Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader in Holland whom we’ll call “Anika”:
Today I registered to your love fraud site. Nice that you created it. It is a great help when you are abused by a socio-psychopath whatever you call it. I’ve been divorced from mine almost 30 years. Only 3 years ago I read a book that explained to me why, after my divorce, my life changed from a drama into a hell.
And this blog and sites are very helpful. Knowledge gives power. So I am together with a cousin (who is also divorced her psychopath), working on creating something like this in Holland. In our country it seems to be an unknown subject.
I want to write especially about the troubles the Nps-ers can cause between the children and their mother or fathers. That’s what happened in my case. My ex trained the children in abusive and cruel behavior towards me.
My son doesn’t know the facts of why I divorced his father. His father (who works as a homeopathic doctor) told my kids, when they were in their puberty, that the great drama in their lives was that their mother caused them a lot off harm by having this (so called) depression after the divorce. I only found out years afterward he what did, because he never told me that he was putting this idea in their heads. (And he forgot to mention his messing around with other women and lies about that, which destroyed our marriage.)
When I asked my children if they please can explain to me what happened and how, they most of the times get very angry, start to scream at me, or walk away but cannot give any example. They avoid contact with me most of the times.
I have had no contact with my daughter for several years. One year ago I gave it another try. First by e-mail and then I paid her 2 visits that were 2 very pleasant occasions. I could feel her love, and the atmosphere was very good.
She wrote me this also in a e-mail. And then she started to create distance between her and me.
My son, luckily, has 2 kids and he likes me to be the grandmother. I am very lucky with them that contact is very good, we love each other big time.
Well that’s my story in a nutshell.
Anika’s story is just like many of the 3,600 stories that have been sent to Lovefraud—and that is exactly why I posted it. This story came from Europe. Sociopaths are everywhere—Lovefraud has received stories from all over the world. Sociopaths are in all demographic groups. They are male, female, rich, poor, all races, all religions and live in all communities.
Anika also said that sociopathy “seems to be an unknown subject” in Holland. Well, it’s an unknown subject all around the world. Yes, we’re talking about social predators here on Lovefraud, which is based in the United States, but that certainly doesn’t mean Americans have any more awareness of this personality disorder than anyone else does.
Because Hollywood and the media typically portray sociopaths as deranged serial killers, our “understanding” of them may do us more harm than good. Why? When people believe sociopaths are all deranged killers, it may blind them to the fact that a lying, manipulative, abusive partner or colleague may be a sociopath. Because the individual hasn’t killed anyone, it may be hard to believe that he or she has a serious personality disorder.
The fact that predators live among us is like a giant skeleton in the closet of the human race. It’s a massive problem that no one wants to talk about.
Defining the problem
One reason why this huge problem remains outside of our awareness is that it is poorly defined. Even though people have been talking about evil since biblical times, there is no widely accepted definition of what it is.
In my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, I suggest that the word “sociopath” be used as a generic umbrella description for social predators—people who live their lives by exploiting others. Within the framework of “sociopathy,” experts (who disagree on what to call this personality disorder and how it should be diagnosed) can define specific diagnoses, such as antisocial personality disorder, psychopathy, narcissism and borderline personality disorder.
Massive numbers
Experts estimate that up to 4% of the population have antisocial personality disorder, up to 6% have narcissistic personality disorder, and up to 2% have borderline personality disorder. Add these figures together, and as many as 12% of the people who live among us are social predators.
As of July 2012, the population of the United States was nearly 314 million. If up to 12% are sociopaths, that means as many as 37 million social predators in America.
The world population is almost 7 billion. If 12% are sociopaths, the total is a staggering 837 million. This is a massive problem.
So why are there 837 million disordered people in the world, exploiting almost everyone they meet, and most people don’t know about it? Perhaps the whole concept is just too scary.
Cultural conspiracy
Human beings are social creatures. We live in groups and depend on each other. How do we cope with the idea that some of our own species are predators? They look like us and act like us, but their objective is not to live in community with us—it is to take advantage of us and perhaps destroy us.
Maybe we just don’t want to go there. We are, after all, capable of massive conspiracy. Take Santa Claus. I’ve always been amazed that every adult in every country where Christmas is celebrated knows, in the presence of children, to keep the Santa Claus story going. So maybe we’re living with another massive cultural conspiracy that goes something like this: All people are basically good and want the same thing is life—to love and be loved.
It’s a cultural message that we hear time and time again. Unfortunately, it is not totally true. There are exceptions to this general belief in the goodness and sameness of people. The exceptions are the sociopaths.
We need to open the closet and shed light on the fact that 837 million social predators live among us. They look like us, but they do not live like us. These people do not love. They care only about power, control and dominance.
