Sociopaths as much as anything exploit your faith in them”¦over and over again.
In many ways this captures the essence of sociopathy in particular, and exploitation in general: The sociopath, or exploiter, seduces your faith, only then to intentionally violate it.
The more seriously you take him, the more you are vulnerable; the more vulnerable you are, the more the exploiter is licking his chops.
And so the sociopath, or any exploiter, wants you to take him seriously! Indeed it’s his modus operandi to accumulate currency and credibility with you—the more the better, as this better ripens you, better fattens you, for the payoff he’s chasing.
Not all exploiters “get off’ on the suffering you’ll incur arising from their exploitation. Sadistic ones will; they’ll derive a portion of their satisfaction, if not their motivation to exploit, from your pain.
But more often the sociopath is flatly uninterested in your “expense.” He neither relishes, nor regrets, it deeply. What interests him, again, is his payoff; his prospective gain, not your loss, concerns him principally.
And so a core aspect of exploitation lies in the exploiter’s purposeful grooming of the faith of his victims, only then to purposely betray that faith.
And in cases of sociopathy there is the additional heartless indifference to the victim’s experience of that betrayal. Indeed, one measure of the depth of his heartlessness and audacity is the sociopath’s tendency to repeat this cycle regularly, abusing old and perhaps fresh victims.
When you think about it, what sociopaths and other exploiters prey upon—our faith—is what most of us are naturally inclined to give. We want to have faith in others. We want to believe that others will have our backs, not stab our backs in order to take something from us and then leave us, heartlessly, to grapple alone in confusion and despair.
We want to believe that, God forbid, were we lying on a deserted roadside, grievously wounded, that that stranger approaching us will have the intention to help us, and not, while issuing kind, reassuring words, to lift our wallets.
And so it’s no big accomplishment to exploit others. Sociopaths and all exploiters are going after something that’s as easily coaxed as it ought to be honored and safeguarded—our faith.
(My use of “he” in this article was strictly for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Steve,
Your article offers an explanation of two things he said repeatedly :
When asked by others how many times he thought he could leave our home and still be able to get back in the door he answered –
” Don’t worry . She loves me so much she will always take me back .”
He had such confidence that my faith in him was so strong I would continue to believe his lies.
When I asked him if he ever imagined how his life would be without me and how would feel if I never spoke to him again – he glibly said :
” I can’t imagine never talking to you again. We’ve been together 22 years. Why would you not talk to me ?
It will NEVER be over between us until one of us is dead !!!!”
I think even today, he likely believes I still would have enough faith in him and his words to BELIEVE and get his foot in the door without much effort.
As you say – with no thought of the pain he has wrought and the losses suffered. Obilvious !!!
Thanks, Steve – for the clear vision you give of what we are up against……
Dear Newlife,
I am so glad that you are seeing what he is all about—how narcissistic and entitled he must feel to think he will get back in again! I’m glad you are stronger and no longer blind to what he is! GOOD FOR YOU! Your post made me so glad for you! (((hugs))))
Dear OxDrover,
“The cult leaders of some organizations are so scary!”
Yep, they are. It seems like every other “Buy-bull Believin” pastor out there is striving to become the head of his church. A hand full have the talent and charisma to pull that off, the rest just lead small, bumbling toxic groups.
I don’t think leaders are the whole problem. From what I’ve seen there are a lot of bored cluster Bs who come to church after a dull workweek for a bit of excitement. They create all manner of highly dramatic scenes at church, because the financial fall-out from their zany church behavior is insignificant. Their spouse may have told them “No more cr@p! I mean it this time!” Their employer may not have much of a sense of humor either. The church, on the other hand, is obliged by the nature of the organization to be “understanding”.
I didn’t get real peace until I started to duck the Histrionics and Borderlines as well as the Sociopaths and Narcissists. The whole bunch of ’em tend to “cluster” around each other anyway, (pun intended), so avoidance is simple.
A Borderline or Histrionic in her “sweet” persona can be so charming. You can usually detect them because they generally are complaining about a long list of ills and slights against them. Practically everyone has done them wrong! Major red flag there. She’ll be complaining about you next week, usually to the very people she’s telling you have wronged her! Amazingly, she’ll be believed. Her thespian skills are always top notch.
