Today, if you’re looking for romance, you aren’t limited to searching your local community. With online dating apps, texting and video calls like Facetime, Skype and Zoom, you can meet and stay in contact with potential partners in distant cities, states and countries. It may seem like you have worldwide romantic possibilities — but you also need to be on the lookout for sociopaths in long-distance relationships.
Quite frankly, long-distance relationships are dangerous. Sociopaths can be difficult to recognize when you’re around them every day. If you only see them in real life intermittently — well, they can run their scams and manipulations almost indefinitely and you may never know it.
Here are 7 reasons why it’s hard to spot sociopaths in long-distance relationships:
1 . Sociopaths figure out what you want, then pretend to be that person
Sociopaths are chameleons. They turn themselves into whomever they want, or more precisely, whomever you want. They check out your dating app profile, Facebook page, Twitter feed — possibly before you even meet. They figure out what your interests are, what you’re looking for, then become that person. You have no idea if your new love interest, proclaiming amazement at how much you have in common, is being authentic. They can keep up the act indefinitely, but it’s much easier when they only see you in person from time to time.
2. What are they doing when you’re not around? You have no idea
When you’re involved in a long-distance relationship, you spend far more time apart than together. How do you find out what your new romantic partner is doing when you’re not around? You ask about their day, and they tell you. Are they lying? Are they making up stories? If they’re sociopaths, they’re expert liars, and you’ll never know the difference. And since you’re not around, you can’t casually “stop by” to see if they’re really home watching TV.
3. Sociopaths cheat with multiple other partners, especially if you’re not around
Sociopaths tend to crave excitement and get bored easily. What does this mean for their sex lives? They’re always looking for something new — a new place for sex, a new style of sex, and a new partner for sex. If you’re the long-distance love interest, they see no reason to wait around for you. In fact, I’ve heard of sociopaths texting their long-distance partners while in bed with another.
4. You can’t observe how sociopaths behave in all areas of their lives
When you’re with a sociopath in a long-distance relationship, the times you actually spend together may be short, intense and focused on each other. You cram six months’ worth of dating into four days. You don’t spend time hanging out with their family and friends, going to the grocery store together, or stopping by their workplace. So you don’t see how they behave in multiple environments, and whether their behavior changes significantly from how they are with you. Are they rude to cashiers? Do they torment family members? You may never know.
5. You can’t check your partner’s stories with friends, family or co-workers
Speaking of friends and family, there’s another problem with rarely seeing a long-distance partner —you don’t have a chance to casually question or verify what he or she has told you with people who know them. Did she really graduate college with honors? Did he really serve in the military? Has your new partner really not dated anyone since the divorce five years ago? Friends and family may know the answers — but it you don’t spend time with them, you never get to ask the questions.
6. You may attribute bad behavior to cultural differences
It may seem exciting and exotic to have a romantic partner from another country or culture, but this also makes it difficult for you to accurately interpret your partner’s behavior. Because of language differences, you may not get the subtleties of what he or she is saying to you or others. You may be confused by the person’s behavior, and chalk it up to different social standards. I’ve heard from people who viewed abrasive behavior as a function of their partner’s cultural perspective, and only later realized the truth — they were in love with a sociopath.
7. When most of your interactions are online, you fall in love with your own fantasy
In a long-distance relationship, it’s possible that much of your communication with your partner may occur via text, email or social media. This is a problem. Experts estimate that 65% to 90% of the meaning in human communication is nonverbal — facial expressions, gestures, body language, tone of voice. So if you’re communicating via text, the web or email, there are no facial expressions or gestures. Even with emojis, there is no body language or tone of voice. That means 65% to 90% of the meaning in your communication is missing. What do you do? You interpret the words on the screen to mean what you want them to mean. You fall in love with your own fantasy.
My advice: stay local
In my view, if you’re looking for a dating partner, it’s best to stay reasonably local. That means someone who lives within a comfortable driving or commuting distance, so that you can get together every week.
About six months after I left my sociopathic husband, I started checking out online dating ads. I wasn’t afraid, because I knew I would never fall for another con artist. I met a very nice man who lived 1 hour and 45 minutes away. It was far, but not too far, and one of us made the trip every weekend. I stopped by his place of business. I met his family and friends. We dated for nine months, and it was wonderful. We truly cared about each other. I was sad when our relationship ended, but he was honest and we shared a real love. The relationship was a step in my healing.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
With this relationship, I discovered my geographical limit for dating — 1 hour and 45 minutes of drive time. If you’re looking for a partner, I recommend that you set a geographical limit — the distance that you are willing to travel every week. Do not start a relationship with anyone who lives further.
The benefits of being together
This doesn’t necessarily protect you from sociopaths, because they’re everywhere. To see how many live in your community, use the Lovefraud Risk Calculator. (Valid for US addresses only.) But at least you avoid the pitfalls of sociopaths in long-distance relationships.
Besides, the entire point of a romantic relationship is to be together — conversation, cuddling and yes, sex. A romance with the right person, living nearby, is much more fun and fulfilling than someone in a distant city, state or country. And you have a better chance of seeing who the person truly is.
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