Sociopaths like to cloak themselves in a mantel of respect. They seek careers, or pretend to have careers, in fields that people associate with good character, trustworthiness, and authority, such as law enforcement, the military and the clergy.
Pursuing a career in religion or spirituality is particularly useful for sociopaths. People tend to trust religious figures simply because they are religious figures, which puts a sociopath several moves ahead when trying to scam someone. A sociopath claiming an inside track to God has a very powerful tool when it comes to manipulating people.
Plus, for a sociopath, a career in the clergy is easy—the primarily visible job requirement is an ability to talk. With typical inborn charisma, and a willingness to lie about other credentials, the sociopath is a shoo-in.
Lovefraud has written about several pseudo-members of the clergy whose behavior has certainly flouted the Ten Commandments:
Anthony Owens claimed to be bishop of a fellowship of more than 100 non-denominational churches, which was a lie. He was married to eight women at the same time.
Rabbi Fred Neulander founded the largest Jewish temple in southern New Jersey. He was convicted of arranging the murder of his wife.
Terry Hornbuckle founded a megachurch in Arlington, Texas. He was found guilty of raping three women, two of whom were parishioners.
Then, of course, there’s Fred Brito, who impersonated a Catholic priest, even performing a couple’s wedding, when he had no religious training whatsoever.
Lovefraud readers have told us of more cases. AlohaTraveler says her “Bad Man” had been a pastor for an Assemblies of God church in Seattle. Another woman has built a website about the real reason a reverend abruptly departed from the First Presbyterian Church of Fort Lauderdale, Florida—an extramarital affair with her.
Fake believers
Even sociopaths who aren’t clergy put religion to work in their manipulation. Here are some examples from the Lovefraud mailbag:
- A woman married a guy who was a “Christian” teacher (her quotes) in schools for 14 years. He abandoned her after six months and started an affair with another woman, all the while talking about reconciliation. She then found out she was his eighth or ninth wife, and he had previously been convicted of bigamy.
- A guy met a woman in a Christian chat room on the Internet. He was in the process of getting a divorce; she claimed she was also. He left everything and moved to her state to be with her. She taught at a Christian school half-days, and would meet him—for sex—after work. She was still married.
- Girl starts dating guy when she is 18. They belonged to the same Christian faith, which did not allow premarital sex; all their dates were chaperoned. When she was 20, they had a fairytale wedding. That night, he raped her, then started gaslighting her, and convinced a doctor that she was crazy, until she ended up on psychotropic drugs.
- A woman’s ex-husband claims to be a Christian minister. “The church is a fraud to bilk people out of money. He helps the other pastor get money from poor people who can’t afford it,” she writes. “When he raped me and tried to kill me, and when he and his daughter broke into my house, well the cops saw him wearing preacher pants and didn’t believe me.”
- Woman meets a guy on a Christian singles site—they both sang, did music ministry, and had an “intense desire to serve the Lord.” They married, started their own church, then she finds out he owed $30,000 in child support and was addicted to hardcore porn. He became physically abusive.
- Woman marries a 51-year-old Catholic school teacher who is an Episcopalian priest, retired military, widowed after 29 years of marriage. Two months into the marriage, his son moves in with them. The son was selling and using cocaine, and her new husband—the priest—was in business with him.
Predators are everywhere
Lovefraud has heard of many more cases in which sociopathic predators were fishing for victims in churches and on religious dating websites. We’ve heard of sociopaths who quoted the Bible, prayed every day, and emotionally tortured their families.
And then there are the sociopaths who use religion as a reason to keep bleeding their victims. Christian religions, and New Age spiritualism, embrace the concept of forgiveness. Sociopaths use this to claim that they’ve “found God” who has forgiven their transgressions, and you should too.
The key point here is that just because someone claims to be Christian, religious, or otherwise spiritual, does not mean he or she is automatically trustworthy. If your instincts are telling you that something is wrong, no matter what the context, pay attention.
good kat ..i want yout and your daughter to be safe…i think your gut was right when you were afraid he may choke you, even if it was a long time ago…he just got moreconfident he could get away with it..or the impulsiveness took over……you could just give his name and some former address and they take it from there……stay safe
blondie says:
has anyone ever read When Your Lover Is A Liar by Susan Foward? this is book is great, i suggest everyone read it. they have a section about sociopaths. if anyone has read it let me know what you think?
Blondie, that book was the first one I found after my spouse revealed his true face to me. I returned to the chapter on sociopaths again and again, each time saying “Yes, this is it. This is what he is.”
I asked my older children to read that chapter and all agreed, “Yes, that’s him.”
That book set me on the road to truth.
