Perhaps the hardest thing for those of us targeted by sociopaths to grasp is the extent of their inhumanity.
Sociopaths have no empathy. They do not feel connections to other human beings. We are mere pawns in their games. They view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators, everyone else is prey.
We ask, “How can this be?”
We object, “He said he loved me!” (“She said she loved me!”)
We argue, “I said I was leaving and he cried! He begged me to stay! He said he couldn’t live without me!” (The female sociopath did too.)
Well, let’s take a look at what their words really mean. A Lovefraud reader visited Sociopathworld.com. “They had a discussion going on things they said but what they actually meant to them,” she wrote.
Here’s what our reader sent:
The Cheat-Sheet for What a Sociopath Really Means
1. I love you: I am fond of your companionship and put you above most, but never above me. Consider it an honor.
2. I’m sorry, forgive me: I really do not enjoy the fact that your mood has altered. Please revert back to normal.
3. I’d do anything for you: I’d do plenty to keep you right where I want you to be.
4. My condolences for your loss: *crickets* … It’s just a body. See you later when you aren’t being an emotional train-wreck.
5. S/he fills my heart with joy: I haven’t had this much fun playing in a long time, and the sex is more than acceptable.
6. I love my family: They’re mine.
7. That’s simply shocking: You’ve touched my morbid bone. No need to stop now…
8. Deep down, I feel I’m a good person: I’m not in prison and I stopped abusing animals, mostly. What more can you possibly demand of me?
9. I’m not a monster, I’m a human too: I’m trying to seem human, give me a break. It’s not like this is particularly natural for me.
10. I have feelings too: I feel frustrated when your feelings get in my way.
11. I wouldn’t lie to you: I lie to you every time I say I wouldn’t lie to you.
12. I understand/respect your feelings: I appreciate your feelings because I use them to manipulate you.
13. I never meant to hurt you: mission accomplished.
14. I want to work things out: I want to work things out for today.
15. I’ll always be there for you: I’ll try to as long as I need something from you
Remember this: Never evaluate the words or actions of a sociopath based on what you mean by your words and actions. For a sociopath, it’s all about manipulation.
Dear Freedom,
Welcome to LF and glad you are here reading and learning and healing. It is a difficult journey and they do not ever develop “normal” behaviors or feelings, so the sooner we quit expecting them to the better off for us.
Good luck in court, there are some threads here on that and also you might want to look at Dr. Leedom’s blog “Raising the at risk child” You will need all the help and support you can get to get through this, but do know you are NOT ALONE!!! YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE!!! That was a comfort to me and I hope is to you. Again, welcome and k eep on reading and posting! God bless!
Erin Brock..
Wow! What a great poem! You hit it all!
It just amazes me how many “liars” there are out there! I just wonder how so many people end up living their lives lying to people and using people. It sortof makes ME feel stronger.
My xbf is 56 years old and is still living (off) with his brother because he made so many unwise financial decisions. He spends money frivolously on nice clothes, cars, toys, …..and is missing out on the true meaning of life and happiness! I guess they are still selfish little children trying to manipulate their way through life..fooling themselves! They use people instead of love and care for them.
I wasn’t sure my x was a true sociopath, or just a liar and manipulator who needed to be selfish because of his terrible childhood…abandoned by mother at ten yrs old, and has no idea who his sperm doner father is..not even his name! You CANNOT be healthy and well adjusted going through that! Then his abusive grandmother raised him..no love and affection….just like living with an army seargant! OMG…How COULD he “love”.
I see him as a “big baby” in a big man’s body. I don’t hate him or have any anger toward him. He is what he is!!
The part of me that I have looked at is …what in ME made me think that he could possible love, care and give me what I wanted and needed….a close friendship/companionship and romantic love???
I see him so differently after “round 3”. He is just a little child running through life to get his needs met,…that were NEVER met as a child! Its all about him!
So, now that I am free to date and meet new people, I am going to really watch at what people Do…not SAY. He
was telling me all along how much he “loved” me and was “in love” with me. I don’t doubt that he did care about me on some level and feel for me…but if you cannot “give” and “show” love and be open and honest, then you really only have selfish motives.
Yes, its all about them and what you can do or give to them. “Supply”. They don’t “love” truly. They just find people to give them attention, sex, money.
I don’t feel sad or despair this time around. I feel as though I got the answers I was searching for when I decided to let him back into my life.
When you don’t feel that someone really cares about you and your life…and they are just functioning to get what they can from other people…its easy to just walk away.
I realize that I am a giving worthwhile person. Many people like to be with me, and I am open and honest and sincere and I care about people, animals, and even plants.
I deserve a “normal” person to share my life with, that I can TRUST and not have to walk on eggshells with, wondering if they are being truthful and sincere in every move. That is TOO much stress for me to live with daily.
I actually feel “free” and destressed with him out of my life. I know that I cared for him and my intentions were good and sincere. But, I also know that I want someone to care about me too. Time to move on.
I don’t have the anxiety and PTS symptoms as I did when I ended it a year ago. I was confused and shocked. This time around, nothing surprised me. My expectations were low. Not disappointed. Not beating myself up either.
Just happy to be free to be me.
Dear Erin Brock,
I was touched by your poem, having mentioned different LF posters in it. How long did it take to compose it?
FreedomatLast,
Glad you’re getting free of the bum! I know exactly what you’re going through when it comes to money and a spath. They are greedy, twisted in their thinking, being so ungenerous toward their wives, not caring one iota about the unnecessary hardships that they put us through. Nor do they truly appreciate what anyone does for them, another lesson that I’ve learned (the hard way). You have my sympathy.
