Perhaps the hardest thing for those of us targeted by sociopaths to grasp is the extent of their inhumanity.
Sociopaths have no empathy. They do not feel connections to other human beings. We are mere pawns in their games. They view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators, everyone else is prey.
We ask, “How can this be?”
We object, “He said he loved me!” (“She said she loved me!”)
We argue, “I said I was leaving and he cried! He begged me to stay! He said he couldn’t live without me!” (The female sociopath did too.)
Well, let’s take a look at what their words really mean. A Lovefraud reader visited Sociopathworld.com. “They had a discussion going on things they said but what they actually meant to them,” she wrote.
Here’s what our reader sent:
The Cheat-Sheet for What a Sociopath Really Means
1. I love you: I am fond of your companionship and put you above most, but never above me. Consider it an honor.
2. I’m sorry, forgive me: I really do not enjoy the fact that your mood has altered. Please revert back to normal.
3. I’d do anything for you: I’d do plenty to keep you right where I want you to be.
4. My condolences for your loss: *crickets* … It’s just a body. See you later when you aren’t being an emotional train-wreck.
5. S/he fills my heart with joy: I haven’t had this much fun playing in a long time, and the sex is more than acceptable.
6. I love my family: They’re mine.
7. That’s simply shocking: You’ve touched my morbid bone. No need to stop now…
8. Deep down, I feel I’m a good person: I’m not in prison and I stopped abusing animals, mostly. What more can you possibly demand of me?
9. I’m not a monster, I’m a human too: I’m trying to seem human, give me a break. It’s not like this is particularly natural for me.
10. I have feelings too: I feel frustrated when your feelings get in my way.
11. I wouldn’t lie to you: I lie to you every time I say I wouldn’t lie to you.
12. I understand/respect your feelings: I appreciate your feelings because I use them to manipulate you.
13. I never meant to hurt you: mission accomplished.
14. I want to work things out: I want to work things out for today.
15. I’ll always be there for you: I’ll try to as long as I need something from you
Remember this: Never evaluate the words or actions of a sociopath based on what you mean by your words and actions. For a sociopath, it’s all about manipulation.
Dear Fooledbyone,
Good for you it sounds like you have already figured out that he would rather go to prison than pay child support! DUH?! Doesn’t make sense to me but they do not think like the rest of us.
If you can keep him away from your child until the child reaches the age of “reason” (whenever that is) you will be doing your child a favor for sure.
Hang on to your EVIDENCE and make copies and keep in several different places, houses have been known to BURN, so do not trust anything to do with him.
Learn all you can about how they think and what they are capable of and keep yourself safe…maybe he will go to prison for enough time that you can have some peace to get your head back on straight and get your life straight.
Once you have seen that he is the black hole, keep that uppermost in your mind! You did the best you could but now you see the truth…and he will NEVER SEE THE TRUTH or be the truth!
God bless
FooledByOne:
I agree with all of the above advice. My 16-year-old former step-son has NOT benefited at all from contact with his father, the spath, but it has instead ruined his young life. Don’t forget, spath’s do not feel emotions in the same normal way that we do. Tears are crocodile tears; a bit of runny snotty nose and sobbing and shaking with “remorse” thrown in is NOT genuine remorse but a cunningly executed plan to manouvre you (believe me, my ex is the Master of this), an apparently calm and reasonable demeanor on their part is a TRAP set just for you. Your child is only of value to him as a pawn – firstly in the game against you and then as they age, in a game all of their own. Better to do without the $ than to have contact. If he has legal visitation rights for unsupervised contact with the child then can you organise for a neutral drop-off point in a public place and/or for an intermediatory to do the actual handover or if that’s not possible, for a support person/witness to be with you at these times? In Australia, we have agencies that can supervise the child’s contact with a parent whose integrity and safety with a child is questionable. The questionable parent has to pay for the supervision once it’s been court-ordered. This sorts out some of the bad guys; those who don’t think the contact is worth paying for when there is no chance to manipulate the residential parent will often just not have the contact at all. This is better for your child.
