Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail. In it, I felt like I was reading a rerun of my experience.
I was involved with one of those 1 to 4% sociopaths/scammers you’ve outlined in your website.
I lost everything — Long story — you already know it — he was so charming — the love of my life — kind generous, giving, very sexy in and out of bed —
Anyways, it’s been just over 3 yrs (I was only with him 2 + yrs with a 3-month breakup period. Yep I took him back — Call me a LOSER now and hit the delete button — Wait, please don’t.) and I’m living in a mobile home park. Not any of the three properties I had on a golf course. Sold two of them and the third is heading for foreclosure. Put all the money 250K+ into a condo in Mexico and took loans out on my condo that I had paid off while I was selling new homes from ’95 -’05) the year I met him to pay for “our dream” — live in Mexico. I had an offer letter to work for the Four Seasons (selling luxury time shares — the interviews were long and the background check very extensive — I passed) and that would help pay the mortgage on the 3,000 sq. ft. beachfront condo WE bought — none of his money till he made some payments. And my job would hopefully cover his expenses of running his dream job of being a charter captain on a boat that we would lease from the person we bought the condo from — OMG — Thanks for listening. I need a support group to go to but I’d rather just be one-on-one and I’ve been to the therapists — they all (so far) just watch the clock and tell me stuff I already know.
Been extremely depressed — always suffered depression but was able to work and acquire my homes. Then, all of his promises and “deals” shot all my $$ and savings out the window — at a very high speed mind you.
How long does it take to get on with life?
My friends, which are fewer nowadays, say get over it and move on. But, I considered myself to be somewhat “street smart”. And so I continue to beat myself up for the horrific financial things I did and the mess I’m in. I know I need to accept some of the blame — but — he had the plan. I didn’t know his plan and went along with the Love sick person inside of me — finally, my ugh, prince had come — yada, yada, yada.
At the end (two weeks before our big move to start our new “fabulous” lives together I finally confronted him about his 150K in credit card debt. I have no idea why I didn’t run his credit before that close to our move — other than he was always paying for everything, including ALWAYS having to upgrade our flights to first class, etc — I thought he was just spoiling me — as he told me time and again — I deserved to be treated like a lady and he was going to be the one to do that — and claiming to pay off his cards monthly with his construction job.
By the way, yes he allowed me to run his credit one night when he was having one of his daily 6 Bud Lights. I’d gone to bed early — he came home beyond plastered, woke me up from a sound sleep and poured beer all over me — threw me to the ground and threatened to kill me (“Do you want me to kill you now?”) I responded two-fold. “Why are you wasting a beer?” and “No, I’d like to make it to my 43rd b-day.”
I called the police after he got up from holding me by my neck to the ground of our bedroom floor. I called a cab, as I’d already sold my sports car (as it wouldn’t have been too practical in Mexico) stayed in a motel for 2 weeks — next day called some movers and moved all my stuff to a storage — then after two weeks in “hiding” because I was afraid he’d go to my girlfriends homes looking for me. I stayed with a girlfriend until the tenants in my condo found a new place to move.
Sorry for rambling on — to repeat it’s been just over 3 yrs and I can remember everything like it was yesterday.
How long till I regain my life? I’m sure the answer is in ME — maybe a lobotomy? Please advise or let me know that I still have a life that’s worth living. I’ll be 46 in Feb. He’ll be turning 60 next yr.
Insidious tactic
This reader described in living color probably the most insidious tactic in the sociopathic arsenal: They target our dreams.
What better way to draw us in than to promise to make our deepest desires come true? How can we resist someone who wants what we want, and seemingly has the capacity to achieve it?
And how do the sociopaths know what we want? They ask us, and we tell them.
It happens early in the relationship, under the guise of “getting to know each other.” It goes something like this:
“So,” the sociopath asks, with pitch-perfect sincerity, “what do you really want in life?”
“I want a family before I get too old,” we reply. (Or, “I want to live on the beach on a tropical island.” Or, “I want to send my kids to a top college.” Or, “I want to retire while I’m still young enough to enjoy it.”)
“That’s what I want,” the sociopath replies, with a touch of feigned surprise. “We have so much in common. We must be meant for each other.”
Painful betrayal
Dreams explain one reason why the betrayal of the sociopath is so painful. Not only have they manipulated us, deceived us and stolen from us, but they used our own most treasured dreams to do it.
We have lost not only our love, money, time, home, and whatever else they have taken. We’ve lost our dreams. And that hurts.
Then, of course, comes the self-criticism. Why did we believe the sociopath? Why did we wait so long to check them out? Why didn’t we listen to people who warned us? Why didn’t we listen to ourselves?
