Perhaps the hardest thing for those of us targeted by sociopaths to grasp is the extent of their inhumanity.
Sociopaths have no empathy. They do not feel connections to other human beings. We are mere pawns in their games. They view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators, everyone else is prey.
We ask, “How can this be?”
We object, “He said he loved me!” (“She said she loved me!”)
We argue, “I said I was leaving and he cried! He begged me to stay! He said he couldn’t live without me!” (The female sociopath did too.)
Well, let’s take a look at what their words really mean. A Lovefraud reader visited Sociopathworld.com. “They had a discussion going on things they said but what they actually meant to them,” she wrote.
Here’s what our reader sent:
The Cheat-Sheet for What a Sociopath Really Means
1. I love you: I am fond of your companionship and put you above most, but never above me. Consider it an honor.
2. I’m sorry, forgive me: I really do not enjoy the fact that your mood has altered. Please revert back to normal.
3. I’d do anything for you: I’d do plenty to keep you right where I want you to be.
4. My condolences for your loss: *crickets* … It’s just a body. See you later when you aren’t being an emotional train-wreck.
5. S/he fills my heart with joy: I haven’t had this much fun playing in a long time, and the sex is more than acceptable.
6. I love my family: They’re mine.
7. That’s simply shocking: You’ve touched my morbid bone. No need to stop now…
8. Deep down, I feel I’m a good person: I’m not in prison and I stopped abusing animals, mostly. What more can you possibly demand of me?
9. I’m not a monster, I’m a human too: I’m trying to seem human, give me a break. It’s not like this is particularly natural for me.
10. I have feelings too: I feel frustrated when your feelings get in my way.
11. I wouldn’t lie to you: I lie to you every time I say I wouldn’t lie to you.
12. I understand/respect your feelings: I appreciate your feelings because I use them to manipulate you.
13. I never meant to hurt you: mission accomplished.
14. I want to work things out: I want to work things out for today.
15. I’ll always be there for you: I’ll try to as long as I need something from you
Remember this: Never evaluate the words or actions of a sociopath based on what you mean by your words and actions. For a sociopath, it’s all about manipulation.
Twas the week before Thanksgiving and all through LoveFraud,
we are all growing strong and mowing down the sod.
EB is gun shopping, armed and ready to blow, when currently what’s needed is to get ready for snow.
There’s Oxy planning her attack on the spath to keep him in prison, as she shops for canned peas and new potatoes to serve in the season.
And Hens is raking leaves out of the gutters so high, dancing out in the moonlight, asking himself— why do I bother……OH MY!
There are always problems to solve and trash to dump —we must carry on through life, trying to smile and get over the humps.
Onestep is on alert, for the next attack from the spath, plotting and planning, and it’s breaking her back.
Our Polyannanomore is off and running and not looking back.
Tobehappy came here in great despair, came and went, the yo-yo effect”.then she gained strength and self worth and realized his snare.
Then there is Kimmie setting up a cottage and making a fresh start, shopping for braided rugs and one day, beautiful art.
Ifinallygotthelesson mourned her innocence lost, at the hands of a spath and boy she got cross.
Romanticfool nixed the soulmate discussion, she is no fool….as she jumps into life……ready for anything, not accepting spaths drool. TrueLove is cleaning house of her fair weathered friends, while Aussiegirl is offering wonderful support as she’s working on her health mend.
Health issues abound, BehindBlueeyes takes care of himself, he realizes he must come first…..he’s no longer taking the chances.
Frank Lee is abreast of what’s going on abroad……he’s keeping a lookout for the round the world frauds.
Blueskies is over in Jolly old England, as she works to deter any spath poisoned seasons.
Some of us internet date, some of us slumber, some of us hibernate and some of us wonder…….was it me, was it them, how did I get here, when will I mend……we must give it time, we must walk through darkness to get out the other end.
Look at Bulletproof, love her name indeed……she’s out gaining strength and picking up speed.
There is no worry when Wini’s around, she’ll pray for us all, that the good lord will keep us all safe and sound.
Findingmyself is well on her way, avoiding the pitfalls of the spathy alcoholic scheme—oh God, the destruction they cause…..Sociopaths are just mean!
Jazzy enlightens my senses with her perky advice, As czarinamom realized pornography is only just one of a spath’s addictive vice.
We all have a path in life, please don’t forget…….through hardships and trials we can never let……let those spaths get the better of us, stand up and fight.
Backspath and countercontrol them….and make that your plight! Empower yourselves let your friends at LoveFruad help, let us be there to guide and support you, and keep you out of the kelp.
Blujay is flying high with all that she has learned making ’pleasanter’ memories for herself, it’s a due she has well earned.
