Perhaps the hardest thing for those of us targeted by sociopaths to grasp is the extent of their inhumanity.
Sociopaths have no empathy. They do not feel connections to other human beings. We are mere pawns in their games. They view the world as predators and prey—they are the predators, everyone else is prey.
We ask, “How can this be?”
We object, “He said he loved me!” (“She said she loved me!”)
We argue, “I said I was leaving and he cried! He begged me to stay! He said he couldn’t live without me!” (The female sociopath did too.)
Well, let’s take a look at what their words really mean. A Lovefraud reader visited Sociopathworld.com. “They had a discussion going on things they said but what they actually meant to them,” she wrote.
Here’s what our reader sent:
The Cheat-Sheet for What a Sociopath Really Means
1. I love you: I am fond of your companionship and put you above most, but never above me. Consider it an honor.
2. I’m sorry, forgive me: I really do not enjoy the fact that your mood has altered. Please revert back to normal.
3. I’d do anything for you: I’d do plenty to keep you right where I want you to be.
4. My condolences for your loss: *crickets* … It’s just a body. See you later when you aren’t being an emotional train-wreck.
5. S/he fills my heart with joy: I haven’t had this much fun playing in a long time, and the sex is more than acceptable.
6. I love my family: They’re mine.
7. That’s simply shocking: You’ve touched my morbid bone. No need to stop now…
8. Deep down, I feel I’m a good person: I’m not in prison and I stopped abusing animals, mostly. What more can you possibly demand of me?
9. I’m not a monster, I’m a human too: I’m trying to seem human, give me a break. It’s not like this is particularly natural for me.
10. I have feelings too: I feel frustrated when your feelings get in my way.
11. I wouldn’t lie to you: I lie to you every time I say I wouldn’t lie to you.
12. I understand/respect your feelings: I appreciate your feelings because I use them to manipulate you.
13. I never meant to hurt you: mission accomplished.
14. I want to work things out: I want to work things out for today.
15. I’ll always be there for you: I’ll try to as long as I need something from you
Remember this: Never evaluate the words or actions of a sociopath based on what you mean by your words and actions. For a sociopath, it’s all about manipulation.
Findingmyself:
I’m not sure if I’m allowed/supposed to do this but I’m sure that someone out there will tell me if it’s a “no-no”.
I have just read, then copied and pasted this from a different thread, because I felt you should read it. xx
Deceived says:
VIOLATORS OF THE HEART
The associations of your past can drag you down and hold you back. They can keep you from fulfilling your potential. Violators of the Heart. These are relationships that prey on your heart and rob you of control over your life. Don’t give power to any person to manipulate you and control you. No person can make you lose your joy, your mind, your temper, or any other aspect unless you give that person the power. Don’t do it!
The most dangerous violator of the heart is the person who tells you what you want to hear. It is the person who strokes your ego and tells you words of affection that you are desperate to hear, all in an effort to get what they want from you. Violators take advantage of the “needs” in your life, especially the needs to be loved and accepted. They aren’t concerned about your blessings or your destiny. They are concerned only about what they want. They are takers, not givers.
You MUST identify and accept the reality of an out-of-balance relationship. At times, you need to take stock of the situation and admit to yourself that a relationship just isn’t working. All of your efforts at helping or rehabilitating a person have failed. It is at that point that you need to walk away as you say, “I have done all that I can do. ”
Progressively end unhealthy relationships. It takes emotional energy to end a relationship, cut unhealthy relationships out of your life one at a time until you can look around you and say, All of my relationships are ones in which there is mutual give-and-take, a mutual blessing, a mutual edification. I am on the same wavelength with those who are close to me when it comes to values, beliefs, and goals.”
Walk away from an unhealthy relationship WITH THE FULL INTENT that YOU WILL NOT revisit that relationship in the future. You should not have the intent to come back to the relationship. Make a clean break. Make a definitive break. Find the people who are starving for what you offer! Find people who want who you are, what you give, and what you celebrate.
GO WHERE YOU ARE CELEBRATED, NOT TOLERATED!!!
(A friend gave this to me and it comforted me and I drew courage and strength from it. I hope this helps you too like it did me).
Findingmyself:
In this world of spathyhood……we must find a balance.
We can’t sacrafice our own emotions and mental health for another.
It sounds as if your need to contact him is to suffice your own guilt.
Only YOU must weigh that ‘ending’.
What are YOU hoping for in contacting him? Are you thinking you can comfort him? Are you thinking your actions will negate your guilt and ‘redeem’ yourself from your prior wishes?
Do you believe you are worthy of any further ‘abusive’ behaviors to take away this ‘wrong’ doing/thinking on your behalf?
Just realize…..HE WON”T CHANGE…..heart issues or a lightning strike…….
You already know how your good heart will be manipulated.