Why? Because we wanted our dreams to come true.
It’s a brilliant tactic on the part of the predators. They use our dreams to hook us, and then because of our dreams, we don’t want to let go.
Recovery
So how, as this reader asks, do you move on in life? “I’m sure the answer is in me,” she writes.
She is right. A lobotomy is not necessary, but a “pain-ectomy” is. We have real, true, genuine pain because of what the sociopath did. In my opinion, we can’t analyze away the pain, or wish it away. Pain is emotional, and the only way to release it is emotional. We have to allow ourselves to experience it.
The only way out of the pain is through it.
This isn’t pretty. In my case, I spent a lot of time crying. To get out my anger, I imagined the con man’s face in a pillow, and beat it as hard as I could. Because our dreams were damaged, the pain goes deep, and releasing it is a process. We get rid of some, and more rises to take its place.
Eventually, however, we get to the point where we’ve cried all the tears and released all the anger. We get to the point of acceptance. Something awful happened, we had a part in it, but it’s time to move on.
Then we learn something about dreams. Dreams are linked to expectations, and expectations have a down side. Sometimes, if our expectations aren’t met, we feel like we’ve failed. Or, expectations blind us to other opportunities that may come our way. Because the new opportunities do not match our expectations, we don’t even see them.
Maybe we have to give up our original dreams. But that doesn’t mean there will never be dreams again. Perhaps something better, and more fulfilling, will come along, and because we are no longer looking to make a particular dream come true, we’ll see the new opportunity.
One,
I know exactly what you’re talking about:
“The spath fake loved the things i most like about myself, most feel i am at core (in terms of positive inherent talents and qualities; and the things i have worked to develop). this devalued them. devalued me. i hold them at arms length ”“ afraid, more than ever, to touch them/ live them. to even feel them. this is my job. i have to reclaim them.”
That’s what J stole along with my dreams. He let me think for 8 yrs that those things that make me ME are Good Things……the things that people always liked about me….that I’m funny & brash & brazen at times, that I’m not afraid to say what I’m thinking, &, as he used to say (so lovingly), “you’re a tuff little nut…..feisty & strong.” He “liked it” that I had a “bratz” side: “waaaaa I don’t know how to do it, it’s not working…” He always smiled So Lovingly when I’d ask him for help. I loved it that he knew how to do just everything, & I loved playing the “brat”, & I thot he loved it that I thot he was so smart & strong & could take care of EveryThing for me!
Those are the very things that he told me After He Left that were so awful about me! I was so thrilled that, after having been so independent I-can-do-it-myself, I’d found someone who just loved spoiling me. Didn’t matter what it was, if it was something I’d always done, he’d say, “I’ll do it.” He so sweetly swept my independence away from me & then said, “you stopped doing those things.”
I was almost sappily spiritual when I met him….I’m an astrologer, after all….& had studied metaphysical, esoteric, world religion subjects all my life. He was cynical. I felt that I needed to keep those things to myself. We didn’t talk spirituality much anymore. He made me feel that my spirituality was childish. And then he left me for his GodlyWife—a far-right wing fundamentalist born-again christian. WhaaaaaatTF?????
Yep, One: I have a lot of things I need to reclaim, too!!!
Dreams: Funny thing. I’ve said a dozen times here that he stole my dream, even to the point of taking his family & going to live in the place I took him to, where I’d always wanted to live. Now I find out that his son’s wife has left him & taken the kids back up north, & that J & his GW are leaving there, too. So if & when I get my inheritance, I’m clear to go live there, in MY paradise. When I told him therapist about it this week, she said, “It never was his dream. It was yours all along. He couldn’t take it from you, even tho he tried.” 🙂
I guess I;m just waking up to the family piece of the puzzle. Over and over the story of the victim of the Spath has a chapter about it.
Matt, can you spare a couple of Silver bullets? LOL! Mosnter hunting seems to be a theme here…
On a note of amusement (in context), the insult wrote me love letters after he was dragged out of our home (surprise) by by US Marshalls..
He wanted me to wait for him and not to throw away our dreams.
I remember reading the letter and puzzling about what WE could possibly have dreamt to wind up in the nightmare that became my reality. It was amazing that he wrote that.
We didn’t have as many apparently, as he did…. and the fantasy that he was going to get away with the lies I guess is the most staggering one of all.
I think its like getting to base in a game of tag, once you grab the tree trunk of reality, they can’t touch you any more.
POOF! You now have back all that you were, and you have a wisdom that was expensive to acquire but which will never fade.