Gypsidi has just escaped from her abusive tropical home”in search of humanity and determined not to become reclusive.
Aloha has traveled down the journey of life, now she’s stronger and wiser and helping others through strife.
We learn from each other, we each have a story to tell, don’t ever let a sociopath silence you and escape your hell.
We’ve got Chinagirl making good decisions for herself, and finding her way, and our beloved Rosa who recently, hasn’t had anything to say.
I miss the music and the moon talks, but I understand life evolves—we will all graduate from LF one day with the same resolve.
Chic, as sweet as she is, needs to get out and feel lifes fizz.
The breeze, the ocean, city traffic and the mountains too—we all need the same effervescence”.YES I’m talking to you!
When StillHaveMySoul is missing her spath, she comes here for support and we send her Brad Pitt for a kick in the ass.
We are such a caring bunch, all looking out for each other”..we often say it’s not your fault, in hopes our words can take away the druthers.
Whyme is gaining strength as she finds her independence, and Cat is going to show her landlord and spath that she will go the length.
Mamma Gem across the pond not waiting around, she’s got flowers in the garden and no frost on her ground.
Newlife is working feverishly to ensure the court hearing won’t be a poop……
As Aeyela’s over yonder, deciphering spathspeak and not taking the dupe.
Hopeforjoy has kicked her spath to the curb; her life will improve, as he was a real turd.
DancingWarrior is fighting the fight”.. documenting, documenting, documenting -protecting her daughter and herself, she’s embarked on the plight.
We must learn the ropes at the school of hard knocks, we can all share our journey to empower each other—this is just one of the examples of how LoveFraud rocks!
Witsend, OMG…. her aweful story is no different -she’s got a son who is off roaming yet still her dependant.
Survivorlady is off in the dating world, suspicious, all men being aliens-BOY that will get old.
We will learn to trust again, the gut doesn’t lie—we need to love ourselves first and keep our hearts open, and then we can fly”..and that’s what I’m hoping.
Donnas writing books and doing interviews, setting examples and kicken ass, as she exposes James Montgomery ……it’s really big news.
JHL’s taken names……getting spaths exposed for their wicked big games.
Victim1 is working with others and doing the same.
SoImNotCrazy’s name is too long, but I think its just fine, it keeps her strong and her emotions in line.
My hat is off to the survivors of Lf, we can all be empowered by each other, pull up our boxer briefs and take the gloves off.
Lay under that rock, and get nice and toasty…..waiting for the right time to strike. Armed up, documentation in hand….photographs, video, bank records, surveilance, affidavits, police reports, subpoenas and such, teaching that sociopath you are no longer his crutch!
Dani is finding out what her life offers next, and Delta is rocking out, guiding children and avoiding the hex, as Stargazer is down in Costa Rica enjoying all of the sex!
Silvermoon is as wise as ever, with her words of wisdom to us all, as Matt is off with a new man in his life, healed up nicely and having a ball.
Whether we’re Aussie or British, a New Yorker or Belizian, from China or Mexico the Sociopaths come a ringen…….we realize as different as we are, we have one thing in common we must all set the trap for a hard and fast countercontrolled springen.
KathyHawks inspiration will always remind……to keep our heads high and don’t look behind.
Skylar works hard to keep abreast of the game….. there is benefit in her research, as we have all discovered, spaths act the same.
Redwald’s insights are clear and concise, offering change in the world with a little bit of spice.
Cybil stands strong and owns survivor status, she has found her adamant and nothing else matters.
We all are fighting a battle from the depths of our heart, a parent, a child, a lover or boss…….unfortunately this doesn’t make us immune……only now smart!
Steve Beckers articles are so wise and thought provoking, and Liane Leedoms expertise and life experiences have been unbelievably smoken.
We all learn through living, and sometimes its hell……. but everything happens for a reason, if we pay attention….life will always tell.
Whether it’s awareness or change, growth, health or spiritual ……when the hard work is done we will find our miracle.
So ladies and gentlemen, don’t duck from the skillet……embrace it with power it’s only brought out if you really, really need it!
We get boinked and kicked and slapped upside the head here…..it’s all done from the heart to help us bypass the sociopaths spear.
We all need inspiration and sometimes a kick in the ass to continue our battle,……..and as we’ve all found out…… we don’t always get issued lifes comfortable saddle.
Our beloved ANewLily will continue to remind us of the loneliness and suffering, ……..she will protect us and guide us and shout out a call. We will feel her presence in our hearts as we go along this journey of life she so dearly loved…..and seek what she yearned for, as like her, we keep standing tall.
My wish for you all is that you find your happiness, continue to walk the walk, do what you have to, to find your adamant even crassness.
Expose, express and get downright angry, allow the wounds heal and then let go of the mangy.
