Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader in Holland whom we’ll call “Anika”:
Today I registered to your love fraud site. Nice that you created it. It is a great help when you are abused by a socio-psychopath whatever you call it. I’ve been divorced from mine almost 30 years. Only 3 years ago I read a book that explained to me why, after my divorce, my life changed from a drama into a hell.
And this blog and sites are very helpful. Knowledge gives power. So I am together with a cousin (who is also divorced her psychopath), working on creating something like this in Holland. In our country it seems to be an unknown subject.
I want to write especially about the troubles the Nps-ers can cause between the children and their mother or fathers. That’s what happened in my case. My ex trained the children in abusive and cruel behavior towards me.
My son doesn’t know the facts of why I divorced his father. His father (who works as a homeopathic doctor) told my kids, when they were in their puberty, that the great drama in their lives was that their mother caused them a lot off harm by having this (so called) depression after the divorce. I only found out years afterward he what did, because he never told me that he was putting this idea in their heads. (And he forgot to mention his messing around with other women and lies about that, which destroyed our marriage.)
When I asked my children if they please can explain to me what happened and how, they most of the times get very angry, start to scream at me, or walk away but cannot give any example. They avoid contact with me most of the times.
I have had no contact with my daughter for several years. One year ago I gave it another try. First by e-mail and then I paid her 2 visits that were 2 very pleasant occasions. I could feel her love, and the atmosphere was very good.
She wrote me this also in a e-mail. And then she started to create distance between her and me.
My son, luckily, has 2 kids and he likes me to be the grandmother. I am very lucky with them that contact is very good, we love each other big time.
Well that’s my story in a nutshell.
Anika’s story is just like many of the 3,600 stories that have been sent to Lovefraud—and that is exactly why I posted it. This story came from Europe. Sociopaths are everywhere—Lovefraud has received stories from all over the world. Sociopaths are in all demographic groups. They are male, female, rich, poor, all races, all religions and live in all communities.
Anika also said that sociopathy “seems to be an unknown subject” in Holland. Well, it’s an unknown subject all around the world. Yes, we’re talking about social predators here on Lovefraud, which is based in the United States, but that certainly doesn’t mean Americans have any more awareness of this personality disorder than anyone else does.
Because Hollywood and the media typically portray sociopaths as deranged serial killers, our “understanding” of them may do us more harm than good. Why? When people believe sociopaths are all deranged killers, it may blind them to the fact that a lying, manipulative, abusive partner or colleague may be a sociopath. Because the individual hasn’t killed anyone, it may be hard to believe that he or she has a serious personality disorder.
The fact that predators live among us is like a giant skeleton in the closet of the human race. It’s a massive problem that no one wants to talk about.
Defining the problem
One reason why this huge problem remains outside of our awareness is that it is poorly defined. Even though people have been talking about evil since biblical times, there is no widely accepted definition of what it is.
In my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, I suggest that the word “sociopath” be used as a generic umbrella description for social predators—people who live their lives by exploiting others. Within the framework of “sociopathy,” experts (who disagree on what to call this personality disorder and how it should be diagnosed) can define specific diagnoses, such as antisocial personality disorder, psychopathy, narcissism and borderline personality disorder.
Massive numbers
Experts estimate that up to 4% of the population have antisocial personality disorder, up to 6% have narcissistic personality disorder, and up to 2% have borderline personality disorder. Add these figures together, and as many as 12% of the people who live among us are social predators.
As of July 2012, the population of the United States was nearly 314 million. If up to 12% are sociopaths, that means as many as 37 million social predators in America.
The world population is almost 7 billion. If 12% are sociopaths, the total is a staggering 837 million. This is a massive problem.
So why are there 837 million disordered people in the world, exploiting almost everyone they meet, and most people don’t know about it? Perhaps the whole concept is just too scary.
Cultural conspiracy
Human beings are social creatures. We live in groups and depend on each other. How do we cope with the idea that some of our own species are predators? They look like us and act like us, but their objective is not to live in community with us—it is to take advantage of us and perhaps destroy us.
Maybe we just don’t want to go there. We are, after all, capable of massive conspiracy. Take Santa Claus. I’ve always been amazed that every adult in every country where Christmas is celebrated knows, in the presence of children, to keep the Santa Claus story going. So maybe we’re living with another massive cultural conspiracy that goes something like this: All people are basically good and want the same thing is life—to love and be loved.
It’s a cultural message that we hear time and time again. Unfortunately, it is not totally true. There are exceptions to this general belief in the goodness and sameness of people. The exceptions are the sociopaths.
We need to open the closet and shed light on the fact that 837 million social predators live among us. They look like us, but they do not live like us. These people do not love. They care only about power, control and dominance.
The first step towards protecting ourselves from sociopaths is knowing that they exist.
EXACTLY!!!!
If some magic wand was to be waved so the public at large becomes more acutely aware AND places the blame where it belongs, we would” come a long way baby”!!!!
Imara,
Instead the public is taught that ALL can be redeemed with love and caring. Excuse me while I puke.
No one is responsible for their behavior because….it is their abusive background, they were harshly potty trained, their mother didn’t breast feed them, they never had a chance. That’s as rich as a foot up a bull’s butt!
