UPDATED FOR 2021. Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Suzette.” She can’t understand why sociopaths say they want love, when their behavior is not at all loving.
It’s strange, my brother (who I have no doubt in my mind is a sociopath), craves being loved. He bounces from relationship to relationship, using his girlfriends. Yet when he screws up, and has his girlfriend threaten to leave him, he acts so desperate! Desperate for human connection. He tells me that he can’t live without love in his life, and that he NEEDS a girlfriend by his side.
I don’t understand this. He’s a drug addict, and he uses his girlfriends for support – and before he had any girlfriends, he used me, and before me, he used my mother. Why does he seem to genuinely crave LOVE, if he just uses it to exploit people? He tells me he can’t stand the thought of being alone, and I believe him.
I have not only seen this in my brother, but in another person resembling sociopath as well. A craving to be loved.
I believe that even if he had every material thing in the world, he would still crave being loved. Why? I thought sociopaths were unable to feel love, yet I see and read about this time and time again. This is the reason I find it difficult to dismiss him as merely a cold-hearted imitation of a person. Contrary to the evidence, he appears to have a glimmer of humanity in him – or maybe it’s all just a trick?
Background about my brother: He was abused when young, has a long history of crack addiction, scammed my mother for over 40 grand, lied about having cancer, lies constantly. He IS a sociopath.
I would really appreciate a response!
Donna Andersen responds
Suzette,
Yes, your brother may very well be desperate for human connection. The key here is understanding what kind of connection sociopaths really want.
Sociopaths aren’t looking for people to love. They’re looking for people to exploit.
You described this yourself in your letter. Your brother uses his girlfriends. Before that he used you and your mother.
Sociopaths view other people as nothing more than patsies to give them what they want. Different patsies have different purposes.
Sociopaths may want romantic partners for money, sex, a place to live. If a sociopath actually marries the target, it may be because the partner provides an image of respectability, while sociopath continues with cheating, drugs, or other self-centered entertainment.
Sociopaths view family and friends as backups places to crash when the romantic partners throw them out.
Sociopaths view work colleagues as people to actually do work that the sociopath will take credit for. They view employers as targets to be ripped off.
Sociopaths view strangers as walking opportunities. All the sociopath has to do is draw the person into conversation to find out what he or she has that a sociopath wants.
So yes, sociopaths are desperate for human connection. They depend on other people to give them what they want.
When “love” doesn’t mean love
So why is this so confusing? Because sociopaths talk about “love.”
Your brother talked about “needing love in his life.” Sociopaths commonly proclaim their love to the people they’ve targeted as romantic partners. They say that the new partner is the “love” they’ve been waiting for all their lives.
Unfortunately, when sociopaths use the word “love,” it doesn’t have the same meaning as when the rest of us use it. After all, sociopaths don’t experience love and are not capable of love. So they can’t possibly know what it means.
Some sociopaths equate love with sex. So when they say, “I love you,” what they really mean is, “I want to have sex with you.”
Other sociopaths may be aware that they don’t experience love. But they know that in order to reel in a target, they have to say the magic words, “I love you.” So they say them. And it works.
When sociopaths say they want love, what they really mean is they want supply. They want someone to provide them with money, food, sex, housing, transportation, connections whatever.
Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed
In truly despicable cases, the sociopaths simply want someone to provide them with entertainment. They hotly pursue a romantic target, proclaiming love, showering the person with attention and affection just for the fun of later breaking the person’s heart.
So don’t be fooled when sociopaths say they want love. Love, to them, does not mean what you think it means.
Lovefraud originally posted this article on November 10, 2014.
The Need to Lie Fallow: Taking a Healing Break
Beware!
Thank you both for your feedback. I had not ever considered that my daughter might harm me. She has demonstrated disloyalty to me in many covert ways, but, I always overlooked this. This acting out with other men and planning a marriage concurrently, is sociopathic in my “book”. Clinically it may or may not be. We live in a twisted age where good equals boring, and cautious equals timid. I am calling perversion by it’s “real” name! Stay sane, my friends. We have much more than our children to “thank God” for! Kalina
Flicker, what did you mean by “beware”? Do you see something that I don’t? Beware of what? Thank you, Kalina.
kalian
If you truly believe your daughter is a sociopath, then you do need to beware. It’s not just what they have done that is heartbreaking. It that a sociopath has NO CONSCIENCE. That means they are CAPABLE of murdering you and others. It’s not always predictable but it is ALWAYS possible. While MOST sociopaths DON’T murder, some do even late in life and without warning. And they acknowledge that it was a CHOICE all along. Beware. You have to live in the mindset to protect yourself ALWAYS, because IF she really is a sociopath, the possibility of murder is ALWAYS present. And all the lesser assaults are possible too, theft, arson, “accidents”, goading others to harm you, etc etc. Pretending any less only puts you in grave danger.
