Not long ago, a woman from the Philippines contacted Lovefraud. She had been involved in a long-distance relationship (LDR) with an American man whom she met over the Internet. This woman, we’ll call her Juanita, fell in love with the guy, even though she never met him in person.
Juanita sent her story to Lovefraud—a shortened version is reproduced below. But first, a bit of background. Juanita is separated from her husband and has a child. But although she’d like to find a new husband, she is trapped, because divorce is not legal in the Philippines.
Looking for companionship, she turned to the Internet—which is what thousands of Filipinas do. In fact, the mail-order bride business, matching men from America, Europe and Australia with women from the Philippines, is booming.
Apparently some Filipinas have found love via the Internet, but not Juanita. Here is her story:
Bewitched from afar
I met G online over a year ago. I’ve resorted to this kind of medium because I’m hoping to find someone who could be a good husband and father to my child. Not a few women here in the Philippines have met their current partners through the Internet.
Although we only saw each other through pictures, some videos, and webcam meeting, G managed to deceive me not only through the chat screen, but also through daily phone talks that got me addicted. And although he didn’t ask for money from me, I did buy and send him stuff as my way of taking care of him. He did his share, too. But thinking about his efforts, it’s undeniable that he did those to earn my trust back after I caught him cheating online the first time. I should have learned my lesson from that, but I opted to give him a second chance because I loved him.
[The police arrested the American for chatting with a minor online and then arranging to meet her.]
Throughout his jail time for almost four months, G and I didn’t correspond. When he got out, he emailed me, apologizing for what he did and hoping that I’d still talk to him. I accepted his apology, thinking that his incarceration could have reformed him. And even if he said he had no intention of rekindling our failed affair, he wooed me back, saying he’s learned his lessons and would make it up to me.
Our “second chance” lasted for almost 10 months. He proposed marriage a week before his scheduled jury trial and sent an engagement ring that he crafted himself. He asked that I let him talk to my parents so he could tell them his intention and our plan. This move really made me think that he’s a reformed man.
With our daily phone talks, I didn’t think he would go online again to chat with other women. And thinking about it, he must be laughing so hard whenever he gets to make me believe that he’s being faithful with me—and that he truly loved me.
I discovered that he made another Yahoo account and replied via email to Filipinas who posted personal ads on craigslist. He was able to chat with other Filipinas again and lured three or five of them to have online LDRs with him. He even e-mailed a female best friend who has been in love with him, asking her who would he pick among the 11 Filipinas he was able to snag online.
I felt so betrayed. And I was very much sincere with him to the point that I defended him to my family and friends who disliked him. Apparently, jail time didn’t reform him at all because he did again what got him into trouble in the first place. And it doesn’t matter if he’s no longer chatting with women from Arizona or that he introduced me to his friends and siblings over the phone. Those acts do not erase the fact that he just used me and played with my emotions and vulnerabilities.
Out of anger for learning about his online infidelity the second time, I called him. My phone credits were limited, so he called back and we talked for two hours. He denied registering another account and flirting with other women online. I told him that I’m mad, yet at the same time I pity him because he’s really sick—a pathological liar and porn addict. I told him to stop victimizing women, for he has two daughters whom he would not want to be hurt the way I got hurt by him. Knowing what I know now about sociopathy, it’s doubtful if being sent back to jail and attending classes to modify his thought process and behavior could transform him.
I know by this time some of you are thinking how stupid and ridiculous I am for even spending time to narrate this whole drama. It was an online LDR thing, yes…but somehow, the way we behave online speaks of how we behave offline as well. And I was very much sincere with him, believing that we had a commitment.
I’m sure most of you will tell me to move on and celebrate because I got out of a relationship with a man who is troubled. And I agree with you. But at this time, I’m struggling to do that. And if you ask me why I fell for someone like him…I’ve got no answer to give because it’s hard to rationalize something irrational.
What G did to me is really painful. I could have offered the love I gave him to someone deserving. I really thought my search for my second and last mate is finally over with him, but I was wrong. And from this hurt, I find myself becoming ambivalent—shaking my way towards reaching the healing point because I’m still blaming myself for what happened, for allowing a man like him into my life simply because I succumbed to the loneliness of being a single mom, failing to love myself positively. I long to love and be loved, but not the way he subjected me to. It’s unfair, but I know I need to forgive myself—and also forgive him before I could move on completely.
Dreams come true
Juanita’s story illustrates an important reason why we fall for sociopaths: They promise to make our dreams come true, and we believe them.
