Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader in Holland whom we’ll call “Anika”:
Today I registered to your love fraud site. Nice that you created it. It is a great help when you are abused by a socio-psychopath whatever you call it. I’ve been divorced from mine almost 30 years. Only 3 years ago I read a book that explained to me why, after my divorce, my life changed from a drama into a hell.
And this blog and sites are very helpful. Knowledge gives power. So I am together with a cousin (who is also divorced her psychopath), working on creating something like this in Holland. In our country it seems to be an unknown subject.
I want to write especially about the troubles the Nps-ers can cause between the children and their mother or fathers. That’s what happened in my case. My ex trained the children in abusive and cruel behavior towards me.
My son doesn’t know the facts of why I divorced his father. His father (who works as a homeopathic doctor) told my kids, when they were in their puberty, that the great drama in their lives was that their mother caused them a lot off harm by having this (so called) depression after the divorce. I only found out years afterward he what did, because he never told me that he was putting this idea in their heads. (And he forgot to mention his messing around with other women and lies about that, which destroyed our marriage.)
When I asked my children if they please can explain to me what happened and how, they most of the times get very angry, start to scream at me, or walk away but cannot give any example. They avoid contact with me most of the times.
I have had no contact with my daughter for several years. One year ago I gave it another try. First by e-mail and then I paid her 2 visits that were 2 very pleasant occasions. I could feel her love, and the atmosphere was very good.
She wrote me this also in a e-mail. And then she started to create distance between her and me.
My son, luckily, has 2 kids and he likes me to be the grandmother. I am very lucky with them that contact is very good, we love each other big time.
Well that’s my story in a nutshell.
Anika’s story is just like many of the 3,600 stories that have been sent to Lovefraud—and that is exactly why I posted it. This story came from Europe. Sociopaths are everywhere—Lovefraud has received stories from all over the world. Sociopaths are in all demographic groups. They are male, female, rich, poor, all races, all religions and live in all communities.
Anika also said that sociopathy “seems to be an unknown subject” in Holland. Well, it’s an unknown subject all around the world. Yes, we’re talking about social predators here on Lovefraud, which is based in the United States, but that certainly doesn’t mean Americans have any more awareness of this personality disorder than anyone else does.
Because Hollywood and the media typically portray sociopaths as deranged serial killers, our “understanding” of them may do us more harm than good. Why? When people believe sociopaths are all deranged killers, it may blind them to the fact that a lying, manipulative, abusive partner or colleague may be a sociopath. Because the individual hasn’t killed anyone, it may be hard to believe that he or she has a serious personality disorder.
The fact that predators live among us is like a giant skeleton in the closet of the human race. It’s a massive problem that no one wants to talk about.
Defining the problem
One reason why this huge problem remains outside of our awareness is that it is poorly defined. Even though people have been talking about evil since biblical times, there is no widely accepted definition of what it is.
In my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, I suggest that the word “sociopath” be used as a generic umbrella description for social predators—people who live their lives by exploiting others. Within the framework of “sociopathy,” experts (who disagree on what to call this personality disorder and how it should be diagnosed) can define specific diagnoses, such as antisocial personality disorder, psychopathy, narcissism and borderline personality disorder.
Massive numbers
Experts estimate that up to 4% of the population have antisocial personality disorder, up to 6% have narcissistic personality disorder, and up to 2% have borderline personality disorder. Add these figures together, and as many as 12% of the people who live among us are social predators.
As of July 2012, the population of the United States was nearly 314 million. If up to 12% are sociopaths, that means as many as 37 million social predators in America.
The world population is almost 7 billion. If 12% are sociopaths, the total is a staggering 837 million. This is a massive problem.
So why are there 837 million disordered people in the world, exploiting almost everyone they meet, and most people don’t know about it? Perhaps the whole concept is just too scary.
Cultural conspiracy
Human beings are social creatures. We live in groups and depend on each other. How do we cope with the idea that some of our own species are predators? They look like us and act like us, but their objective is not to live in community with us—it is to take advantage of us and perhaps destroy us.
Maybe we just don’t want to go there. We are, after all, capable of massive conspiracy. Take Santa Claus. I’ve always been amazed that every adult in every country where Christmas is celebrated knows, in the presence of children, to keep the Santa Claus story going. So maybe we’re living with another massive cultural conspiracy that goes something like this: All people are basically good and want the same thing is life—to love and be loved.
It’s a cultural message that we hear time and time again. Unfortunately, it is not totally true. There are exceptions to this general belief in the goodness and sameness of people. The exceptions are the sociopaths.
We need to open the closet and shed light on the fact that 837 million social predators live among us. They look like us, but they do not live like us. These people do not love. They care only about power, control and dominance.
The first step towards protecting ourselves from sociopaths is knowing that they exist.
Abelrising, thank you for sharing your experiences with us. You used the word “tightness” to describe the dangerous man’s presence. This is what I felt when my abuser was next to me, “tightness” , a tension, in the air around me, and in my body. I am very saddened to learn that your daughter was murdered. My best wishes to you and your wife.
Imara and lewisham, welcome to LoveFraud.
abelrising, I hear your frustration in not being able to STOP the “other” from murdering your nurse. Prevention is only for those who can and will go NO CONTACT. I tried to save my maternal DNA donor but she refuses to be saved. She is in denial.