OX, thank you! I’ve been reading post from the at risk child…. and I have had to use some of the ideas. I really think that court on Monday will be a lot easier than it was the last 3 times…plus I’m going in with a lawyer who actually listened and believed me when I told her that he is a Spath with EXTREME NPD. Not mention their antics in court last time pretty much proved it.
Bluejay,
Altho we havent been together for quite some time, I cant wait to feel like Im free from this nut job. Money means EVERYTHING to them. The problem is once the court awards me with child support and alimony ( and I believe they will) he is going to be furious…and then there will be a whole new war. Thank you all for the great post , altho I had not posted in the past.. I realized some time ago that there are lots of people dealing with these issues. It has helped tremendously! Blessings to you all!!!
Freedom…He sounds like my Xhusb/sociopath!
Now, that man was a TRUE socio….diagnosed by a prominent professional psychologist…who told me to RUN from him because he has NO conscience…the heart the size of a pea.
He was SO strange from day one…lied terribly, and had more nerve than God…a true Scott Peterson…even looks alot like him! The judge told him he is “unrehabilitative” and that he is a pathological liar. And, those judges see A LOT of people and can classify them (a good one anyway)
He moved to Florida so he doesn’t have to pay childsupport and could care less about our children….DEADBEAT!
So…you’re on your own….pray that he gets out of your life.
Dear Freedom,
If you are awarded childsupport and/or alimony, it might be to your benefit to “make a deal” with him that IF HE WILL SIGN AWAY HIS PARENTAL RIGHTS (some states won’t let you do that) that you will not press for the money.l
If you can BUY this guy off, whatever the cost in terms of getting him out of your life and the life of your child, or if you can get him to flee the country to get away from CS enforcement, you will most likely be much better off. It is just about worth ANY amount of money to keep them out of the lives of our kids.
Also I recommend that you set up your estate so that your X cannot control any money or life insurance to your child after your death. You can’t “will” a child’s custody (especially if there is another living parent) but you CAN set up your estate so that the child’s physical custodian which would likely be the other parent CAN”T get their hands on the money you leave for the child except a “pay out” monthly, but at least it will protect the child somewhat from financial ruin because the other parent stole the money.
You CAN recommend another caregiver in your will though. Some judges will (upon investigation) honor those wishes, but don’t have to. Good luck! Keep us posted and you are in my prayers!
tobehappy, I have said over and over again that i wish that i convience them to give him a psychological exam. The is NUTS!!! He came into our “mediation” and looked straight into the womans face and told her ” She is an American, I’m not from this country….” I cut him off and said, the woman is an american as well….are you about to insult the both of us. He continued and said, well in her family it doesnt matter if the father is not in the child’s life. So, I contacted my ex husband who wrote an affadavit for me explaining how I have worked WITH him over the years to raise my son and what a great mom I am. My son wrote one as well (he’s 22 now) saying how he is completely offended that my parenting is in question. whenever I have no contact with him, my days are wonderful…as soon as my phone ring or he sends an email or text….my stress level goes from 0 to 50 IMMEDIATELY! I hate living like that… and i hate having to have a stragedy for every single thing that i do, in order to beat him at his game. It’s a horrible way to live.
Ox,
The problem is that I really am stuggling financially. I wish I had the option of of having his sign over his rights…but his Narrcissm would not allow him to do that anyway. He believes that he is a great father. LMAO DEADBEAT!!!
Thanks for the idea about the insurance.. Ironically enough, I just spoke to a friend about that a few days ago. There is NO WAY i’d ever want her to be left in his custody. He would ruin her. I just suggested to my attorney today that she include in my custody that he can not take her out of the state and NEVER out of the country.
Thank you all for your warm thoughts and prayers. I will continue to pray for you all as well. This site is the best!
Erin Brock,
I really loved your poem, best poem I’ve read in a long time. We are lucky to have you here.
Wow, there have been some posts on this tread that opened my eyes to the similar behavior of disordered people. I know that I’ve said this before, but it’s eerie how alike they are.
Freedomatlast, mine also would mimic others ideas. He likes to orate the news of the day and before he took an early retirement, I thought he came up with these things on his own. Nope, their originality is borrowed.
Spath seems normal sometimes and I will converse with him like a normal person. I asked him if he liked my new boots (was so excited because they were warm, comfortable and stylish! good for my son’s hockey games at the cold arenas) Spath goes on to say “take off your pants and I’ll tell you” WTF?!!!! We haven’t been intimate for a long time, sleeping in different bedrooms and he is on his way out (by January). Always with the sexual inuendo. For gosh sakes. Oh, then he says he was just joking. Whatever. Pig.
They are aliens!!!!!!
Hope,
Because they think that they are perfect, it’s just natural that you would still want to be with them. “You could NEVER find another man like me”. You’re damn right… i can’t, nor would I want to. My ex honestly believes that he could get me back. Im done!!! They come back with all the compliments and pretending to be being so nice…talking like they have sugar on their tongues. He actually thought that he could convince me to cancel our first court date for child support with that Bull$hit. Dude please! I am soooo over you!
Bravo, EB!
What a cool poem! I agree with Oxy: Donna should post it separately—-it’s such a brilliant picture of what We Are here at LF. This isn’t just a random website—it’s a powerful community of smart, strong survivors who’ve come thru brutal experiences, standing together to support & share & care for each other. AWESOME.
And, yeah, a new LF Thanksgiving Tradition—-whatever else we’re going thru in our lives, wherever we are in our healing & our battles, we can celebrate & be thankful for having been led out of our personal apocalypses to gather here & make OUR STAND!
WE ARE AWESOME!