UPDATED FOR 2021. Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Suzette.” She can’t understand why sociopaths say they want love, when their behavior is not at all loving.
It’s strange, my brother (who I have no doubt in my mind is a sociopath), craves being loved. He bounces from relationship to relationship, using his girlfriends. Yet when he screws up, and has his girlfriend threaten to leave him, he acts so desperate! Desperate for human connection. Â He tells me that he can’t live without love in his life, and that he NEEDS a girlfriend by his side.
I don’t understand this. He’s a drug addict, and he uses his girlfriends for support – and before he had any girlfriends, he used me, and before me, he used my mother. Why does he seem to genuinely crave LOVE, if he just uses it to exploit people? He tells me he can’t stand the thought of being alone, and I believe him.
I have not only seen this in my brother, but in another person resembling sociopath as well. A craving to be loved.
I believe that even if he had every material thing in the world, he would still crave being loved. Why? I thought sociopaths were unable to feel love, yet I see and read about this time and time again. This is the reason I find it difficult to dismiss him as merely a cold-hearted imitation of a person. Contrary to the evidence, he appears to have a glimmer of humanity in him – or maybe it’s all just a trick?
Background about my brother: He was abused when young, has a long history of crack addiction, scammed my mother for over 40 grand, lied about having cancer, lies constantly. He IS a sociopath.
I would really appreciate a response!
Donna Andersen responds
Suzette,
Yes, your brother may very well be desperate for human connection. The key here is understanding what kind of connection sociopaths really want.
Sociopaths aren’t looking for people to love. They’re looking for people to exploit.
You described this yourself in your letter. Your brother uses his girlfriends. Before that he used you and your mother.
Sociopaths view other people as nothing more than patsies to give them what they want. Different patsies have different purposes.
Sociopaths may want romantic partners for money, sex, a place to live. If a sociopath actually marries the target, it may be because the partner provides an image of respectability, while sociopath continues with cheating, drugs, or other self-centered entertainment.
Sociopaths view family and friends as backups places to crash when the romantic partners throw them out.
Sociopaths view work colleagues as people to actually do work that the sociopath will take credit for. They view employers as targets to be ripped off.
Sociopaths view strangers as walking opportunities. All the sociopath has to do is draw the person into conversation to find out what he or she has that a sociopath wants.
So yes, sociopaths are desperate for human connection. They depend on other people to give them what they want.
When “love” doesn’t mean love
So why is this so confusing? Because sociopaths talk about “love.”
Your brother talked about “needing love in his life.” Sociopaths commonly proclaim their love to the people they’ve targeted as romantic partners. They say that the new partner is the “love” they’ve been waiting for all their lives.
Unfortunately, when sociopaths use the word “love,” it doesn’t have the same meaning as when the rest of us use it. After all, sociopaths don’t experience love and are not capable of love. So they can’t possibly know what it means.
Some sociopaths equate love with sex. So when they say, “I love you,” what they really mean is, “I want to have sex with you.”
Other sociopaths may be aware that they don’t experience love. But they know that in order to reel in a target, they have to say the magic words, “I love you.” So they say them. And it works.
When sociopaths say they want love, what they really mean is they want supply. They want someone to provide them with money, food, sex, housing, transportation, connections whatever.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
In truly despicable cases, the sociopaths simply want someone to provide them with entertainment. They hotly pursue a romantic target, proclaiming love, showering the person with attention and affection just for the fun of later breaking the person’s heart.
So don’t be fooled when sociopaths say they want love. Love, to them, does not mean what you think it means.
Lovefraud originally posted this article on November 10, 2014.
The Need to Lie Fallow: Taking a Healing Break
Yeah, my sociopathic ex told me I was the woman he was waiting for all his life. He had strayed before, but I was so wonderful that he would never feel the need for anyone else. What he really wanted was my money.