May we all have happiness and peace this holiday season—
You’re all in my life for a damn good reason!
XXOO
To my LF friends~
Wow. I must admit I posted a bit yesterday without catching up. I didn’t go back and read the previous posts from all of you. Jeez. We never cease to amaze me. How very strong and resourcefull we are. Survivors every one.
All the terrorism, heatbreak and tragedy we’ve survived.
Aussiegirl your story is pure hell. I am so sorry.
China, Hi. I can’t offer much advise, except to say, make your move, and always take the high road, because anything you do can and wwill be called into question, and your X has the ways and means to use it against you. Always stay calm and collected. Never let him see you emotional in any way…
Eventually his true colors will shine through.
Hens, boink, boink, boink! ( I mean it in the nicest way.)
If that whole scenario had happened to me, and it was two and a half or three years ago, I would KNOW that X-spath and I were getting back together. Yep. That would be proof positive that HE STILL WANTED ME. All I needed to know. I would not stop to ask myself where I fit into the equation. I wouldn’t check to find out whether I STILL WANTED HIM. This DANCE we did was automatic, and had a life of its own, and we did it over and over and over.
I would be furious over his doing something despicable….again. I would throw him out….or….he would just leave…and party, until he ran out of supply, was hungry, needed a shower, or tired.
I would have spent the time he was gone, heartbroken, alone, full of dispare, wondering where he was, what he was doing…would he come back…etc etc etc adnauseum.
Always, somehow, I managed to get the message out to him that I was still interested and available, (like Hansell and Gretel leaving breadcrumbs in their wake….) and he would call, or come by, and we were on our way down the prim-rose path.
So, Hens…If I were you I would be very afraid. If you were a drunk trying to be sober I would call that a relapse. I would tell you You were setting yourself up for it, and I would tell you to examin your thought and feelings just prior to going to town. What triggered that relapse?
What were you doing for 3 years that managed to keep you sober? What did you not do, or do that changed that?
Hens, it’s important that you get real honest with yourself, and remember HIM for what he is!
I’m with Skylar…No gushy, emotional response. In fact, NO RESPONSE. You’re just a drink away from a drunk, Hens.
One tiny sip, and your on your way.
(((((EB)))) I love it! Thank-you for your week before Thanksgiving poem. You are soooo clever. And we are so fortunate, all of us, to have each-other.
Dear Erin B thanks for putting a big smile on my face this morning I enjoyed your post so much…huggles……Kim you are so right thanks for the kick in the head I needed that..your comment ‘the dance we did had a life of it’s own’..gosh you were there werent you…
Thanks Aussie for the book title. I will check it out. It seems a familiar story but I know it is different than the one I read a while back. A woman from the Middle east living in the US and her husband, also Middleeastern, took her kids back to his country and she couldn’t see them. He blackmailed her and threatened her and eventually I think she got them back but it was hell.
I’ll read this book. I need to read about women who are able to stand up for themselves and kick ass.
I swear every day when I wake up it is the first thing I think of. I have stopped having nightmares at least.
I sometimes wonder how I’m going to make it through. Life isn’t fair, I know this, but I still feel I don’t deserve this. None of us do. And I know many have it a lot worse than I do. Having gratitude helps me put things into perspective.
Thanks again!
Dear Chinagirl,
WOW! I’m way behind, was gone most of the day yesterday and lots of posting going on that I have to catch up with.
My egg donor smeared me in the communnity by telling people I was “crazy” etc. so my suggestion is to just keep your head up and don’t worry about what he MIGHT SAY. I know it is difficult not to, but if someone says anything just “shurg it off” like it is nothing, and say “Oh, John may be a physician, and you’d think he’d be smart, but he’s just so bitter after the divorce, there’s just not a good or true word he can say about me. I wish he would just grow up and get on with his life.” Then don’t act like you are surprised at what he said, or anything else, or even mad, just “ho hummm” it and get on with your life.
Don’t “defend” yourself, just act like it is “all such a petty lie”–if they want to go on discussing his lies, just say Something along the line of “I’m done listening to his slanders, I’d rather not discuss my x-husband, thanks” and then REFUSE to even discuss him. First off it is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
I think most people will not judge you on his word EVEN IF HE DOES CALL them, it is him that is going to be made to look like the NUT JOB as long as you keep your cool, and back it up with your body language and tone of voice as well as just don’t show any “interest” in the details of what he said even if they try to tell you. This is partly the way psychopaths get away with their stuff when someone warns someone else about them…they bluff their way through, and it usually WORKS so use one of their tactics—just don’t outright LIE about any one specific thing, keep it general.
