Sociopaths as much as anything exploit your faith in them”¦over and over again.
In many ways this captures the essence of sociopathy in particular, and exploitation in general: The sociopath, or exploiter, seduces your faith, only then to intentionally violate it.
The more seriously you take him, the more you are vulnerable; the more vulnerable you are, the more the exploiter is licking his chops.
And so the sociopath, or any exploiter, wants you to take him seriously! Indeed it’s his modus operandi to accumulate currency and credibility with you—the more the better, as this better ripens you, better fattens you, for the payoff he’s chasing.
Not all exploiters “get off’ on the suffering you’ll incur arising from their exploitation. Sadistic ones will; they’ll derive a portion of their satisfaction, if not their motivation to exploit, from your pain.
But more often the sociopath is flatly uninterested in your “expense.” He neither relishes, nor regrets, it deeply. What interests him, again, is his payoff; his prospective gain, not your loss, concerns him principally.
And so a core aspect of exploitation lies in the exploiter’s purposeful grooming of the faith of his victims, only then to purposely betray that faith.
And in cases of sociopathy there is the additional heartless indifference to the victim’s experience of that betrayal. Indeed, one measure of the depth of his heartlessness and audacity is the sociopath’s tendency to repeat this cycle regularly, abusing old and perhaps fresh victims.
When you think about it, what sociopaths and other exploiters prey upon—our faith—is what most of us are naturally inclined to give. We want to have faith in others. We want to believe that others will have our backs, not stab our backs in order to take something from us and then leave us, heartlessly, to grapple alone in confusion and despair.
We want to believe that, God forbid, were we lying on a deserted roadside, grievously wounded, that that stranger approaching us will have the intention to help us, and not, while issuing kind, reassuring words, to lift our wallets.
And so it’s no big accomplishment to exploit others. Sociopaths and all exploiters are going after something that’s as easily coaxed as it ought to be honored and safeguarded—our faith.
(My use of “he” in this article was strictly for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
OXY –
Thanks so much for your kind thoughts . I have you, Donna and all those here to thank – especially Steve Becker, for removing my blinders and helping me to learn and grow stronger in spite of all my resistance and often malignant hope.
I had to learn to let love go and see the hopelessness in all the years I tried to love him into “healthy”.
The worst now is trying to get a divorce settled and watching him manipulate my kids.
NOW he wants to be a good dad, NOW he wants to cut a Christmas tree, Now he gets my daughter a laptop , Now he wants to cook dinner and take them to lunch……………..
and they are so happy that NOW he is finally doing more…..even though it is all still at his convenience.
I know he will disappoint them over and over again and it hurts me to watch them take crumbs – just like I did.
Dear newlife,
You are starting a NEW LIFE, and it will be stronger and better and happier than the fantasy and hell you lived in before. I know you hurt for your kids, but unfortunately, they have to see this for themselves…and it does hurt, but at the same time, just as this will eventually make you a stronger and better and happier person (I think I am seeing evidence of that arleady) they will have to go through their own walk with him, and their own discovery and own pain, but at the same time, if you protect your kids from every hurtful thing, they would never learn to walk–they might not have bumped their heads, but they wouldn’t be walking and then running. This experience with their sperm donor can make them stronger and wiser too, even if a bit sadder. Keep your faith in yourself and faith in the kids you are raising. I hope that they come through this as well as you, and that they will learn from this that not everyone who claims to love you is reliable.
((((hugs))) for you and your kids, and always my prayers and for everyone here to reach peace and joy!
Steve,
Thank you for this article. It is very timely for me. Right now I’m having a hard time with understanding why someone would be so calculated and take advantage on purpose. (I know the answer, but I still don’t like it or want to accept it.) My ex would go out of his way to prove his devotion to me because he knew I didn’t trust him. He would make up stories that tried to prove his love which would allow him to sink his teeth in a little bit further. How could I resist a man that would stop at nothing to prove how commited he was?!?! I now know that most of those stories came AFTER he betrayed me. He would over compensate and tell me things to ensure that I would swoon over his stories or acts of devotion so that I would not question his actions. The last time he tried to make my faith in him stronger, he called me from Jamaica while he was at his parent’s new vacation home. He called to tell me that he had done something that he wanted me to know about. He told me that he came clean to his dad and told his dad allllll about me. How much he loved me and knew that his relationship with his wife wasn’t what he wanted. How amazing I was to him and how much he wanted to be with me. Said he showed his dad pictures of me and on and on and on. To him, this should have proved the ultimate devotion and love for me. Telling his own father that he was cheating on his wife and kids because he loved me so much?!?!?! Well, 2 months later now, come to find out he was in the Domican Republic with the new victim, not with his dad in Jamaica. He somehow snuck away long enough to get a phone call in while he was on vacation with the new girl..lol. His story was only a ploy to divert my thoughts. So calculated. He did things like this all the time to make me believe his love for me was real. I now know it wasn’t. I feel that I was a form of entertainment for him. It was all about him. His stories were only attempts to Trying to look like the good guy. Trying to cover his tracks so I wouldn’t suspect him of wrong doing. So this article helps. I know I just have to accept that this is how they function.
I talked to a dear male friend of mine the other night. I had introduced my ex and him years ago, and they hit it off and since, have become friends. It’s damaged my friendship with him without question. I don’t feel comfortable hanging out with him now. But we spoke honestly about the situation between my ex and me, and he said that my ex and him have had several conversaitions. He said that my ex said he feels TERRIBLE for what he’s done. He NEVER wanted to hurt me. He CARES about me so much and just feels HORRIBLE. And I told my friend he could believe that if he wanted to, but this was just another attempt to do damage control. To keep try and come off as a sorrowful and apologetic being. The only thing that he feels terrible about is the fact that he got caught. I told my friend, someone that is as calculated as he is, doens’t mean what they say. It’s only a story. A story to create an image that he wants everyone to believe, but his actions speak louder than his words. And someone that INTENTIONALLY does what he did and lies to cover it, doesn’t feel bad, doesn’t mean NOT to hurt. And the pathetic attempt to make his friends believe that he feels bad is just another lie. Just more lies to cover the others.
