Sociopaths as much as anything exploit your faith in them”¦over and over again.
In many ways this captures the essence of sociopathy in particular, and exploitation in general: The sociopath, or exploiter, seduces your faith, only then to intentionally violate it.
The more seriously you take him, the more you are vulnerable; the more vulnerable you are, the more the exploiter is licking his chops.
And so the sociopath, or any exploiter, wants you to take him seriously! Indeed it’s his modus operandi to accumulate currency and credibility with you—the more the better, as this better ripens you, better fattens you, for the payoff he’s chasing.
Not all exploiters “get off’ on the suffering you’ll incur arising from their exploitation. Sadistic ones will; they’ll derive a portion of their satisfaction, if not their motivation to exploit, from your pain.
But more often the sociopath is flatly uninterested in your “expense.” He neither relishes, nor regrets, it deeply. What interests him, again, is his payoff; his prospective gain, not your loss, concerns him principally.
And so a core aspect of exploitation lies in the exploiter’s purposeful grooming of the faith of his victims, only then to purposely betray that faith.
And in cases of sociopathy there is the additional heartless indifference to the victim’s experience of that betrayal. Indeed, one measure of the depth of his heartlessness and audacity is the sociopath’s tendency to repeat this cycle regularly, abusing old and perhaps fresh victims.
When you think about it, what sociopaths and other exploiters prey upon—our faith—is what most of us are naturally inclined to give. We want to have faith in others. We want to believe that others will have our backs, not stab our backs in order to take something from us and then leave us, heartlessly, to grapple alone in confusion and despair.
We want to believe that, God forbid, were we lying on a deserted roadside, grievously wounded, that that stranger approaching us will have the intention to help us, and not, while issuing kind, reassuring words, to lift our wallets.
And so it’s no big accomplishment to exploit others. Sociopaths and all exploiters are going after something that’s as easily coaxed as it ought to be honored and safeguarded—our faith.
(My use of “he” in this article was strictly for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
city kitty, GO AS FAST AS YOU CAN…PLEASE!
From the article: ‘We want to believe that, God forbid, were we lying on a deserted roadside, grievously wounded, that that stranger approaching us will have the intention to help us, and not, while issuing kind, reassuring words, to lift our wallets. ‘
When I was 21 i ran away from an alcoholic bf. I had left and come back in the middle of the night (can’t remember why0 to find the doors wide open, one of his cars in the middle of the street, the pets traumatized, a shotgun in the tree, all my stuff broken and strew about, and the phone ripped out of the wall.
my neighbor and his pregnant wife were coming home. i had never met them, but they could see from the state of our yard, that all was not well. the pregnant wifr went immediately to bed, and the HUSBAND SHOWED ME TO THE PHONE AND F**KING MADE A PASS AT ME.
Compassion lives a spath life.
one step.
one step, nice to know I’m not alone and that others are in the same spot. If I’m very lucky, I’ll be learning for the rest of my life. a dance? just for us? lets rock!
Thanks for the YAY but I really do feel that we have to literally change everything in our life, sometimes including where we live. I did that as well. It’s either that or read sad stories like city kitty’s where the ex committed suicide. How sad and all too common for those who have had one of these people in their lives.
Part of the cleansing for me has been not allowing those around me who tried taking those pot shots at me as well. I’m still working on this part, but I have cut a lot of people out of my life who are still in contact with my ex P because they don’t understand him and I’m not willing to listen to them criticize me for not allowing him to use me anymore. They don’t see what I see, but they will…when he’s used them. It’s a HARD step to take, but it works and I have peace.
I gather yours has a “fantasy” going on. I’ve had that one happen with me as well. It sounds harsh, but I’m at a place where I take no s**t. I know there’s a middle ground. I just haven’t gotten there yet.
Hang in there, I know it all will get better.
Hugs,
Cat
Steve, really great post. Sociopathy can feel so confusing because none of us can really relate to what motivates the sociopath, so it really helps to read your reminders about why they do what they do. I believe my P is actually primarily motivated by sadism, but I have to remember that he ALSO has additional motivations as well.
Henry,
I read your posts and feel for you. As you may recall, I’ve been a “monk” for many, many years while I lived with my P. My hermit lifestyle is what I’m used to but it does make me a bit lonely too. So recently, I found a compatible “monk” to hook up with! You aren’t likely to find a compatible “monk” at the bar scenes (though we occasionally will go to those to people watch together).
Since you like to garden and the country lifestyle, have you considered joining a hobby or garden association? You might find more people with common interests that way. Rather than clubbing, you might look into a meetup.com for like minded people in your area or the next big city from you.
Lots of us hermit-types want to meet other reclusives but don’t like the bar scenes. You will have to change your standards a bit because most reclusives don’t have the great, sophisticated, suave, social skills of a club hopper, but then at least that lowers the likelihood of meeting another S. Personally, I find the geeky reclusive more attractive than a suave sociopath any day.