You thinking you can comfort him is fine…..because if this was you in his position….YOU would want someone there for you. BUT KNOW….spaths don’t think this way……it’s another opening to ‘you’……the minute he’s better…..he’ll be back to his old games of hurt and abuse.
THEY DON”T CHANGE!
Once you open back up that door…….where do you ‘end’ it? Close it again? ARE YOU really in control of that?
Is it once he’s released? Once you’ve made all the chicken soup you can make, do you cart him back and fro to apts’ for the next 6 months? Do you move back in because Dr’s don’t want him alone?
Set your boundaries…..and stick to them.
If you went no contact…..did you decide and commit to yourself……well…..I will remain NC only while he’s a jerk to me? I will remain NC unless he get’s sick?
I understand your purre heart…….but you also must learn to understand it.
How far are you willing to go for him/give up for him……and ask yourself…..how much control over this do you really have?
Can you cure him by your presence or caretaking?
You can send him good thoughts and prayers…..without getting involved again……..
If you havne’t explored the Trauma bond…..do so.
This might just be what your wrestling with currently.
Be careful……you NEVER know what’s behind door #3!
YOU must come first…..and nobody else will put you there.
Thank you all for your time and responses, I really appreciate you all. Lets see, where to start…
Hens, thanks for the reply. You seem to be in the minority.
One_step, I know, I know its not an even playing field. Its not about hoping for “normalcy” or “changing the past”, nothing can change the past or the future for that matter. I have finally given up the hope that THAT would ever happen. Tried to many times, with the same outcome-hurt, pain, disappointment. I am not wanting to “go back” at all. I am passed that.
aussiegirl, no he’s not faking. His ex wife and I have each others contact numbers. We had spoke many times over the years. She wasn’t sure where “we were” in terms of our relationship. The last I told her, many months back, was that I was done (again). But she knows we have been on again, off again for a couple of years. She is the one who contacted me. My ex and I live 5 states apart. When he had his heart attack years ago, I didn’t know where the hell he was for a couple of days (he never disappeared like that). That’s when his ex wife and I exchanged numbers. I asked her to contact me if anything ever happened. Which she felt this was “something” and again, was unsure of where things were between us. And thank you for passing on VIOLATORS OF THE HEART!
EB: I know he will never change. I am very well aware of the trauma bond, yes it was exactly how I got so hooked into him. I understand exactly what you are saying regarding NC. I wouldn’t be “there” to help in any way. We live 5 states apart. I’m not looking to go running to his side. I don’t want to re-open a door to going “back” to him. I know it sounds contradictory that I wanted to make a phone call, with no intent on “going back” in that way to him. I can’t cure him, I can’t help him. I know this! Damn, I don’t know what I am saying.
We picked the people who were presented to us. But, that is not who those people were. How can anyone not help to be confused by it all? It is a confusing situation. And intended to be so.
It reminds me of the light string which comes from the attic as we get ready to decorate for Christmas. And the thing is so tangled that we say “screw it” and throw it out and replace it with a new one.
Its just not worth untangling the mess. Because you can’t. The loops and twists are endless. And all without truth or meaning.
It is a waste of time.
And its hard to accept that our time has been wasted. We all want to believe that something was real or of value.
I believe what was of value was learning to say NO. And if it took so long, so be it. But to all the nonsense: no.
I remember the early months after the “insult” was hauled off to prison (Surprise!) how I was hoping to find something redeeming. And I researched lots of theories based on things he said to me. None of them panned out. None of them. And it became clearer and clearer what is true.
Hard to accept that I was fooled like that, but impossible to deny what really happened. I was caught in the tangle and the only answer that did and ever will make sense was: no.
And it took time for my feelings and my knowings to align. Because the whole situation was out of alignment from the beginning. Over time, there was nothing to say. Over time there was no part of the tangle which is interesting to discuss.
With Anyone.
Its a confusing situation that becomes more and more clear over time. Stick to what you know is true and let your feelings align with it, over time.
Findingmyself:
If I am right (which would be an unusual, yet pleasant experience for me…) I think you are saying this:
You are – and always have been – a kind-hearted and generous spirit, a person who tries to live a moral and compassionate life and to not lower yourself to the woeful standards you sometimes bump up against in life. In the style of true Christianity (and/or humanitarianism), you give others the benefit of the doubt, you help where there is a need and you have a capacity – and you turn the other cheek when offended.
Two things, though – the expression Jesus used when he was talking about being “struck on the cheek”, covered situations of rudeness and offense; ignorance and stupidity that could be overlooked by a person with a higher spiritual calling and a loftier purpose in life than those doing the “striking”. He did not included people like Gehazi, Heroditas, Judas Iscariot, Cain or anyone else in the Bible whose stories were told as a warning against premeditated and malicious scheming to bring about the downfall of an innocent person or to defraud for personal gain.
