotoged and after finding LF and going no contact things started to get better for me emotionally. (more to this story but you get the gist). The final blow was my ex took me to court to say I was “unstable” after my mom died and the judge is making me do a supervised visits with my daughter! It is a joke. This is such a horrible story and it is a lie. I don’t want to go into it all to explain it since it would take hours but I do NOT deserve this. My ex has stonewalled me and I haven’t seen my daughter in 8 months. Well, I finally have an appt to go and see her at the end of the month. And, get this, my ex said I can only see her one time a month! For one hour. Since I have gone no contact he hasn’t been able to get to me. He tried to email me through my website acting like a potential patient but by the way he wrote (and even tho he is a physician he does some weird grammar things) I knew it was him. He asked questions that my patients don’t usually ask in emails and he was trying to get info about where I was living, where my office was, how much I made. I pretended I didn’t know it was him. But, by saying I can only see my daughter once a month is his way of messing with me again. I have to drive 3 hours one way to see her. He could easily let me see her every weekend for one hour or even every other but he is not concerned about my daughters needs. This is about him getting back at me for leaving him. He said “NO one leaves me and gets away with it” and that is whay he said to his first wife, too, altho he doesnt’ bother her any more..he’s only focused on me now.
Obviously I am upset but I wont’ show it and I will of course be completely professional when i talk to the therapist before I see h er. the therapist will supervise. This is temporary but I don’t know for h ow long. It’s ludicrious, tho.
So besides that new hit, I just want to move to this town and make a new life. I am so afraid he is going to try to hurt me. he can easily call people in the small town and say he is a physician and slam me, slander me, say I am this or that, or unfit, or ill or whatever he says. What do i do if anything? Do I just stay calm, start my practice and pretend he doesn’t exist? Do i do some kind of pre-emptive thing out of paranoia? which seemed to sandbag me before when I tried that. It is like he has treated me as though I am the sickest person in the world which is a projection because he knows he is very sick. He said it to me.
What is your advice? I am really good at what I do for a living. I know I can be helpful and i have a passion for doing what I do. I want to be given a chance to do it without him interferring. People that don’t understand this just say “go and do your work and pretend he doesn’t exist”. I wish it were that easy. He did get me fired from my job after my mom died. I had just gotten a bigger office and a great evaluation and after a series of events and proof he called they fired me. (its a no cause state). it was obviously devastating.
I was reading about PTSD and the five years post divorce, my mom’s death, my sons’ fiances death in a car accident, my dad’s illness, my loss of custody….I am some days a wreck. I felt today like I was just separating from myself. Almost a dissociation-kind of. that is drastic because I am not. but I have had a lot of stress for a very long time and I’m exhausted and defeated. Despite the positives I have been doing it still gets to me.
So, how should I handle things? I’d love feedback, advice on the move, etc
Thank you so much.
Chinagirl, are you going to your own therapist? Lovefraud has been my validation for the past 2 years (although i haven’t posted too much), but finding a behavioral clinic associated with a good hospital in a small town has helped me tremendously. One of the therapists there identified my ex as a spath hole, and I did the research from there. That’s why i am at Lovefraud.
I have recently posted that because of the PTSD I have contacted the Dept. of Mental Health in my State. You may to contact the Dept. of Health in yours….every State is different, i believe.
Tell them what you are going through. It is a long process (2 months, but it seemed a long time to me), but it may be something you need to do. I could no longer fool myself that I could handle the fear on my own. I had my first in home session with a specialist therapist today. It went very well. She was aware of what a sociopath was capable of.
(((HUGS)))
Wow Chinagirl!
I am glad you are here,and that you wrote some of your story down for us.
It sounds like an incredibly overwhelming and difficult time for you,and I just want to assure you that you are not alone.
This Is the right place for you,and I for one,know what you are going through.
We are from all different walks of life here,with ONE common denominator,
and THAT is being involved with,and/or terrorized by a spath.
It Is devastating,and hearing your story,makes me angry for you.
I do not have a child with my ex-spath,but there are plenty of people on here who have gone through(and are Still going through) the whole custody battle,etc.
I recommend contacting some of these women(and/or men),who will suggest to you ways that they dealt with it.
I am sorry that you are hurting,and will tell you,that in my case,I have made a “geographical change”,and am absolutely LOVING my new city!!