“I do not respond to his voicemails or texts but it appears to make him even more angry and cruel. Any words of wisdom?? ” Keep records of all text messages and emails and voicemails. Have copies certified by whoever does that over there (In Oz the police or a Justice of the Peace can do this, no charge). Keep a diary of everything said and done – any contact he either forces or you or that you simply can’t avoid. Put it all in chronological order as you go. It’s a pain in the butt to have to live like this, but will be invaluable evidence if you are ever back in court with him on any grounds in the future – custody or $. It is also a hell of a lot easier than having to think back and remember, especially when your anxiety levels are through the roof. Approach it as part of your “job” now. Show no emotion around him, respond to nothing unless you legally must. Do not let him see if you are sad, riled up or distressed. Breathe deeply and stay calm – remember that this is a chess game – find your poker face and use it at all times when dealing with him. Find the voice that matches your poker face and use it if you must speak directly with him or over the telephone. KEEP RECORDING EVERYTHING UNTIL HE IS DEAD OR LONG GONE!!!! You never know when you will need it – from now on, you can not let down your guard or relax and think that he has gone away OR that anything he does, says or sends you is too trivial to record.
NOTHING they do, say or send is without purpose – everything is part of their master plan.
Aussiegirl,
Could you expound on your 16 year old step-son and what happened? I don’t want to pry and if you feel uncomforable responding, that’s okay.
I will be trying to keep custody of my 15 year old son, I will fight for physical custody but will listen to son’s wishes. The spath has expressed interest in having son stay with him which I think would be detrimental to my son’s emotional health.
I met with a friend today and she had a manipulative dad who tried to say her mom was unfit and take the kids. Her mom was an awesome person who cared very well for her children. Friends testified as to her character and the dad didn’t win custody. The oldest son chose to move in with his dad and later regretted it. He was 16 yrs old. Later he gave his mom a big hug, started crying and said that he wished his mom never let him go.
This is a horrible dilemma for a young boy, I need to be the one who stands up for him. No matter how spath dad tries to portray his image as father of the year (very important to him), he is ill and should not have custody of our son.
Fooled,
sorry you are going through that… I like Aussie’s words of:
NOTHING they do, say or send is without purpose ”“ everything is part of their master plan.
In my experience that applies to reeling you in, in the begening and trying to keep control of you in the end. In the interim at’s about their control over everything. YUKKK!!!
Bless you,
soimnotthecrazee1!!
KEEPING EVIDENCE is very important, even years and YEARS LATER! There were so many times I walked by the big tubbies of letters from my P-son, or after the chaos, the letters from him to his Trojan Horse Psychopath, but I did not throw them out—and they were totally PRICELESS when I went to prepare a presentation to the parole board to keep him in prison.
I have copies of those letters with my attorney, copies in my fire safe and the originals in my storage area, so no matter what happens there will always be copies of them around if I need them.
Even the XXX rated bondage photos of my X-daughter-in-law that were found in the TH-P’s camera I have kept copies of. WHY? Well, you NEVER KNOW when you might need something pertaining to a psychopath for evidence.
Even something “small,” if ADDED UP with 1,000 other “small” things, will show a PATTERN of bad behavior…and sometimes it isn’t the individual thing that is done or said, it is the overall PATTERN of behavior that sticks out.
Also, having EVIDENCE of “bad” behavior sometimes will keep them in Line because they don’t want you to pass it around or post it on the bulletin board at the local post office.
Copies of arrest records (even for small things) copies of past due bills, or anything negative is always good to hold on to….especially if you ever are forced to deal with the Psychopath through co-parenting or any other reason.
