Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader in Holland whom we’ll call “Anika”:
Today I registered to your love fraud site. Nice that you created it. It is a great help when you are abused by a socio-psychopath whatever you call it. I’ve been divorced from mine almost 30 years. Only 3 years ago I read a book that explained to me why, after my divorce, my life changed from a drama into a hell.
And this blog and sites are very helpful. Knowledge gives power. So I am together with a cousin (who is also divorced her psychopath), working on creating something like this in Holland. In our country it seems to be an unknown subject.
I want to write especially about the troubles the Nps-ers can cause between the children and their mother or fathers. That’s what happened in my case. My ex trained the children in abusive and cruel behavior towards me.
My son doesn’t know the facts of why I divorced his father. His father (who works as a homeopathic doctor) told my kids, when they were in their puberty, that the great drama in their lives was that their mother caused them a lot off harm by having this (so called) depression after the divorce. I only found out years afterward he what did, because he never told me that he was putting this idea in their heads. (And he forgot to mention his messing around with other women and lies about that, which destroyed our marriage.)
When I asked my children if they please can explain to me what happened and how, they most of the times get very angry, start to scream at me, or walk away but cannot give any example. They avoid contact with me most of the times.
I have had no contact with my daughter for several years. One year ago I gave it another try. First by e-mail and then I paid her 2 visits that were 2 very pleasant occasions. I could feel her love, and the atmosphere was very good.
She wrote me this also in a e-mail. And then she started to create distance between her and me.
My son, luckily, has 2 kids and he likes me to be the grandmother. I am very lucky with them that contact is very good, we love each other big time.
Well that’s my story in a nutshell.
Anika’s story is just like many of the 3,600 stories that have been sent to Lovefraud—and that is exactly why I posted it. This story came from Europe. Sociopaths are everywhere—Lovefraud has received stories from all over the world. Sociopaths are in all demographic groups. They are male, female, rich, poor, all races, all religions and live in all communities.
Anika also said that sociopathy “seems to be an unknown subject” in Holland. Well, it’s an unknown subject all around the world. Yes, we’re talking about social predators here on Lovefraud, which is based in the United States, but that certainly doesn’t mean Americans have any more awareness of this personality disorder than anyone else does.
Because Hollywood and the media typically portray sociopaths as deranged serial killers, our “understanding” of them may do us more harm than good. Why? When people believe sociopaths are all deranged killers, it may blind them to the fact that a lying, manipulative, abusive partner or colleague may be a sociopath. Because the individual hasn’t killed anyone, it may be hard to believe that he or she has a serious personality disorder.
The fact that predators live among us is like a giant skeleton in the closet of the human race. It’s a massive problem that no one wants to talk about.
Defining the problem
One reason why this huge problem remains outside of our awareness is that it is poorly defined. Even though people have been talking about evil since biblical times, there is no widely accepted definition of what it is.
In my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, I suggest that the word “sociopath” be used as a generic umbrella description for social predators—people who live their lives by exploiting others. Within the framework of “sociopathy,” experts (who disagree on what to call this personality disorder and how it should be diagnosed) can define specific diagnoses, such as antisocial personality disorder, psychopathy, narcissism and borderline personality disorder.
Massive numbers
Experts estimate that up to 4% of the population have antisocial personality disorder, up to 6% have narcissistic personality disorder, and up to 2% have borderline personality disorder. Add these figures together, and as many as 12% of the people who live among us are social predators.
As of July 2012, the population of the United States was nearly 314 million. If up to 12% are sociopaths, that means as many as 37 million social predators in America.
The world population is almost 7 billion. If 12% are sociopaths, the total is a staggering 837 million. This is a massive problem.
So why are there 837 million disordered people in the world, exploiting almost everyone they meet, and most people don’t know about it? Perhaps the whole concept is just too scary.
Cultural conspiracy
Human beings are social creatures. We live in groups and depend on each other. How do we cope with the idea that some of our own species are predators? They look like us and act like us, but their objective is not to live in community with us—it is to take advantage of us and perhaps destroy us.
Maybe we just don’t want to go there. We are, after all, capable of massive conspiracy. Take Santa Claus. I’ve always been amazed that every adult in every country where Christmas is celebrated knows, in the presence of children, to keep the Santa Claus story going. So maybe we’re living with another massive cultural conspiracy that goes something like this: All people are basically good and want the same thing is life—to love and be loved.
