Perhaps the hardest thing for those of us targeted by sociopaths to grasp is the extent of their inhumanity.
Sociopaths have no empathy. They do not feel connections to other human beings. We are mere pawns in their games. They view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators, everyone else is prey.
We ask, “How can this be?”
We object, “He said he loved me!” (“She said she loved me!”)
We argue, “I said I was leaving and he cried! He begged me to stay! He said he couldn’t live without me!” (The female sociopath did too.)
Well, let’s take a look at what their words really mean. A Lovefraud reader visited Sociopathworld.com. “They had a discussion going on things they said but what they actually meant to them,” she wrote.
Here’s what our reader sent:
The Cheat-Sheet for What a Sociopath Really Means
1. I love you: I am fond of your companionship and put you above most, but never above me. Consider it an honor.
2. I’m sorry, forgive me: I really do not enjoy the fact that your mood has altered. Please revert back to normal.
3. I’d do anything for you: I’d do plenty to keep you right where I want you to be.
4. My condolences for your loss: *crickets* … It’s just a body. See you later when you aren’t being an emotional train-wreck.
5. S/he fills my heart with joy: I haven’t had this much fun playing in a long time, and the sex is more than acceptable.
6. I love my family: They’re mine.
7. That’s simply shocking: You’ve touched my morbid bone. No need to stop now…
8. Deep down, I feel I’m a good person: I’m not in prison and I stopped abusing animals, mostly. What more can you possibly demand of me?
9. I’m not a monster, I’m a human too: I’m trying to seem human, give me a break. It’s not like this is particularly natural for me.
10. I have feelings too: I feel frustrated when your feelings get in my way.
11. I wouldn’t lie to you: I lie to you every time I say I wouldn’t lie to you.
12. I understand/respect your feelings: I appreciate your feelings because I use them to manipulate you.
13. I never meant to hurt you: mission accomplished.
14. I want to work things out: I want to work things out for today.
15. I’ll always be there for you: I’ll try to as long as I need something from you
Remember this: Never evaluate the words or actions of a sociopath based on what you mean by your words and actions. For a sociopath, it’s all about manipulation.
Oxy and One-step,
I agree with your assessment that he is phishing. He said if son wanted to live with him they could have a good life together. That makes his daughter, what, chopped liver? The only reason he wants son is because he has him under his control.
Another telling comment he made was that he thought of buying the house down the street, then he could spy on me. Oh, and I was just kidding. Really? That’s funny?
I have learned to pay attention to what he says without saying it. You both have learned spath speak so well you know what I’m talking about. They give things away about their true nature via projection and offhand comments they make. I have my radar tuned in.
It really breaks my heart about son getting manipulated. He has always been my sunshine, a very empathetic kid who has a kind heart. Lately he has been avoiding daughter and been unkind to her, so it’s either just teenager stuff (he’s 15) or his dad’s influence. I feel the urge to warn him. Oxy has said to take the high road but dang, that urge is STRONG! I always felt if spath had his way he would ruin him.
Spath said yesterday that I would one day know that he was a really good person and loved me so much, and I would kick myself at how I had let him go. FAT CHANCE! I wonder how delusional he is. He just doesn’t get it, and I really believe he has no conscience. All this time trying to analyze him and the situation and trying to get help, nothing worked because he is beyond help.
It’s weird how I was so idealistic and believed if he could just ‘see’ the way he treated me was hurtful and how he treated daughter and step-daughter needed fixing, he would step up. Well, he finally started treating me and the girls differently and would do anything for me. “just stay in bed, I’ll take care of everything”. It’s just another tactic, nothing real or caring about it.
One-step- I’m still not to where I should be with my narc father. If I’m not too close, he can’t hurt me by his disinterest in my life. He is more excentric than anything and has mellowed alittle with age. I’m glad for you that you have figured your dad out and can deal with him with open eyes. I can’t tell you how proud of daughter I am, she is such a remarkable person.
Thanks for your continued advice, you have been with me through this journey and I treasure every word. I feel very needy and REALLY look forward to the time where I have mostly peace and normal stressors.
I also need to stop feeling bad for him. Bash me with the skillet, please! He wants to go places with me (like dinner and movies) and I don’t want to. Then he looks sad and says I don’t want to go alone. Get that skillet out and wonk me a good one!!!
