Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail. In it, I felt like I was reading a rerun of my experience.
I was involved with one of those 1 to 4% sociopaths/scammers you’ve outlined in your website.
I lost everything — Long story — you already know it — he was so charming — the love of my life — kind generous, giving, very sexy in and out of bed —
Anyways, it’s been just over 3 yrs (I was only with him 2 + yrs with a 3-month breakup period. Yep I took him back — Call me a LOSER now and hit the delete button — Wait, please don’t.) and I’m living in a mobile home park. Not any of the three properties I had on a golf course. Sold two of them and the third is heading for foreclosure. Put all the money 250K+ into a condo in Mexico and took loans out on my condo that I had paid off while I was selling new homes from ’95 -’05) the year I met him to pay for “our dream” — live in Mexico. I had an offer letter to work for the Four Seasons (selling luxury time shares — the interviews were long and the background check very extensive — I passed) and that would help pay the mortgage on the 3,000 sq. ft. beachfront condo WE bought — none of his money till he made some payments. And my job would hopefully cover his expenses of running his dream job of being a charter captain on a boat that we would lease from the person we bought the condo from — OMG — Thanks for listening. I need a support group to go to but I’d rather just be one-on-one and I’ve been to the therapists — they all (so far) just watch the clock and tell me stuff I already know.
Been extremely depressed — always suffered depression but was able to work and acquire my homes. Then, all of his promises and “deals” shot all my $$ and savings out the window — at a very high speed mind you.
How long does it take to get on with life?
My friends, which are fewer nowadays, say get over it and move on. But, I considered myself to be somewhat “street smart”. And so I continue to beat myself up for the horrific financial things I did and the mess I’m in. I know I need to accept some of the blame — but — he had the plan. I didn’t know his plan and went along with the Love sick person inside of me — finally, my ugh, prince had come — yada, yada, yada.
At the end (two weeks before our big move to start our new “fabulous” lives together I finally confronted him about his 150K in credit card debt. I have no idea why I didn’t run his credit before that close to our move — other than he was always paying for everything, including ALWAYS having to upgrade our flights to first class, etc — I thought he was just spoiling me — as he told me time and again — I deserved to be treated like a lady and he was going to be the one to do that — and claiming to pay off his cards monthly with his construction job.
By the way, yes he allowed me to run his credit one night when he was having one of his daily 6 Bud Lights. I’d gone to bed early — he came home beyond plastered, woke me up from a sound sleep and poured beer all over me — threw me to the ground and threatened to kill me (“Do you want me to kill you now?”) I responded two-fold. “Why are you wasting a beer?” and “No, I’d like to make it to my 43rd b-day.”
I called the police after he got up from holding me by my neck to the ground of our bedroom floor. I called a cab, as I’d already sold my sports car (as it wouldn’t have been too practical in Mexico) stayed in a motel for 2 weeks — next day called some movers and moved all my stuff to a storage — then after two weeks in “hiding” because I was afraid he’d go to my girlfriends homes looking for me. I stayed with a girlfriend until the tenants in my condo found a new place to move.
Sorry for rambling on — to repeat it’s been just over 3 yrs and I can remember everything like it was yesterday.
How long till I regain my life? I’m sure the answer is in ME — maybe a lobotomy? Please advise or let me know that I still have a life that’s worth living. I’ll be 46 in Feb. He’ll be turning 60 next yr.
Insidious tactic
This reader described in living color probably the most insidious tactic in the sociopathic arsenal: They target our dreams.
What better way to draw us in than to promise to make our deepest desires come true? How can we resist someone who wants what we want, and seemingly has the capacity to achieve it?
And how do the sociopaths know what we want? They ask us, and we tell them.
It happens early in the relationship, under the guise of “getting to know each other.” It goes something like this:
“So,” the sociopath asks, with pitch-perfect sincerity, “what do you really want in life?”
“I want a family before I get too old,” we reply. (Or, “I want to live on the beach on a tropical island.” Or, “I want to send my kids to a top college.” Or, “I want to retire while I’m still young enough to enjoy it.”)
“That’s what I want,” the sociopath replies, with a touch of feigned surprise. “We have so much in common. We must be meant for each other.”
Painful betrayal
Dreams explain one reason why the betrayal of the sociopath is so painful. Not only have they manipulated us, deceived us and stolen from us, but they used our own most treasured dreams to do it.
We have lost not only our love, money, time, home, and whatever else they have taken. We’ve lost our dreams. And that hurts.
Then, of course, comes the self-criticism. Why did we believe the sociopath? Why did we wait so long to check them out? Why didn’t we listen to people who warned us? Why didn’t we listen to ourselves?