Hi Skylar I thought monks were male? lol Thanks for your concern’s. I am a misfit. But I agree with you, I need to meet similar types. Your suggestions are good and I will look into a gardening club or something similar. I have looked into so many mature male sites and I see nothing but body parts with a list of fetishes. Very discouraging indeed. I feel like i am from another planet sometimes. I have a friend of a friend working on a blind date for me, we will see how that goes. But I am doing well and have my work and a few friends and family. thanks again sky..
Thank you all for your support. I am running as fast as I can, but doing it right this time. There will be not trace of me ever having lived here and I am organizing important pics, etc. Because I know he will do as he has before – try using the children as a ploy to get me back, but I will not be back. I am going to collect myself at my parents house for a while and am considering leaving the country after our divorce is final, early January.
I have struggled as to what I will say in court. I don’t want to hurt the children or get him in trouble, but on the other hand I can’t perjure myself and not say the reason I filed was because altho he makes 350K yearly he will not provide health insurance for the family, and I think I have posted before I need a mammogram. Any advice would be welcome – I believe I must tell the truth and screw it if he gets in trouble with DSS. At least he would be forced to provide care for his children, right? It is illegal in MA to not be covered.
I am so sorry to hear the way all of you have been hurt.
@....... Cat – you are so right about cutting those people out of your life. I am working on that, as well. I believe all these people who can’t see what you see, will eventually – inevitably he will hurt them, too. And then they will think of you and feel like idiots.
city kitty – From reading your post @....... dec.7 1:13pm. I must stress that you don’t have time to think about what you will tell the courts your reason for divorce is. Your life sounds to be in danger from this man. There will be time to sort all that stuff out later when you are in a safe place. I had hoped you would be gone from there already. Don’t think for one moment he is not aware of what your doing, they have an uncanny sense of these things. Get off the puter and go…Let us know when you are safe and there will be lot’s of advice to give you as far as reasons for divorce LATER……….irreconcilable (sp) difference’s for one….go go go NOW…….
One step, I’m visualizing the scene you described with the alcoholic bf when you were 21. Yeah, I can believe someone would do that. What “lovely” neighbors! I can just see this whole scene because I lived through similar situations; like him cutting the phone lines so I couldn’t call the police and then trying to wake the neighbor at 3AM so that he could call the police on ME for verbal abuse. OK, what’s wrong with this picture? And the worst of it all is that my son witnessed this. Gotta love those neighbors! Mine didn’t wake up (thank God) and yours made a pass at you. Go figure…
city kitty, I brought up the above to one step, because yes, the children will suffer and he will use them as pawns. BUT he would do that whether you were with him or not. My ex was a pro at using our son and still tries to do that. Please, as henry and others have said, just go now. I can see from your post that you’ve thought this through in that no one will even know you’ve been there.
henry is right on this one. Don’t worry about the divorce now. Just go. If this man could drive someone to suicide, I shudder to think of what he’s capable of.
Please let us know when you are safe.
Sending hugs and courage,
Cat
style, I read your post (12:15PM) and I have to agree completely. Kudos to yo for calling him on it! They just HATE that! Before my Spath came into the picture, I was married for a long time to someone who had a big name and the family money to go with it. His “friends” were those who held office and I was sickened at the abuse of power. People placed their faith in these people to do the right thing. They were able to hide a lot of garbage and get away with it. There were a lot of pay offs as well. All done so they could have that power and control. Note: I’m not say ALL politicians are like this. There are those who truly care and do the best they can in office.
Many, however, go after higher positions to feed that narcissistic beast within.
Cat:
i didn’t have kids, but there were devastated animals who lived through that man’s bs and breaking things and throwing things. I felt so guilty about leaving my cat there when i fled. i did go back and take her. she was shy and nervous (a shelter cat who I hadn’t had that long) to begin with
His dog, who he LOVED so much – i will forever hate boston terriers – was SO neurotic. And now I know why. I too would have been sucking on pillows if i had stayed any longer.
I have these 3. the alcoholic bf from 21, the N gf from 45 and now the spath. And then there is my father, who although i havne’t quite labelled is wha tht ecognitive therpaist called a CORRUPT SOURCE, my crazy as shit sister (’nuff said) and now this horrid landlord. so they are here. i have cut my sister out of my life for now. i will sure my dad for what he stole from me, as soon as i can get a bit stable. the spath and N are gone and the alcoholic is many many years gone…..
…..but there is a lineage here and i hope to god that the extreme trauma of this situaion is deep and big enough to unhinge the lineage, make it apparent, give me a different enough perspective that i can ge tin theri with a shovel and DIG IT THE F**K OUT!!!
the odd is now SO BIG, that I can see it as THEM, and work on making myself safe and taking up the space I NEED TO in my own life. as they say in kink: HARD BOUNDARIES. NOT GOIN’ THERE BOUNDARIES. F**K THEM!