This is especially true with online dating. As explained on Lovefraud’s Online Seduction page, when we correspond with someone over the Internet, vital information is missing. We can’t evaluate the person’s appearance, body language, grooming and tone of voice. We don’t even know for sure if we’re corresponding with a man or a woman.
With so much information missing, what do we do? We imagine the person to be what we want him or her to be.
And, according to Dr. Esther Gwinnell, author of a book called Online Seductions, we take it a step further. “Because you have none of the usual cues to bring you back to reality,” she writes, “you may begin to attribute important qualities to the person, especially idealistic and romantic qualities.”
Trapped and lonely, Juanita was dreaming of love, and thought she’d found what she was looking for. The American, however, simply played with her dreams, perhaps just to amuse himself.
That’s why this whole experience was so painful for Juanita. Even though she talked to the American frequently, she was never physically with him. Much of the relationship, therefore, was in her own mind. She couldn’t end the relationship by kicking the guy out the door. She had to kick him out of her mind—and out of her dreams.
I feel the biggest loss after 26 years with my Sociopath, is the loss of my dreams. Did he steal them? Or maybe I “used” all my dreams, trying to pretend that our life together was acceptable.
Long before I began reading Lovefraud, I knew that my mind had been his playground for years. Had I created this fanatasyland for him? Or was he the fabricator? I know I contributed by allowing and believing and making excuses and hoping and praying – although that realization came after months of therapy! It takes away the victimization. And truthfully, no sociopath can succeed without having the cooperation of another person who believes.
After having four children together, we have been entangled in legal battles for more than 4 years now. Today, I am grateful that he was nearly absent during their formative years – all four exhibit empathy, values and integrity.
More than anything else though, I want to have dreams and hopes for my future. Rosy, happy thoughts of tomorrow. I am earnestly working towards that goal – of having goals! More than simple survival, I want to thrive!
THE BEST IS YET TO COME
(That is my mantra………..)
I’m 38 too and I don’t know when or if I’ll ever date again. I was 18 when I met him and he was the first. I feel so insecure about myself from the way he treated me and what he said to me (about intimacy) that I can’t image being with someone. I feel so inexperienced for a woman pushing 40. I just keep telling myself to take care of everything else and when I’m in a good place maybe a Good Man will come into my life. If not, I’ll be OK and have a full life. After all, in reality I have been alone since I met him. (actually, it was much worse than being alone)
After the one experience with the P I stopped dating for five years…then the P came back (before I knew he had a clinical problem). Looking back on those five years, I had internalized all the blame for our issues, took it upon myself like something was totally wrong with me, intuition busted or good sense lacking. Hell, even believed I was needy despite the fact that my nearest and dearest LAUGHED when being told the P said that about me.
“You? Needy?? You’re the most self-contained person we know!”
At 40, after this last year-long go ’round, I’m dating again. To hell with letting that man turn me against ME and against being alive. Even though it means possibly getting hurt again by someone else or several someone elses down the line. Even if I (gulp) meet another S/P.
Everyone is smart to honor their own timetable, but my five years of self-imposed exile was a huge mistake on my part, in some ways and I guess a good growth period because the P’s shady red flags were everywhere when he came back AND I really didn’t let myself believe him completely. Also didn’t want anything unhealthy so when he went into weirdo land, I went running away.
It is not our faults, the actions of these grown men. What’s our crime – loving too much, tolerating too much? If so, these are areas where we can work and grow, but without giving up faith that good people exist and we can meet them, eventually.
TheBestIsYetToCome,
If you can have this Mantra after spending a lifetime with a Sociopath, then I should be able to as well. I would add one thing. Perhaps the best will be something we create in our own lives and not something we will get from a man that arrives on a white horse.
I am working very hard on goals for myself and my life. This is not to say that I didn’t have any goals before but if I am truly honest with myself, my biggest goal in life was to love someone and create a family. This was my “meaning of life.” I have had to come to terms with the idea that if this is my meaning, and I never get those things, then by my own definition, my life has no meaning. OUCH! I have let that all go for now.
I have finally found a direction and a passion (Thank you Bad Man!). I read constantly about personality disorders and I work with troubled youth in the Foster Care System, volunteer time at a Homeless Shelter for families and will be starting a job in a few days at a Children’s Shelter. I have also applied for Grad School for a Masters in Social Work. Before all this, I was floundering. I was trying but I was floundering.