It has made a huge difference in my day to day perspective about things..
And although,there is little we can do as far as,”damage control” for their “smear campaign”,it has helped me immensely both spiritually,and emotionally to have a new world(city) to explore.
It feels very right for me,and I feel it has been a great decision for me.
I am happy here,and looking forward to what the future brings.
So,I am not telling you what to do,but I am telling you that in my case,the past month in my new city has been wonderful,and I’m sooo glad I took the leap..
It does feel empowering to know I am taking measures to take care of me..
Also,volunteering has been a great feeling.
I volunteer once a week,and am looking into other such programs in my new town.I can be helpful and there is always someone out there who could use my help.
It makes me feel good.
There are plenty of programs for elderly,for children,and almost anything that you might have interest in being involved with.
People can always use your help,and whats more,remind you that you are NEEDED and that there are so many ways to stay involved in life,while healing from the spath..
For me,THAT is important..
For one thing,it helps me take the focus off of me.(or the B**thole)
Each time I reach out to help someone else,I realize the possibilities
and feel the gifts of what I can contribute.
There are still many things that only seeing a therapist will help.
(particularly if you are suffering from PTSD),so even if you move stay in therapy until you are feeling stronger.
Then there is this site…
Obviuosly,you have found a familiar place to come and be a part of.
It is true,that the majority of society would judge,misunderstand,or even worse,disbelieve your story..
Here,people know that what you say is true,and we can relate and share ways in which we have overcome certain experiences.
Glad you came here,and posted.
I am sure you will not be long without some replies from other women who have to share custody with their ex-spaths..
Hopefully,you will find some answers and the relief that you need..
Peace
Truelove
jazzy – no way to ‘prove’ it’s her. and against the law isn’t a big deterrent.
it’s been a bad day.
Thanks true love and jazzy,
I have posted here before…and was on quite a bit when i first found lf but have been busy and working on changing some things and putting to use what I’ve learned from here.
I haven’t worked with anyone about the ptsd. even though I am in a “big” city I have talked to a lot of therapists who have NO IDEA what I’m dealing with. I am a nurse practitioner and also a therapist so I have a lot of friends in the mental health world. But seriously, even my friends who have worked with me in DV (domestic violence) have NO IDEA what a sociopath is truly like. I really didn’t either until I realized I had divorced one. I couldn’t figure out why after the divorce my life was a worse hell. Now I know! I was so shocked to see the things he has been and is doing.
I am looking forward to my move and my prayers are that he does not try to smear me in my new town. I just want some peace. I work a lot and have a vision for what I want there. I also want to work with high school kids and bring to the schools or even in a group type thing messages of how they can learn to take really good care of themselves. What healthy relatinoships look like, what DV is all about and how to set boundaries with people. Its sad that in high school no one is taught about these very important issues and espcially with the rising incidence of domestic violence. I am amazed at how many women don’t know how to set boundaries and are afraid to..afraid that the guy will leave or afraid of what ever else they might do. I know, I did the same things. It took me years to learn to take care of myself. Now sometimes I still think I am a bitch for standing up for myself but that is just society and some of the male power struggle of not wanting women to have a voice. Not all males, I am not a man hater at all and I do believe my part in it was that I allowed men to walk over me. But that is why I want to help young kids learn about this stuff.
I have been doing better since coming to LF but recently I’ve been having some self doubts again and fears and as I said, I just want my life back. Not in the same way because I want to be stronger. But I want my power back. I am unsure of how to present strength to my ex. he has so much money and has come to believe that he has the power becuase everyone has believed him and sided with him. I hope his wife will finally see the real him. this guy doesn’t believe the rules apply to him. He is very sick. and even says he has no compassion or empathy for women. That isn’t a red flag for someone? Of course he denies he said that now.
My real concern is for my goregous 9 year old girl who has been ripped from me in so many ways and I did nothing to put her in any kind of danger. Not one damn thing. I am a safety concsious freak. My ex s used to get mad at me for making a big deal that meds got locked up, or that he left a syringe of the flu shot on her playroom floor when she was 2! (he told me big deal, what’s the worst that can happen, she gets a flu shot. ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU ARE A DR?), he’d leave the gas on the stove and practically kill us with CO. Over and over he’d do these kinds of things and I am unsafe?