Let’s say a new friend or co-worker says to you, “Did you know your X husband called and said you had a double jay-walking conviction in March of 2009 in Michigal and did 30 days in jail”? If that is a TRUE thing, do not lie and deny it, but answer something like,
“I am amazed at the things John will say about me—he has been very bitter since our divorce, but I would really rather not even talk about him.”
The statements that you made in “answer” to that question were an EVASION but not an outright lie, saying “it is NOT true” when it really IS true, but it is the truth I iam sure that you ARE AMAZED at the things John says about you, and he has been very bitter (also true) and you would I am sure not want to talk about this all. So you have kept your own issues private and yet not lied…just evaded a question that is none of anyone else’s business. OK you got a jay walking sentence, but you NO LONGER jay walk, and you are not Ted Bundy or a bank robber, and I assume you are not going to be marrying this co-worker, so as far as I can see none of your past except professionally is any of their business.
Appearing to WANT to hide things is something that will make you suspect though, but if you APPEAR VERY OPEN with your private life people you work with will assume you ARE OPEN…so just be one of those people who says NOTHING IN 5,000 WORDS OR MORE.
Talk about your hobbies, the things you like to do at coffee break, or your son or the fact that you are divorced for 5 years or whatever, but if anyone asks any questions, just “laugh it off”—“well it was a nasty divorce, what can I say? ha ha aren’t most divorces nasty? ha ha” and then drop it at that.
Just appear to be very friendlyy and outgoing, kind and caring, but actually keep any private information PRIVATE without appearing to do so. Take cookies to the office or clinic where you work, and every holiday take appropriate snacks or every Friday, just something nice and sweet….but keep your priavte stuff private and no ne will know that you are not just the most open and honest and outgoing person in the world. It works for the Ps, so you can use the same technique for your benefit.
Are you still able to call your daughter on a regular basis and e mail her? Send her little gifts and things? I hope so. Sorry to hear his 3rd wife is preggers again. She sure must have her hands full. I imagine that keeps her out of his business if she’s so tired from 2 toddlers and a pregnancy as well as taking care of your daughter and the “hubby”—she has no easy row to hoe.
Keep on trucking China girl! You’re gonna get there, just one step at a time. We’ve all made mistaken choices or even some foolish choices in the past, but we start TODAY in making better choices and moving forward! Don’t beat yourself up over the past bad decisions or poor choices, just learn from them. Playy your cards close to your chest. Love Oxy
Wow!!! EB! you are very talented with your words! Thank you for the post! I can’t wait for more!
ErinBrock,
Delightful poem – thank you so much for the sentiment – and your wisdom, encouragement, caring, and laughs!
Thank you to everyone who contributes to Lovefraud.
Love always
Donna
Wow! This is my first post…altho I’ve been reading on here for months. I’ve heard them all from my Spath husband. I’m praying that the divorce will be final on Monday. Even a simple thing such as child support turns into an all out war with them.
We’ve been married for 8 yrs but he want a DNA test….now that he knows that she is his daughter (dna proved it), and I have been raising her with no problem. Now, he still doesnt want to pay child support, so now he goes to court to ask for custody of her because after 3 years of raising her alone, with no help and no money… I am “UNFIT”. The things that this man said about me in court documents had me stunned….Unbeliveable!!! More and more lies spill from his lips ( as well as his N lawyer). They are one and the same.
All of a sudden “my daughter means more to me than anything and I would give a million dollars as long as I can be with her” Just a month ago… I heard ” I will never give you a F’in dime of my money” I work hard for my money and you can do the same thing. He swears that he will pack up and go back to his country before he will give me and dime. Then, ” I will not be subject to the laws of the U.S. ”
I met this man overseas and he had NOTHING… I married him, he came here and I helped him with everything! He is now on his feet and makes $100K and will not give me $50 for gas money. He watches me struggle with our daughter and enjoys it. Disgusting!
I dont know about the rest of them, but He had NO original ideas of his own. EVERYTHING that had wants or does, comes from somthing that he has seen or heard about. oooohh, i should do that. Like a 5 yr old…. and it goes on day after day after day. Today i want this…….tomorrow, i want that.
I feel like when they are trying to portray some deep emotion towards you or anything that they claim to care about…they are just repeating what they’ve heard someone else say…..or it’s what they think should be said…because they really don’t know. They are incapable of any kind of love or emotion. Sick Ba$tards!!!
Dear EB—will be popping in and out jbut also wanted to say to you that your poem is AWESOME!!!!!!! A great NEW LOVE FRAUD TRADITION!!!! Donna, you need to traNsfer that poem it is’t own “article” slot! It’s too good to get buried in all the comments! Gret job EB and thank you from me too for all that you do and the encouragement you give to me!!! EVERYT DAY!!!