Sociopaths as much as anything exploit your faith in them”¦over and over again.
In many ways this captures the essence of sociopathy in particular, and exploitation in general: The sociopath, or exploiter, seduces your faith, only then to intentionally violate it.
The more seriously you take him, the more you are vulnerable; the more vulnerable you are, the more the exploiter is licking his chops.
And so the sociopath, or any exploiter, wants you to take him seriously! Indeed it’s his modus operandi to accumulate currency and credibility with you—the more the better, as this better ripens you, better fattens you, for the payoff he’s chasing.
Not all exploiters “get off’ on the suffering you’ll incur arising from their exploitation. Sadistic ones will; they’ll derive a portion of their satisfaction, if not their motivation to exploit, from your pain.
But more often the sociopath is flatly uninterested in your “expense.” He neither relishes, nor regrets, it deeply. What interests him, again, is his payoff; his prospective gain, not your loss, concerns him principally.
And so a core aspect of exploitation lies in the exploiter’s purposeful grooming of the faith of his victims, only then to purposely betray that faith.
And in cases of sociopathy there is the additional heartless indifference to the victim’s experience of that betrayal. Indeed, one measure of the depth of his heartlessness and audacity is the sociopath’s tendency to repeat this cycle regularly, abusing old and perhaps fresh victims.
When you think about it, what sociopaths and other exploiters prey upon—our faith—is what most of us are naturally inclined to give. We want to have faith in others. We want to believe that others will have our backs, not stab our backs in order to take something from us and then leave us, heartlessly, to grapple alone in confusion and despair.
We want to believe that, God forbid, were we lying on a deserted roadside, grievously wounded, that that stranger approaching us will have the intention to help us, and not, while issuing kind, reassuring words, to lift our wallets.
And so it’s no big accomplishment to exploit others. Sociopaths and all exploiters are going after something that’s as easily coaxed as it ought to be honored and safeguarded—our faith.
(My use of “he” in this article was strictly for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Steve
Thank you, thank you…you articulate the impossible, you put words on and nail it time and time again. You say:
‘The sociopath, or exploiter, seduces your faith, only then to intentionally violate it.’
for me it was traumatic, I collapsed and agonised because of the LIES he told me that I believed…but they were empty lies that really destroyed my attempts to relate…and I had fallen in love with him???!!!!!
its toxic. And like a cloud of smoke it can choke and kill. I wasn’t in love with the P. I was in love with the lies he spun….
Stayingsane,
‘I wasn’t in love with the P. I was in love with the lies he spun.’
thank you for this. i went walking today, in the wind and rain (god bless this warm winter) and did some gestalt work with myself, around this issue.
my spath sent me many pictures of himself. beautiful lovely pictures that supported ‘the story’. these were not ‘him’. he is not that age, gender or anything else. some of the spath’s REAL likes (as listed in other places on the web) were given as the likes of the boy….i doubt that anyone can make up a story completely devoid of their own personalities, likes and dislikes, but i digress.
it was all a lie. maybe it is easier to know that, in my situation as all of ‘him and his family were sockpuppets’- but in a way, especially when I didn’t know WHO this person was (or were), only that he did not die, and was a liar – it had its own nightmare quality; I didn’t know WHO it was/ WHO they were, so they could BE ANYONE. it creeped me the f$$K out.
Knowing who helps. a lot. before i knew who i was dealing with having ‘him’ call me on what i call ‘resurrection day’ was helpful too. i knew he wasn’t dead, but i couldn’t figure what WAS going on. and i still loved that being who had been spun. so i was thankful to know ‘he’ was alive and that ‘he let me know’. that conversation lasted 5 hours. and i watched ‘him’ spin a whole story within the story to explain his absence. he went to, ‘my bf’ is mean and keeping me hostage. i guess he thought that would work with me, still. i wished him luck with it. and that was the last contact with that sockpuppet.
Thing is, I know that the spath WANTS me to know that it was her, AND that the sockpuppet who was so vocal when i outed the non death/existance of the bf (i didn’t know WHAT i was dealing with at that time – just knew it was bullshit).
so, THERE is the desire to hurt. right there. and she has tried in lots of ways – the histrionics of one sock p, the threats of another, and letting me know that she is also the histrionic one.
I need to learn more about what they do when outed. I wish i’d had the lovefraud handbook a few months ago – cause i could have seen the puzzle pieces coming into place. now I have the resources here to figure some of this out, and make decisions about how to proceed (how she will probably respond if I help with a legal case and to weigh whether or not i want to do this).
I am generally anxious. And i have learned in the last few weeks, by reading here, that it can make me be impulsive, ’cause i just have to get rid of ‘something’ when my anxiety gets high. But in this situation i am trying very hard to not be reactive and to plot out, have goals and not be pulled off course, regardless of how triggered, anxious, scared, angry, enraged or hurt I am.
She doesn’t get to keep my mind, even though she is taking up some space right now. She doesn’t get my head forever, but i will go slowly so that I do what I need to work through this, act with courage and hold my head up.
Hi Matt,
I too am out of work. Have been for 5 months now and I’m getting a little stir-crazy. But at least I have been interviewing. I applied for 50 jobs in November…not kidding and have been able to interview about 3 or 4 times a month but no matches yet. I find I am getting low-balled a lot or another candidate with less experience for less money will take the job in these hard times. I have 3 interviews coming up in the next few weeks. Like Star, I also have a condo and was fortunate enough to get a loan modification for 12 months. So at least I have a roof over my head for now.
