Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader in Holland whom we’ll call “Anika”:
Today I registered to your love fraud site. Nice that you created it. It is a great help when you are abused by a socio-psychopath whatever you call it. I’ve been divorced from mine almost 30 years. Only 3 years ago I read a book that explained to me why, after my divorce, my life changed from a drama into a hell.
And this blog and sites are very helpful. Knowledge gives power. So I am together with a cousin (who is also divorced her psychopath), working on creating something like this in Holland. In our country it seems to be an unknown subject.
I want to write especially about the troubles the Nps-ers can cause between the children and their mother or fathers. That’s what happened in my case. My ex trained the children in abusive and cruel behavior towards me.
My son doesn’t know the facts of why I divorced his father. His father (who works as a homeopathic doctor) told my kids, when they were in their puberty, that the great drama in their lives was that their mother caused them a lot off harm by having this (so called) depression after the divorce. I only found out years afterward he what did, because he never told me that he was putting this idea in their heads. (And he forgot to mention his messing around with other women and lies about that, which destroyed our marriage.)
When I asked my children if they please can explain to me what happened and how, they most of the times get very angry, start to scream at me, or walk away but cannot give any example. They avoid contact with me most of the times.
I have had no contact with my daughter for several years. One year ago I gave it another try. First by e-mail and then I paid her 2 visits that were 2 very pleasant occasions. I could feel her love, and the atmosphere was very good.
She wrote me this also in a e-mail. And then she started to create distance between her and me.
My son, luckily, has 2 kids and he likes me to be the grandmother. I am very lucky with them that contact is very good, we love each other big time.
Well that’s my story in a nutshell.
Anika’s story is just like many of the 3,600 stories that have been sent to Lovefraud—and that is exactly why I posted it. This story came from Europe. Sociopaths are everywhere—Lovefraud has received stories from all over the world. Sociopaths are in all demographic groups. They are male, female, rich, poor, all races, all religions and live in all communities.
Anika also said that sociopathy “seems to be an unknown subject” in Holland. Well, it’s an unknown subject all around the world. Yes, we’re talking about social predators here on Lovefraud, which is based in the United States, but that certainly doesn’t mean Americans have any more awareness of this personality disorder than anyone else does.
Because Hollywood and the media typically portray sociopaths as deranged serial killers, our “understanding” of them may do us more harm than good. Why? When people believe sociopaths are all deranged killers, it may blind them to the fact that a lying, manipulative, abusive partner or colleague may be a sociopath. Because the individual hasn’t killed anyone, it may be hard to believe that he or she has a serious personality disorder.
The fact that predators live among us is like a giant skeleton in the closet of the human race. It’s a massive problem that no one wants to talk about.
Defining the problem
One reason why this huge problem remains outside of our awareness is that it is poorly defined. Even though people have been talking about evil since biblical times, there is no widely accepted definition of what it is.
In my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, I suggest that the word “sociopath” be used as a generic umbrella description for social predators—people who live their lives by exploiting others. Within the framework of “sociopathy,” experts (who disagree on what to call this personality disorder and how it should be diagnosed) can define specific diagnoses, such as antisocial personality disorder, psychopathy, narcissism and borderline personality disorder.
Massive numbers
Experts estimate that up to 4% of the population have antisocial personality disorder, up to 6% have narcissistic personality disorder, and up to 2% have borderline personality disorder. Add these figures together, and as many as 12% of the people who live among us are social predators.
As of July 2012, the population of the United States was nearly 314 million. If up to 12% are sociopaths, that means as many as 37 million social predators in America.
The world population is almost 7 billion. If 12% are sociopaths, the total is a staggering 837 million. This is a massive problem.
So why are there 837 million disordered people in the world, exploiting almost everyone they meet, and most people don’t know about it? Perhaps the whole concept is just too scary.
Cultural conspiracy
Human beings are social creatures. We live in groups and depend on each other. How do we cope with the idea that some of our own species are predators? They look like us and act like us, but their objective is not to live in community with us—it is to take advantage of us and perhaps destroy us.
Maybe we just don’t want to go there. We are, after all, capable of massive conspiracy. Take Santa Claus. I’ve always been amazed that every adult in every country where Christmas is celebrated knows, in the presence of children, to keep the Santa Claus story going. So maybe we’re living with another massive cultural conspiracy that goes something like this: All people are basically good and want the same thing is life—to love and be loved.
It’s a cultural message that we hear time and time again. Unfortunately, it is not totally true. There are exceptions to this general belief in the goodness and sameness of people. The exceptions are the sociopaths.
We need to open the closet and shed light on the fact that 837 million social predators live among us. They look like us, but they do not live like us. These people do not love. They care only about power, control and dominance.
The first step towards protecting ourselves from sociopaths is knowing that they exist.
I agree too…. for those who are biblically defined as reprobate, there was a choice and there is no return. I believe the science that points to a possible genetic link in psychopathy, but I also believe that the person makes a conscious choice, or a series of choices before they cross that line which the bible defines as reprobate.