When and how someone in power will believe me will be a miracle. This is a very sick guy who i wouldn’t let operate on me, or my cat. especially not my cat! LOL
OMG China!!!!!
You have endured so much. I am screaming (not at you) TURN THIS LICESNED SPATH INTO THE AUTHORITIES. THE STATE WOULD YANK HIS LICENSE IN A MINUTE!!!!! THIS IDIOT COULD BE IN CHARGE OF MY HEALTH???? OH HELL NO!!!!!! With your education and experience you have knowldege about ethics etc… JUST DO IT!!!
Sisters and Brothers,
I’m not sure where to post this comment… but i am busting to share this thought!
I feel like I am no longer a “victim” of domestic violence, I am now a “survivor” of domestic violence!
for what it’s worth… there it is!
soimnotthecrazee1!!!!
Dear Chinagirl
I’m new to LF but old to the game, sadly.
Although I totally agree with Trueloveislove about the benefits of volunteering (especially as you are already the “Nursey” type and it would be right up your alley), you need to get yourself right first of all – and if you have not had proper treatment for PTSD, then it would be a bad idea (in my opinion) to do anything like that just yet.
PTSD: I’m in my second round of it. First time, 15 years ago, a 6-month marriage from hell where I was destined to be the wife/mother/white-picket-fence cover-story. Unfortunately for him, when things did not add up I went detecting and blew his cover (and my poor little mind and heart at the time) sky-high. He neglected to mention that he was a porno-loving (boy – that’s a common thread, isn’t it?), drug-supplying, orgy-attending bisexual. Why marry an innocent, straight, opposed-to-drugs, one-man gal? Because we are the least suspicious, the most trusting and the best front to hide behind – everything is about maintaining an image with them; a nice, smooth image makes for nice smooth manipulations and transactions for them.
I fell pg on the honeymoon, miscarried at 7 weeks, discovered I had endometriosis and was told I would likely not conceive again (so – no babies for me). Then I caught him with a “friend” of ours (while I was in hospital, they were also “laid up” – just not quite in the same way that I was). I also was undergoing tests for unexplained rectal bleeding. Tests all came back negative for any problems in that area, yet I hurt and I bled. Turned out I was being drugged and that somewhere out there in cyber-space, I might actually be an unconscious porn-star myself. I comfort myself (these days) with the fact that I was young (29) and pretty and had a decent body…..I can say that now but for years the thought of it made me literally vomit. The videotapes of “football matches” that sat in full view in our loungeroom cabinet were NOT football matches either…(the things that you don’t think to check until way later; besides, I hate football with a passion!) He anally raped me as a “goodbye” present 2 days before he finally left, hoping that I would top myself which would have cleared the way for him to come back and say to everyone, “See – I told you she was crazy!?!” He cleaned out the bank account (all of our savings), stole a lot of my things that I owned before ever we met (then, for years afterwards, I would think – “now where is that ….?”and it would be gone and I would remember….) and left me with bills to pay and no way of doing so. I literally came home one evening to a dark house (no lights on), all the blinds and curtains open, all the drawers and cupboard doors open and everything gone – a bit like a burglary, only he had done it at his own house, to his own wife.
End result – PTSD. Dissociation from my body, sounds were weird and muffled, I didn’t get thirsty or hungry, the world did not feel real and although I didn’t want to kill myself, I did not want to be alive anymore either, the pain was just too big and heavy, it was squashing the breath out of me. Off-work for 3 months, resigned from a job I loved and was force-fed by friends until I was strong enough to move on.