The truth around sociopaths and religion needs to be kept centerstage. I have long maintained that religious sociopaths are particularly dangerous. Why? Because religion is a powerful means of control to others with the same religious convictions. Religious sociopaths are amazingly good at “talking the (religious) talk” and getting others to let their guard down and trust them. Their charming front makes them great preachers. It’s easy to be fooled by these con artists. How easy? I met my ex on a Christian dating site. He had been a pastor of various churches and has a Bible site on the web. He had told me that he had hit his wife once or twice and regretted it, but I later learned that he battered her repeatedly throughout their marriage, kicking, punching, and even choking her. He told me that his kids would not talk to him because of his “evil witch” wife. The truth was (I later found out), he had hit and threatened his kids and there was a protective order in place that I never knew about! Shortly after we married, he began to threaten me also. And this is only the tip of the iceberg with him. He continues to lie about all of it to others, saying he is a “victim”, and continues to publish Christian newsletters and get a following for himself.
I always think about that poor 19 year old girl named “Esther” who was found after she tried to kill herself. She was the adopted daughter of a pastor and his wife, who had apparently adopted her for the sole purpose of making her the family slave. She was beaten mercilessly for her entire miserable life until she escaped. Now she is a shy troubled twenty-something, and fears all Christians. This is such a crying shame. These religious sociopaths are super dangerous because they are elevated above “normal” society and given way too much power. Usually you find out about them when they are put in jail for some unspeakable crime, or when they kill off their “congregation” in a mass suicide or shoot-out with the cops. This makes the whole Christian community look like a bunch of freaks.
Dear Gypsy1,
Welcome to Donna’s healing site. Thank you for sharing your story about your X–unfortunately there are so many others just like him out there.
Kat, you are so right about that, and the “forgiveness” aspect of religion is so twisted to mean “pretend none of this happened” but that is NOT the definition of “forgiveness” that is appropriate or right or good. The Ps are so good at taking some scripture out of context and twisting the meaning to mean something entirely perverted, to help them maintain their power and their control.
Even within families this perverted view of religion is used as a club to emotionally and spiritually BATTER members of the family. I was a victim of this emotional and spiritual religious abuse by being told by my mother that if I didn’t “forgive” (her definition of “pretend the abuse never happened”) that I was going to hell and burn forever. It is only NOW at 61 years old that I have finally said NO MORE to this guilt and fear battering.
Unfortunately, many people who are religiously abused turn their backs on not only their twisted abusers but on the very spiritual support that TRUE religion and belief can give. This abuse robs these people not only of their happiness it deprives them of their spiritual support as well. What twisted wicked evil people these predators are.
These are the spiritual descendants of the men who cried for the Crucifixion of Jesus, and slew the prophets and burned others at the stake for daring not to agree with their twisted beliefs. I have more respect for the Roman emperors who threw the Christians to the lions for sport than for those people who IN THE NAME OF GOD use religion to persecute and abuse others.
One day standing in line at the grocery store (a long one) I picked up some magazine and was reading, the article I read was about the palatial homes of the TV preachers. These homes are in the middle of large estates, well out of the “view” of the public. Some reporter had flown a helicopter over these mansions to take photographs of these HUGE AND COSTLY estates. There were estates listed and shown for just about every “well known name” in TV preaching. I thought it was actually funny, but also sad, that these people, like the Bakers had become so wealthy while begging for “donations” on TV.
I have no problem with any minister/priest/pastor etc being “paid” but to pay them like a rock star is absolutely unconscionable to me. I think many of these people are at the BEST interpretation Narcissists and at the worst psychopaths. For a while my son shared a cell with a “preacher” who had been a in a big “mega church” and quite wealthy, but he was a serial rapist. The man was a raging Psychopath from my son’s description and loved to recount his “conquests” before he was finally caught and sent to prison for life, I hope it is life without parole, but I’m not sure about the actual sentence. “Life” sometimes means as little as 15 years.
Then you get to the “cover ups” with the pedophile priests. The church itself knowing what was going on and not reporting these men to the police, just transferring them to another place where they continued their abuses of children by the hundreds. I may be “clinically” in error, but I equate child abuse and pedophilia with psychopaths, one and the same.
Seeing on the news about Mary Winkler getting her children back, I thought of this post. The news media is calling her a preacher killer. I don’t condone what she did, but I could see how one snaps. When this “man of God” puts a woman in a position that requires her to perform against her will, it causes something to die inside. It’s so demoralizing. And especially coming from a man who is supposed to be called of God. You would think those ones at least, would be the most sensitive and understanding of a woman’s needs. They should understand the whole sexual process better than most. They use their standing to cover the pervertedness of their minds. Like who would believe that of them. They are godly. Yeah right.
