Sociopaths as much as anything exploit your faith in them”¦over and over again.
In many ways this captures the essence of sociopathy in particular, and exploitation in general: The sociopath, or exploiter, seduces your faith, only then to intentionally violate it.
The more seriously you take him, the more you are vulnerable; the more vulnerable you are, the more the exploiter is licking his chops.
And so the sociopath, or any exploiter, wants you to take him seriously! Indeed it’s his modus operandi to accumulate currency and credibility with you—the more the better, as this better ripens you, better fattens you, for the payoff he’s chasing.
Not all exploiters “get off’ on the suffering you’ll incur arising from their exploitation. Sadistic ones will; they’ll derive a portion of their satisfaction, if not their motivation to exploit, from your pain.
But more often the sociopath is flatly uninterested in your “expense.” He neither relishes, nor regrets, it deeply. What interests him, again, is his payoff; his prospective gain, not your loss, concerns him principally.
And so a core aspect of exploitation lies in the exploiter’s purposeful grooming of the faith of his victims, only then to purposely betray that faith.
And in cases of sociopathy there is the additional heartless indifference to the victim’s experience of that betrayal. Indeed, one measure of the depth of his heartlessness and audacity is the sociopath’s tendency to repeat this cycle regularly, abusing old and perhaps fresh victims.
When you think about it, what sociopaths and other exploiters prey upon—our faith—is what most of us are naturally inclined to give. We want to have faith in others. We want to believe that others will have our backs, not stab our backs in order to take something from us and then leave us, heartlessly, to grapple alone in confusion and despair.
We want to believe that, God forbid, were we lying on a deserted roadside, grievously wounded, that that stranger approaching us will have the intention to help us, and not, while issuing kind, reassuring words, to lift our wallets.
And so it’s no big accomplishment to exploit others. Sociopaths and all exploiters are going after something that’s as easily coaxed as it ought to be honored and safeguarded—our faith.
(My use of “he” in this article was strictly for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
I put the betrayal bond on hold at the library the other day.
it’s noon. I cannot move. it’s another day when i will lose half or more of my time to being unable to move on my own behalf. i eat and i remain frozen.
okay – this week:
contacted a big pharm for comapssionate access to medication i need, and got enough samples of the med from the doc to last me this next month.
took part in a project with the local economic development board that put me in the room with 30 movers and shakers in this town. i came out with a fist full of business cards, and an invite to a service club brekfast. these things are all important – there is alsmost no work in this town and piss poor paying contract is up in feb.
i picked up two (count ’em) boxes. I don’t know that the fuck i am doing, but i think i am moving. no wheels, and it snowed like crazy this week, so 2 boxes with active arthritis needs to be noted.
i challenged someone without getting ugly or backing down
i called a couple of local agencies re help with rent food and utilities. wish i had called BEFORE i dumped a part of the disconnect notice on the plastic, cause they would have helped.
deicded ihave to pay the @.......#$%^& landlord the rent. and will do that today. i was trying to leverage withhold to get some things addressed that i can’t live with , but he is a bigger bully than i can ever aspire to be. and i just don’t have the energy.
i managed to focus long enough to get some of my job done.
_____________-
As i get heavier physically it feels like the weight of my mind. it is quite negative right now. pieces of things the spath said and did swim up to the surface and infect me. i think i am depressed. i need to fight that. i am so F&&^% isolated – no money, lacking some of the perscriptions that would make the pain in my body less, lacking freinds and family that would help with the isolation.
i have this response to people right now – i just wanna lie and manipulate – i see it around me in my father and in the spath (she’s still at it gleefully trolling away as a nasty rent boy on the web) – and yes their souls are hollow. i understand that this desrie to act out is a response to what i have endured. but it’s no good. and i knwo it’s because i don’t have enough love and care in my life. and i don’t have a safe palce to live and even trying to figure that out keeps me locked in my head and in bed.
i am in trouble. and i am trying to be where i am. it is so hard – my house isn’t safe and i work form home, so am constantly on the prowl for a place to work out of. with the snow and the injuries i have, trudging around in the snow with my computer and files is really hard – but i have to stay out of the house for many hours a day or i am ill from it.
it is hard to write here. i was duped via the internet, and my trust is pretty cracked. i get triggered by phrases that look like ‘hers’ and i feel some kind of malignancy of her view of people has infected me. i have been very open and now i see that that is one of the things that has made me a target.
i feel like a turtle – head out, head in, retract limbs into shell and don’t move.
help.
one step
one step,
You aren’t alone, hon. There are people HERE who get what you are saying. We all have these times. I’m in the middle of one of them myself. I do what has to be done and I’ve found that focusing on what I HAVE done leads me to wanting to do more. I like the feeling of accomplishment. Lifting 2 boxes is huge for one with arthritis. Give yourself points for that.
If there is one safe place to be, THIS IS IT. I know that I have been on other sites, read what’s been there and I come here and I am calmed. Like I am nowhere else. I don’t always write, I read a lot.
At least you see and recognize what being around your EX has done and when we can pinpoint it, we can work on it. NOT knowing where to start is the worst. You know. Sending you mucho.. HUGS…
Anshel,
Thank you for sharing. So much of what you have written resonates with me as well. MY room became the place I went to because it was the ONE place my ex wouldn’t enter. For some reason, this was a place that he recognized as all mine. It wasn’t always like this. For awhile, it was a battleground as well. When I pressed charges the first time, it changed. In my room, there was no games, no lies, cheating and stealing and no hurtful words. I still go there and find peace, solace and me when things get rough. I know, in time, this won’t be the case, but for now it’s OK.