Why? Because we wanted our dreams to come true.
It’s a brilliant tactic on the part of the predators. They use our dreams to hook us, and then because of our dreams, we don’t want to let go.
Recovery
So how, as this reader asks, do you move on in life? “I’m sure the answer is in me,” she writes.
She is right. A lobotomy is not necessary, but a “pain-ectomy” is. We have real, true, genuine pain because of what the sociopath did. In my opinion, we can’t analyze away the pain, or wish it away. Pain is emotional, and the only way to release it is emotional. We have to allow ourselves to experience it.
The only way out of the pain is through it.
This isn’t pretty. In my case, I spent a lot of time crying. To get out my anger, I imagined the con man’s face in a pillow, and beat it as hard as I could. Because our dreams were damaged, the pain goes deep, and releasing it is a process. We get rid of some, and more rises to take its place.
Eventually, however, we get to the point where we’ve cried all the tears and released all the anger. We get to the point of acceptance. Something awful happened, we had a part in it, but it’s time to move on.
Then we learn something about dreams. Dreams are linked to expectations, and expectations have a down side. Sometimes, if our expectations aren’t met, we feel like we’ve failed. Or, expectations blind us to other opportunities that may come our way. Because the new opportunities do not match our expectations, we don’t even see them.
Maybe we have to give up our original dreams. But that doesn’t mean there will never be dreams again. Perhaps something better, and more fulfilling, will come along, and because we are no longer looking to make a particular dream come true, we’ll see the new opportunity.
I really respect your comments about healing Matt.
Funny it just hit me that when the insult was removed, that my family wanted me to apologize and allow that it be judged that I was stupid and reckless for my choice. No one was willing to listen or to accept that I was genuinely surprised and disappointed.
As I went through the learning curve of finding out what hit me and how it happened, it was easy to let go of the insult but it has been far more difficult not to be angry with my family for judging without being there. before, during and after the spath.
As time goes on and I find out more and more of what the backside conversations were, I am more insulted by them than by the animal who did what those animals do.
Its not about forgiving the insult. Its about forgiving the people in my life that it would have been reasonable to count on to have been there when my circumstances made me vulnerable to something like that.
I guess those are the times in life that really count.
I read that people say there is nothing you can do when someone is hooked by a spath and I think that what you can and must do is BE THERE before the Spath.
Over and over I read about how these people hook in when we are vulnerable and it is up to us and the people who love us to make sure that our loved ones and friends aren’t allowed to be so openly vulnerable.
After an episode like this for the ones who should have been there to say, I was too busy is a cop out. If the tables were turned, would that be the answer anyone else would accept?
Your people are your people. Its about taking care of your people. Whoever they are. I make different choices about how I spend my time and attention now too.
I don’t have to label them. I just have to walk away. That is the critical decision. And everything follows from it. I think I echo a common thread of experience in recognizing that much mich more was broken than just the spath, but it took the encounter to shed the light on the whole thing.
Bravo to you. And to all of the brave suvivors. It is good to be among this company if for the best reason of being among people who have experienced, learned and overcome the experience of these disordered and come very far from where they were when it happened.
silvermoon:
I can understand your anger with your family.
With respect to my family, I’m in a different place. I long ago gave up hope of getting anything I needed from them. When my parents die I think I’ll feel nothing but relief. In my case I made the conscious decision that although I would never get what I wanted or needed from them, I wanted to feel no guilt when I put them in the ground once and for all. OUr relationship is cordial, but distant. I don’t give them many details about what is going on in my life. Not only don’t they give a damn, but to do so would be giving them ammo to use against me. I find it sad that I had so much love to give them. And then that love for them went away.
I finally got a handle on my relationship with them and what they were after I read two books. The first is “If You Had Controlling Parents” by Dan Neuharth and the second is “The Betrayal Bond” by Patrick Barnes. Those two books helped me to understand exactly what our relationship was all about — and how those relationships primed me for the S-ex.
Silvermoon
25 years ago my parents heard the spath tell someone that he was only with me for my money. but they didn’t say a word to me until just last year When I had begun to figure out what my ex whas up to. now they say they want to help me and protect me.HA!
That is just another reason why I am grateful for the evil creature that entered my life. He made me see all the little evil That was already there. And I can see evil all over the world That I wouldn’t have noticed otherwise. Small slithering sneaky covert evil That I used to excuse.
