Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader in Holland whom we’ll call “Anika”:
Today I registered to your love fraud site. Nice that you created it. It is a great help when you are abused by a socio-psychopath whatever you call it. I’ve been divorced from mine almost 30 years. Only 3 years ago I read a book that explained to me why, after my divorce, my life changed from a drama into a hell.
And this blog and sites are very helpful. Knowledge gives power. So I am together with a cousin (who is also divorced her psychopath), working on creating something like this in Holland. In our country it seems to be an unknown subject.
I want to write especially about the troubles the Nps-ers can cause between the children and their mother or fathers. That’s what happened in my case. My ex trained the children in abusive and cruel behavior towards me.
My son doesn’t know the facts of why I divorced his father. His father (who works as a homeopathic doctor) told my kids, when they were in their puberty, that the great drama in their lives was that their mother caused them a lot off harm by having this (so called) depression after the divorce. I only found out years afterward he what did, because he never told me that he was putting this idea in their heads. (And he forgot to mention his messing around with other women and lies about that, which destroyed our marriage.)
When I asked my children if they please can explain to me what happened and how, they most of the times get very angry, start to scream at me, or walk away but cannot give any example. They avoid contact with me most of the times.
I have had no contact with my daughter for several years. One year ago I gave it another try. First by e-mail and then I paid her 2 visits that were 2 very pleasant occasions. I could feel her love, and the atmosphere was very good.
She wrote me this also in a e-mail. And then she started to create distance between her and me.
My son, luckily, has 2 kids and he likes me to be the grandmother. I am very lucky with them that contact is very good, we love each other big time.
Well that’s my story in a nutshell.
Anika’s story is just like many of the 3,600 stories that have been sent to Lovefraud—and that is exactly why I posted it. This story came from Europe. Sociopaths are everywhere—Lovefraud has received stories from all over the world. Sociopaths are in all demographic groups. They are male, female, rich, poor, all races, all religions and live in all communities.
Anika also said that sociopathy “seems to be an unknown subject” in Holland. Well, it’s an unknown subject all around the world. Yes, we’re talking about social predators here on Lovefraud, which is based in the United States, but that certainly doesn’t mean Americans have any more awareness of this personality disorder than anyone else does.
Because Hollywood and the media typically portray sociopaths as deranged serial killers, our “understanding” of them may do us more harm than good. Why? When people believe sociopaths are all deranged killers, it may blind them to the fact that a lying, manipulative, abusive partner or colleague may be a sociopath. Because the individual hasn’t killed anyone, it may be hard to believe that he or she has a serious personality disorder.
The fact that predators live among us is like a giant skeleton in the closet of the human race. It’s a massive problem that no one wants to talk about.
Defining the problem
One reason why this huge problem remains outside of our awareness is that it is poorly defined. Even though people have been talking about evil since biblical times, there is no widely accepted definition of what it is.
In my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, I suggest that the word “sociopath” be used as a generic umbrella description for social predators—people who live their lives by exploiting others. Within the framework of “sociopathy,” experts (who disagree on what to call this personality disorder and how it should be diagnosed) can define specific diagnoses, such as antisocial personality disorder, psychopathy, narcissism and borderline personality disorder.
Massive numbers
Experts estimate that up to 4% of the population have antisocial personality disorder, up to 6% have narcissistic personality disorder, and up to 2% have borderline personality disorder. Add these figures together, and as many as 12% of the people who live among us are social predators.
As of July 2012, the population of the United States was nearly 314 million. If up to 12% are sociopaths, that means as many as 37 million social predators in America.
The world population is almost 7 billion. If 12% are sociopaths, the total is a staggering 837 million. This is a massive problem.
So why are there 837 million disordered people in the world, exploiting almost everyone they meet, and most people don’t know about it? Perhaps the whole concept is just too scary.
Cultural conspiracy
Human beings are social creatures. We live in groups and depend on each other. How do we cope with the idea that some of our own species are predators? They look like us and act like us, but their objective is not to live in community with us—it is to take advantage of us and perhaps destroy us.
Maybe we just don’t want to go there. We are, after all, capable of massive conspiracy. Take Santa Claus. I’ve always been amazed that every adult in every country where Christmas is celebrated knows, in the presence of children, to keep the Santa Claus story going. So maybe we’re living with another massive cultural conspiracy that goes something like this: All people are basically good and want the same thing is life—to love and be loved.
