As part of my day job—writing scripts for web-based training programs—I came across some information developed by the Institute for Global Ethics. Surveys conducted worldwide have consistently identified a group of values that people of all cultures and nationalities recognize as essential. These universal values are:
- Honesty
- Responsibility
- Respect
- Fairness
- Compassion
Sociopaths violate all of them.
Perhaps that’s why those of us who are ethical, who care about others, who want to live cooperatively among our neighbors, feel so shaken after a collision with a sociopath. These predators take the qualities that people all over the world consider essential to the social contract and stomp on them, run them through a meat grinder and then pulverize them.
But they don’t tell us what they’re going to do. (Or if they do, we think they can’t possibly be serious.) Instead, they mouth eloquent words about their loyalty, trustworthiness and caretaking. We believe the words. Eventually, however, we discover that the words are empty, and their behavior reveals their true attitude: To them, the universal values of humanity mean nothing.
Then we, trying to extricate ourselves from the sociopathic relationship, lose our footing. We suspect that no one really cares about honesty, responsibility, respect, fairness and compassion. We were the only chumps who took these qualities seriously.
The good news is that we were right in the first place—most people in the world do respect the universal values. As we heal from our traumatic experiences, we’ learn how to differentiate those who do from the sociopaths who don’t.
TAMI that was powerfull thanks…….
I think I will write Random Write down on paper, put that and his check in an envelope and mail it to the monster……
No I won’t do that, but it is so profound to read, thanks again Tami. I won when I pushed him out the door. Don’t mess with a rattlesnake-just leave it be……………
Henry,
I’m like you, I would have liked to have sent something that profound to all of my P’s, but you know, they don’t get it. It is wasted effort. I think at first that was the MOST frustrating part was not being able to TELL THEM OFF and make them feel something. FEEL SOMETHING. Oh, that was so frustrating, so like Aloha I would “talk to them” as I drove along in the car. We both thought that other drivers must have thought we were crazy, having conversations with NO ONE in the car with us! LOL
It took a long time (I think) for me to stop that–it was like I couldn’t get them out of my head, I thought of all the things I wanted to say to them. I guess I must have gotten it all said—to the AIR—I’m actually not sure if doing that is a good idea or not, it sure kept me stirred up, so maybe if I had NOT talked to them in my head I would have felt better sooner.
WE all have an “internal dialogue” going on in our heads all the time, and maybe if when I started to want to “talk” to them in my head, instead I should have sung a song or counted, or said multiplication tables or something else just to have gotten the thoughts about them out of my head. Thinking about them didn’t make me feel better, I know that for sure.
I know that when you are singing, even if you are sad, it cheers you up. I can’t sing well–in fact my voice is so bad some of my friends offer to pay me NOT to siing when we have sing-alongs at our living history group! LOL But inside my head I can sing a song and I sound pretty good to me—inside my head. ha ha If you are thinking about one thing, then you can’t think about them at the same time. Might try that and see if it works. Let us know. (((hugs))))
oxdriver and henry– glad you enjoyed the random write.
And, no, I won’t be sending this to him because I know it wouldn’t have one bit of impact on him! It just helps me to write about it sometimes. Writing works for me as singing does for you, oxdriver, so sing on!!!
And, yes, the most frustrating thing for me is the lack of closure. He went into hiding and positioned himself in a place that I can’t get to him to get what I’d like to say to him out of my system. However, what good would it do? It would be like talking to a brick wall and I honestly think that would frustrate me even more. AND, what would I be seeking to gain from it? Given the slight chance that he decided to respond with an apology–I already know that his apology wouldn’t be real, either. Nothing about him is REAL.
But, what is real is how they can convince their new victims and other people how real they are and how crazy we are! And my ex S’s favorite line to use when he is confronted with questions about why his exes all dislike him so much is that they all just “want me back”. Isn’t that just so “classic” for a sociopath’s way of thinking about how wonderful they are? His girlfriend (or should I say new victim) has told me that he has told her over and over just how sorry he is for the way he treated me and how badly he feels about it. She sees his telling HER how sorry he is for what he did to ME as his being remorseful! She doesn’t understand that it’s convincing her of his remorse that is critical to him right now because he hasn’t used her up yet. I can’t blame her–I was every bit as ignorant to his conning when I was with him.