Dear Matt and silver,
If I may chime in here, you both have such good points on this. I read both of those books, Matt, probably about the same time you did. I also don’t want to have any “regrets” when I put them in the ground (or in my case now, her) but when she canceled my Power of Attorney and called her physician and told him not to give me any information, she took away my ABILITY to take care of her, took away my legal authority, and guess what, she also took away my RESPONSIBILITY TO DO SO….duh! Then when the ones she had given it to BETRAYED HER (ACK!!! “But they were soooooo respectful!”) then she wanted to do a “start over” and have me assume responsibility for her care and well being—nope, doesn’t work like that! You cannot DISCARD and DEVALUE me and then expect me to come running when the ones you preferred over me throw you over.
When she discarded and devalued me, I felt the same way the same betrayal I WOULD have felt if I had come in one day and found my best friend in bed with my husband—and then he left me for her and then she dumped him and he came back and said to me, “Ah, honey, let’s just pretend none of this ever happened and start over!” LOL EXACTLY the way I would have felt if my husband and my BF had betrayed me and discarded me.
When we devalue and discard someone who loves us more than life itself, who would have given their very life’s blood for us, and then WANT TO PRETEND IT DIDN’T HAPPEN—-nah, that does NOT WORK FOR ME as Kathy Hawk would say! But that is what my egg donor has done for her entire life…she has devalued me, denigrated me, emotionally abused me, failed to protect me, and I didn’t see it until I was 60+ years old. HOW BLIND is that! That “trauma bond” or Betrayal bond, as Carnes calls it is so true…it is the Stockholm syndrome. Did you know that one of those women (at least one) waited until those robbers got out of jail 10 yrs later and married him? After being held hostage for only 36 or 48 hours, I can’t remember the exact time. Not much though.
I think that trauma bond, betrayal bond, is why SLAVERY works and has worked for eons—why women in the Middle East don’t rise up and kill every male among them as they sleep. Why Elizabeth Smart denied her idenity when she was found, by Jaycee Dugard stayed there for 19 years with that creep-o.
There are levels of it, and some people who DO escape. There is a group of women in the middle east who set themselves on fire to escape the bondage of “marriage” and “slavery” and abuse they are under in a culture where there is no escape.
I read about a woman in Egypt who is suing her father for not allowing her to marry. She is 42, a physician, but as long as he does not allow her to marry (he is her guardian) HE GETS HER SALARY–she has several sisters he does the same thing to as well. DUH! What kind of “father” would do that to his daughter?
A PSYCHOPATH who sees her as a cash cow, not a human being! Yet the “law” is not enforced that prohibits that even in that country. He gets away with it because he is male.
The emotional abuse, the soul rape, that parents can do to their children even in our culture and still “appear” as “loving parents” and “pillars of the community” is gut wrenching to say the least.
My egg donor appears to be a “sweet, saintly little old lady” and I realized, only too late by decades, that there was nothing wrong with ME, that even as a small child I had intuitively felt she was not protective or loving or caring of me—she hid it very well, even within the family and close associations. I am the one who SAW behind that hideous mask…yet she would not score very high on the PCL-R and I doubt that your parents would either, but that doesn’t mean they did not deeply wound you.
My P sperm donor would score high on the PCL-R early conduct disorder, running away from home at 8 and 10 years old, with 6 or 7 marriages, beating all of them physically, two murders than I KNOW FOR SURE ABOUT, though he claimed more, pathological lying, financial fraud, theft, etc. he would have scored at least a 36 or 38, my P son scores a 38 out of a possible 40 and would score a 40 if he had been out of prison long enough as an adult to have had “many short term marriages or relationships” but he’s only been out of prison less than a year as an adult.
The smear campaign my egg donor and my P sperm donor did to me was different in the way they went about it, and he was not believed by anyone who knew me–or anyone who knew him for that matter—but everything she has said in her “saintly” masked way has been believed….but I got to where I did not care who if anyone believed him, and I’m getting that way where she is concerned. I don’t give a big hairy rat’s behind what the “neighbors” think of me, or of her. I can live my life without her approval now because I realized I can VALIDATE myself as far as my own moral compass is concerned. Plus, I realize she does NOT have my best interest at heart, and never has had.
She was as jealous of me as the brothers of Joseph in the Bible story’s brothers were…she resented the time I spent with HER parents, she resented everything about me, because she was jealous inside her evil heart. It took me a long time to realize that the emotional abuser is just as much a psychopath as the P sperm donor was, and the PCL-R score doesn’t make or unmake a psychopath, it is only ONE INDICATOR of the evil that lies behind the mask.
Silver, I too believed that “my people” my egg donor and my son C should have risen up and defended me from my P-son, but instead they ganged up with him to “persecute” me, to drive me out of my home like the “scape goat” in the Jewish ritual who was loaded with all the sins and guilt of the entire nation and shoved out into the wilderness, defenseless to perish of hunger, thirst and violence. What kind of “parent” could do this to a child? Casey anthony? My egg donor? Your parents, Silver? Yours, Matt?