Radar-On, the spath I divorced also used the Bible, church, his so called “spirituality” and a pseudo “morality” to ensnare me. And yes, those terms are horrifying. People who don’t understand this kind of evil do not understand my fear of him.
And yes, NO CONTACT is definitely our best defense and I agree that the Bible teaches that as well. We are to have nothing to do with them because they are dangerous.
Lovingthem, i so agree! The R-bate that I am divorcing is soooooo arrogant in his “spirituality”. He will sit and run his mouth about other people, all the while he is doing what he does at the same time. But he is sooooo righteous! Ughhhhhhhhh! VOMIT! Vomit! Vomit!
You see, when I first met him he talked about “morality” like it was the “high road” very few attain, and like it was his goal and deepest desire. Ha!!! What a joke! I was so blind to the truth that he was only using my love for truth, justice and morality to deceive me and to reign me in. He talked about Jesus like He was the love of his life and he even wore a WWJD bracelet!!!!!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT??? He told me when we were dating that the most important thing to him was his “faith community” but after we got married it became apparent that he had zero interest in church or people, except to use and exploit them. He used to tell me when we were dating that God had gifted him with empathy (of all things) and that he wanted nothing more than to help “God’s people” through his career (psychologist) and with his gift of “empathy.” Yeah right. After we got married he began hurling racial slurs (which I’d never heard once when we were dating) and his clients all became “worthless b*st*rds” who should “do society a favor and kill themselves.” Can you imagine my shock and dismay when the real man I married revealed himself after the wedding?
Lovingthem, eugh……….. I can identify with the collapse of the “moral high road” after entering the legal, binding contract of marriage. Just…………….ew.
Brightest blessings
Lovingthem, yes! I SOOOOO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!!! Have you ever posted your story here at love fraud? Something tells me our stories have many parallels.
Yes…while they wear their mask they are difficult to detect…BUT I firmly believe that these individuals manage to wreck SO much havoc only because good conciencious people think that minding their own business means total suspension of moral or ethical judgement. If more people were taught to speak up in the defense of the greater good…it would make it harder for these predators to isolate their prey…and to then get away with all the image management that they tend to do. I have learnt not to be silent when I percieve that an ethical or moral code is being breached.
Imara, agreed! 🙂
This speaks to Donna saying that maybe as a species we”just dont want to go there”…. There is a LOT of us who are there or have been there Donna!!! We have been touched by hurt intentionally inflicted. Its time to circle the wagons?? It’s like Oxy says….we have letters behind our names and just the fact that we are on this website proves that we are resourceful survivors….We each need to commit to speaking up for ourselves yes, but more everytime we see a red flag being raised ….for anyone!!!
“Why are you angry and why has your face fallen? Is it not the case that if you do well — lift up! And if you do not do well — sin lies crouching at the door, its desire is unto you, and you can rule over it. (Genesis 4:6-7)
Bottom line, what seems to be the overall message of the speech? What is the general tone of the Almighty’s words? What is He “more or less” saying?
“If you do well, then, lift up!” What had been downcast before — Cain’s face (“why has your face fallen…”) — can now be raised. Cain will be able to look himself in the eye, as it were. When we seize on our power to act in a positive way, we begin to lift up our faces again, in the ultimate gesture of self-respect.
And how could the consequence of sin, be vulnerability to sin? But when the verse talks about “not doing well,” who says that’s the same as committing a sin? After all, the text doesn’t say “if you do evil,” then sin lies crouching at the door; instead, it says “if you do not do well.” Not doing good isn’t the same thing as doing evil. It is simply being neutral.
While being neutral is not itself an evil — it leaves you vulnerable to evil. Sin lies crouching at the door, and even the most well intentioned neutral party can still be become its prey. Cain may be lost to us but we can save ourselves… the story of Cain has been with us. sometimes the solution is in the oldest of stories…
and as such if you consider the statement that Cain will be cursed “from” the ground. The strange phrase can either mean that the ground is the source of Cain’s curse, (the one doing the cursing, as it were), or that the effect of the curse is to separate Cain “from” the land. Either way, the sense is that a rupture has occurred between Cain and the ground. The earth is being portrayed in strangely sentient and personal terms, and the implication is that something has gone wrong with Cain’s relationship with this being, the earth… that Cain/The Other be somehow forever removed from us. if so why do we not all see the mark of Cain? Why are everyday peoples so often blind to the mark others of us see? Is it their neutrality that makes them blind? When they see it is often too late. As such they refuse to see that everyday peoples can also behave like The Other. In such cases this I find more abhorent. for while perhaps The Other can not see or change what it is. It is when everyday peoples change to become something other than what they were before where i am greatly saddened. the holocaust did not occur by just a nation of Others. But lead by Others and followed by everyday peoples that were charmed along for the ride…