Wow! I had not considered the possibility of “no conscience”, but what you say makes sense. I do not know the difference between “sociopathic traits” and true sociopathy. I believe my daughter is unethical by my standards. That’s really all I know. I cannot support her in any way as her values violate everything I believe in. My daughter is an ” invalidator” and indifferent to me as her mother. She blames me for everything that is hard for her. I get no credit for having been there for her most of the time. Thank you for your time. Regards, Kalina.
kalina,
I must have misread your post. I thought you stated she was a sociopath.
My daughter has done some very hurtful and harmful behaviors towards me. But she is not a sociopath.
She has empathy. So I set boundries with my daughter. I do not allow nor tolerate specific behaviors. She is an adult so her choices are hers, not mine.
Since she is NOT sociopath, I have told her that my door is open to her as long as she accepts the rules about her behaviors in my presence. It’s not productive for either her or I, to let her berate me or ridicule me. She’s not allowed to tell me my feelings or thoughts but she can ask me my feelings and thoughts.
Conversely, my ex husband is a sociopath. There is no doubt, he scams people and destroys people as a form of entertainment, and tried to murder me (was interrupted and I got away). There is no open door, no accusations, no boundries, no “chances” to redeem himself. There is only NC and I practice a form of self protection. Forever.
Kalina-
The difference between your sense of her having “sociopathic traits” or being “a sociopath” simply reflects your desire to hold out hope. NO parent wants to recognize their child is lost to them by virtue of an emotional disorder. Been there, done that, I understand where you’re coming from.
Here’s why they are one and the same…
A sociopath has no conscience….. sound like your daughter? A sociopath has no emotional empathy…. no knee jerk reaction toward another person’s pain.
Sociopaths are unable to feel meaningful loving bonds. Their social interaction is based on their needs, alone. Whatever emotional support they offer is an attempt to gain something from you.
As children, they can be loving toward you because you hold the keys to their existence. If they don’t behave within the bounds of ethical behavior, there are consequences. And their primary needs of food, clothing, shelter, etc. are all supplied by you. They are smart enough to know not to bite the hand that feeds them. As they age, however, their true identity becomes more obvious. And when they become independent, their interest in keeping up the pretense of loving you disappears.
Sociopaths come and go according to expedience. When they recognize that you’re wise to them, that you expect decency, love and respect, the jig is up. You are just a thorn in their side, a nagging reminder that something is very wrong.
We once thought our children would grow to be what we made them. Today we know that there are genetic links to sociopathy. Their nature can be far stronger than the nurture your poured into her with all your heart. Sociopaths can turn out to be horribly ghoulish. If she hasn’t become violent in all these years, it’s not likely that she will become violent toward you. Unfortunately, she won’t care about you either, and the pain of that loss is excruciating.
She is no longer a child. You can’t change her. She is who she is, and all you can do is grieve her loss. I hope knowing that you did the best you could with the knowledge and resources you had gives you a measure of peace.
Joyce
Thank you, Joyce. So it does appear that my daughter really “can’t love”. There does seem to be a coldness at her center which makes it possible for my daughter not to register concern or compassion. I am considering revising my will. As it stands now my daughter will inherit quite a bit upon my death. I have a truly loving sister. She has five children and more than twenty five grand children. Her family is loving, kind, and exceptionally fine in their character. If I substitute my sister and turn my inheritance toward her estate, I believe it is ethically justified. Of course, I will not ever mention my consideration to anyone! I will also not leave my daughter out completely. Any thoughts? Kalina
kalian
You ask Joyce so I hope you don’t object to another perspective?
It took a LONG time for me to finally realize my now ex-husband is a sociopath. No one wants to think that of the person they love and trusted with such intimacy. I did the back and forth ambiguity so long and never found a defining surety (until AFTER I filed for divorce, then the nightmare of discovery never stopped!) and was so numbed that I was nearly murdered b/c I had not accepted the ultimate possibility, that there is NO “HUMAN” inside, no human as we define what makes a person human, yes he was also missing the ability to LOVE, AND missing the gift of a conscience.
Are you overwhelmed with grief or more with anger? This sociopathy thing is a huge emotional load to carry. I think you need more than anonomous posts, no matter how kind and supportive we are, I think you need more. (LF is Donna’s gift to us, a place where we no longer have to feeling our way through the nightmare alone, but really we are disembodied advisors!). I think you need to speak to a professional, a counselor who uncovers the diagnosis rather than announces their judgment (if someone makes a snap judgment, that’s not something you can rely on so avoid those type of counselors. Most are not trained for sociopaths. That’s why it’s hard to find someone in the yellow pages!).
I recommend Dr George Simon. He has a couple of websites and people can ask single questions for free or request an actual consultation. You can google him or search youtube for his interviews. He also wrote a book “Without Conscience” which you may see more traits of your daughter… and if so, I am so sorry because to realize your child is a sociopath will be enormous heartbreaking unending pain. Your local library may have a copy to borrow.