The socks in the dryer? well, I don’t think even Harry Potter could get those back. But ya know… I’m kinda likin’ the barefoot thing. There are things I was before I can not longer be.
But perhaps I shall become a Dragonslayer….
DANCING WARRIOR!
HIT HIM WITH ALIMONY HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE ENTITLED TO IT. There is a formula for child support, but alimony is whatever you can argue. FIGHT FOR A BIG NUMBER!
It will change his tune on the pension. He can trade it back for no alimony!
Also when the time comes he can claim your Social Security for the years you were married by law.
Dear Silvermoon,
“Perhaps I shall become a dragonslayer”
Darling I think you already ARE a DRAGON SLAYER!
I also like your analogy of the game of “tag” and getting to base, and once you hug that tree of reality they can’t touch you any more!’
TOWANDA!!!! My dear!!! TOWANDA AGAIN!!!! You go GF!!! Go gettem’!!!!
Dear Silvermoon,
Some states don’t allow allimony, and my state is one of them. VERY short term spousal support is the rule here….even for homemakers that have been stay at home for decades are SOL (chit out of luck!) for alimony. Bummer! Some states that might work though, especially for a mom…unfortunately most of the “no fault” divorce laws and courts now expect a woman to support herself unless it is a big palimony case with millions–like Mrs. Tiger Woods…I’m surprised he got out for ONLY $175 million.
Silver – did you get my skype message?
Dancingwarrior
“I can’t imagine how stressful and embarrassing it would be. But for whom? ” – YOU have nothing to be embarrassed about if you have done nothing unethical. Hold your head up high when you are in court – embarrassment is one burden you need to learn to drop. Never take responsibility or feel guilt over the actions of another (spaths or non-spaths). DO NOT OWN someone else’s rubbish; you have enough to carry.
“Would a narcissist really want to be exposed for all his lousy behaviors in public in a court of law? I’ve seen him in court before when we sued a contractor that built a leaky chimney, and he was scared of judges. So do I have an upper hand in court just because I am not scared of the law?” – yes, no, maybe. My spath had always (past 3 years) cried and trembled in court, played the pity card, pretended to be destroyed and wounded by me, been obsequious in his attempts to gain the court’s favour and avoid penalty. A month ago, I saw the REAL person in court – someone I had never seen before in this particular forum. Grandiose and arrogant beyond belief; rude and abusive to police officers who came to give evidence against him; playing to the audience which included the latest poor victim; razor-sharp attention to detail and times and dates where he had always appeared forgetful and absent-minded and disorganised before; standing tall instead of stooped over; speaking fiercely instead of hesitantly; successfully pleading a case a lawyer would have had trouble defending. He WAS convicted, by only just and only on a “point of law” – and the kicker was hearing the Magistrate all but apologise to him for having to convict him! I went home relieved about the conviction and shattered by the performance and the fact that he had the Magistrate in his pocket and eating out of his hand. In 10 years, I had NEVER seen the man that was in that courtroom on that day. I’m not sharing this to put you off – just to say that they will become whatever they need to become to get the job done their way. We can’t always assess them by what they’ve always done – in some respects, we need to assess on the potential rather than the history.
“since then he fears the law, cops, courts, judges. I believe he’d rather avoid them. And I believe he’d rather avoid the cost of trial.” – don’t you believe it for a second sister! He APPEARED to fear those things because it was part of his story, his Master plan, the perception he needed you to have of him, in order to work you over. Remember that they are so caught up in their own importance and superiority that they fear NOBOBY and NOTHING!! His only fear is the loss of the carefully constructed facade (I call it the “white picket fence”) that he does not want to have to take the trouble to reconstruct – remember that they are also inherently lazy – otherwise they would not take every opportunity to leach the life out of us the way that they do. If push comes to shove and he thinks he has a shot at hanging onto the facade by grand-standing at your expense, the money side of it will mean nothing to him – he can always con someone else and get some more $ later. The white picket fence is their most important asset; it’s what they use to get EVERYTHING ELSE. If he walked out of court financially poorer but managed to keep the facade in place, then he has just picked up one more weapon to use against you and stayed in his position of control.
Again, I am not saying DON’T go to trial. I am saying plan carefully and know the potential of what you are up against – plan each possible scenario out in advance and then practice it together with your attorney (if you have one).
Don’t be scared – be prepared. (the more I type, the cornier I sound to myself)(oh well…)
“IF we went to trial, what could I actually say to damage his credibility and reputation?” – only what you can prove – just the facts – let them speak for themselves. Can anyone provide an affidavit (written, sworn evidence) for you or come along as a witness?