I finally got it that I owe her nothing because she devalued and discarded me, SHE threw me off defenseless and unloved, uncared for, but by doing so, she broke my trauma bond, she broke the need I had for approval from her, and made me see her for what she really is. I don’t need that presence in my life, and when the time comes that SOMEONE has to put her in the ground, it will NOT be me, and I will feel no obligation to do so. I no longer have a responsibility to her for anything, she negated that obligation and responsiblity when she discarded me.
The Biblical admonition to “honor thy father and mother” is fulfilled to my way of thinking by me becoming the kind of caring and responsible adult that WOULD bring honor to a parent—if I had one. If I had EVER had one. I became what I am not because of her but IN SPITE OF HER. I didn’t deserve the kind of mother she wasn’t and she does not deserve the kind of daughter I have become. I am FREE of the chains of slavery to propaganda that was implanted in my head when I was too young to know the difference, and which I finally saw for the lie that it was.
Great article Donna.
If we didn’t have dreams and the need of a partner to help us attain them (as in a co-worker or boss for a career) or share them with (a lover, family or friends) we wouldn’t be human.
This is the tragedy of it all….that weather we seek the dream of a family, a career, or just friendships, we do relay on other people to be part of that dream. We are allways vulnerable to being exploited and abused for the purpose of anothers agenda while in search of our dream. and when we encounter a N S P….we experiece what hell is!
They know exactly what to do, what to say and how to hook us……the ex-S had me hooked on all fronts, the promise of career, merriage, dance partners, etc…….”into our sunset years”…..I had a successfull career, a good relationship with my family ….I was sucked dry for all I had to give spiritually, emotionally, physically and eventually financially. He had me so crazy, I couldn’t function, concentrate, lost respect of my family, my friends and in the end I lost my job, robbing me of my financial stability. I am still suffering form PTSD as a result…..still depressed, anxiety ridden, and unemployed but learning day by day to move on, forgive myself, never forget, learn all I can about them and me…..I read all the books ……and move on. In my case, learn a new career.
Healing is a slow work in progress… It requires practice and patients … One day at a time……….until we dare to dream again!
Wow Oxy
Just Wow.
the pain that parental disappointment causes…there aren’t words.
Parents are SUPPOSED to love us.
But as it turns out, that was just a sense of entitlement and not real at all. Talk about disintegration crisis. I think 1 of the reasons I haven’t been able to heal is because I haven’t been able to find an explanation that I can integrate with my perception of reality that explains why my parents were the way they were.
Dear Sky,
The book that Matt talked about “If you had controlling parents” is a great one as well as “The trauma bond” by Patrick Carnes, those two books are ones That I read too, and I think you might be able to get a lot out of both of those books if you have not read them.
The controlling parents indoctornate us from a young age to please them. PArents are “god” to a small child and what they say and how they treat us has a profound impact on our self esteem etc. Good parents, bad parents, no parent is perfect, and some people do the best they can to raise and love their kids and aren’t perfect by any means but the kids with the help of the teachers and communityh and the extended family, etc. feel loved and cared about…other kiids have horrible parents and still come out okay. I’ve seen families with horrible parents who had good kids come out of them…and good parents who had horrible kids. There is a mixture of genetics and environment and each of us has FREE WILL CHOICES and so do the psychopaths.
As adults I don’t think we can “blame” all our problems on our bad parents no matter how bad they were, or that the parents can take credit for all our good no matter how good those parents were. No two people start out “equal” in this life, some people have more smarts, athletic ability, education potential, cultural advantages etc. but each of us have a choice on how we USE what we have.
The story in the bible about the man who gave his servants differnt numbers of “talents” (In that case a unit of money) to invest while he was gone—one guy got 10 talents and one 5 and one 1 talent, and each one handled it in a different way. The guy with 10 talents and 5 talents used it for investments and made a profit, but the guy with 1 talent BURIED his talent and didn’t use it a t all. His EXCUSE was he was AFRAID to use it and the master was mad and said, “well, at least you could have put it at interest and gotten me some interest on it” So the master then took away the one talent he had given them man and gave it to the man with 10 talents.
We need to USE what we have to the best ability we can, not while about not having as much as someone else. OK maybe I’m not 6 ft 5 inches and I can’t throw a foot ball or a basket ball, but I’ve got talents I CAN USE so I need to use those talents to the best of my ability.