That time, a geographical move was the best thing I did – 100kms (an hour’s drive) away from our home. By then he had fled interstate, but I stayed gone too. Apart from a couple of nasty letters and telephone calls to my new home and my new workplace – all of which I ignored – he never came near me again. Now I’m not sure whether he meets the spath criteria. I’ve never tried to analyse it because I’ve had other things go down since then and I have mostly blocked that experience from my mind and my life. I almost died from the pain of losing the baby (and my dreams of motherhood) and then from the pain and the abuse he dished out and I swore, “never again” – famous last words…
I would say that it took me fully 3 years to stop having the weekly (sometimes daily) panic attacks but the anxiety disorder stayed and still flares up when I’m very stressed or under duress. You need a damn good psychologist who can teach you to use breathing techniques and EFT (Emotional Feel Therapy). You will feel and look like a first-class twit doing it, but it actually DOES work. You learn to reverse your own panic and reduce the stress levels. With PTSD (and other anxiety disorders), our normal “flight or fight” response gets skewed. Instead of switching on when needed, so that we can run away or stand and fight and then turn it off afterward, it switches itself on, floods our bodies with massive amounts of adrenaline and won’t switch off. Your body keeps screaming “DANGER!” at your brain and if you are really unlucky (and this is the most common outcome) your brain begins to believe that there really is danger – and so the cycle begins. Body feeds the brain feeds the body feeds the brain….(treadmill) It’s a normal physiological response that goes horribly wrong. Adrenaline rushing continually drains you of cortisol, which messes up your mood control, your hormones, your ability to sleep or relax and to think clearly. All manner of illness derives from this situation (including breast tumours!). You need to reverse the body stuff by slowing down your breathing using techniques that a good psych can teach you. Good breathing = slower heart rate = sweat reduction + blood flow returns to head and stomach (stops the nausea and cramping and the dizziness and the chest pains and palpitations) = body is tricked in “standing down”, coming back from high-alert status. When your body is calm, your mind/brain becomes calm and you can think better.
You might also need some meds for a year or so until you are on top of it. It still comes and gets me every now and again, but I’m better at reversing it than I used to be. It no longer cripples me. The nightmares are way less frequent too. PTSD can NOT go untreated, so you really must get to a good doctor.
NONE OF ANY OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!! Whatever you have done by way of pre-emptive striking was done out of intense fear, under duress and for self-preservation. If it didn’t work, then it didn’t work. Cut loose the people who reacted badly and let you down – they are concrete blocks around your neck. If you want to be nice about it, be pleased for them that they have NO IDEA what you are going through because it means that nobody has ever done this to them. Graciously hope that they never do – then cut them loose and don’t look back.
Second time – now. Diagnosed with PTSD December 2009 (so, 11 months back) but have likely had it at least 3 years. A gift from ex-h spath (2000 – 2007, but has stalked me ever since).
Moved towns again. Again, best thing I ever did – despite the fact that he follows me and has come to my home and continues to harrass in various ways. At least I don’t spend every day thinking he’ll be at the shops or the library or the doctors’ surgery. It’s bearable; I’m vigilant but not paranoid. I have a Violence Restraining order against him and my local police do a great job of looking out for me.
Suggestion – once you have been to a doctor for PTSD and seen a psychologist for treatment, have them both write you letters confirming the diagnosis and the treatment. Then go to your local police/courthouse/however-you-do-things-over-there (because I’m in Australia) and apply for a restraining or protective order against him. Once you get that, if you are really worried about him affecting your business, frame a copy and hang it on the wall of your new practice. You don’t have to talk about it unless you want to, but it will be there as a symbol of your new life and the stand you are taking against him.
Calm and quiet is good – just don’t count on it. It’s what I planned too, but 3 years later, I am still trawling through court processes initiated by him which forces unwanted contact. Something to be ridden out – he will eventually run out of things to go to court about. (She hopes….)
You have done what you can for wife 3. The rest is up to her – don’t hook into it anymore, or he will have another thing to twist and use against you. She will come when she is ready. Your priority is re-settling yourself and getting well again. First things first.
About your little one – my heart weeps for you. I lost a little boy who was mine for 4 years (borrowed, my former step-son). I haven’t seen him since and it still hurts. See her when you can. Play along for the time being. It is so important for her to know that you love her and want to be with her. Make a good impression on the supervisor, so that they will support your application for more contact time. When you are well you will fight for her again. When you are strong enough. In the meantime, do you have a Social services hotline you could notify of suspected abuse? That’s what I did, so that there is an open case file. Every little bit adds up.
My brother, also into drugs, is still friendly with my ex. It guts me. I have always helped him whenever he has needed something, so it’s a real slap in the face. You need to go no-contact with him too. I’m about to with mine.
In conclusion (because my goodness gracious me, I’ve written an awful lot!) I can only repeat – THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! You have been dealing with intense fear, duress and self-preservation. Give yourself a break, okay? xxx