Perhaps the hardest thing for those of us targeted by sociopaths to grasp is the extent of their inhumanity.
Sociopaths have no empathy. They do not feel connections to other human beings. We are mere pawns in their games. They view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators, everyone else is prey.
We ask, “How can this be?”
We object, “He said he loved me!” (“She said she loved me!”)
We argue, “I said I was leaving and he cried! He begged me to stay! He said he couldn’t live without me!” (The female sociopath did too.)
Well, let’s take a look at what their words really mean. A Lovefraud reader visited Sociopathworld.com. “They had a discussion going on things they said but what they actually meant to them,” she wrote.
Here’s what our reader sent:
The Cheat-Sheet for What a Sociopath Really Means
1. I love you: I am fond of your companionship and put you above most, but never above me. Consider it an honor.
2. I’m sorry, forgive me: I really do not enjoy the fact that your mood has altered. Please revert back to normal.
3. I’d do anything for you: I’d do plenty to keep you right where I want you to be.
4. My condolences for your loss: *crickets* … It’s just a body. See you later when you aren’t being an emotional train-wreck.
5. S/he fills my heart with joy: I haven’t had this much fun playing in a long time, and the sex is more than acceptable.
6. I love my family: They’re mine.
7. That’s simply shocking: You’ve touched my morbid bone. No need to stop now…
8. Deep down, I feel I’m a good person: I’m not in prison and I stopped abusing animals, mostly. What more can you possibly demand of me?
9. I’m not a monster, I’m a human too: I’m trying to seem human, give me a break. It’s not like this is particularly natural for me.
10. I have feelings too: I feel frustrated when your feelings get in my way.
11. I wouldn’t lie to you: I lie to you every time I say I wouldn’t lie to you.
12. I understand/respect your feelings: I appreciate your feelings because I use them to manipulate you.
13. I never meant to hurt you: mission accomplished.
14. I want to work things out: I want to work things out for today.
15. I’ll always be there for you: I’ll try to as long as I need something from you
Remember this: Never evaluate the words or actions of a sociopath based on what you mean by your words and actions. For a sociopath, it’s all about manipulation.
gem – hmmm, maybe she meant, ‘i love you heaps of steaming shit’. just a thought.
hens,
when he said ’i love you’ it felt like I was being brainwashed….. his love was nothing like I have ever known..it was manipulation and control’
ouuu, good lines!
so, what is it about the manipulation and control that hooks us? it feeds something. what? or maybe it’s just because it’s manipulation and control that we are hooked.
‘brainwashed’ REALLY rings true for me. bingo bingo. bingo.
good list
#2. He never wants me to be angry with him, has a weird thing with smiling and wants you to smile at him. This is probably why he’s always cracking jokes.
#9. He has said “you think I’m a monster”. Translation, he knows there is something wrong with him and wonders if he is a monster. I never even alluded to him being a monster.
#11. The lying is pathalogical. If his lips are moving…well you know the rest.
Something that Oxy said resonated with me about her egg donor wanting her around just to care for her. This last go around with the spath he said he wouldn’t know who to call if his car broke down (now that I’m divorcing him), and that I’m so cute that he doesn’t want to let me go and it’s not fair. Translation=He wants to keep me around because of what I can offer him.
There is just sometimes that all this makes me so sad. I know that I am doing the right thing, but it is extremely difficult, like swimming against the tide.
Those stupid spaths, they suck the life right out of you.
One step,
What is it about us that we need to believe in the lies and manipulation? I look at my stronger friends and they have healthier relationships with their spouses. That is what we need to be, stronger and less malleable.
It comes from having a narc father. I put up with so much just to be loved. No more!!!!!
Survivor lady,
I like your comparison of a spath and an alien. I had been thinking that for some time. Mine also kept the mask on for close to 20 years. I saw signs but I was in too deep to interpret them.
hopeforjoy – well, i have a f#$*&*$ narc father, too!
i am a strong character – but I am malleable. really freakin’ malleable. for (choke spit) love! and that’s lie #1
one_step, I had a bi-polar, self medicated (alcoholic) adopted mother. First strike- for me, adopted (abandoned at birth), second strike-adopted mother threatened to “give me back” all the time when I wasn’t the “perfect child”, third strike-when drunk would say “I wish I never got any of you kids, my life would be so much better”. This was all when I was little. VERY YOUNG. I can remember crying in my room praying that my bio mom would come rescue me.
I was thinking about my past relationships, I realized something pretty sad actually. My first “real boyfriend” growing up was normal, typical, loving, and I dumped him after a couple years. The next boyfriend (I ended up marrying very young) was a controlling alcoholic-yes I sought out those who were like my mother that I could never fix to try and “fix” them. I learned that through counseling and Al-non. That ex was put in prison last year for 50 years for Embezzlement. He was an attorney who stole millions from his clients over the years and got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I remember playing cards with friends one night, he was caught cheating. He replied “if you can get away with it, why not?”. After that marriage failed, I ended up living with another alcoholic who was very abusive. After that ended, I ended up dating around for a while (all the wrong types of course). Then I married another man who was a non-drinker but emotionally controlling and LAZY as hell! He asked me to marry him very quickly. I had money from a settlement, and he used it all up and then moved on-I divorced him. A few years after that divorce I met my ex-Spath–non drinker, very intelligent, funny (life of the party), sophisticated, older than me, had his act together (yeah right!). So I did end up staying away from alcoholics eventually, only to end up with THAT! WOW! And now many, many months into therapy and being here…I think I might be on my way-I hope!
Findingmyself,
You have had some journey! I don’t know why we gravitate to the wrong people. My first husband was a covert narcissist, couldn’t and wouldn’t grow up. He would come home drunk and my mother-in-law would come over and take care of him. Enable much?
Dad was a narcissist, still is I guess. Now current squeeze is a spath/narc. and the most dangerous of all of them because he is most charming.
I don’t even know what I would look for in a mate anymore because apparently, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing!
You are on your way to something much better, sometimes that means just being with you and finally loving yourself. Healthy and stable alone beats out being with the disordered anyday.
GREAT ARTICLE!! It is so true… what they say and what they mean are 2 different things. Who they portray and who they really are is 2 different people. That DARN mask!!!!! We all fall for it…. They wear it so well. It’s like Halloween everday to them. And we women thought we put on alot of makeup in the mornings!!! LOLOLOL
Survivorlady labeled it best… they are “aliens”!!!
Peace to all!
Finding you have endured alot. You are on the way!