Perhaps the hardest thing for those of us targeted by sociopaths to grasp is the extent of their inhumanity.
Sociopaths have no empathy. They do not feel connections to other human beings. We are mere pawns in their games. They view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators, everyone else is prey.
We ask, “How can this be?”
We object, “He said he loved me!” (“She said she loved me!”)
We argue, “I said I was leaving and he cried! He begged me to stay! He said he couldn’t live without me!” (The female sociopath did too.)
Well, let’s take a look at what their words really mean. A Lovefraud reader visited Sociopathworld.com. “They had a discussion going on things they said but what they actually meant to them,” she wrote.
Here’s what our reader sent:
The Cheat-Sheet for What a Sociopath Really Means
1. I love you: I am fond of your companionship and put you above most, but never above me. Consider it an honor.
2. I’m sorry, forgive me: I really do not enjoy the fact that your mood has altered. Please revert back to normal.
3. I’d do anything for you: I’d do plenty to keep you right where I want you to be.
4. My condolences for your loss: *crickets* … It’s just a body. See you later when you aren’t being an emotional train-wreck.
5. S/he fills my heart with joy: I haven’t had this much fun playing in a long time, and the sex is more than acceptable.
6. I love my family: They’re mine.
7. That’s simply shocking: You’ve touched my morbid bone. No need to stop now…
8. Deep down, I feel I’m a good person: I’m not in prison and I stopped abusing animals, mostly. What more can you possibly demand of me?
9. I’m not a monster, I’m a human too: I’m trying to seem human, give me a break. It’s not like this is particularly natural for me.
10. I have feelings too: I feel frustrated when your feelings get in my way.
11. I wouldn’t lie to you: I lie to you every time I say I wouldn’t lie to you.
12. I understand/respect your feelings: I appreciate your feelings because I use them to manipulate you.
13. I never meant to hurt you: mission accomplished.
14. I want to work things out: I want to work things out for today.
15. I’ll always be there for you: I’ll try to as long as I need something from you
Remember this: Never evaluate the words or actions of a sociopath based on what you mean by your words and actions. For a sociopath, it’s all about manipulation.
Hugs Hens!!!! and you don’t have to paint my house!
thanks Hens!! to bad there are way too many peeps that take advantage of a peep pleaser and NOT appreciate it. I agree with your track of do unto others…. that way it cuts back on the vulnerablity level of those who are peep pleasers.
Agenda only with an spathHO! is so correct!
Hope you are having a good day!
Spath is up to his spathy ways again. Cry, sob, you’re so wrong about me. Cry, sob, you said we’d wait until Christmas was over. Cry, sob, we really love each other, why can’t you give me a chance?
Calls me demanding because I want to know who is moving out. If I need to look for a place I got to start right now. He said he knows when he moves out he will never see his daughter again and it breaks his heart. I do feel bad about that because part of me knows that he was a good dad when she was little. He doesn’t know what to do when they talk back and he can’t manipulate them any longer.
Now he will be working on our son and trying to get him to move with him. He said, what if son wants to live with me? I said fine, (I’m not giving him any indication that I will fight that but I will, never let them know your strategy). He is so unhealthy, denies so much. Accuses me of being demanding and difficult when I treat him with kid gloves. He just wants to live in his fantasy land.
I know the d&d is going to start pretty soon. He already said he knows what daughter and I are planning. WTF? If it were her decision he would have been outta here a year ago. Sicko. He is going to mess up our son, he already acts like father of the year around him.
Dear Hope4joy,
I suggest to Tell him HE is moving and he has 48 hours starting Monday at 8 a.m. to accomplish it…get photographs of the inside of the house and the things that are worth anything that he might take off with. Make a list of what he is taking that might be considered “Joint” property…
Secondly, I suggest you then tell him that there is NOTHING OPEN TO DISCUSSION at this point, speak to your attorney. Go into your room and bolt the door if necessary. What is there to be gained by listening to him?
So what is he never sees his daughter again? She feels sexually molested by him now, maybe the girl can get some peace by being away from him.
What is “being a good dad to them when they were little” got to do with anything NOW? Define HOW he was a “good dad” to them then.
As for the “messing up” your son, your son has choices and he will make them–by the time a kid is 10 or 12 at the very least, there is a choice there of what they think and what they do that we have NO influence over, so don’t set yourself up to blame yourself if your son “chooses” dad over you, and even if you are able to force your son to stay with you when he wants to go with his dad, it might back fire on you, so just play it by ear, but I agree with you to PLAY YOUR CARDS CLOSE TO YOUR CHEST.
The D & D will start, and his remark about what you and dtr are “planning” might be his first shot over the bow, but it won’t be anything you don’t already expect! Just don’t let his drama upset you! Sounds like you are holding on pretty well! (((hugs)))
hopeforjoy – took me years to get to the point with my dad that your daughter is at. TOWANDA to her!
i know its still really stressful, but YOU ARE DOING IT and IT”S ALMOST DONE!!!!!!!
You have many years to sort things out with your son. It’s unfortunate that he is being manipulated – but one thing at a time. First you need to get him out. You are doing so well.
and yah, that ‘shot over the bow’ is him doing the D+D and phishing for some info. If he actually knew what you were up to, he wouldn’t have to phish.
Keep Going!
Great point, One!!
Yep he is phishing! For sure! Not getting defensive and NOT arguing with him is the BEST defense!