To all that have commented I appreciate the responses and everything you all have to share, it is truly a lifevest helping to keep me from drowning in the deep despair and worry I am struggling with everyday. It is definitely true that each day I am away from him and there is no contact the “fog” lifts a little more allowing me to think more clearly, see things for what they really are…mostly what HE really is and always has been. To have ANY contact is absolutely toxic! I believe now with every fiber of my being that I can NEVER allow him contact with our daughter….as he has recently vowed to “tell her the truth even if it takes 20 years”, or if he can’t HIS kids WILL because he’s ‘told them everything’….to think that he would go to those lengths to hurt ME….to destroy and poison his own daughter….yet when I look back at what he’s done already…there is nothing he wouldn’t do, is there?!! I’m going by gut instinct as well as everything I have read from everyone here and it terrifies me!! I want more than anything to move ahead, go forward and make a new life for us but seem to be constantly bombarded by him or his actions or threats…. I wonder can we ever really escape his grasp completely?? Do they ever stop trying to tear us and everything about our lives apart?
I totally second Oxys above post!!!!!!!
NEVER, EVER EVER THROW ANYTHING OUT.
I have receipts from spath back to 1985!!!
His old bank records lost him my rental unit!!!!! 🙂
Couldn’t show he paid for any of it! He NEVER imagined I kept HIS bank records from20 years ago.
There was SO MUCH that I dug up that was helpful, and so much more I have that I will use with the IRS.
I turned over a drug arrest I found buried from 1987 in another state that the DA was asking me about……I just so happened to file it with all his unpaid tix and any ‘legal’ stuff of his……I never knew anything about this…..and I coudn’t find what the arrest was for….he was given probation which he completed……and the charges were dismissed after completen…….BUT….HA FUCKER…..I had the records….
So in his recent drug arrest…..guess what I faxed over to xx state DA’s office……confirms it WASN”T HIS FIRST DRUG ARREST!!!!!
A file box is easy to store….just file it all away…..
I can’t tell you how often, especially in this divorce crap, this has helped me!!!
And when your going through things……look at everything….cards, scrap peieces of paper etc…..it all tells a story!
WOW Ox Drover I am so sorry you have had to go through all of that….and with your own son….my heart goes out to you. As far as the advice on evidence….priceless…thank you! Any idea how to get text messages off my cell phone and printed with all the info that is shown on the original text , including who sent it, time, date, etc. ?? My cell phone company tried and it wouldn’t work. As far as voicemails I have saved them onto a digital recorder. His criminal record as well as marriage/divorce records speak for themselves don’t they? How can I obtain proof about him being investigated for theft at his job and put on administrative leave?
Dear Fooled,
Thanks Fooled, it’s been a long hard road, but I am recovering, actually, better than “recovering” I am doing better than I ever have in many ways. I am PSYCHOPATH-FREE right now in my life, and the only ones are at a DISTANCE.
I’m not sure how to get the text messages off your cell phone, I would think your carrier could do that, but I bet there is some tech-geek kid somewhere that you can find that will know how. I think it is important to get them before something happens to the phone!
How you can obtain proof of his investigation for theft at his job? Not sure on that one as many times the US “privacy” laws or the fear of those laws will keep companies from telling anyone about that sort of thing, same with credit reports—BUT if you have to go to court you can make the company tell it in court…get names and dates and that sort of thing and keep a record of it as much as you know at least.
I hired a private investigator to do a PROFESSIONAL search of records and get me criminal records etc. on the Trojan Horse psychopath—was cheap, $225—and some good information. I could have followed up more on it myself but got all I needed really without doing that, but could have called former neighbors and so on…former land lords etc because I had all that information of who was who and even phone numbers.
Can’t EASILY get ARREST (only) records as without a conviction they don’t give them to you unless you know where to look in each county and so on, but you can get them if you go to that county and DIG, and with addresses and time frames you can put together someone’s life history down to when their mother weaned them from the breast! Just depends on what you need and why! How important it is for you to dig and so on.
