As part of my day job—writing scripts for web-based training programs—I came across some information developed by the Institute for Global Ethics. Surveys conducted worldwide have consistently identified a group of values that people of all cultures and nationalities recognize as essential. These universal values are:
- Honesty
- Responsibility
- Respect
- Fairness
- Compassion
Sociopaths violate all of them.
Perhaps that’s why those of us who are ethical, who care about others, who want to live cooperatively among our neighbors, feel so shaken after a collision with a sociopath. These predators take the qualities that people all over the world consider essential to the social contract and stomp on them, run them through a meat grinder and then pulverize them.
But they don’t tell us what they’re going to do. (Or if they do, we think they can’t possibly be serious.) Instead, they mouth eloquent words about their loyalty, trustworthiness and caretaking. We believe the words. Eventually, however, we discover that the words are empty, and their behavior reveals their true attitude: To them, the universal values of humanity mean nothing.
Then we, trying to extricate ourselves from the sociopathic relationship, lose our footing. We suspect that no one really cares about honesty, responsibility, respect, fairness and compassion. We were the only chumps who took these qualities seriously.
The good news is that we were right in the first place—most people in the world do respect the universal values. As we heal from our traumatic experiences, we’ learn how to differentiate those who do from the sociopaths who don’t.
Process this:
The sociopath that lied to me about his HIV status, and put me at risk by exposing me, has this as his signature block (and was added after the fact):
“Respect for self, respect for others, and responsibility for your actions.”
How warped is that!?
Yeah – the list goes on and on.
These guys ( and gals) ….. I’d say they split personalities BUT I deep down at my gut-level believe they KNOW and CHOOSE to be evil.
I think that sig line is a joke, my psycho was the BIGGEST hypocrite around. But so few people see it.
That’s just so wrong with something so dangerous as as HIV.
Mine displayed a picture of himself on the net sitting on his Harley with a pompous caption, “The motorcycle I sit on tells the world where I stand” but what he didn’t tell was that the new seat he was sitting on was mine he refused to return, I’d also “loaned” him $350 for putting a new chip in the motor that he didn’t repay, and a collection agency was looking to repo the bike for non-payment of a $9,000 note against it.
I got off cheap.
Donna, Thanks for the insight into that study of human values. Nothing that one would see on the evening news for sure.
“instead they mouth eloquant words” precisely!
With hindsight I realize that my P was the classic “TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE” He didn;t just seem decent – he portrayed himself and I accepted as fact that he was especially decent, more than better than etc. A family man extraordinaire etc.
Maybe this is a good clue for the futre P detector. Extra caring, attentive, generous etc. RED FLAG No warts, perfect, on time patient excellent listener RED FLAG.
One big one I chose to ignore was that mine did not have any friends. Admireres, fans, people in awe, wannabees, yes, but no real close friends. I should have paid careful attention.
As much as I am making progress in the healing it is still so galling that he is RIGHTEOUS. That there is NO remorse of the ruin he has made of my life, and he can now blame me for the ruin that is his.
Too bad we don’t have an empty continent to ship these folk to so the rest of us could live in peace and harmony.
Peace
Dodged_A_Bullet,
I so get that! That stupid signature. Chances are this was a line he stole from you when you were confronting himselv about his evil deed. You didn’t say it was but I recognize this move so much.
Bad Man did crap like that all the time. His most outrageous acts later became his banners self righteousness…
Trying to figure out how he worked these kinds of things out in his mind kept me awake for so many nights.
Thanks Donna for sharing this article… it hit a nerve with me.
^eyeswideshut, the PSN island. dare to dream!
i think an S definitely appears to be more good to be true than an N. but for me the N was not romantic. i would like to talk about him a bit more but i don’t want to change the thread subject to me.
they either don’t care about or don’t understand the meaning of those values. and i think an equally important thing they don’t care about are their responsibilities. like if you have a kid, you should care for it. or just little things like paying rent or chipping in. it is always a short-cut for them.
Dear eyeswideshut. I think that what you say about the perfectionist values the people with PDisorders portray at the beginning makes a good P detector. They seem so ‘perfect’ at the beginning but of course this is the illusion they use to draw us in.
My exN was reliable, on time, a good listener, trustworthy, loyal, a protector, attentive and decent was the value he most ‘sold’ to me. He pretended to be a cut above the rest – an alpha male persona which he so heavily played on. He turned out to be the opposite of these values. ANY act of betrayal or infidelity violates all of these perceived qualities and if we were originally ‘sold’ on these qualities, then major violation takes place. At the end I called him a deceitful coward – he was the fraud.
Good morning,
I’m having a downer this morning. I can’t quit thinking of how frustrated I feel over the events in my life that brought me to this place. I think the part that gets me the most, is the denial. I could handle the happening. But when confronted with truth, to be met with denial, has to be the most insidious part of the whole relationship. My husband and I could have kept on going, had he not denied his part. I’ve heard “I’m sorry”, but never, “will you forgive me?” I think to ask for forgiveness is owning part of the problem. How can they do what they do and just deny it?
That’s been on my mind so heavily the last while. Knowing there are so many more just like that eases the discomfort some, but I never thought I would be on the receiving end. Nothing prepared me for it. I never knew people could be so conniving and deceitful, and yet use the word love to extract sex and money, but not mean any of it.
I’ve been so dumb and naive about the sexual aspect of a relationship too. I understand one night stands. They are just looking for a quick thrill. But how can one go through all the motions of a marriage ceremony, having children, having sex through out the whole marriage, and have it not mean anything? I can’t make myself understand the whole concept of it. I don’t think like that and can’t put myself into their head to understand why. Then when asked, they deny.
I had written my husband this big long letter recounting our life and what it meant to me and some things he had done that undermined what he said. His only response was, “I don’t know where you came up with that stuff. You must have convinced yourself”. Now if that isn’t frustrating, I don’t know what is. But you all know. I can’t share this with anyone, other than my children. They have affirmed it, but don’t want to confront their dad. So I have no one to go to bat for me to try and shake him up a bit. There has to be a lot of pride that stands in the way of admitting they just might be at fault. So I guess we’ll all go to our graves still shaking our heads and wondering why. I can’t understand how they can go through life without a conscience and remorse.
I even wrote to a pastor who preached a sermon on “Dead Men Walking”. I thought since he preached it he had a first person account. The only response I got from him was, I’ll pray for your situation. I do that. I wanted some kind of self help I could administer. This is the kind of stuff that drives me to find comfort food. I need to figure out a way to re-channel that energy and lose weight. Then strut my stuff and say eat your hearts out boys. You had your chance.
With all the horrible happenings all over the world, this seems trite but it’s been my life. I understand and don’t want to take life and love for granted. I just don’t know where any of them are coming from. I just want to make sense of it all and find purpose.
oh, yes, the indidioud denial. I can relate. I have to admit, his denial after the truth was exposed was the most baffling. the actual act of exposing me was in itself bad, and theoretically the worst of his actions……but his denial was the biggest mind f*@ck.
For sure. I can respect someone who says I use to do whatever, but I don’t anymore. That is acknowledging and accepting. But to be confronted with truth and to deny has to be the worst part of the whole relationship. It says they are in another realm. We really weren’t on the same page all along. It makes the whole relationship a joke. The light has gone out and the joy has faded. Now we just walk along feeling nothing together. What’s the point?