It’s a cultural message that we hear time and time again. Unfortunately, it is not totally true. There are exceptions to this general belief in the goodness and sameness of people. The exceptions are the sociopaths.
We need to open the closet and shed light on the fact that 837 million social predators live among us. They look like us, but they do not live like us. These people do not love. They care only about power, control and dominance.
The first step towards protecting ourselves from sociopaths is knowing that they exist.
blossom and some others. yes we do have a defecit in empathy but its often not as people think. we may be wired differently but we feel the same emotions. perhaps differently i dont know. as i’m uncertain by exactly how everyday peoples feels. We may not react the same way as everyday peoples. for you and another this is a cool video made by parents of autistic children and their experiences… Souls: Beneath and Beyond Autism:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJupnNo9HWE
Adam:
http://www.foxsearchlight.com/trailer/120/trailer/
Mozart and The Whale:
http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi1152188697/
Abelrising, thank you for sharing your insight and experiences. It’s helpful to learn about things that I have no practical knowledge of.
Brightest blessings to you
20 years,
There are some TASTES that beiing able to taste is genetic. When I was in chemistry class the professor sent around these little pieces of paper with a taste on it and he said only 4% of people could taste it. There were about 150 people in the room, and I was one of the 3 or 4 who could taste it. And SMELL is a big part of being able to taste things. When I was a kid we used to play a game where you blindfolded someone and held their nose and gave them something to eat and they had to guess what it was. Of course they could only FEEL it but with their nose held could not taste it…couldn’t tell a piece of potato from an apple.
So it may be that your nose was genetically programmed to smell the stress hormonal sweat he was putting off and others couldn’t. I recall once when my husband was under stress, huge stress, he smelled like tomato plants. When the stress let up the smell stopped.
Just like when we are afraid, a dog can smell it and knows.
@abelrising- i appreciate so much your description of “tightness”, you have just identified a huge problem in my life. i sensed it, felt it, but couldn’t justify reacting to it, because i was unsure if my presence was causing it. at least now i do know that it is not to be ignored.
my grandson has aspergers and he is an empathetic blessing to this world. (and hugely to me) i might be somewhat prejudiced, though. 😉
thank you.
OxD, I remember learning that in biology class. I don’t remember if we did the experiment, but I remember the sense of smell being directly associated with taste.
Odd about this “smell” or “aroma” discussion because I remember the exspath exuding a horrible scent, frequently. He would actually smell like old beef right before it went rancid. It was the most vile aroma and I mentioned it to him only once. I, on the other hand, always “stank” of garlic and he would demand that I turn over so he wouldn’t have to smell my breath. LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I used to get an evil sense of payback when I would deliberately breathe on him after he complained.
Oh, my………interesting discussion.
Truthspeak, LOL! Garlic to keep the vampires away.
Truthspeak, we and The Other have similar deficits and conditions. Sensory issues and empathy problems to the extent that to our horror we are often described within the same vein.
But The Other is a completely different animal however. An animal that quite often has many of the similar conditions and appearances that we do but is nonetheless a completely predatory animal. we are often are on the other side of the realm falling more as prey.
But there is a primal element in us both. i may be a pasty faced nerd of a man allergic to near everything but my wife is more a wild primal stronger autistic.
She can be difficult to live with as of this moment there is a war as our nurse states no animals in the beds and as such my wife has made up a nest with the dogs on the floor… (Well she did say no animals on the bed…)
But while my wife has been moved to violence it is more as a reaction, a self defense mechanism. Bullies in school looking for a weak have erred in that assessment. But there isnt a malevolent bone in my wife’s body. but she does recognize the Other and consider themselves natural enemies. When she nearly bit The Other when he came to our home it shocked near everyone. At that point everyone feared him because there HAD to be something for my wife to react that way.
Now in moving in the world amongst you my wife and The Other avoid each other. My child will break out into a frightened keening while my while will give a warning growl… But in coming into OUR home The Other tresspassed. my wife marks her territory. much to our nurses disdain, like an animal does. Letting predators know this is OUR space.