Some of the interviews are coming not from me applying but from employers who found my resume posted on Monster, Careerbuilder or Yahoo Hot Jobs. So maybe you could post your resume there. I also go on Indeed.com everyday because it pulls all job postings from all the sites so you don’t have to jump from site to site. Another good site is Ladders.com. I also created a profile on Linkedin.com and re-connected with co-workers from prior jobs to network.
Just some tips.
Dear Iwonder,
I haven’t ever posted on any of these resume sites, but I wonder if it isn’t dangerous to post so much of your work history etc. there or is it a confidential thing where you don’t put your real name up or the real companies you worked for so that information can’t be used to “steal your idenity”?
I am seeing signs, big signs here that the economy is tanking, and the only thing that seems to be doing anything in our area is the natural gas drilling going on. A large school bus manufacture that has been here for over 50 years is laying off all but a hand full of people, heard on the news yesterday a big factor that makes steel beams for new store construction is laying off 60% of their workers because stores are not expanding now, and so on.
Jobs in industry for machnists (my son is one) are almost NON-existent now and when he first started 15 yrs ago they were PLENTIFUL for manufacturing was going great guns! Now it is tanking.
Even the “underground economy” of flea markets and such is down by 2/3s. Donations to food pantrys and such as Good Will are also way down as people hang on to their better clothes longer etc.
I don’t have a real positive outlook on the economy no matter what Washington says.
Hi Ox,
Well, your information posted on the sites can’t be seen by anyone just going on the sites. Companies that want to look at the resumes have to pay for access. Yes, your name, address and work history is on there but not your social security number and you don’t have to put a telephone number on there. If you want, you can just put your email address as contact info.
In today’s Cyberworld, there is always a chance of identity theft. Everything is done by computer today. If I call a company and ask if there are openings they tell me to go onto their site and see and then apply that way.
Yes. . the economy is tanking. I’ve not been out of work this long before. I could have a job if I want to take $20K less a year but I’m holding out as long as I can to avoid doing that.
Dear Iwonder,
Yes, I know there is ALWAYS risk of idenity theft. Credit card theft (with your numbers etc) knock on wood, I have never had it happen to me except when the P hacked into and TOOK over my cell phone account. I ened up NEVER BEING ABLE TO GET AT&T to acknowledge my right to control it. He ran up hundreds of dollars in bills by changing services etc. and I finally decided to just get another number instead of continue to fight it. In fact, my ATTORNEY laughed at me over it and then HE COULDN’T GET ANY RESULTS EITHER. LOL
I finally just let the hundreds of dollars of bills go unpaid and when the company threatened to put me into collections, I sent them a copy of my POA as my late husband’s estate executor and said “he’s dead, so sue him! I tried to tell you he was dead but you kept on talking to someone who said they were him on the phone and making changes to the account and running up the bills, so it is on your head not mine!” That was the last I heard from him. LOL He had called these 1-900-talk dirty to me lines at $5 a minute and all these things. LOL added another line and used my credit card numbers to order these late night TV things sent to ome under my name $49 and we’ll give you the secret to how to get rich in real estate, no money down, for life, except they bill you $500 monthly after that! LOL I had a hell of a time getting those off my credit too. LOL At the time it was just to keep me busy and OFF BALANCE, but since I was already CRAZY and AFRAID for my life, it didn’t help me any. I spent time on those things that could better have been spent doing things I DESERPATELY NEEDED DONE that in the end I lost considerable money because I didn’t do them, instead focusing on the chaos caused by the Ps.
I hope you can find a good job, IWonder, but sometimes I have taken jobs beneath my qualifications just to eat, but at least the unemployment benefits have been extended some. Good luck (((hugs))) and my prayers.
Iwonder:
Thanks. I’m on monster and careerbuilder. Do get the daily listings from Indeed. Haven’t put myself up yet on LinkedIn, but have decided to go that route.
Have seen a little activity the last few weeks — had an interview last week and met with a head hunter today. She said that she expects things to pick up more in the first quarter. Her lips to God’s ears.
If you’re going stir crazy after 5 months, try 10 months. Of course, I’ve got a few neighbors who are going on 1 1/2 to 2 years. I would truly shoot myself by that point.
Matt,
I signed up to volunteer for our county…a few weeks ago I raked leaves for an elderly couple. I need to get busy busy busy.
It seems like I can’t get my life back on track since I was involved with the ex-S. The last job I took was a little beneath me because he didn’t want me to be around other men. I worked in a small mom and pop shop and isolated myself from the world. I also took a paycut for that job. I am used to working in corporate home offices interacting with people. Bad Move. Now I’m out in the cold and trying to reconnect with past associates looking for a job. Ugh…why did I do that to myself? I swear..never again will I let someone control me ….ever.
Linkedin hooked me up with a lot of people I hadn’t seen in years.
Matt, please don’t even joke about suicide! BOINK!!! (((hugs))))
I just left a message for the lawyer of the woman who is suing the spath for fraud. It was hard to put my name out there. But I know that the layer EXISTS. 🙂
I haven’t wanted to be too open with the other dupe. Man, my trust is rickety.
I know that going to the lawyer may bring more shit into my life, and I care about that, but I think this is the right thing for me to do. If it helps her case, and if that in turn has any baring on a conviction, or the sentence then I want to do this.
TOWANDA!