P.S. I know that it is continued manipulation and control but part of me feels sorry for him!
Dear Hope4joy,
BOINK!!!! Quit feeling sorry for his “sad” arse! Oh, I can just see the pitiful look when he says “I don’t want to go alone” Ahhhhh, it is probably a look very similar to the one my dog gets as he sits on the floor looking up at me during dinner, waiting for a crumb to fall! Pitiful! Pathetic! Or the look he gives me as he eats his dog food, trying to make me feel guilty for making him eat such ordinary DOG food when he should be eating steak, ohhhhh how mistreated he is…just like my dog! Yea, right! And I dont’ feel sorry for the dog either! LOL
I have spent the morning reading all the posts and relating to most of them! It is SO true about the REAL meaning behind their words….that old saying actions speak louder than words comes to mind as well. When we are so tangled in the relationship with them somehow we cannot see or think clearly enough to even recognize the red flags waving!! They try to keep us at bay with neverending deception and in constant chaos and turmoil that has become our life and busy trying to ‘fix” everything so that they are never discovered for their true s-path selves! Many times I was looking at myself as needing fixing since I was to blame in his eyes! I have to admit in my case, I was such a mess I wasn’t sure which end was up and when I did question anything the lies, emotional & mental abuse and cruel treatment sent me back into self blame and trying to make everything okay again….it was a vicious and draining cycle. It has been almost a year since we have been apart now and for the first 7 months I went no contact….mostly because I was afraid he would suck me back in…for the 4th time….and I was fighting the love I felt for a man who never truly existed…the one I fell in love with in the beginning….(that’s how they hook us). Not to mention we have a small child together and he has always been able to play on my deep need for her to have both parents and her family intact. Although everything he DID screamed that he did not love, care, or respect me….he ALWAYS said he did and made excuses and tried to get me back. This time was different, well, maybe it was ME who was changed…which caused extreme anger on his part to the point of trying to completely destroy me and everything to do with my life, including our daughter and he has yet to stop. He is now in the court system again, criminally, looking at felony charges and still blaming ME for everything!! He has informed me by text he may lose his job, will be going to jail…most likely prison….and for the first time that he has realized he has never loved me, respected me, or cared…saying I was a user and have destroyed HIS life!! Somehow THAT cut me like a knife, deep into my soul…for him to finally SAY what he has always shown me in his actions and how he treated me….I had always hung onto the words I love you though, somehow convincing myself they were the truth…so those harsh words WERE the final truth….and I’ve realized it has always BEEN the truth!! It has been hollowing to my very heart and soul and I feel as if I will never fully recover from the pain….yet also so afraid now..of him…what he may do….his threats…and how I will protect my daughter from him….there is no contact and at this point I feel there will never be able to be because it is not a ‘normal’ situation. He is not only a s-path, but an addict, alcoholic, criminal who has no capability of feelings, except anger and hatred. I cannot allow him to destroy our child….as he has already done to 2 others he fathered before ….they are ‘taught s-paths’!! He is an abomination and I am beginning to feel we will have to live in fear of him forever!! I do not respond to his voicemails or texts but it appears to make him even more angry and cruel. Any words of wisdom??
Dear Fooledbyone,
Welcome to Lovefraud, and sorry that you have a need to be here, but since you do you are at the right place.
I do hope that he does go to prison, and is thus out of your life an your child’s life at least for a while. No Contact is the best you can do and YES, it will make him WORSE for a while, but read the book THE GIFT OF FEAR by Gavin de BEcker. That is an important book on how we must NOT allow them to rule us and that we must stay no contact—unless the court says we have to share parenting, and in that case, you fight as much as possible to limit interactions with your child.
You will never get child support from him, but maybe you can use the THREAT of child support payments to get him to leave you and your child alone.
PLAY YOUR CARDS CLOSE TO YOUR CHEST….he will USE your child as a bargaining chip because he knows you love the child and he doesn’t—also, go to the “raising the at risk child” site of Dr. Liane Leedom’s and that will give you some help and support in raising your child with this evil man. LF liks to the site (look on the left side of the screen)
It is a difficult hand you have been dealt, but take care of YOU and your CHILD —in that order! God bless!