You made me think about something I never saw in my lifestyle before. I have spent the majority of my life with those who like to control, play games and manipulate. It’s an eye opener I must now go and look at, but I thank you.
LF is wonderful and the people on here just KNOW when I talk about something on here. I come here for my daily fix of “I’m not the crazy one.” What a blessing!
Thank you again,
Cat
hi cat,
i feel so close to the edge. i have moments of energy, then i just STOP, completely feeling like i can’t affect my situation.
oy.
Dear LF friends,
My therapist has recommended a book called “Safe People” by Cloud and Townsend. It is about how to tell which people are emotionally safe to have relationships with. I have requested it from the library.
Anshel, I also live in the Denver area close to Aurora. I am saddened to hear that there is yet another sociopath in this town. 🙁 I hope I never run into her.
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. 10 years is such a long time to invest in a relationship with a con artist. Though the relationship that led me to this site only lasted a few months (because I’m getting stronger), I had a 3-year relationship with a man who was emotionally unavailable. We kept breaking up and getting back together, and every time I went back, I was a little more invested in the relationship. I remember thinking that deep down he must really love me even though he didn’t act like it. When I found out after 3 years that he had never loved me, I felt like I’d been run over by a mac truck. I can only imagine how you feel after 10 years.
You sound to be in a very rational and good place, though, and I believe that in the course of your healing you will get to the core of what made you attract these people in the first place, and that will release you from the destructive cycle.
Blessings,
Star
Dear one step,
For what it’s worth, I admire you for your strength, and I feel it builds character in a person. The people I admire the most have gone through similar things.
Most of my adult life can be characterized by having to carve out an emotional space to heal from betrayals around all kinds of crazy living/work situations. It was really hard, but I learned how strong and self-sufficient I can be. Throughout most of these years I resented that there was so little help and support for me–no loving family, no community services, no money for therapy. I struggled for so long getting on my feet. And the struggles paid off, as I am now very self-sufficient. I learned that I really didn’t need anyone to take care of me but me. The thing I admire most about myself is my resourcefulness. Having to survive can teach a person how to be very resourceful, and I feel this is a great asset in life.
Hey, Stargazer:
How’s life treating you? Things work out with the creatures at Citi Mortgage?
I’m still doing the unemployment shuffle. I’m trying hard not to get depressed, but 10 months out of work and no end in sight is starting to really get to me. I’m determined not to let it ruin my holidays — basically I’m taking the position that nothing is going to happen on the employment front until after the holidays, so I may as well enjoy them.
Things are working out really well with the new guy. Actually, since it’s been 6 months, so I guess he really doesn’t qualify as a new guy anymore. Still, every day that I spend with him I discover the joys that a healthy, non=S relationship has to offer. Imagine, a partner who is supportive, kind, loving, trustworthy, non-secretive, non-texting, emotionally and sexually available, non=manipulative, etc, etc. Basically, everything the S wasn’t. What a novel concept, huh?
one-step-at-a-time:
I think it was you who asked me how many people it takes to bring a class action suit. That’s hard to say. A court has to certify what a class is.
Hi Matt,
yes, it was me.
I am not familiar with class action suits. A very public dupe of the spath’s is suing her for fraud. I have recently been in touch with her, and she mentioned class action. She has heard from a number of other women the spath conned.
I am taking it real slow with this woman – my trust is pretty cracked right now. It took me weeks to verify an article written in a weekly was ‘non fiction’ and then i whirled around in circles trying to figure out the court system, and finally just asked her for the info, cause I know i could check the court case out online through the county clerks office – as soon as I knew which county it was in. It all checks out, so I want to help her if I can. I have mail from the spath, etc. that verifies that this same person is still doing the same shit.
I am going to call her lawyer and the DA, but i am taking it slow. I have a really bad housing situaiotn right now and I can’t get caught up in this – or put myself in the position that the spath can hurt my reputation; i am way too close to the edge as it is. But in the long term I have to do something. I must get myself safe, but i also must look into what I can do legally. I have no money to hire a lawyer, but i can help this ohter woman – the pyscho bitch needs to be slowed down.
one step
Hey Matt,
So glad things are working out with the new guy! And lord, if YOU’re not marketable, there’s little hope for the rest of us….
Citimortgage came through at the very last minute and offered me a loan modification. It’s not a great one, but they let me bank 8 month’s worth of mortgage payments, so I now have a cushy emergency fund. I’m good for now. If I ever want to leave this place, though, I have to do a short sale to get out. The other thing about a loan mod, if I am ever a day late on the payment, I will automatically be in foreclosure.
I am tentatively trying to move on in the rest of my life with my housing situation settled, but I keep running up against a brick wall with my inability to form deep bonds with people. This affects every aspect of my life. I am working on this but having a lot of setbacks. I am on the verge of going back to school for more training, either in massage or some other field, but I don’t know if I am emotionally ready to handle it yet. I also have a guy on my reptile site who is very interested in me. I like him too, but I have put up so many walls with him that he pegged me right away as having major trust issues. What’s even worse than just being alone is trying to open up to someone and finding that I am inadvertently pushing them away. So apparently I’m not ready to let love into my life yet. 🙁
That’s where I’m at. I would like to have a breakthrough so badly. As soon as I get through some of these issues, I know things will start improving in my life. But at least I have a beautiful condo, for now, which I’m grateful for.