Sociopaths like to cloak themselves in a mantel of respect. They seek careers, or pretend to have careers, in fields that people associate with good character, trustworthiness, and authority, such as law enforcement, the military and the clergy.
Pursuing a career in religion or spirituality is particularly useful for sociopaths. People tend to trust religious figures simply because they are religious figures, which puts a sociopath several moves ahead when trying to scam someone. A sociopath claiming an inside track to God has a very powerful tool when it comes to manipulating people.
Plus, for a sociopath, a career in the clergy is easy—the primarily visible job requirement is an ability to talk. With typical inborn charisma, and a willingness to lie about other credentials, the sociopath is a shoo-in.
Lovefraud has written about several pseudo-members of the clergy whose behavior has certainly flouted the Ten Commandments:
Anthony Owens claimed to be bishop of a fellowship of more than 100 non-denominational churches, which was a lie. He was married to eight women at the same time.
Rabbi Fred Neulander founded the largest Jewish temple in southern New Jersey. He was convicted of arranging the murder of his wife.
Terry Hornbuckle founded a megachurch in Arlington, Texas. He was found guilty of raping three women, two of whom were parishioners.
Then, of course, there’s Fred Brito, who impersonated a Catholic priest, even performing a couple’s wedding, when he had no religious training whatsoever.
Lovefraud readers have told us of more cases. AlohaTraveler says her “Bad Man” had been a pastor for an Assemblies of God church in Seattle. Another woman has built a website about the real reason a reverend abruptly departed from the First Presbyterian Church of Fort Lauderdale, Florida—an extramarital affair with her.
Fake believers
Even sociopaths who aren’t clergy put religion to work in their manipulation. Here are some examples from the Lovefraud mailbag:
- A woman married a guy who was a “Christian” teacher (her quotes) in schools for 14 years. He abandoned her after six months and started an affair with another woman, all the while talking about reconciliation. She then found out she was his eighth or ninth wife, and he had previously been convicted of bigamy.
- A guy met a woman in a Christian chat room on the Internet. He was in the process of getting a divorce; she claimed she was also. He left everything and moved to her state to be with her. She taught at a Christian school half-days, and would meet him—for sex—after work. She was still married.
- Girl starts dating guy when she is 18. They belonged to the same Christian faith, which did not allow premarital sex; all their dates were chaperoned. When she was 20, they had a fairytale wedding. That night, he raped her, then started gaslighting her, and convinced a doctor that she was crazy, until she ended up on psychotropic drugs.
- A woman’s ex-husband claims to be a Christian minister. “The church is a fraud to bilk people out of money. He helps the other pastor get money from poor people who can’t afford it,” she writes. “When he raped me and tried to kill me, and when he and his daughter broke into my house, well the cops saw him wearing preacher pants and didn’t believe me.”
- Woman meets a guy on a Christian singles site—they both sang, did music ministry, and had an “intense desire to serve the Lord.” They married, started their own church, then she finds out he owed $30,000 in child support and was addicted to hardcore porn. He became physically abusive.
- Woman marries a 51-year-old Catholic school teacher who is an Episcopalian priest, retired military, widowed after 29 years of marriage. Two months into the marriage, his son moves in with them. The son was selling and using cocaine, and her new husband—the priest—was in business with him.
Predators are everywhere
Lovefraud has heard of many more cases in which sociopathic predators were fishing for victims in churches and on religious dating websites. We’ve heard of sociopaths who quoted the Bible, prayed every day, and emotionally tortured their families.
And then there are the sociopaths who use religion as a reason to keep bleeding their victims. Christian religions, and New Age spiritualism, embrace the concept of forgiveness. Sociopaths use this to claim that they’ve “found God” who has forgiven their transgressions, and you should too.
The key point here is that just because someone claims to be Christian, religious, or otherwise spiritual, does not mean he or she is automatically trustworthy. If your instincts are telling you that something is wrong, no matter what the context, pay attention.
Oh, before I forget … my bosses and their cronies all profess to attend regular service on Sundays. I found it strange that one of the “rat pack” passed over this winter. As I read the obit on-line, all the spiritually stunted blogged onto the newspaper site and what they wrote, quoting scriptures and how much they were going to miss this dear friend and co-worker … I just prayed to myself. It just proves to me more and more that Tolle is on to something regarding the EGOs of the world and how living in one’s ego does not allow people to be humble. It’s when we are humble is when we can feel our emotions, hear the word of God, be kind and love our fellow wo/man, and live a righteous life.
Peace.
This post is part of what upsets me the most about S/N/Ps. It’s not OK that they exploit others and abuse in any fashion via any venue but I get so upset about how many are present in our churchs, mosques, synogogues, you name it. How they use God and religion to build their fake reputations, to gain their audiences and to prey on decent people. It makes me realize that there is no true safe place out there where the S/N/Ps don’t lurk.
I’ve said in other posts, I believe if they are to change it would be God’s doing and their acknowledgment that they themselves are not gods. But like you said gillian, you can’t trust a thing they say! I have prayed for the S who said he didn’t believe in God and who raged at the very mention of the word “faith”. BUT I have simultaneously prayed that he never contact me again. I was afraid when I found out he was reading a Christian book on relationships that he was doing his homework and preparing to come back to me with some sparkling new revelations. I believe in miracles and that God can do all things. But if my ex showed up at my door tomorrow saying he’s found God I would say, “Great. Good luck on your journey in life. Now please go away.” Then I would promptly close the door and lock it! OK, that’s not entirely true. If he showed up on my doorstep tomorrow I wouldn’t open the door at all. But you get the gist of how I feel :).