The one I encountered told me he loved me the first day I met him. Then a few days later “You are the love of my life”. Meanwhile, he was having a sexual relationship with 2 other women and telling them the same thing and love bombing us all at the same time; he was also having a sexual “no-strings” relationship with one of his staff; and to top it he was paying for hookers. That’s what I know of, probably only a fraction of it. Good riddance! .
I just realized it. Just now. Talking about your brother. My older brother has had three marriages/divorces. Now he is living with Victim #4. Always on the move. He never leaves the central area of our state…always within his place of birth, but he has moved more than anyone I know.
It was apparent to me some time ago that he wants women with homes. He co-bought (or maybe moved into) a home in the town where my hubby and I live. Lucky me.
He does not exhibit ‘normal’ feelings and never did. What a horror show.
I think my daughter may be a sociopath. She is 31 years old. Living with Mr. Nice for 8 years. Love of her life etc. Her marriage date was set. Two weeks before her bridal shower, she calls her wedding off. Something about her sexual needs not being met. A couple of weeks pass, she finds her own apartment. Then she calls to tell me she has finally found Mr. Perfect. I, as a concerned mother, warn her of “love Bombing” and the possibilities of being vulnerable after so many years with one man. My daughter actually took great offense. She told me that she and Mr. Nice had not ever been monogamous. That she had been hooking up with strangers on these “sex” internet sites. My daughter advised me that she has been having sex with strangers for the past 6 years, frequently, weekly. I must say, not a terribly warm or caring daughter. But, I thought, better not expect too much! As long as she was settled, working, and planning a descent future with Mr. Nice, I was supportive, emotionally and when needed financially.
Since this enlightened mother was betrayed and since I feel totally manipulated, I have told her “no contact” for now. I told her clearly, her behavior was morally reprehensible. Also, dangerous to say the least. Since learning this about my daughter I have not shared this information with anyone else. But, would greatly appreciate your feedback. Many thanks for the fine work you do. Kalina
I believe reading your article and the one on forgiveness were “magnificent” in their clarity and insight. Thank you. Kalina
hi kalina…
reading your story is so upsetting, especially as a mother myself…
we don’t think of our children this way, especially since we raised them to be respectful and do well…its very very sad.
what concerns me about your daughter, which i see a similarity to my ex, is that within a couple of weeks, she was engaged, getting married, loved her fiancé BUT has found mr right a couple weeks later??? that is not normal i don’t believe. that is exactly what my ex was like and knowing he is narc/sociopathic etc. i would think your daughter exhibits these traits as well. if she was not sexually satisfied with her fiancé, why did she wait until two weeks before the wedding to say this? probably because she knew in the back of her mind, she wouldn’t go through with the marriage and used that as an excuse to get out of it…
it sounds like, and i am not an expert, exactly what my ex has done to me…pretty much the same.
we had a relationship for almost four years and throughout the entire time, he had many relationships going that i was unaware of, all from searching out women online. all the while, telling me i was his soul mate, the love of his life, wanted children with me, looked into moving much closer so we could be together, telling me he loved me from almost day one (without even physically meeting me), all the things we want to hear but a little leary especially since it happens on day one of meeting…i know i found it strange, but i liked the feeling of hearing these wonderful promises being made…yeh i knew in the back of my mind, it wasn’t a normal kind of behaviour and i thought being 10 years older than me, he knew so much more about life than i did..
yeh sure….come to find out this past june, after being together a couple weeks before that on a beautiful vacation and looking into seriously uprooting his life to move near me, he broke the news to me that he was marrying a girl much much younger, 30 years younger, she was pregnant and lived on the other side of the world, almost a third world country. he was leaving his home to move in with her, her parents and her brother…this girls parents are younger than my ex!!!
when he first met her a year ago (on business, mm hmm sure) he told me about her, told me he was marrying her and she was the love of his life (this was a year ago), but continued with me very strongly..knowing i wouldn’t accept this sort of thing he told me he decided not to be with her anymore when he returned home from business,(she was disgusting, her family disgusting, she was dreadfully ugly, she smelled, comes from a third world family and just wanted to use him for his american status, he COULD NOT stand her)..so i believed him and we continued until he broke it to me this past june what he’d been planning all along.