It’s a cultural message that we hear time and time again. Unfortunately, it is not totally true. There are exceptions to this general belief in the goodness and sameness of people. The exceptions are the sociopaths.
We need to open the closet and shed light on the fact that 837 million social predators live among us. They look like us, but they do not live like us. These people do not love. They care only about power, control and dominance.
The first step towards protecting ourselves from sociopaths is knowing that they exist.
Ablerising, thank you for the link you posted! Hope you will be a regular poster here at lovefraud. We learned so much from each other! Thank you again for sharing with us! Sincerely, Radar
Radar on, I agree with you that a person with a “reprobate mind” is the Biblical definition of a psychopath. I do believe that while DNA does have an influence on them, I believe that they have CHOICES and they choose to be like they are. At some point though, they pass a point of NO RETURN and there is NO going back, they are at the point of being “reprobate minds.”
Just as a person with the DNA for alcoholism can CHOOSE to drink or not, at some point they reach a point where enough brain cells have died that there is no choosing to stop any more, they have reached the point of no return. The DNA may have made alcohol more of a temptation for them than it is for me, but I can have a glass of wine and stop, but the DNA drives them on. My drugs of choice are nicotine and caffine. But I stopped smoking entirely, and I have limited my caffine t a very little.
Jesus said there would be “wolves in sheep’s clothing” come into the church and we can look around us and see that He was RIGHT, many people who pretend to be Christians are molesting children, using money donated to the ministry to live like kings, etc. so it is everywhere. But we don’t have to associate with those people. In fact, we are warned not to associate with them, not even to eat with them…that is the in my mind the Biblical command for NO CONTACT, call it “shunning” if you will, but I believe it is the ONLY defense we have against most of these people.
it is a sad animal but hatred is a disease in itself. many everyday peoples deceive. but i do not hate them. i do not hate the Other. it is what it is and if born that way then i’m sure that God created him for a reason that i do not question. religion and the church has been used to judge and create havoc upon others. the road to hell was paved with good intentions. it is what it is but do not let The Other dictate your outlook on life. if you allow the Other to seep into and damage your soul. who wins? money, love friendship. the life you thought was real can be replaced. but don’t let The Other consume you with hate. for then you allow the Other to acquire the ability to poison you. and The Other does delight in that sort of destruction. the destruction of hope and the birth of hatred. The Other glories in attention…
Abelrising, my best male friend has Asperger’s. He lives alone, because his marriage to an everyday woman ended. She didn’t understand his need to be alone for hours every day, and he dislikes sex as he finds it too stimulating. He prefers to be calm, not excited. I used to ask myself if he loved me because he can behave in a very aloof way. But when he knows I am sad or hurt he gives me a smoke alarm, or a mortice lock, or a case for my glasses, and I know he loves me, that his gifts are his way of telling me that he wants me to be safe.
Yes, that is a wonderful post from this very caring woman. She sounds extremely wise as well.
abelrising ~
Thank you for your posts and your link to emily willingham’s piece.
Thank you, thank you, that’s all I can say right now. I am raising my grandson, he has been diagnosed with high functioning autism with sensory issues.
Thank you.
i do believe in the shunning method. mark them and isolate them. i live in a death penalty state and can not stomache the thought of the killing of another human life. it is against the natural order of things. death is a natural process. we are all going to die one day. but it’s a process. no. i can not think of such a thing. i can live with the tragic result of a car accident but can not be part of the killing of another. yes he slaughtered that girl. but i can accept life in prison. we are not the Other. in self defense. to hunt for food an animal who has no fear of its own demise is one thing. but the Other knows fear of its own death. i can not hold myself to be part of causing another that sort of fear. to kill as punishment i can’t accept. it is wrong. it is against the natural order of life. so yes i believe in shunning separate from the rest of society as a form of self preservation.
Oxy, i agree with your posting @4:16!!! Once Those who have been turned to a reprobate mind, there is NO return. There is no therapy, there is no medication, there is no prison, counseling, or anything. There is no redemption for reprobates.
the best course is no contact. but to have no contact there should be awareness. as much as the autism awareness has been such that we are considered an epidemic with awareness ribbons all over. and yet i will assess that The Others numbers are far higher than ours and has impacted society as a whole more severely and as such society has suffered by their hands for millenias now and yet here we are where people seem to want to ignore the issue, deny the problem still. where are the pyschopath awareness ribbons? the best form of prevention is awareness and isolating those that can and will hurt us and others.
Ablerising….AMEN! 🙂