As for those people in my life who’ve suggested that I go to church to meet a nice, decent man….I shudder. I met one of my ex’s at church and he’s the only b/f who was ever physically abusive towards me. Not that I want to generalize that to all men in church. But just because someone goes to church doesn’t mean they’re safe people. Men and women alike.
bird, I have also had people suggest I go to an online dating site for Christian singles to meet men. Your experience speaks for itself. I am sorry that you and everyone else who posted here has experienced abuse at the hands of men claiming to be spiritual and moral. It makes me want to scream that anyone uses religion or spirituality to “appear” decent or “normal” even. But with the S/N/Ps nothing’s sacred or off limits.
It is a good con and it worked on me. How could you mistrust someone who was in a church hierarchy and had committed so much scripture to memory. And by the time you realize the behavior starts not matching the words, who better to bestow grace and forgiveness on than someone who knows God and surely must be just going through a period of drought needing extra support. No, nothing is sacred.
But in the process my long time religion instead became a spiritual relationship, I saw God’s hand in my life, and I came to realize that battle was God’s and not mine. I’ve had to deal with him because of legal matters and retaliation, but was given strength. I think it’s all about growth and it doesn’t come without pain or within the timeframe we may want. All I can do is pray for him, but I believe if we seek we will find.
Donna,
I am so glad to see a post about this subject! Years ago, I read an article about spiritual narcissism and found it so helpful. I think it is such an important topic, not only because of what goes on in organized religion, but also because of the prevalence of New Age spiritualism with its aura of highly camouflaged con artistry. Many troubled and questionable individuals hide in religion/new age spiritualism because sincere seekers are socialized to overlook that possibility! Spiritual narcissists/sociopaths are among the most highly skilled masters of deceit.
Your “key point” sums it up beautifully. An over the top spiritual display is on my list of red flags!
I won’t even get started on “forgiveness”…………!!!!!
Excellent topic!
My S got up on the witness stand and pretended to be pious and holy and a regular church attender. The judge believed him. All lies. He would attend only on special occasions.
He had repeatedly made disparaging comments about my faith, and the people at my church. He also made many remarks about how religion was a useful tool to keep other people (the gullible fools, in his opinion) from doing things that he didn’t like.
He had his own set of rules to live by. He basically had the attitude that he wanted to “look” like a moral person, but whenever morality was inconvenient to him, he would find some exception about why he should be exempt from the rules.
When his son worked at a movie theater, he invited me to go to a movie there with him. When his son snuck us in without paying, I was flabbergasted and too stunned to speak. I didn’t say anything at first because I didn’t know what to say and I didn’t want to hurt his or his son’s feelings. When I finally did say something, it was very mild. I tried to say that it made me uncomfortable to sneak in without paying. He made me feel like I was some sort of uptight sanctimonious judgemental jerk and that I was supposed to lighten up and relax, get a sense of humor and some perspective. (I have a GREAT sense of humor, thank you. It just doesn’t include stealing.)
If you feel sneaky, you’re doing something wrong. I knew that ever since I was a kid. What I learned was that if someone makes you feel sneaky and guilty, especially if they appear to have no guilt at all, they are not a good match for you.
Hello everyone. New here, first post. This topic resonates with me, because I fell victim to a false new age guru-type, and then was ‘stolen away’ by his second-in-command.
Mr. Second asked me what I wanted, and when I said I wanted ‘a normal life,’ he dropped the new age facade and became Ward Cleaver, All-American husband and dad. I fell for it…for 15 long years.
And once he had used me and my family up, he moved on to his next victim and again donned the new age personna. Whatever works. As long as it is a lie, whatever works is what they do.
Haven’t been here in a while, but I when I saw the title of this blog entry, I just knew I had to say something. My ex-P used to tell me he was a good little Christian. I fell for it. I told myself that if he believed in God (AND had a dog), then he couldn’t be bad. Worst thing is, I don’t believe in God and with all due respect to everyone here who does, for the longest time, I’ve had a lot of doubts about all and everything related to the church. I still do. Fact is, I was blinded by his sweet words when I should’ve ran the other way. Nowadays, everyone who tries to soothe me with anything related to religion gets a piece of my mind and has no chance whatsoever to get involved with me.
I blog on religion and narcissism.
http://holywatersalt.blogspot.com
and I vascillate on whether Psychos have any belief, and then I think they do believe in God,as the Devilobviously does, but they have no Faith.
My sociopath claimed to have gone to a Christian college… he couldnt prove it because he said ‘the college burned and all his records were lost’… he also claimed to have sang in a world famous Christian rock band…tours and everything..
His dad is a sociopath too and runs a missionary group…although he does some good, he is a sick abusive nut case. Who claims to have a heart problems and cancer.. whatever gets him attention.
Why do these people get away with this?
Donna and all,
I would like to add this link that someone sent me about a year ago.
It’s a synopsis of a book entitled: Chiristian Men Who Hate Women; Healing Hurting Relationships
by Margaret J. Rinck
http://www.pinn.net/~sunshine/book-sum/xtian2.html
I am sure many of us will recognize the behaviors described as Narcissism but with a religious spin. I think this is what happened to the Bad Man’s ex-wife. Bad Man was quite a Bible Banger at one point and he had the weather old Bible to prove it. Also had pictures of himself showing that he did infact have a ministry at one time in the islands… Tonga, Samoa, blah blah.
By the time I met him, he was giving up one form of extremism for another and was looking a bit more new age. He was shifting toward a sexual extremism… calling himself (at times) Erotic Sexual Healer.
Puh-lease!!!!
Anyway, for anyone that was married to a guy that was a Minister or a Church Elder or some other dude that was playing God over you, I think this article will help.
Also, the kind of behavior described in this article has nothing but NOTHING to do with God. It saddens me that people are tortured in this way all under the guise of Man being the spiritual leader of the home. This is very twisted and sad.