Thank you for your feedback. Of course, any respondent is welcome as various examples of parents and spouses who have survived and continue to learn, helps. In particular I found women’s groups most helpful. The suggestion of one particular counselor, is always helpful. As an aside, I thought it was Robert Hare, who wrote “Without Conscience”. Realty testing is often helped by consensual validation. It teaches us that while each of us is unique, there are similarities worth considering as we work through our disappointments. Regards, Kalina
I have just checked out the Dr. Simon, recommended to me by LF respondent. Yes, it helps so much to emphasize the key trait, no conscience. He explains this quite clearly. Thank you. Kalina
Today is my 19th wedding anniversary to my second sociopath…first one lasted 15 years. My spouse picker definitely has been broken!
We’re living in the same house and neither of us has said a word to the other for the past two days…yippee! Say no words…tell no lies!
This morning I watched an older Dr Phil show and heard him state the same thing he eventually seems to say: “if you don’t believe that there’s a problem nothing will change” (or words to that effect).
Every single time I’ve heard him say that I’ve thought “Yep, I know there’s a problem…so how do I make things better?”
Today was different…I FINALLY GOT IT!
Today I finally understood that this statement implies that if the abuser doesn’t believe he has a problem…he won’t even attempt to change.
LIGHT BULB moment…
My husband can NEVER be wrong (unless he credits someone else as being responsible for giving him wrong information). So: “If it’s not broken, he’s not going to fix it!” He will never change!
I’ve mainly accepted my hellish life with him because everything I’ve owned is now in his name. Being diagnosed with a chronic disease makes the thought of starting over again seem very scary with limited finances.
Bottom line…I’ve wasted years hoping and praying that he’d eventually come to his senses and want/try to change his emotionally abusive behaviors. Today I finally accept the things I cannot change…his ego.
Someone once said “You can’t change stupid”…well, I’ve been stupid for most of my life and I intend to change that really soon!
IMconfused – seeing clearly is the first step. It means a change within you. And that can lead to new insights, changes and opportunities that you may not have been able to see before.
Good for you!
IMConfused,
CONGRATULATIONS on seizing your POWER again!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE light bulb moments 🙂
It’s not easy to take that first step to finally see the truth!! You will get to a point you will realize that the best gift you ever can gave yourself is leaving your abuser.
For your health look into adrenal fatigue as your root health issue & build your immune system back up. See adrenalfatigue. org see the symptoms list, Drlam. com see the symptoms list, Mialundin. com…for immune health google “dr Fuhrman PBS you tube” and his book on building your immune system back up (cant remember the exact name, he is also the author of Eat to Live). I would also suggest you get tested for cortisol levels, vitamin/mineral deficiency, hormonal imbalance as all of these are issues with PTSD and most victims leaving a abusive relationship have PTSD. A adrenal doctor or a hormonal doctor can help you with this…to find a hormonal specilaist google “compounding pharmacy” with your city name then call them for a list of doctors and/or ask friends for a recommendation and/or see adrenalfatigue. org for a list of doctors.
For your divorce look at Onemomsbattle. com, her books, her facebook page….if you dont have a facebook page/or do open a second fake email account then a fake facebook page under that name that way you can speak freely also check out facebook page After narcissistic abuse and Psychopathfree.
Just know you are not alone reach out for free counseling at your local woman abuse center and they also have free woman group meetings that will help you also. They can also help you with an EXIT PLAN (google) out of your relationship…google also “Dr Phil Exit Plan” and also look on the National domestic violence hotline website. Set your EXIT PLAN in motion with all your financial documents/get lawyer etc
Books: Freedom of mind by Steven Hassan explains the mind control aspect of domestic abuse, obviously Love fraud by Donna Anderson and Woman who love psychoapths by Sandra Brown
You should be incredibly proud of yourself! Take care
IMconfused,
Hope you will consider as many of the suggestions that Jan7 replied to you.
Educate yourself on how to and how not to respond to him, which will help you get mentally and emotionally stronger. When you break free from his pattern of abuse, your mind and body will heal.
Four years ago, I began untangling myself from an emotionally abusive and physically threatening husband. We were married over 20 years. I am in the process of divorcing him. I suffered for over 20 years from severe fibromyalgia and excruciating migraines. And zero self worth. My health problems were a result of his abusive behavior.
I continue to educate myself through books and the internet regarding, emotional abuse, narcissistic personality disorder, psychopaths, sociopaths, PST… as well as educate myself on how to recover, recognize and protect myself from abuse.
My health problems were a result of his abusive behavior. I rarely suffer anymore. Because I am in the process of divorcing him and we have kids, I must remain in contact with him. My fibromyalgia and migraines serve as a warning to me. Whenever I start to feel a fibro attack or migraine coming on, I immediately know I am “falling under his spell”. For me, I have a safety support system and “accountability partners” in my sister, my best friend and therapist. I am able to avoid a health flare-up by re-examining and recognizing old patterns of behavior and replacing my mind set with the truth – as he is a huge distorter of reality.
IMconfused can become imNOTconfused.
Being confused is the name of “the game”, seeing the light is the beginning of change. With each step forward you will be adding dignity and grace to your life. Seeing the important things in perspective is what my growth has been about. Wishing you strength and good health! Kalina