There are none so blind as those who WILL NOT SEE. None so deaf as those who WILL NOT HEAR.
Abel, personally I think you must have more empathy than you think you do, Dr. Simon Baron-Cohen’s book about the bell curve of empathy shows that all but the deepest autistic or psychopath lack ALL empathy. Anyway, glad you are here and maybe we can help you after all, at least share your journey. God bless.
it was my nurses daughter that was murdered. my daughter is severely autistic so she does not date. Also to get to my daughter he would have had to go through my autistic wife first. and my wife would have torn him apart. the strength of several men in a feral autistic and lack of sense of pain he would not have dared it. he would not attack us in such a manner. our nurse who loves us and knows us was struck with so much fear at my wife and child’s reaction to him that she sent her daughter away. he manipulated and charmed her back. we have much beloved everyday peoples that are quite dear to us although they are not technically family but care for us and protect us.
Abelrising, THANK YOU For sharing your story, and insight. My heart broke for you, your family, the precious life that was slaughtered. That being an extreme case, things like that do happen all the time! As I read your post, you and your family sensed something was wrong, wanted to do something about it, but couldn’t. Part of the problem in our society, people just do not want to face the fact, that this EVIL IS REAL! Best wishes to you and your family, hope you stay around and continue to share your insights with all of us! Sincerely, Radar
we have empathy. it is a different kind. just as we have souls. just different souls. like The Other we are wired differently. not particurly broken even as we suffer many chronic ailments. sour differences may be so extreme as to be very painful to us in this world. physical discomforts mostly.
my wife recognizes sickness in everyday peoples. she can pinpoint diabetes or cancer and other ailments in peoples. while this extreme sense of smell is recognized in her and my child when i explain that anger and sadness has a scent. a change in how the body moves a different scent. this is discarded. there be sickness in peoples. some of it be physical. some of it be mental. each has a different scent. The Other does not smell sick although it can be sick as well. but many Others are not sick just wired differenetly. i pity them for they do not have a soul smell. there is no scent there. it’s misssing. many others have healthy bodies but no soul scent.
I’ve come to believe that the word “reprobate” may possibly be the biblical term for psychopath/sociopath. Christians almost never speak of reprobates even though it’s a biblical term and they tent to treat the condition as if it’s an almost unheard of situation, because like one poster here said, we want to believe that there is good in everyone and that every person is redeemable.
Every day peoples have soul smells.
everyday peoples are the majority of peoples.
we are not everyday peoples.
but we have soul smells too. but our soul smell is quite different.
there are everyday peoples that become sick. weak and sick soul smells too. and such sickness can make them a danger to yourselves and ourselves.
we that are not everyday peoples are often afflicted with many varied conditions and there be many of us that can not survive or adjust to society well. we can become a burden to society inasmuch that many of us will require care and support from everyday peoples to survive. but we do not intend to be a problem. we simply are. allergies, sensory issues, a painful and confusing existence living in our own skins. the way we think. the reality is my wife and child and others like them will not survive without assistance or care for all their lives. but they/we will not never knowingly hurt you. we see and experience the world different than everyday peoples. in many ways we are ruled by a higher moral and ethical code as than everyday peoples. sometimes some autistic peoples become sick but sometimes The Other has conditions that may seem similar to us they are not like us.
the other is simply a different animal. a dangerous one and while very often not sick it is a different animal that is dangerous to you and ourselves. it has no souls scent. it has a different spirit scent but too often no soul scent.
but in other aspects i do not know how such an animal with so similar dificits can move so easily in your world while so many of us can not. The Other has enough insight to what makes everyday peoples tick. but after almost 40 years you are all still such a mystery to me.
http://www.emilywillinghamphd.com/2012/12/autism-empathy-and-violence-one-of.html
this explains the differences in empathy that makes more sense.
Lovingthem, the spsth that i am currently married too, ( we are in the process of getting divorced and he is no longer in my home) I Firmly believe he is the biblical definition of a total reprobate. What made him even more insidious, Is the fact that we met at church, His cloak of in filtrate ing my life, He used the church, His Bible, He used Christianity, He even used God. If 1 does a study on the term reprobate, And you look up all the words That define a reprobate, It is absolutely horrifying. Words such as, Transgressor, malefactor, Judas, viper, demon, bully, hell-bender, monster, betrayer, villainous, waster, malevolent, seducer, w**** master, debauchee, hellhound, deceiver. I know beyond any shadow of any doubt, that the entity that I am divorcing, is a total reprobate. This person has no conscience whatsoever…..
ABELRISING, you are right, the body does SMELL different. We have several kinds of sweat glands. One kind gives off salt and water when we are hot, the other kind gives off a musk when we are nervous, anxious, fearful, feeling sexual, and other times as well. It has a distinct SMELL. Lots of people say when a person has had sex they can “smell” it on them, and what they are smelling is this musk scent, but you are RIGHT different smells are given off by differences in people, in what they eat, and different diseases they can have.
Being sensitive enough to smell these things is a gift, Abelrising.
People pour on perfumes and scented soaps to cover up the natural body odors and the other things we smell overpower most of us being able to smell those things.