Working in these environments has helped me to keep things in perspective. It also reinforces for me having compassion for people but also having boundaries. I had some very shakey boundaries before the Bad Man. Actually, I think I had no boundaries at all. A funny thing happened a few days ago at the Group Home where I work. One of the girls was mad at me because I reported that she smelled of Marajuana and she looked stoned, very stoned. She said, “Well, that’s your Karma.” I fell for this for about 2 seconds before I snapped out of it. I realized this is how the Bad Man controlled me. So I HAVE learned something!!! Hurray!!!
In the past people could easily talk me into anything about myself and I could not recognize when it had nothing to do with me. I am building a new me now. I will listen to what people say about me but I will check it against what I know it true. Before, I didn’t really know who I was so I let the Bad Man tell me. And what he said wasn’t very nice. :o( But even though he took me to new all time low, somehow, I still climbed out of the black hole he tossed me down.
We all did. That says something about us.
Sometimes I think the internet is a sociopath’s playground. I think of dating sites mostly as a smorgasbord for players. Yes, I tried it, on and off for about five years, and tho I mostly met nice people where there was little or no chemistry, there were certainly plenty of players out there. In an amazing way, it was a great proving ground, as someone pointed out (above), for me to see where my boundaries were. I agree that meeting sooner rather than later is key, and Dr Leeson is right on about the missing vital info, which I used to write about all the time, to other men and women like me online… no physical cues means no reality check. Don’t be fooled by your own fantasies.
What makes some of us such easy prey for a sociopath in the first place? When I look back I can see the alcoholic, emotionally abusive father and the enabler, passive mother, my desire to make a sudden break and move in briefly with a much older man at 18, an early (3yr) marriage with an arrogant bully, next marriage with a player, and then, after I’m on my own again, good and vulnerable with young kids in a new town, the real sociopath shows up ~ initially acting like my new best friend, pretends to be Mr Wonderful for months til I cave, and then admits how he did it. Several years later, he is threatening our lives, after having ruined my financial life and taken me for over $100,000 of my own hard earned child support. I managed to escape and save all of our lives, yet, how on earth did I get there, I wondered… until I looked back and saw the progression of having given my power away over and over again. Then I got online…
At this point, single and dateless for 4 years by choice, I am grateful for all these life lessons, and especially for the last man I dated ( for 3 months) ~ a psychologist with daughters he had well-trained to hate their estranged mother… wow. This was a guy I wanted to post on some warning site. I really did have some work to do, because if I had drawn that into my life, and it was that obvious I had found and/or attracted another sicko, possibly the worst one of all, I really did need to take a break. I took the time for myself and used it wisely, meditating on themes I initially found painful to confront, like “I am deeply and completely loving, forgiving, and accepting myself”.
Now I can honestly say I am completely comfortable with being on my own, and I do complete myself, an ever evolving soul, with great and hard-won self respect. Not sure I will date again, at this point I am content with companionship, both online and with family and friends. Maybe in time the ‘right guy’ will show up ~ to that possibility I am not adverse, but I am not seeking it out. Maybe like a friend of mine who found her husband with the help of a matchmaker who sets up dinner parties to introduce singles to each other, I will try something in person, but for now, I am at peace.
Sharing PEace,
“I am deeply and completely loving, forgiving, and accepting of myself. ”
WOW! Thank you for this gift. This is my new mantra. I really really needed this.
It’s beautiful. It’s a wonderful place to start. I am beginning right… 3,2,1, NOW!
Aloha and SharingPeace:
Both your stories are very inspiring and prove that each of us has to do things on our own timetable. Sharingpeace, if I’d been through half of what you describe with many different men, it seems unlikely to ever have your kind of strength and perseverance.
You said “what you had drawn into your life.” Two things: one, you took ownership of it, which says you’re really working on who you are…and two, you sound still certain you don’t deserve it. Both of those are so healthy!!
Alone, with someone, as long as we’re safe and happy and NOT giving away our power…whatever works for each of us!
Hi, everyone. I’m “Juanita”. I’d like to thank Donna for featuring my story, though I admit asking her to do so and I greatly appreciate what she’s done.
Admittedly, I’ve been struggling to get G off my mind since November last year – but I’m thankful to my good friend in Colorado who said (after getting exasperated by my discussing about G): “I choose not to dwell on that jackass anymore. You’re giving him power over you that he doesn’t deserve.”