When you let your guard down. The Other oftentimes can smell this too. Just like my wife marks her territory to let the Others know coming into our area will be problemetic for themselves. Normally in the natural world they will often pick on someone like me but avoid a stronger autistic like my wife. But like we that are not everyday peoples have often a heightened sense of smell and taste very often so does the Other…
They win inasmuch that they can hide much better amongst you while my wife and child and others like thewm stand out considerably.
carriesguns, abelrising and others:
yes, concur with the feeling of “tightness,” too. Interesting way of putting it. This is SO validating to be able to talk about these invisible sorts of awarenesses that some of us have had; for me, I hadn’t thought to put it in words before. This is so helpful.
I am reminded of when I was in the CPS-mandated family therapy with the ex-spath, his spathwife, and our 3 teenage children (this therapy-torture lasted about 5.5 months, weekly), and learning to employ Skylar’s “gray rock” technique, and the evolution of what happened to me, with my slowly dawning awareness of my “awarenesses” which at first I kind of dismissed, then grew to acknowledge as being “real” but still hard to describe or put into words.
And also, I would NOT put them in words at all to most people anyhow, because I know I would be labeled as nuts.
But, for example, I mean sitting across from the Spathwife and seeing her simultaneously as she was in our reality — and also through my 3rd eye (?), a vision (?) of her as a slithery snake with glittery scales. Seriously, I know I wasn’t imagining it. I saw it. (nuts?)
OK, so now I’m thinking about abelrising’s descriptions of how he, his wife and his daughter experienced and reacted to the smell of The Other. And if I’m reading him right, it sounds like it was a horrifying, nearly incapacitating fear, yet they were able to recognize it for what it was and respond in their defense.
I’m thinking, The Other also can probably smell (?) OUR fear, but it is impossible for me to get inside its mind to know what it seeks, wants, thinks of it.
OK, so back to the forced “therapy” — what happened to me over time was interesting. At first, I felt fear quite intensely but tried to mask it (not reveal it). But towards the end, I saw the evil for what it was, and I felt less fearful of it. I don’t mean it isn’t to be feared — just that I was more able to be Glinda, “begone! you have no power here!” which I think is an even better version of gray rock.
Not just pretending or masking (being boring), but also being very grounded and from that place, things appear more in slow motion and I feel better able to act than to re-act.
So I guess what ended up happening at the end was that I could sit there quietly, being as boring as possible, still being “myself,” and able to be assertive (not a victim) but at the same time not provocative.
It was interesting to me to see the process of awareness developing in myself, so that over time, it became very obvious that the spathcouple were putting on a show for the therapist and also for the children, trying to make it at my expense, and I would not get upset, I would not collude with them, and I would not try to unmask them, either.
I still think it was wise that I chose not to unmask them.
So I find it extremely ironic that this mandated therapy was actually VERY helpful to me, even though I feared it at the start and hated it… and I am convinced that the results are the opposite of what CPS intended.
I do not for one moment think that mandating therapy between a domestic violence victim and her abuser is ever warranted for any reason.
But now that a year and a half has passed, I can see that the experience taught me a lot. It was a good proving ground for me, a place to try out the “gray rock” tool and other tools.
Back to the “smells” and the “tightness.” I think that these types of awarenesses are something we can develop and get better at. It is also possible that these abilities are genetic. I appreciate the validation…. it is hard to acknowledge these things as “real” if I think I’m alone in experiencing them.
In the presence of the spathcouple, I could definitely perceive the “tightness” emanating from or surrounding them…. more as an observer this time.
Abelrising, all human beings have the capacity to experience the “primal” elements of humanity, IMHO. But, people who have empathy and a sense of remorse are able to move between the primal and the civilized, as needed IF (bold, italic, underlined) they are taught to respect their instincts and heed them. Spaths, on the other hand, are always in primal-mode even when they’re trying to behave as if they are moving within the realm of civilized humanity. They’re unable to completely disconnect from the primal-mode because they are 100% predatory.
Smayells – the exspath smayelled (say it out loud) like an old, room-temperature piece of beef! I feel I may be sick, now…..ruins any notion of steak for me.
my wife is always in primal mode. but she is not a predator. she has not adapted well to civilized life and my child as well will never fit into the civilized mode. my child is described more as angelic. something beyond this civilized life. my wife a more friendly and wild animal but a wild animal nontheless. The Other may best be described as a wolf. my wife like a deer.
we are not everyday peoples. we are not a danger to society but there are many aspects of us that will never quite fit in. my family can hardly be described as civilized but they have a conscience. we are dictated by a moral code that seems different than with everyday peoples but as for primal mode. my wife and child are always completely primal… LOL!