That sort was happily struck down throughout the Bible record. God himself was their judge – and who would dare to argue with HIM, if he had spoken? So – are sociopaths stupid, clumsy, ignorant fools, blundering their way through life stepping on toes and “striking” others because they know – or can learn – no better? Or are they deliberate plotters and planners – without mercy or compassion? What would God have done to them, were their stories a part of the Bible record?
The principles laid down in the Bible are excellent moral guidance for people of any faith or belief system – even Ghandi (who was not Christian in his faith), admitted as much. But they must be taken in context. “Turning the other cheek”, “being the better person” and allowing yourself to be “injured 77 times” are all advised in a particular context and should be applied only within that context – otherwise we miss their entire meaning. Jesus wasn’t a martyr for any old cause that sounded like the right thing to do – his sacrifice had a specific and God-ordained purpose to it. It was pre-approved….
The second thing – “you help where there is a need and you have a capacity”. If you are at risk in ANY way of a single kind act on your part – such as a card in the post expressing your sympathy for a genuinely awful encounter with a life-threatening illness, which there is no doubt that this is – initiating a sequence of events (however infrequent and innoccuously they may at first begin) that could breach your VOW TO YOURSELF for NO CONTACT, then you really DON’T have a capacity in that instance, do you?
Thank you all for all your warm thoughts prayers and legal advice.
Here is what happened in court……………
LIES!!!!!!!! LIES!!!!!!!! AND MORE LIES!!!!!!!!!
Accoridng to him, I am the scum of the Earth. I am violet, angry, money hungry ….I’ve had multiple illict affairs with men and women but I’m a great mother and my daughter loves me dearly. According to him….He has had primary custody of our daughter all her life until I asked for child support…then i refused to allow him to see her…however he has always been able to see her at school and he has picked her up there countless times with my permission.
Of course there was the normal gas lighting each time he got caught in a lie. He said that I was secretly taking bith control our entire marriage and had him beleving that I was unable to have children. (BTW, I have a 22 yr old son from my first marriage …so it’s obvious that i can have children) He said that I carefully orchestrated a plot to have a child by him to get money. He said i’ve never gotten pregnant in 5 yrs of marriage… that was a lie as well, I had 2 miscarrages and he was there for both. This was the best…. he told them that when i conceived my daughter he slept with me only once and it lasted less than 5mins!!!!! LMAO.. THAT IS TRUE!!!!!!!! But what man owns up to that who is not a Spath??????
This clown went through EVERY emotion imaginable on the stand in a span of 5 mins… he smiled, he laughed, he cried , he got upset, he yelled….the whole 9 yrds! The thing that was priceless for me was when he accused me of being extremly violent and battering and abusing him… my attorney asked him if he ever sought therapy for that. He responded…. “no, that’s a cultural thing…and in my culture we don’t do that… I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED FOR 8 YRS AS A CHILD AND I NEVER HAD THERAPY FOR THAT. It is just recent that I’ve even told people about it.. i’ve talked to my lawyer and some other people just recently.” That opened a door for me bigtime. I have been wishing that i could make him have a psych eval…. well, after that statement… I told me attorney to request one from the judge b/c i need to know that he is stable enough to care for my child b/c he has never received therapy for his childhood abuse.
I really believe that the judge could see that he is a nut job. He as asking ME for alimony…. he makes about $90,000 yr and I make about $20K. I said i wanted my daughter or major holidays b/c he doesnt celebrate them.. the judge asked him if he does and he said yes….she said, “do you have a xmas tree” and he said no, not yet. then she told him that he could not have her xmas and thanksgiving so pick one and of course he picked xmas. do you all know this fool just text me 10 mins ago and asked if she’s going out of town for thanksgiving???? Why??????? You asked for xmas!
Anway, in the custody matter he was asking for full custody of my daugher ( and I would get visitation) and if not full custody then joint custody with equal time. HE DIDN’T GET IT!!!! He got every other wknd and 3 hrs for dinner on wed. The judge said she would not interupt day b/c school is her social like so he has to return her to me by 7pm. She has him picking her up from school on fri and returning her on mon morning. So i only have to see him to return her on weds at 7….and we meet at the police station.
One last thing… about him leaving the country. I told the judge that i never wanted him to be able to travel out of the state and esp the country with my daughter b/c he said that he would take her. He said that he would NEVER do that… after court, I forwarded the email that he sent to me stating that he would NEVER leave his child and that he was planning to return there to pursue his political career.
I had all my documents to prove his lies and i was extremely calm… I believe he has shown the judge who he is.. and she can see clearly by the terms in his documents that he’s insane!!!!
