Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader in Holland whom we’ll call “Anika”:
Today I registered to your love fraud site. Nice that you created it. It is a great help when you are abused by a socio-psychopath whatever you call it. I’ve been divorced from mine almost 30 years. Only 3 years ago I read a book that explained to me why, after my divorce, my life changed from a drama into a hell.
And this blog and sites are very helpful. Knowledge gives power. So I am together with a cousin (who is also divorced her psychopath), working on creating something like this in Holland. In our country it seems to be an unknown subject.
I want to write especially about the troubles the Nps-ers can cause between the children and their mother or fathers. That’s what happened in my case. My ex trained the children in abusive and cruel behavior towards me.
My son doesn’t know the facts of why I divorced his father. His father (who works as a homeopathic doctor) told my kids, when they were in their puberty, that the great drama in their lives was that their mother caused them a lot off harm by having this (so called) depression after the divorce. I only found out years afterward he what did, because he never told me that he was putting this idea in their heads. (And he forgot to mention his messing around with other women and lies about that, which destroyed our marriage.)
When I asked my children if they please can explain to me what happened and how, they most of the times get very angry, start to scream at me, or walk away but cannot give any example. They avoid contact with me most of the times.
I have had no contact with my daughter for several years. One year ago I gave it another try. First by e-mail and then I paid her 2 visits that were 2 very pleasant occasions. I could feel her love, and the atmosphere was very good.
She wrote me this also in a e-mail. And then she started to create distance between her and me.
My son, luckily, has 2 kids and he likes me to be the grandmother. I am very lucky with them that contact is very good, we love each other big time.
Well that’s my story in a nutshell.
Anika’s story is just like many of the 3,600 stories that have been sent to Lovefraud—and that is exactly why I posted it. This story came from Europe. Sociopaths are everywhere—Lovefraud has received stories from all over the world. Sociopaths are in all demographic groups. They are male, female, rich, poor, all races, all religions and live in all communities.
Anika also said that sociopathy “seems to be an unknown subject” in Holland. Well, it’s an unknown subject all around the world. Yes, we’re talking about social predators here on Lovefraud, which is based in the United States, but that certainly doesn’t mean Americans have any more awareness of this personality disorder than anyone else does.
Because Hollywood and the media typically portray sociopaths as deranged serial killers, our “understanding” of them may do us more harm than good. Why? When people believe sociopaths are all deranged killers, it may blind them to the fact that a lying, manipulative, abusive partner or colleague may be a sociopath. Because the individual hasn’t killed anyone, it may be hard to believe that he or she has a serious personality disorder.
The fact that predators live among us is like a giant skeleton in the closet of the human race. It’s a massive problem that no one wants to talk about.
Defining the problem
One reason why this huge problem remains outside of our awareness is that it is poorly defined. Even though people have been talking about evil since biblical times, there is no widely accepted definition of what it is.
In my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, I suggest that the word “sociopath” be used as a generic umbrella description for social predators—people who live their lives by exploiting others. Within the framework of “sociopathy,” experts (who disagree on what to call this personality disorder and how it should be diagnosed) can define specific diagnoses, such as antisocial personality disorder, psychopathy, narcissism and borderline personality disorder.
Massive numbers
Experts estimate that up to 4% of the population have antisocial personality disorder, up to 6% have narcissistic personality disorder, and up to 2% have borderline personality disorder. Add these figures together, and as many as 12% of the people who live among us are social predators.
As of July 2012, the population of the United States was nearly 314 million. If up to 12% are sociopaths, that means as many as 37 million social predators in America.
The world population is almost 7 billion. If 12% are sociopaths, the total is a staggering 837 million. This is a massive problem.
So why are there 837 million disordered people in the world, exploiting almost everyone they meet, and most people don’t know about it? Perhaps the whole concept is just too scary.
Cultural conspiracy
Human beings are social creatures. We live in groups and depend on each other. How do we cope with the idea that some of our own species are predators? They look like us and act like us, but their objective is not to live in community with us—it is to take advantage of us and perhaps destroy us.
Maybe we just don’t want to go there. We are, after all, capable of massive conspiracy. Take Santa Claus. I’ve always been amazed that every adult in every country where Christmas is celebrated knows, in the presence of children, to keep the Santa Claus story going. So maybe we’re living with another massive cultural conspiracy that goes something like this: All people are basically good and want the same thing is life—to love and be loved.
It’s a cultural message that we hear time and time again. Unfortunately, it is not totally true. There are exceptions to this general belief in the goodness and sameness of people. The exceptions are the sociopaths.
We need to open the closet and shed light on the fact that 837 million social predators live among us. They look like us, but they do not live like us. These people do not love. They care only about power, control and dominance.