I would contact a private investigator if you can afford to at all. I got great information from the one I contacted and wasn’t all that expensive. I got 15 pages of CONVICTIONS on this creep along with 3 convictions for CHILD RAPE! The information I got was a big part of the package I made up for the parole board proving that my P son had known this guy for over a decade, that they had illegally communicated (it is illegal for two convicts in different institutions to write each other) and how they had conspired to hoodwink me by the TH-P renting a house from me and then getting “friendly” with the family via that contact.
I also had letters that the TH-P had saved (he saved everything!) from other of their criminal cohorts about some stock scams they were trying to pull…so all of that was part of the package. Son P had also had the prison system send me copies of his medical records (he did get crapy medical care in prison) and I actually never read them until all this went down–and LO AND BEHOLD–HE HAD A DIAGNOSIS FOR BEING MANIPULATIVE AND HAVING “ASPD TRAITS” and “poor judgment” and so on….hee hee and THAT was part of the package…along with the traits from the DSM-V for ASPD diagnosis. AND the photographs that Son P had e mailed out of the prison on his smuggled cell phone. I KEPT EVERYTHING and thank goodness the psychopathic trojan horse did too…it all would bite them in the butt!
One of the BEST pieces of advice I have ever been given is to NEVER PUT ANYTHING ON PAPER THAT YOU WOULD NOT WANT TO BE PUBLISHED IN THE MORNING PAPER OVER YOUR NAME.
And, I would expound on that by saying “NEVER throw away something that might later be of great use to you in the terms of evidence of financial transactions.”
When it comes to throwing out documents like check records, tax records, etc. BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY—I have rubber tubbys labeled for each year, and at the end of a year, if a tubby is not “full” I may combine 2-3 years into one tubby and relabel it, but they don’t actually take up that much room to store, and if I DO need to find something like a check stub, I can go to the year/s box, and under “checks” folder and PRESTO, there is is.
With the new bank accounts not giving you back pictures of your checks, I have been changing accounts to get the ones who do send you copies of the checks. Not too long ago I found copies of checks over ten years ago that proved I paid someone for something they were claiming I didn’t pay them for.
Freedom:
First off……Good luck tomorrow!!!!
Keep your head on straight, and remember….court is LEGAL…a divorce is the end of a business arrangement ONLY….a therapist is for the emotional dealings….NOT THE COURT! Keep your emotions in check!
Secondy……his comment of “” I will not be subject to the laws of the U.S. ” Is simply not true. YES…it’s harder to prosecute someone for non compliance…..in another couontry…find them nonetheless….
This is why you go after any assets PRIOR to rather than relying on his payment to you…..POINT THIS OUT IN COURT.
He hasn’t complied with any payments…..take assets in leu of….due to the fact he’s a foreigner and will leave on a dime…..per HIS words.
Spaths don’t comply…..don’t expect it….this is the reason I went after ALL assets. and got em!
Now I hunt his ass down for his measly 300 monthly CS.
That’s okay…..doesn’t serve him to have me snooping around in his life……but if that is what it takes….okay.
The DNA and ‘I don’t know if it’s my kid’, is standard op procedure for a spath…..it will be taken into consideration with the judge….along with non payment/support.
Don’t give it a thought! you will be ‘rewarded’ for this. NOT a new game.
Take what you can now…..and keep in mind, measure the risk of him leaving the country with child…..make sure you don’t allow him a passport with child. Have that wrtiiten in to decree.
BUT….in the end….it’s all just a piece of paper when he disappears.
Keep your head up……in court tomorrow….do NOT let him intimidate you….and keep your eye on the focus….sit back and appear relaxed in your chair….and look at him….he will be off balanced by this….especially if your used to looking away from him.
Pretend like your in a board meeting and it’s YOU who’s president of your company…..and it’s YOU RUNNING THAT MEETING MONDAY!!!!
Good luck…..let us know how it goes…..we are here!
XXOOEB