Dear Mamagem:
I’m so sad for you that your experience of Australian hospitality has been somewhat remiss. I was born and bred here, so still have friends from school days and former and present work colleagues. Having never lived anywhere else I can only comment on my own experience. I know that I’m a friendly welcoming type, and that many of my pals are too, but on the whole, when I think about it, it does seem that social groups are largely composed of people from their history too: family, schoolmates, work colleagues. I guess the exceptions are likely to be group memberships; for instance, if you joined a bowling club or an art group or things along those lines, where people in the group had a common interest.
I don’t think it’s unfriendliness on the whole, so much as busy-ness. This is such a free and easy country with so many great opportunities and things to do and see, and temperate weather for most of the year in most places – none of the potential social restrictors like being snowed in Scotland or the U.S. I think that people are probably so busy racing around doing family stuff or things with people they already have a connection with, that they don’t find the time to take in the “newbies”. So many people are in a situation where everyone in the household works full-time, also, to pay for their homes, which limits opportunities to meet and greet. Maybe I’m wrong – these are just my thoughts…
I am in country Western Australia and I have to admit, that having lived in the ‘burbs as well as several country locations, country folk are often more outgoing that city folk. I think that comes down to fewer choices and a generally slower pace of life more than anything else. (Again, just my thoughts)
I have a friend from South Africa – but then again, we met at work. She has many Australian friends and we both work with some of them. Perhaps the culture from state to state is even a little different countrywide?
Have you joined any clubs/groups? There would be many things on offer in your location, I’m sure. (If not, then move over here and I’ll be your friend :))
My spath’s other ex-wife (the one before me) hails from Scotland
but I believe she has been here from quite a young age (I must ask her on Tuesday when we are in court together against the spath; she’s my support person) and has close Australian friends; but again, from having worked with them.
As for Home and Away and Neighbours – even Australians laugh at the doings on those shows! Who would want to live in Ramsey Street anyhow? It’s a right little Peyton Place…a hot bed of intrigue and suspicion….. and Summer Bay – well now, if you do the statistics on that one as to your chances of being murdered, raped, stalked, fire-bombed, bashed or arrested in that little town, you’d never even drive through it on your way to somewhere else, would you? And let’s not forget the inordinate proportion of fostered children living in the town… not at all realistic; and thank goodness for that!
What do you like doing/what are your hobbies?
I’d start there. Or go to TAFE and learn something new! xx
Dear Aussie girl,
I think your point about people being too busy…yea, definitely right there, even in the country here in US. Where I live out in the REAL BOONIES all but one of the neighbors (or their families) have been here 4-5 generations…people left here in droves my egg donor’s age as there were no jobs…people my age started coming back so have roots in the community and family ties We (my egg donor) and I came back here about 20 years ago after being gone for decades…but I worked in the community (I had a clinic here) so got to know everyone again from my childhood and she fell in with her cousins and neighbors she grew up with that were still here–my husband had an easy time getting to know folks because of that (he was not from here) and made friends easily.
It is difficult to make new friends except at work or in a club, and making friends with neighbors isn’t always easy as just living close to someone doesn’t make you have common interests. Many of my friends that have been CLOSE friends for years are either directly or indirectly from work, and others from clubs, volunteers or shared interests.
My son’s friends are through shared interests and Boy Scouts (he works for BS part time).
I’m a “good neighbor” and have good neighbors (with one exception) but I don’t socialize with them much–we are there for each other though and have pleasant relationships when we do interact.
Since all the chaos, though, I have sort of pulled back into my “hole in the woods” and don’t spend a lot of time with those outside my very close circle, but I’m working on that aspect. Right now, just focusing on the things I need for myself.
Good plan. Me too.
Thanks so much, Aussie girl, You must think me very ungrateful for this country,yes, it IS a stunningly gorgeous country and there a re lots of things to love about it.
Probably if I didnt have a totally dysfunctional family,{except for my husband] I would enjoy it more. When my girls were younger, and I was teaching full time, it was different, I had more friends, work colleagues,etc, and very little free time to myself.Now that Im retired, I think I miss not having a large family round me. I must get back to my creative writing groups,I enjoyed that. Maybe its like this everywhere now, everyone only involved with own immediate families, everyone is so busy and hectic. That plus Ive just had 18 months total NC with older spath daughter, and it has been hard.Thanks again,Love, gem.,XX One step, thanks darling for your kind words too. I was in Scotland this last May, seeing old “girl” friends and it was GREAT! Love, gemXX
Gem:
I don’t know what your exact family situation is, so this might not be a thing you are in a position to do, but would you consider spending a morning or two at your local school? Whether you taught Primary or Secondary school, our literacy and numeracy rates (in general) are falling at an alarming rate. I know that most schools would die of gratitude to have a wee bit of regular help with the “strugglers” and the “stragglers” – especially if you are an ex-teacher!! All that wonderful knowledge and experience just waiting to be tapped…You would do a great job of it, I am sure!
And hey – I DON’T think any such thing about you having a little whinge. We all get down at times – and that’s WITHOUT a spath in the mix! You are allowed to have a gripe you know – just don’t stay stuck in it. It must be so difficult raising a child and loving the way that only (normal) mother’s do, only to discover that something is so terribly wrong with them and it can’t be fixed and they are a danger to you in one way or another – or several ways. I feel so sad for you and for Drover and for anyone else out there who is in your position of needing to go NC with the flesh and blood you bore. Tragic stuff. That you two are even able to get out of bed every day amazes me.
Not to minimise what the rest of us have been through or are still going through, but I think that your situations have an especially sharp knifes-edge to them. xx