Sociopaths as much as anything exploit your faith in them”¦over and over again.
In many ways this captures the essence of sociopathy in particular, and exploitation in general: The sociopath, or exploiter, seduces your faith, only then to intentionally violate it.
The more seriously you take him, the more you are vulnerable; the more vulnerable you are, the more the exploiter is licking his chops.
And so the sociopath, or any exploiter, wants you to take him seriously! Indeed it’s his modus operandi to accumulate currency and credibility with you—the more the better, as this better ripens you, better fattens you, for the payoff he’s chasing.
Not all exploiters “get off’ on the suffering you’ll incur arising from their exploitation. Sadistic ones will; they’ll derive a portion of their satisfaction, if not their motivation to exploit, from your pain.
But more often the sociopath is flatly uninterested in your “expense.” He neither relishes, nor regrets, it deeply. What interests him, again, is his payoff; his prospective gain, not your loss, concerns him principally.
And so a core aspect of exploitation lies in the exploiter’s purposeful grooming of the faith of his victims, only then to purposely betray that faith.
And in cases of sociopathy there is the additional heartless indifference to the victim’s experience of that betrayal. Indeed, one measure of the depth of his heartlessness and audacity is the sociopath’s tendency to repeat this cycle regularly, abusing old and perhaps fresh victims.
When you think about it, what sociopaths and other exploiters prey upon—our faith—is what most of us are naturally inclined to give. We want to have faith in others. We want to believe that others will have our backs, not stab our backs in order to take something from us and then leave us, heartlessly, to grapple alone in confusion and despair.
We want to believe that, God forbid, were we lying on a deserted roadside, grievously wounded, that that stranger approaching us will have the intention to help us, and not, while issuing kind, reassuring words, to lift our wallets.
And so it’s no big accomplishment to exploit others. Sociopaths and all exploiters are going after something that’s as easily coaxed as it ought to be honored and safeguarded—our faith.
(My use of “he” in this article was strictly for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
one step – you wrote ” I have too uproot this hook she latched on to.” Yes I understnd and that is the life lesson we have to examine at this point. I was so humiliated and embarrassed and ashamed that I believed this guy. Of course he was here in the flesh for three years. We planned a future together. We slept together. What haunts me is I knew from the beginning he didnt love me. I could feel it, see it, smell it but when it said ‘I love you’ I wanted to believe. I thot maybe it is me that cant love or accept love. Still I think of the obvious moment’s of his deception and ask myself WHY did I hang on to the lie? Was I so desperate? Unlovable. Each minute I gave him the deeper he sank that hook into my longing for it too be true. He consumed my identity. And twisted my mind around to his way of seeing things. But that gut instinct was always there, I knew I was in danger and I didnt like it and I didnt know what to do. He played my emotions until I was an empty shell and there was no more fun in it for him. I looked at him like the evil he was and just sat there waiting for him to do more harm. I lost so much respect for myself. But I did make him leave after many break ups and make ups, I realized even if I think I love him and even tho he says he loves me, he has to go and I will deal with what ever comes afterwards. So here we are OneStep – this is the lesson and we must uproot it all. I have been at it for 18 months. I do see where this relationship was a pivotal point in my life. And I have more understanding about me than ever before. So you are on the right road One Step – the road to self discovery….
Henry, your post resonates.
I am so in tune with what is said here. My s/p meeting started with his famiily introducing us and he would use terms like I know God must have put you in my life. He went to church twice with me and then started makingi excuses and sometimes fun of my beliefs. I would not have sex without marriage and so we married, only for him to discard me 4 months later. He ignored my calls and texts which of course as those who have been in this situation, totally baffles you and you start thinking, what did I do? I have come to find out later the whole time we were married, he had a my space site and a facebook site, promoting himself as single and making
over 75,000 ayear when in fact he lives in a shabby house with bills piled up to the ceiling that he has not even bothered to open and eats out of a crock pot 3 times a week, because as I found out later, he owes money everywhere! Trolling the internet for willing victims seems to be his agenda, although that is not how we met, his sister introduced us, and now find out she did it hoping I would be his savior. What a heart break this has been, a violation of my faith, a violation of my self esteem and heart. I have read most of these stories and i am here to say no contact is the key. The way that I did it is I took my friends advice and said “he is dead”-so you can’t email, text or call a dead person, a dead person can’t hurt you and a dead person doesnt require my buying groceries and my worry. I am on hinges waiting on the divorce to be final this week. I hope once this is done, I can begin to heal.