FooledbyOne,
Sociopaths do not recognize the error of their ways. In the past, when I tried to correct the h-spath (we’re presently separated) over any of his misdeeds, he has (at times) raged at me, coming up with a multitude of excuses for why he did what he did (that, or he remained quiet, tight-lipped). He never confesses to his “crimes” (is remorseful or truly sorry about what he’s done). It’s only within the past couple of years that I saw the rage exhibited. Now, I’m done, finished trying to set him straight, finally having figured it out internally (thanks to LF and other resources) that the man is “set in his ways” – he’s not going to change. Your ex’s thinking is twisted – nothing that happens to him is your fault – he is trying to blame someone (instead of himself) for the consequences of his actions, thus, you’re the scape goat. I have learned that sociopaths don’t always accurately recall their own personal history (and ours), bending the truth (of the past) to suit their own warped needs. I know it’s hard to not care about this man (you were involved with him), but he is a grown man who is responsible for himself (whether he likes it or not), so he’ll reap what he sows (just like the rest of humanity). Try not to take his words to heart because in the end, they’re just words. He is reacting to a difficult situation that he brought on himself, so he’s trying to pull others’ into his mess, lashing out. Take care.
FooledbyOne,
what Oxy & blueJay said! Lotta wisdom & good advice & total understanding you’ll find here at LF. LF has been a LifePreserver for me. When you need to vent, when you need to listen, when you need to resist, when you need to try to understand, this is the place to come.
Remember: GasLighting. The most important word I’ve learned here. It’s a skill they have: making us think we’re wrong, we’re crazy, bad, worthless. They tip it over on us. And they’ll NEVER admit to their culpability!
Welcome to LF, Fooled.
Welcome Fooled,
I haven’t been here long but I hope you find the comfort and inspiration that you need right now.
soimnotthecrazee1!
Thank you so much for the kind and supportive words of wisdom and references of books Ox…I have been here over the past 4 months on and off while trying to remain sane and find my way forward out of this cesspool and it never ceases to amaze me when I read everyone’s stories and comments! It is both disheartening and informative…helping me to realize exactly WHAT I’m dealing with but at the same time so heartbreaking and destructive to be in the situations we are or have been in and the destruction these spaths cause.
In my case, we were forced out of our home by him numerous times and then manipulated back. During our whole relationship he kept us financially burdened constantly by his irresponsibility, hidden addictions, lies and criminal consequences…ironically all of which still affect us even after we are divorced! I tried to get a protection order in the beginning, but due to the way our laws are written, was unable to, although I believe the judge knew, which is why he ordered an interim restraining order where I got sole custody & parental rights with no visitation even considered. After a few months I allowed supervised visits, but that made him furious and he ended all visitation to ‘punish’ me, but instead crushed our child. He paid no child support for several months, until he hired an attorney & filed for divorce, making wild accusations and even using his own children having them lie in court! I had no choice but to hire an attorney I could not afford and only then did he agree to pay child support but is angry and thinks it’s unfair! He has been extremely bold in court and harrassing to the point the bailiff had to speak to him numerous times…he has continued to call leaving voicemails & sending text messages…all of which I’ve saved and has enlisted his kids and ex in his efforts to harass me. Now with the divorce final, I have primary residence and we have shared parental rights/responsibilities but in the event of disagreement I am allocated all final decisions and as far as contact, I also managed to have it written that all contact is at my discretion. He has already tried to have the child support lowered, imputed income on me that I don’t even make and attempted to get me to agree to visitation. I had to have brief contact with him about that but quickly realized there could be no contact at all, as I had maintained for many months prior. It seems he is off the chain so to speak and still blaming me for everything, so to ‘get my attention’, he’s now been arrested & charged with a felony….did I mention he also put his job in jeopardy prior to this?! My point being, I believe this is his way of getting out of paying child support and ‘punishing’ us….how sick and twisted!! I am quickly realizing that I need to figure out how I can support us on my own and have been doing all that I can to keep us afloat in the meantime. I am hoping to learn as much as I can and have support from others who understand as I try to pull us out of this black seemingly endless hole and NEVER allow myself to be fooled by him again!
Thank you to all for the kind words and support I wish you all healing and happiness as well