Okay, my mommie didn’t breast feed me, so I’m gonna eat worms? NAH! I’m going to do the best I can with what I have! Life isn’t fair, but it never has been and I need to quit expecting it to be or whining because it isn’t fair. My egg donor didn’t nurture me, but I have survived in spite of that, and now I can nurture me. I can take care of myself. I came to that conclusion sort of “late in life” with 3/4 of a normal life span already passed by, but I have TODAY and I can live it however I choose to–happy or miserable, and today I choose to live it happy! To take care of myself, eat right, and learn better ways of taking care of me. Reach out to others if I can and live a satisfying and happy life.
If you haven’t read those two books both Matt and I highly recommend them. My shelf is full of quite a few good books but those are two I would save if the house was on fire!
Sky: you said: ‘That is just another reason why I am grateful for the evil creature that entered my life. He made me see all the little evil That was already there. And I can see evil all over the world That I wouldn’t have noticed otherwise. Small slithering sneaky covert evil That I used to excuse.’
I am not to grateful yet, but I SO hear you. my family don’t know that the spath was a spath – i cut out my sib and father (mother is ill) last year, when I recognized what they were. I was in a bad way, and there was no help or support coming from them. My friends, however, were around for most of the spath stuff. i seemingly didn’t get over it fast enough, and was a right killjoy. Hurts, but i also see that if they don’t have the compassion and wisdom to stick it out – then they are not as good a friends as I thought. I know i will deal with them a bit more over xmas – hmm, i mean, i may talk to them – i haven’t in months. But i wonder, what is my desired outcome? I need to know that before I do.
one of the peeps who does the neurofeedback from me told me this story – about someone who was healing from PTSD, who broke a light bulb in an outburst of anger. a week later he couldn’t figure out why, and 2 weeks later he was laughing about it…. i am meeting with a third friend this week to talk over some things – i sent her an article about PTSD and i will tell her this story – people have to have the knowledge of what they are dealing with to decide if they want to be around. also – if people can’t handle my dark and spath centric humor, well, then they can just buzz off. I NEED to have that outlet.
it’s a two sided job – this trying to have/ maintain relationships. I am just starting to feel like i have a bit of energy for them, and now i have to decide do i want the ones that are about? no, to my family; my sib is very messed up, possibly N, father is definitely N. i am saying no to all the little evils they indulge in, to the little evils that were already in my life.
I worked for a sociopath once. One day over after-work drinks he kept asking me ’what do you want’. It was the oddest question, totally out of context. I guess my spidey sense was tingling because I wouldn’t give him a straight answer which only made him more insistent.
In the end I told him, (as I foolishly thought he was talking about my career) that what I wanted wasn’t about money. Swear to god he looked at me with an expression on his face as though I’d just grown another head. Utterly baffled.
Eventually he fired me under false pretexts and continues to plague my life but that’s a story for another day.
Dear One_step,
I can hear a lot of progress in your posts since you first came here, the desperation and pain seems to be quieter and the logic and rational part seems to be emerging…with some ups and downs (which is to be expected even in those of us who have been on this path a while) Last year my melt down over son C’s lie, and this year EB’s problem with her son, Junior, but the thing is that I think the further along we get the lesss low the lows are and the shorter time we spend in those lows.
I can remember when a TINY thing would send me into a tail spit that would last days, weeks or even months, and then I went into a tail spiin the time I ran into egg donor in the grocery and it was only about 18 hours that I was in a vomiting tailspin from the encounter. Remember when you ran into your dad in the store and how it sent you for a roller coaster ride!? Same thing I think. Now those things that would have sent you into a tail spin that lasted a longer period are shorter and not so bad.
That is the progress we make, the leveling out of our stress hormones. The seeing more clearly what is going on and doing damage control before it spirals out of bounds too badly.
Your thoughts about your friends and their lack of support is I think very good, friendship IS A TWO WAY STREET, but on the other hand, if these people we thought really loved us, bolt the first time we are in need of their support, then what do we need them for? I want friends who love me more than to say “Okay, get over it now, it’s time you moved on” I want friends who will validate me as a person, validate my feelings.
They may tell me “Yes, I hear you are upset/sad/mad/depressed, but I am here for you—Now, get on with your life, but I WILL be here for you!” I only have a couple of friends like that. The rest just didn’t want to hear about my pain, and I didn’t care about their new cars/dresses/boy friends/jobs, I was just in too much pain to appreciate how great their lives were, and they were having too much fun to notice I was emotionally bleeding to death. Don’t miss’em. Better off without them!
Keep on One-step, you are one-stepping rapidly in the right direction toward healing! TOWANDA for you! To hell with the rest of the faux friends, who needs’em? (((hugs)))