likek you, i have gone no contact, its been three months, although the last he wrote me then was that despite the twist and turns in life, he loves me very deeply and always will…who does this???
this destroyed me, but the no contact has been a huge saviour and has given me time to let my mind sort out what he has done.
you are right to question your daughters actions, they sound familiar to probably a lot of people on here reading it…
i am curious as to what her “fiancé” thinks of this whole thing? once he understands its not his sexual companionship with her, and that she is most probably a sociopath, he may have a slight understanding of what she is…and she may even go as far as to “want him back” in the near future..
keep reading the stories on here, i know it saved me and helped me get back on the road to recovery, though it has been a couple months for me, it has given me the proper perspective on things and i know i will get there soon…much luck to you as well kalina, this site is a lifesaver xx
Thank you, janedoe. I needed some confirmation and support. You were so helpful. So sorry for your pain, as well. People like us want to be generous and compassionate. However, waking up to one’s daughter as a sociopath type, is alarming. She has that superficial charm and enough intelligence to get what she wants. It’s the “real” person, I have come to detest. I can not imagine why I would let her back into my life. Like you, “no contact” is the only solution to this very ugly situation! Be well, Kalina
As the longterm wife of a sociopath (23 years) and the mother of 5 beloved children, now also sociopaths in their 40’s and 50’s, I can sadly attest to the veracity of what Donna says. PLEASE follow her knowledgeable teachings! A sociopath will only pretend to love you as long as what you have is to their benefit!
flicka, so sorry for your pain. Too many sociopaths must have been horrific. if you can, please tell me about your children. what makes you refer to each of them as sociopaths? How have you dealt with this. we can divorce our husbands but can we divorce our children? Kalina
I am still debating if my new BF of 3 mos. is a socio. This article surely describes him. He claims to love me, but lies and takes great measures to avoid seeing me more than he wants. I’m clearly his In case of Emergency Girl.
Hi Kalina
I have a 42 year old daughter that is a true sociopath. I can look back now to when she was 14 and realize something was wrong.
When she was little she was so good, like a little girl that would copy everything I did. When she was in trouble she would say Ok mommy she would accept everything I would say. When she was 15 she started acting out. K wanted me to tell her I loved her all the time which I did not understand. When she went into the military I only saw her 1 week a year so I would not say anything when she acted strange. Until she was stationed back in the states near us was then I started seeing the real K. Finally when I saw her mask slip is when everything changed. She was not able to manipulate me or her dad anymore so she decided to try to divide us. K almost succeed but then tried to take me out of the picture when I was in the hospital and disconnected my pain medicine after severe surgery. Real hard to believe that your own daughter would harm you, yes because she does not feel as we do. We are objects not a person they love.
K finally lost her marriage of 18 years when she was using other men for her own pleasure and her fix. K keep one of her fixes and wanted another pair as she referred to as her grown son and daughter, a pair. Who refers to your kids as a pair?
K did have a pair of new sons that she can control since her other (pair) has grown up which she can not control.
We have not seen K for 8 years since she became dangerous. I have done 4 years of research trying to find out how I could help her to no avail. A mother or anyone else can not help them. We have realize that we will never see her again, hard to say from a mom.
I just hope someday they will be able to rewire sociopaths’ so they can feel and love. I have been told to understand your daughter as being born with no arms, all the hoping and wishing she will never grow arms. I have finally realize this, K will never change.
I really understand how you feel and you are reaching out to find if there is any help. All the help is that you are not alone.
As you can read my name is HurtMoM.
God be with you.
Yes, it means finally accepting the emotional death of one’s own children and the reality of what we have (innocently) wrought upon the world. Not easily done but with acceptance comes a certain peace of mind. Peace to all victims.