Dear Freedom,
Does you child have dual citizenship or a passport? Ask that the court keep her passport, or some neutral third party so he cann’t take her out of the country.
EB also listed some agency that will keep a watch and notify you if a parent applies for a passport for a child or put a watch on if they are trying to sneak them out of the country. That might help to make sure he doesn’t get her out of the country.
Hopefully he will also lose interest in the child (after all she is a girl, so probably not culturally significant to him) since he will not be able to get to you and that is the whole point of the visitation I am sure.
You mentioned that AFTER COURT you forwarded copies of the emails proving him a liar—make a document box with the documents FILED so you can EASILY FIND them, and take that with you back to court from here on in EVERY TIME you go to court so you can PROVE THE LIE ON THE SPOT sending the proof AFTER court is over most times doesn’t help any because the judge has ruled by then.
Aussiegirl,
The thing you posted was VERY GOOD but if it is off another blog or site and you copied it verbatum it is not “fair use” on copyright so it is best to post a LINK to something rather than copy and paste. I don’t think there would be a problem in copying something from LF from another link though,, and you didn’t say where you got it. But it was GREAT!!!! Though good pick!
SILVER!!! Hey, great to see you GF
Findingmyself, I totally agree with Aussiegirl and the others (except Henry–BOINK!) that any contact with him is opening up yourself for more pain.
Just because someone is old and/or very ill does not mean that they are not just as evil as they were before they got old and/or sick. My egg donor is 82–she has already had a couple of light strokes, and she doesn’t have a great deal of “life expectancy” does that mean I have to contact her? Break NO contact because she is old and getting more infirm? I don’t think so.
Cardiomyopathy patients can live for years and years, and yes, their ability to walk or run and jump is decreased but so is mine and I don’t have cardiomyopathy, I’m just getting older and don’t have the strength I did.
If you were COMPLETELY NO contact you would not even know the state of his health, so actually the NO contact was broken by you allowing yourself to find out about his state of health. If you had not broken the “emotional NO contact” you wouldn’t be asking yourself now “what should I do”?
My suggestion is that you IMPLEMENT COMPLETE NO CONTACT and quit following up on, or allowing anyone else to give you information about him or his welfare.
He IS BEING ALLOWED TO CONTINUE TO HURT YOU AND SLATHER GUILT ALL OVER YOU—so your contact might as well be as FRESH AS YESTERDAY.
The purpose of NO contact is just for this so that they cannot HURT US WITH NEW INJURIES OR GUILT. You are sucking up the guilt because SATAN is SICK…>???? Well, first off.
1) FORGIVE yourself for saying unkind things to the person who was HURTING YOU. It happened because you were in pain from their injury. God can forgive you, but you must also FORGIVE YOURSELF.
2) make a vow of TOTAL NO CONTACT so that he cannot hurt you again, or elicit your PITY.
3) Use this episode as a NOTICE that you have a great deal of work to do on YOURSELF and your own healing. The guilt and the pain and questioning you are feeling is totally proof that you still have some heavy duty work to do. Start with asking yourself why you are feeling this guilt and why you haven’t forgiven yourself. It is a starting place! (((Hugs)))) and God bless.
Ox,
You are correct, the judge has ruled, but this was for temp custody… We have to return to court for a perm. ruling in Jan. My attorney actually had that email with her in court but at that point my lawyer only had about 2 mins left to question him. I sent it to her again just as a reminder. So, In this case it will help with the perm ruling for custody. I’m pretty sure that she will rule that he can not take her out of the country. I didnt see the post where EB listed the agency but I do need that info. I will look for it but if any of you come across it first please post it again. I really need that.
CALLING EB!!!! see freedom’s above post about the agency for the kids’ pass ports!
She may see this and if that doesn’t work, will do it daily until she does. She has a memory and I don’T! LOL She’s also had to deal with a bunch of this kind of stuff, her kids were kidnapped by her X while she was ill with cancer so she’s been through the wringer!
I hope you have time to get your box of stuff organized so you can find it at a second’s notice and when he lies—BINGO, “YER HONOR, HERE’S HIS E MAIL WHICH SAYS DIFFERENT” NAIL HIM ON THE SPOT. It will require more than anything that you remember what is in those e mails and come up with some filing system where you can locate them quickly. I know it is difficult to even THINK in those stress filled court sessions—but I will keep you in my prayers! Try to think ahead of him so you can prove what a liar he is.
If your child is old enough, get her to “testify” to him getting her an xmas tree (or not) in front of a third party who can then testify on the stand. Like have a friend who is willing to testify in court ask the child “Sally, what fun things did you and daddy do at Christmas? Did you enjoy the christmas tree?” What did you have for christmas dinner? etc.
Also you might want to tape record this conversation just in case. Be SURE NOT to “lead” the child. Just open ended questions?
Good luck!