The first step towards protecting ourselves from sociopaths is knowing that they exist.
Abelrising, you standing up to him did not cause him to kill her, so don’t place the blame on yourself. If he was the kind of man to kill when he was unmasked, it would have happened sooner or later. You did what you had to do.
I know the road to healing is sometimes very rough, up hill and very difficult to navigate, but I feel that you have a tremendous amount of strength.
Just continue to be the kind of man you are and take it one day at a time. God bless.
Discovering, i wish you the best in your recovering. Ohhh my, sure do remember how I felt in the early stages of my discovering! Be safe!
Dorothy a grown man living with his parents here in the States defies the rule of needing to have the four “Tions”
Its true….no habitation= Red
Imara…yes…..I know 😯
I knew that was a red flag from day one and spotted many others but……
Not his parents…..just his mother 😯
Dorothy that knowing…? that I feel is a part of our journey that we need to learn and grow from….And then reach back and help others with. When I first found LF I was suicidal, and spinning in a vortex of why…..why and….more whys…. Now with this community’s help and collective wisdom I know why. I can see and understand why.. and how to protect myself now!!
Plan on helping as much as possible….. Spot the RED and STOP. That is my mantra now!!!
Aghhhhh! Never made that connection!!!!! STOP SIGNS ARE…..RED!!!!!! LOL! Thanks Imara! LOL! 🙂
I just read through all of these posts…WOW!Abelrising,you certainly have added much insight.I even read the link about different types of empathy;thanks for posting that!
The discussion about spaths having an odor….oh my goodness!It brought back memories!My husband never wore deodorant;said he was “allergic”.As I’ve mentioned before,he became morbidly obese,complicating his health issues.I always hated-was actually embarrassed by the fact that our house,the bedsheets,his underwear all smelled MUSTY and yet,I was constantly doing laundry and cleaning!Once when I left,and came back after close to a month to pick up my things(he was gone),the smell was so bad that I nearly vomited and had to keep running outside for fresh air! 🙁
That’s interesting about the smell. My spath was a motorcycle courier and spent a lot of time on the road in his leathers. So there was always a persistant and unique smell of oil, leather, dirt and body odour around him. I just thought it was to do with his job.
Later on he stopped washing, didn’t use deodorant, didn’t brush his teeth (what teeth he had that hadn’t been pulled out when he used them to open beer bottles) and put on loads of weight. He began to look very ‘greasy’ and ‘rank’.
And then he wondered why I wouldn’t kiss him any more. Yuk!
It was as I was brushing my teeth one night, he said to me, you won’t kiss me any more and I yelled at him through gritted and soapy teeth ‘cos I want a trial separation!!!’ You should have seen the look on his face.
He wouldn’t move out though, even temporarily. He didn’t see why he should be the one to sleep on someone else’s floor or couch, even though the flat tenancy is in my name.
During this time, he couldn’t seem to understand, I didn’t want to be with him any more and kept trying to make advance – it was disgusting.
In the end I went to a solicitor and the solicitor sent him a letter giving him 2 days to leave or we would get an injunction against him.
After 2 days I came back and he’d gone, but left the flat in a terrible state. I immediately changed all the locks and put all the clothes & bedclothes that he’d left in dustbin sacks as they stank.
High School. That ‘wonderful’ four years that is supposed to be the crowning glory of socialization and achievement. We are expected to get together every five years to ‘remember’ and ‘relive’ and to ‘show off’ our new polished lives to each other.
Not so for some of us. I attempted suicide in H.S., actually right after graduation, because of a ‘spath’ who infiltrated my life in third grade and made my existence a living Hell. The last year of high school was the worst of my life. Someone found me in my car and my father (who was angry rather than sympathetic to me) brought me to a local hospital where my stomach was pumped.
I agree that for a parent to be angry at a child rather than devastated is a very strange thing. It has occurred to me and has been verified by a social worker that my parents were ‘monsters’ themselves…only caring about image, power, control…and manipulation. If I had not been born into this family I question if the ‘spath’ could have gotten complete control over me like she did.
I still struggle as an adult and am currently not working. It is hard to live. My devoted spouse is my anchor in life. He, too, had very narcissistic parents but at least they ‘turned around’ enough to become more loving and accepting. His Mom trumped mine in that category. I really believe my Mom was incapable of loving…at least in a healthy way.
Thank you for this great article. Both men and women can be sociopaths. My daughter and I had one horrible experience with one after my brain injury. Three others who gang together to live off of others were women. These people are predators, vampires in terms of their searching for victims for their self gain; always blaming others … so cunning. Some, sensing one’s embracing others as good, use this, too, to con. One I knew of, changed “religions” like clothing…and bilked a church, too.