God’s word says a man who is called to preach and teach will be judged more harshly. They should be above reproach, but it seems like they think they are God and can do anything. Who’s going to question a “man of God”? I have lost so much respect for the man of the cloth. When the truth finally comes out about their personal life and what they subject their wife to, I no longer want to hear what they have to say.
We read about some who are having trysts with gays who denounce them vehemently. There’s the old bishop who convinced a naive parishioner that in order to be right with God, she had to have sex with him. There’s the head of the southern district whose wife divorced him due to his abuse, but yet he continues in his service. I don’t want to listen to someone who beats up his wife, tell me how to worship God and live for Him. I’m so glad God brought me out of the religious movement and gave me a spiritual awakening. I understand that God forgives, but these ones don’t seem to show remorse for their sins, but will continue to condemn others to Hell.
I will no longer, in my life that’s left, be used for sex, thrown away after, but made to feel guilty if I complained, like it’s a God given duty for the woman to perform and be available. Bull pucky. If it’s not a mutual happening, then it’s rape, no matter if one is married or not. No one should make another uncomfortable where sex is concerned, and especially those who want to be looked up to as a “man of God”. They use their position to seduce and entice. There’s nothing godly about their approach to life. No wonder people don’t trust the churches anymore. I don’t say this of all of them, but there’s been enough that it makes one leery of telling their hurts to a minister. Satan will use anyone for his purpose. We have to constantly be on the alert.
I just did some reading on Mary Winkler and “comment” blogs where people post opinions of various newspaper or internet articles. On one, Mary was Blasted and DAMNED by almost everyone who posted (and Yea, I know, it’s not scientific) but anyway one woman who casually knew her posted that from the time she met Mary and her husband she felt like he was an abuser. So this casual meeting obviously sparked something in this woman who said “She looked like someone stomped her puppy, and when I met him, I knew it wasn’t her puppy that had been stomped.”
I don’t know many of the details about Mary murdering her husband except that she had been involved in some “crazy” things financially etc. and that she alleged abuse after the trial got underway. She was given “voluntary manslaughter” and is out on probation and has been seeing her children for about a year while they lived with her late husband’s parents, and now has custody of them.
Many of us have heard of “PKs” (preacher’s kids) who sometimes –often enough to get a nick name–turn out to be pretty rowdy or dysfunctional. Mary’s husband was not only a PK but he was a preacher himself so there may have been a lot of stress and pressure to “conform” at least outwardly to a “certain way of life”—I am speculating here–but whatever happened in that family, a terrible price has been paid by everyone involved. Whether Mary’s husband was or was not an abuser, I hope that the children are receiving therapy, and I don’t think that they should suffer any more for WHATEVER happened to provoke her to kill her husband.
Sometimes in these situations where a divorce is the OBVIOUS answer to others, that isn’t an “option” for a “man of the cloth” who would most likely do everything possible to prevent a crack in his feet of clay and his public persona.
Whatever happened, my sympathy goes out for the chldren, and for Mary as well, and to the parents of her dead husband. Apparently according to the news articles, they were in agreement with the return of the children to their mother, it was NOT a court ordered thing (at least at this time). So there seems, to me at least, some agreement by the dead husband’s parents that Mary is a good mother.
I pray for them all.
Another great example is David Miscavige, the guy in charge of the Scientology cult. Here’s an article about him:
http://www.indybay.org/newsitems/2008/08/23/18529112.php
This is a particularly interesting topic. I had met my Sociopath on a reptile site. In his profile under favorite books, he listed first “The Bible”. And I notice since our split he has quoted a biblical phrase in his signature “let he who has never sinned cast the first stone” or something like that. When we were together, I asked him several times about his religious beliefs. He said he really wasn’t very religious at all.
He also told me he’d fought twice in Iraq and was getting a medical discharge for a head injury. But when I questioned him about whether he believed in why he was there, if he felt patriotic, etc., he said it was just a job.
I remember thinking at the time that he nearly lost his life for a cause that he could care less about? And that he mentioned the Bible in his profile, but never acted the least bit concerned about religion with me? Very odd.
Stargazer,
The Bad Man always put barbs in his next persoanl ad about the last person… kind of like your guys biblical quote. They want you to read it and feel bad… like you were the sinner that cast the stones.
I was struggling to get myself established and everytime I broke things off wtih the BM, he always put things like, “Looking for a woman who can support herself” (even though no one was helping me) or “a woman who knows how to resolve and BE LOVE.” He was just trying to make me feel bad for leaving him when he was being abusive and cast doubt in my mind..