The first step towards protecting ourselves from sociopaths is knowing that they exist.
dorothy2
Lovingthem,, maybe his WWJD bracelet stood for ” What Would Judas Do”!! 😯
abelrising
Our nurse changed so much. Her daughter was not his only victim. he may be locked up but he is still taking victims. Our nurse is consumed with anger and hatred. She has changed so much these past 3 years. We have had to take another nurse but we can not live with such anger. Her smell is so diffferent. We just dont recognize her anymore. I could not stop what happened. i can’t stop what is still happening. Our nurse has chosen a route we can not follow. i can do nothing but protect my own immediate environment. Our nurse will never hurt us but we are too sensitive to live with her anger… I wish she can talk to you here. But she won’t…
discovering
Ox Drover
ABELRISING ( thank you for sharing)
I do believe that our Spaths are born, not created. The whole concept of shunning- LOVE IT.
The smell issue: I know that my spath never wore deodorant in the 30 years I knew him and the only time he had slight body odor was when he sweated from manual labor. I read somewhere that it was because they did not have the chemical that is made when they feel fear / anxiety.
I totally agree with the problem of people identifying and recognizing the attributes of spaths. Our culture absolutely puts people with these characteristics head and shoulders above people who are empathetic. We are more seen as flighty or too emotional.
I think we need a campaign with a ribbon, something that we can use to identify (anonomously) a spath in our midst. I’d like to tie one to my spath’s car!
dorothy2
Discovering, …..very interesting, the smell thing. Spath x had little to no body odor as well and never used deodorant. I don’t use deodorant either but I smell musky. He loved the way my underarms smelled. Drove him crazy…..what does it mean??? Lol
dorothy2
I wonder if he smelled my fear and liked it? Made him feel powerful?
abelrising
the Other is born that way. As much as somehow i was born quite differently. but such creatures can be created as well. The Other has a lack. a missing. as my wife says a mark that she and our child and others like her recognize him immediately. For me it takes a little longer. his movements amongst you is not natural. there is a pause. But there is a smell of the predator that kicks in when The Other focuses on a target. Then i am left with an unease. A flight or fight response kicks in like when a predator is near.
dorothy2
In the holocaust, a lot of the “everyday people” were spaths. There are articles available about German child rearing practices in that day and age that set the stage for the holocaust to unfold. I would have to find a link. It wasn’t just Germany…it’s been going on for centuries and centuries in just about every culture. It’s horrific.
dorothy2
Since the child’s “real” nature was considered sinful, their free will had to be broken, and beating was the main way to accomplish this. Psychohistorian Aurel Ende’s extensive analysis of German autobiographies was entitled simply “Battering and Neglect” because, as he put it, there was “no bright side” to report about the universal German practice of beating children into obedience.40 Beating, said one German doctor, must begin early, even in infancy, and “consistently repeated until the child calms down or falls asleep”[for then] one is master of the child forever. From now on a glance, a word, a single threatening gesture, is sufficient to rule the child.” 41 German parents were often described as being in a “righteous rage” during the beatings while they “hammered obedience” into them, and the children often lost consciousness. Schools were beating factories: “At school we were beaten until our skin smoked.” 42 Hitler’s father routinely battered him into unconsciousness. 43 Children regularly had to be dragged violently to school screaming, they were so afraid of the daily batterings that were inflicted there, and childhood suicides were frequent in reaction to beatings or such practices as “cold water bathing” that was often practiced to “harden” them.44 Childhood suicides in Germany were over three times higher than in other European countries.
http://www.psychohistory.com/htm/childhoodHolocaust.html
abelrising
Yes they have a sensitivity to smells like us. i think different though. what makes us uneasy makes them excited. As a child I squeezed my puppy too harshly once. i was too excited and clumsy. The puppy yelped in pain and ran from me. I hurt inside all panicked and alarmed. I loved my puppy but I realized i hurt my puppy. that wounded my soul. i would not hold my puppy for such a long while after. I practiced holding stuffed animals. when i could hold a teddy bear gentle only then i would hold my Sparky again. i would just nuzzle it with my nose for such a long time. In school i saw a boy torturing a cat. he was laughing while the cat yelped. the other boys watched uneasily. i screamed and screamed. beating my head against the wall. i wet myself in fright. the boys more ill at ease told him to stop. he looked at me called me a f*&ing retard and was upset. i think because he lost control over the other everyday people boys. but yes he enjoyed hurting that cat. he enjoyed causing fear and pain. the ring leader was an Other. i had recognized them by that time. the other boys were not Others. They were everyday people boys unsure on how to react. he was cool you see. But my reaction caused a reaction in the everyday people boys. much to The Others distaste. Like i said before we often recognize the Other. But the Other recognizes us too…
dorothy2
Ablerising, your posts are fascinating to me. Thank you for sharing your perspectives. The story about your puppy is so touching. 🙂