I have always wanted to believe in the good in others. Believe that people are naturally inclined to do the right thing. I now know this is not true. He made me realize this. So I will take that from this situation and apply it to the rest of my life. I will continue to have faith in people, but that faith will come with extreme caution. I will have faith only after you have proven that you really deserve it. Thanks again for this article.
Amber, I get where you are coming from.
It’s a mess and a muddle to figure out what is true and what is not. My position today is that I trust no one until they have proven themselves. Guilty until proven innocent, I guess you could say.
When I met my ex P., he was the knight in shining armor. I had moved to a big city, had little money and was looking for a place to live in. He had a job, a house he was sharing with someone else and was going to school. He LOOKED like he was the whole package. He was attentive beyond belief. He called my mother and talked her into sending the money for me to rent an apartment. Because he loved me so much, he moved in within the first week and couldn’t stand to be away from me that long. He called constantly to tell me how much he loved me. I, in my need to have someone in my life (I had been alone for a long time), bought this lock, stock and barrel. I overlooked SO much!
I see now that he was attracted to my beliefs. I had faith the whole world was infinitely good. I didn’t believe evil could exist. I believed everything that happened would have a good outcome.
Here’s the real story: he moved in with me because he was temporarily renting a room and was being told to get out. He only had a job and was going to school to look good because he was on probation for theft. He was also still married and there was a divorce in the works. I lost the friends I had because started screening calls, not telling me when someone called. There were a couple he just plain told NOT to call at all. He allowed everyone to think HE had put the money down for the apartment. When I approached him about this, he agreed with me and said that he would make it right. It never happened. He called me 5-6 times a day to make sure I was where I was meant to be. He thought MY alimony check belonged to him as well. He was a master at using time as a tool to get what he wanted. I had started working, I had started my own business and soon was making a lot of money. Yes, you really can start a business on nothing. He LIKED that money so much, he gradually stopped working. He went back to drugs, which I didn’t know about for a long time. I have never done drugs, so I’m clueless as to what to look for and he counted on that. Red flags? Oh yeah! Should have had a clue when we flew back to meet his family(I paid for the tickets) and found out his family nickname was “Nixon”. I made him look GOOD in the eyes of those who had thought he was not. Even the biggest skeptics thought he had changed. He had not and never will. He looked solid and respectable. He wasn’t. His life prior to meeting me was full of drugs and criminal activity. When I fell during pregnancy with our son, he never bothered to show up for 4 hours. He was in class when I called him. He finished class and went out for something to eat, THEN showed up at the hospital.
In all of this, over the years, my faith rotted away, a bit at a time. It got to the point where I didn’t have my own mind anymore. He used my mind like it was play dough. It didn’t matter what was said, it was always turned around. He used the FOG and the gaslighting and everything else I’ve learned about here on LF. I just never was able to put a NAME to those these behaviors. I’ve heard it said that the best mask Satan can wear is that of God himself. I met that person, I lived with that person. It took me years of bargaining, trying to change him, constantly catching him in lies, allowing myself to be cheated on and all the rest until I finally GOT IT.
As I write this, I am starting to feel pretty stupid again. I look back now and shake my head. Those that I trust are few. I DO trust this site and everyone on it. I trust what is written here because here, I have had so much help in so many ways. I wear a new pair of glasses today. I see it all so much more clearly and yet, I have so much healing ahead of me and that’s OK.
THIS is something I want to go back to? Not now, not ever.
Steve and all the rest, thank you.
Always doing thoughtful little things for people, he was… the trouble is that now I am absolutely jaundiced. You opened a door for me? What’s your little game, eh? Buy me a coffee? No thanks, sociopath! I had immense trouble trusting people before this, and I don’t know what on earth I’ll do now.
Dear Huyton girl,
Y0u take it slow and easy and start to TRUST YOURSELF again to use good judgment about WHO to trust, and keep you safe. I think the worst thing we lose is our ability to trust ourselves to pick out safe people (or unsafe as the case may be). I am only now lerning to TRUST MYSELF AGAIN, and others must earn the trust I extend to them, and no second chances on lies, theft, illegal or immoral behavior. One strike and you are out.
Steve, maybe just title this this Sociopaths Exploit! This is such a great article, but maybe those hurt by love think from the title it has something to do with religion. Though FAITH is the perfect word to use! And don’t change a word in the article! But I hate to think some will never read this because they think it is about religious exploitation from just the title???? It is one of best articles on here!
Or title it Sociopaths exploiting your faith in them
thank you JustAboutHealed!….your point, about the title, is very well taken. And thanks so much for your prior, generous feedback on this, and recent, articles.
That is exactly what they do! This article explains a lot about their behavior. I told my friend so much so several times like I may have misjudged her character, and that it was no easy thing to deceive me because I am easy to do that to. I guess it is the same with predators- they don’t care if the prey is easy- they like it perhaps even more than having to work to devour someone/thing. I would not have liked her at all had it not been for constant affirming (or illusion thereof) of her liking me. It is just like Lucy holding the ball for Charlie Brown and proclaiming that it is ok to kick it this time- only for her to pull the ball away at the last minute. I love the Peanuts comic strip. She was the one who invited him to kick the ball in the first place- he would probably been just as happy to play baseball- even though that didn’t work out well either.