I have had to take medication just to go to work…he has done damage to my soul and my psyche and can only hope that I will heal someday…he literally almost destroyed me with this games, paying attention to me one day and ignoring me for days. these s/p are pure evil and hit you from every aspect. I am glad to get out early and say to those out there, keep faith in your fellow man, but use caution with your heart.
one step, I hear you on the “real” not being real at all. I kept looking for a “sign” somewhere for a very long time that my ex was really a caring, loving human being. He wasn’t, he’s not and the only time he will be is when it serves his purposes. That is MY reality today and sometimes it sucks, but once my eyes were opened, they couldn’t be shut again. My dreams went down the toilet, my bank account was in the red, my heart was splintered and my psyche and soul were splintered. And I LIVED. That’s the one thing that keeps me going when I get nostalgic, as you and henry have talked about on here. When I first came out of my “Spath coma”, it was hard and one step, I understand that need for vindication. One of the things I wanted was for the whole world to finally see what I saw in this person. That didn’t happen. In your case, you have some solid, concrete evidence and that makes yours a bit different from my story.
henry, uproot it all? YES. For me, at least, it has to be all or nothing. For me, that’s a total, complete cleansing of my life, my soul, my mind, my heart.
one step, I understood what you were talking about in your post. Both you and Henry have been very kind to me as a newbie on here and I thank you for that.
Clovis50, I like your post. I have been there and done that. I’m sorry this week is so hard for you. I’m a newbie at this and my healing is in the first stages, but I know this site has helped me make huge leaps where I was once taking small steps.
Sending you prayers and hugs-Cat
cat, I am a newbie here, also; let’s do the newbie dance! there is a song that goes with it and it starts: ‘my life is a mess and i can’t close my eyes again, even to sleep…’ the chorus is sung by a greek chorus of angles and debtors: ‘it sucks, it suckc’
totally dig this, YAY! :
“For me, that’s a total, complete cleansing of my life, my soul, my mind, my heart.” I like how clear, concise and promising it is.
I am struggling with the fact that those still active with the spath don’t know and I know that she has been feeding them shit about me cause they take pot shots. Now, this ONLY MATTERS IF ‘HE’ IS REAL, AND HE IS NOT. But there is a bind there – a part of me who feels so damaged by ‘ oh so and so deserves love and YOU”RE not welcome to play’. truth is more like the obligation to me was getting to be too much and the spath wanted to duck out. deathbloging sock puppet! (i like the word ‘spath’ sooo much)
again ty for the ‘cleansing’ declaration.
best,
one step
I had a converstion this weekend with a narcissitic sociopath and saw it immediately.. He was a bad one.. he would say something .. then when I would refer to it. He would say that he didn’t say it.. It was classic.. and this turkey used to be President and part owner of a university.. I though, wow.. what damage has this man done in his life… and because of position people thought of him as ‘authority’ … as some rise to authority just to fulfill their narcissitic sociopathic needs. I confronted him fast and he went ‘crazy’….it was hysterically funnd and pathetically said to observe. I am getting good at seeing throught these types quickly.
I meant to write hysterically funny and pathetically sad to observe.. It was like watching a caged animal caught and he was squirming.. and lashing out and he got more and more juvenile …
I love this site. I just wanted to say that my P soon to be ex’s ex wife killed herself last Thursday. He is currently at her funeral with the two son’s they have, which I raised for the past 10 years because she lost her mind and has been in and out of mental hospitals, jail, etc.
The plan was to have us all drive out, but I said I might skip that step and meet them there. He left for three days with the youngest boy and left me and the oldest all alone – would not pick up his phone. Suddenly he calls and says he bought three tickets (him and the boys) and to get everything ready for them. The Irony of this is I was much closer to her than any of them. All they did was make fun of her.
This article really resonates with me because she and I were both very spiritual, me raised Catholic and her Protestant, but we both studied all sorts of theology and really tried to instill faith in the boys.
The P father is a hard-core Atheist (which I think is the boldest religion, a universal negative) and has fully brainwashed the boys into thinking there is nothing after death. Her family obviously thinks he is pond skum and I heard of her death first. He instructed me not to say anything to the children until he got home. Which of course was 12 hours later. I respected his wishes, and listened while he told them she was dead, that currently her breastbone was being cut into and the top of her head was being sawed off.
What I am doing is leaving while they are at the funeral. I WILL NOT be the next victim. I could have flown out alone but decided she would want me to just get myself out of here. I feel bad that the kids will come home and see me gone, but I must save myself.
He has always hoped for her death. Spoke of it often in front of the children. So I am just going to assume I am next on his list. Of course I am not saying he literally kills people, it is an slow mental process. A good friend told me today that if I can take anything out of the loss of my BFF (I would like to raise her from the dead and kill her several more times right now) – it should be to get away and never look back.
citykitty – RUN BABY RUN AND DONT LOOK BACK~! peace..
city kitty –
YOU GO GIRL!! REALLY, GO!!