I am terribly sorry over what happened; yet there’s a part of me that hopes that he might change (with much intervention from the Divine though, but we did say several novenas prior and after his jury trial as he claims to be a victim of criminal injustice in Maricopa – but nothing happened, he still went back to flirting with other women online and made me believe that he was already a changed man and faithful to me).
Online, long distance relationships (LDRs) are indeed a huge risk to take. But offline relationships are equally risky. And though some people think that the Internet is a safe haven for the skeletons of users, truth has a way of coming out even if we try our best to suppress it. Indeed, there’s no secret that remains hidden forever – whether offline or online.
It’s sad that, considering the role of biology in socio/psychopathy, nothing could be done to change these people; yet, it’s such a wonder why they are able to get so “lucky” deceiving others intentionally just to serve their own interests and villify their preys later when their masks are uncovered.
I was thinking it’s hard to thank someone who’s hurt me tremendously for giving me the lesson to love and set boundaries, regaining respect for myself. I could have learned that in some other way – and the experience didn’t need to be painful. It’s really not advisable to get into a relationship simply because of loneliness – and yes, desperation.
I can’t deny that I’m wishing for G to greatly regret what he’s done to me and apologize – but he’s already done that before, leading me to give him a second chance; alas, his words are meaningless. I’m certain that he and his brother have succeeded in painting a bad image of me to their friends who know about us being a “couple”. As my way of defending myself, I emailed the probation officer who prepared his pre-sentencing evaluation report to recant my emailed testimony that he’s a good person, a good father in particular. I believed him when he told me that the reason why his 20-year marriage collapsed was because he caught his wife cheating, only to find out later on that it was the other way around and that he’d rather spend time with his mistress than be with his kids. How did I know? I did find the courage to call his ex-wife to hear her side of the story – and I should have done this way back February 2006, months before he got arrested for felony 3. Knowing that led me to discovering other truths, particularly his secret Yahoo account which he used to lure other Filipinas, without any consideration for all the help and love I gave him even from such a huge distance. Someone commented that as long as there are people who believe in them, sociopaths would succeed in doing what they do – like his female friend in Utah whom he emailed to ask if she could guess who among these women could satisfy his shallowness. And this female friend wrote me to say that G is no longer capable of doing to me what he used to before. Yeah, right! And yes, she’s in love with him – although she says she’s done and over with having that kind of affection for him. Who is she fooling?
For all the women who get to read this, how a man treats his exes and women in general indicates how he’d treat you. If he could fool and badmouth them, he could do the same thing to you. I know some women can be unfaithful too – so this goes to men who have been hurt by philandering women as well. Loving someone entails accepting the positive and negative traits of our partner. I guess like Donna and all lovefraud subscribers, I cannot accept socio/pschopathy as part of a partner’s negatives. I can forgive, but would definitely find it hard to forget. And trust is something difficult to give again once it’s abused.
I’ve been had. And I’m not proud of it. But I guess what’s important is I’m moving on, learning to forgive and love myself – even if I’m taking baby steps towards that path at this time.
Lovefraud is indeed a good way to help people like us recover. I did suggest to Donna that perhaps Lovefraud would have a phone counseling and chatboard services in the future. I got addicted to calling and receiving calls from G, and it’s really not good – yes, it was indeed a costly measure to sustain a “relationship”. Talking about it is cathartic – though of course my friends could only endure so much – and I really hope that none of them would experience what I’ve gone through with G – and yes, that none of his daughters would be victimized that way. It would be nice to be engaged in some other form of communication with other Lovefraud subscribers apart from blogging. Nonetheless, this is still good.
Thanks for your time and insights, everyone.
Godspeed.
🙂
I know this is a bit off topic for this thread, but I had to share it. I was watching the Blues Brothers movie this weekend and one of the scenes totally captured the sociopathic hold these people have over us. Carrie Fisher, who plays Jake’s (John Belushi) girlfriend has him trapped in a tunnel where she is about to shoot him with a flamethrower for leaving her at the alter. Jake offers up about 40 different ridiculous excuses about why he didn’t show up for the wedding, then he takes off his sunglasses and gives her a sad puppy dog look. She drops the flamethrower and they start kissing passionately. Then he throws her to the ground and he makes his escape. Such a ridiculous, comical exaggerated scene, yet it isn’t far from the truth is it? Thanks for your support here, it is keeping me strong. Be well this week!
The book ‘Art of Seduction’ – have any females read it? If so, what type of men is this book aimed at?