It boils down to CHOICES versus MISTAKES. A mistake is when you add up your checking account and over draw because you added wrong, a CHOICE is when you KNOW the account is closed and you write a check anyway.
People who rob a bank CHOOSE TO ROB, it is NOT A MISTAKE.
I hate it when someone goes to prison for a crime and they come out and say “Oh, I made a mistake” NO!!! YOU MADE A CHOICE…A BAD ONE, BUT A CHOICE. Take responsibility for CHOICE. I made a CHOICE to be “supportive” of my stealing and murdering son, it was a BAD choice, but it had consequences that I am RESPONSIBLE FOR. Doesn’t excuse HIS BEHAVIOR, BUT IT DOES PUT SOME OF THE RESPONSIBILITY ON ME for letting it go on when I knew he was a liar.
I did some research on body odors,and it seems there is a metabolic disorder named Trimethylamineuria (hope I spelled that correctly) that causes a rotting or fish-like odor.A fungus growth in the intestines can cause a mildew/musty smell.I thought about my husband’s love for mushrooms when I read that,lol!He also has diabetes and is morbidly overweight,so bacterial infections would also explain the odors.
Nitzavim(Deuteronomy 29:9-30:20)
“See I have placed before you life and good, and death and evil(1) … I have placed life and death before you, blessing and curse; and you shall choose life so that you and your offspring will live.” (2)
destiny isn’t chance. We have been given free will to choose our own destinys.
even if there is a dna pattern that wires one a certain way a person can choose to fight that inclination.
Having read Anika’s story, I felt I would like to write a short reply,I have not posted anything for some time due to having had breast cancer,but now in remission.
I have learned because of the cancer that I am very important to myself, I am no longer angry with what a sociopath did to me,it is just like a bad dream these days.
Donna Anderson’s book has helped me a great deal, I have now given it to my son to read, as he was married to a narcissist / sociopath, he married her she was divorced and had two children from a previous marriage [a Dutchman] they had another child together, that was being trained to hate his my son we believe from when it was a baby. Recently she moved on to a another bloke and broke up his marriage.
To cut along story short her first husband told my son some years ago that she would do to him the same as she did to him, and sure enough she has right down to with holding the child,my son found all the former documents in relation to what she did to husband number one, including how she did try to frame him as a violent person,my son has handed all of that over to his solicitor, she told him that she has not come across such evil and vicious person for a long time.
It is not only women that are victims of narcissist /sociopath it is also man that become victims.
I found also a book by Barbara Oakley, EVIL GENES: Why Rome Fell, Hitler Rose, Enron Failed, and My …www.evilgenes.com/
Evil Genes is a unique non-fiction thriller in part by author Barbara Oakley’s unusual sister, an amoral woman who died under mysterious circumstances …
I found this very interesting as it is based on facts and also helped me to understand that those people are born like this.
Her new book is out, but i t is still $50 and even used ones are $45, so will wait on it. Read a killer review of it though. It is about altruism, Pathological Altruism. Can’t wait for the price to come down. I’ve been waiting for nearly a year now, but will wait a while longer I guess.
abelrising,
When I read Ox Drover’s post about choices,my mind went immediately to the scripture you quoted;of when Moses told the Israelites they had two choices they could make and what the results of each choice would be.I also agree with your comment about free will and fighting wrong inclinations.
I took the afternoon off to take my car in, then the car corrected itself (electrical glitch) so I got the afternoon to catch up on the LF blog.
As for being clean, he had a poster in the bathroom and kitchen about little demon germs that were lurking. We had to get silestone counter tops to be germ free, I could not use a sponge anywhere, he even accused me of BO one time (to avoid sex) HOWEVER, when we were separated he did not change his sheets on his 30 yr old urin soaked matress for months, used condoms under the bed, dirty underwear piled up in a corner of the bedroom, his teeth were brown from smoking, burn holes in the backseat of his 180, Benz, and his wanger did not discriminate with what he picked up at the bar at closing time.
As for creepy sex.
He would never see my face. It was an act to humiliate me and then go out on the balcony to smoke and nearly break his neck to peep into our single female neighbors bedroom window or watch porn on the internet.
He could get any woman anywhere, any time, for anything he wanted. He was so “suave” that people fell over themselfs to hook him up with anything he wanted – right in front of me! His sister is a carbon copy of him.
Any chance I get I promote LF. Any chance I get I’ll be graphic until there is enough light on this monster to expose them.
abelrising,
Thanks for answering my question. I’m intrigued by your posts and was wondering what your experience with a spath involved.
It’s interesting how your wife and child reacted to that guy. I think some people have a keener sense of danger and a stronger intuition than others. I’ve had friends tell me that they were afraid of my ex (when we were still married), that he gave them the “creeps” or “heebie jeebies” etc. Two of my friends were told by their husbands to stay away from me because they thought my husband was dangerous. Two other friends of mine told me that their children were afraid of my ex even though these children had only seen him a handful of times and had almost no interaction with him. And after I finally got separated I had several people tell me that they were uncomfortable around him and/or afraid of him. I wonder how the hell I missed it when we were dating.