Just avoid the whole lot of cluster Bs. There are plenty of people who go to church for worship and respite. They’re not all fruit loops!
Dear EC,
Yea, I think you are right, and because the church has to be “forgiving” of those that “fall” they are perfect foils for the cluster Bs, you are soooo right.
The thing is though, churches didn’t use to put up with that cr@p, and would “disfellowship” someone who continued in that unrepentent behavior. Now, it seems that churches are social organizations which no longer sanction CONTINUED bad behavior, including GOSSIP, adultery, drunkeness, and trouble making. The Bible itself says that these should not be tolerated in the church membership, but I think if the “pastors” (supposedly shepherds to LEAD and PROTECT a “flock”) are too afraid of offending a financial contributor in sanctioning bad behavior or in trying to LEAD one of their flock away from bad behavior.
St. Paul didn’t seem afraid to confront this type of bad behavior or to preach against it, but on the other hand, he worked as a tent maker to support himself and didn’t take money from the churches or membership for his support. I don’t have any problem with a minister taking a salary, but I think too many times they curry the gossips and the cluster Bs (who just love this kind of currying by the mnister) rather than take a chance on the cluster Bs witholding contributions. Just my opinion.
But many organizations that have charitable purposes have this same kind of disruptive group of people, whether it is churches or candy stripers, there are always people who try to stir up DRAMA for their own pleasure and entertainment. Heck, many business organizations have employees that do the same thing, much to the frustration of other employees and the business itself.
It is difficult to stay out of the DRAMA no matter where you are or what organization you are involved with. I think it behooves us however, to do the best we can to avoid that DRAMA. Makes life so much more simple and peaceful when we do.
Perfect again Steve!
Faith is a great word to use.
Thanks for qualifying that the sadistic ones WILL take pleasure in your heart. I saw that, very clearly. Yet, it was just frosting on the cake, even to a sadistic one. The main focus is truly what they get. Victims really don’t matter.
Even know, I sometimes have to shake myself. I will still automatically start to make excuses for the S/P/N/Bad-Man if I happen to let my mind drift to the past. It is just so frickin’ hard to keep in mind how DIFFERENT they are !
So many sentences in your post carry so much weight. I like the use of bold. That helps people “get it” …that you are not just careless using words, but using them very precisely and if you don’t pay attention to the precision, you miss much of the meaning.
I meant take pleasure in your HURT!
ouch.
newlife: i was with ‘mine’ for over 20 years too. he would always say, ”no matter what happens, i know you’ll always be in my life.” i would tell him, ”uh, no, there are things you could do that would definitely make me never talk to you again.” i outlined them for him. he would ask sometimes, ”if i did _______________, would you leave me?”
then, in the end, he did EVERY SINGLE THING that i had told him would make me leave him. and i have never spoken to him again.
even though some of his last words to me (after i threw him out) were: ”i’ll ALWAYS have a vendetta against YOU!”, he could care less. he got everything and when he saw i was nearly dead, he played his last card.
new gf. new baby. new life.
strangely, i never thought he’d betray me on that level.
newlife: in pod-speak, they are all the same.
in survivor-speak …
WE WIN!
Mucho thanks for your feedback, all of you! So incredibly thoughtful!
Makes my day(s) to know what I’m writing means something to you. Thank you!
Yes yes yes to all of the above!
So many play the “religion” card for all it is worth. It’s particularly useful for gaslighting. How can you say that about me? I’m a Christian! or I’m a pastor!
My first experience with an S. they guy had me SO confused with his use of the word “love”, so blatantly manipulative yet it still took me SO long to see it, because of the faith I had in his “faith”.
Then, more recently, my battle with a Narcissistic pastor (before I learned about S/P/Ns) left me so weak I was a wide open target for the second S. Friends we had had for 17 years so easily turned their backs on us, in defense of him. He had his own “mafia”. They just circled the wagons.
Based on my first experience, I questioned the second one fairly often, and was met with “I would NEVER do that so someone I cared about.” And, “I will always love you.” Umm.. define love?
Faith no more! (in the wrong place)(and I can tell now)…