“In comparison, with women being physically abused, would my story seem petty?” – it shouldn’t. In Australia, all abuse it treated with the same degree of seriousness – physical, mental, emotional, financial, social, spiritual, verbal. It all has the same effect.
“Therapists protect confidentiality I believe, so one of them couldn’t testify about his violent sexual fantasies of rape, but I could.” – check with your atty whether you can subpoena his therapist to answer just that one question, without delving any further in to “his private business” (almost choking over having to type that…). Some things CAN be released.
“I don’t even know if I could use information from his youth about drug arrests, especially if records are expunged. It may not be pertinent to the marriage.” – over here, generally not, unless drugs are still a major issue.
“I also wonder how he could sling mud to tarnish my reputation and make me look bad. Would this be woth it, to have to answer nasty questions in public?” – honey, he would already be doing that and you are going to have to face that fact regardless of trial or no trial. I went quietly in the beginning – it hasn’t stopped mine from trashing me for the past 3 years. You don’t have to answer anything to anyone in public. It’s worth practising (so that you are not knocked for a six if/when it happens) what your response would be to inappropriate or uncomfortable questioning. Have a stock-standard one-liner that you roll out regardless of the question, unless you know you can deeply trust the questioner. Something like, ‘Thank you for your kind concern. It has really all been so horrific for me that I think it will be some time before I feel okay talking about it. Would you mind if we changed the subject?” – there are plenty of people here who could jump in and do better than that (with a one-liner for you to use), and I’m sure that they will.
To trial or not to trial? Make up a list of pro’s and con’s but make sure they are REAL pro’s and con’s and not things that will or won’t happen regardless. There are some things you have NO control over – don’t try to squeeze them onto your list. Once you have worked out the different potential scenarios (all the tricks he might try), that’s how many different “con” columns you will need to have. Head them “if he does ….”
whyme – i am just going to write a bit before the day is through, about reclaiiming or loss – haven’t written it yet, so we’ll see what comes out.
i want to live with other people in community. I lived in a co-op for many years, before i moved back here. but i want something better, solid, rural, growing culinary cash crops and having artists and others about. Spath wanted most of that. in fact hat was the spathy story she used on many people – so i connected with her bs story and then she honed it for me.
i play. and i play with words. and there are some other important things about me – to me, they are important….rather fluid gender and some wild desires. all these things the spath did/ does, or pretends to be….her story ‘fit’ mine…and then she honed it.
i gave so much, revealed so much, and shared so much of myself – now, i am afraid to. i saw someone on the bus tongiht who i am miffed at – i had an interesting reaction – emotionally, i had no happy response at seeing her, and i became nervous and a bit verbally compulsive. odd reaction for me. but helpful to see – and you know, that no ‘affect’ emotionally told me A LOT. she breaks our dates all the time. i don’t like it. she breaks a date, i say fine, i have no time for the rest of the week. but i think i will talk to her soon and tell her to go away. my heart is just shut down when people act badly. it seems so minor, but it’s not to me – it just feels disrespectful. i know some of it is a sense of self pity for me – i only have so much energy and time and it can change on a dime – and it effing irritates me that i set something up with her, waste my time and am disappointed again and again. i am angry with her.
so, maybe this is a new way – not giving so much. it’s freaking lonely – but if we dust those folks out, there is room for new people who aren’t flakes.
One,
No I did not!
Whassup?
I get lonesome. I feel like I have become a monk!
It’ll turn but not, I believe before winter’s end.
Not giving so much- its the way. It must be because we ain’t goin’ THERE again!
And as you get to know people over time, then you can open up more. But make sure to know their friends and family too.
Good manners are imperative!
Are you making truffles for the holidays?
Dear One_step,
you are so right that weeding out the weeds in our lives gives room for the productive plants to grow. You garden so you know how weeds suck the life out of the plants we are trying to grow. They take the soil, the nutrition and the water like leeches. We have to weed the garden to grow food, and we have to weed our lives to grow ourselves or those weeds just suck it out of us and leave nothing for us.
Since I have culled down my rolodex, weeded my garden, gotten rid of the parasites from my life, my strength is returning to take care of me. These last few months I’ve been able to FOCUS on what I need to do for me.
If this person is making and breaking dates with you for activities on a regular basis, it shows by her ACTIONS that she does not value your company and even if she gives you advance warning rather than just stands you up, then she is still using energy that you need for other purposes that DO show some benefit.
It is NOT “minor” it is important that people in your life RESPECT you. That is NOT respect! Good call. See, I told you that you were sounding SANE!!! You are starting to see through the crazeeee BS! (((hugs)))