Initially, he told her that same story about his exes that he told me about them in the beginning. THEY ALL CHEATED ON HIM BECAUSE HE DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR THEM. He even told her that I mistreated him. He was really telling us who he was and might have seen it if we hadn’t been so charmed by him and hanging on his every word! During my years with him, he changed his stories about his exes dractically, and I, stupidly, believed each new story. Just like he has changed his story about me to his girlfriend. It went from him telling her that I was a monster who mistreated him to his now saying that I was a good person and didn’t deserve the things that he did to me! Bless her heart, she didn’t even catch the inconsistencies–just like I missed them at one time! And, that is just one example of his inconsistencies. His entire life is one big fat inconsistency!!!! I can now catch them SO easily. They tell us EXACTLY what we want to hear. Isn’t it strange how we’ll believe what we want to hear before we will believe the truth? I guess it’s true what they say about the truth being hard to accept or not always painting a pretty picture.
My x (P) has a scarry side to him, even tho I am larger in stature and feel like I can defend my self physically, it’s the demon’s in him that I fear. He made threat’s when I was here, I think he is capable of carrying them out. And even though my dog’s loved him, I fear for their saftey when I am at work. I live way out in the sticks and he knows my routine. I have came home and found his cigarette butt’s in the ash tray out back by the pool. Hopefully I am done with seeing him, but I don’t want to provoke or antagonize him. Oxy I am doing better I really am…………
Henry,
I also live in the sticks and I realized when the minor vandalizm started that I couldn’t defend the entire place and myself–and sleep too. So I fled, but I did it in such a sneaky way he had no indication I was actually GONE for nearly a month when I took the dogs away on the last load. As long as the dogs were he he thought I was too.
That minor vandalizm I think was his way of starting a TERROR campaign, and I think maybe your XP’s cigarette butts were also a kind of threat as well. Of a message of I can come here when you are not home. “Just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean some is NOT out to get you”
I wouldn’t antagonize him, because he may get to the point he is out of options and will try to come back at you either as a returned option or to get revenge on you because it is YOUR fault (it’s always your fault you know) that he is out of options. Just be CAUTIOUS. I will NOT live in terror again, but I am prepared to take off on an hour’s notice if I feel unsafe here at the farm. I will not sell my RV and it is fully loaded and stocked for almost instant removal if I need to go somewhere—load in the important papers, the dogs and hook up and GO.
I am fortunate that my Ps have restraining and no contact orders on them so if I have to defend myself there is no question that I was actually IN DANGER FROM THEM. I don’t want it to come to that, but again, I am prepared. But as long as he is still in prison I’m safe for the time being. That is an immense relief too!
I’m not encoraging you to be terrorised of your X, but to be Cautions, don’t “go off on him verbally, if he shows up, just tell him to go away calmly. Say something like “I’m no good for you, I don’t deserve you” and shut the door. And that is TRUE, you don’t deserve ANYONE as low as him! ha ha
That way, he can “save face” to HIMSELF and may not become so vengeful against you. When we “injure” their “self esteem” many times they will become vengeful in retaliation. I found that out to my own grief!
I know it SEEMS important to us to make them hurt, to injure their self esteem and grandiosity, but in the end, it doesn’t pay, it doesn’t make us feel better and it enrages them that we “won” and they ahve to make us “pay.”
Taking the “high road” in all this is the best way all around. I let my own anger at the injustice of it all, at the audacity of it all make me do something that I later regretted when I was “emotionally sober”—I wasn’t drunk with alcohol, but I might as well have been for all the rational thinking I was NOT doing. I let their “crazymaking” win and incapacitate my BRAIN…which is one of their favorite “tricks”—I think they all learn that in Psychopath 101. LOL
Yea, Tami, that inconsistence is in Psychopath 102, advanced placement! While we are in the fog we either don’t catch it, or if we do, we “reason” it away. Some how they know they can get away with it because we let them. LOL
Henry, I went through that stage of fear, because he threatened to break every window in my house. One night at 4 am I rang my friend in terror, because this malevolent vibe had encased my home and I was positive he was either around my property or stalking me. But then I got a grip of myself and thought i am not going to be ruled by fear and I have not felt fearful since.
I basically kept a very low profile for a few months, avoided going into town when he might be around. I made myself invisible but when I realised that he wasnt going to do anything I relaxed. If he left cig butts in your ashtray, he wants you to know he has been there. Just make yourself like the invisible man – no contact is the primary way, even when he leaves his mark.
OX and BEV good advice. I don’t want to see him at all. I just desperatly want to move past this dark place I am in. I focus on my x (P), but I am thinking their is some serious depression going on. I did start with Zoloft, I am hoping that will help. I have all the fact’s and evidence and proof that I was being victimized. Why do I feel like I miss him? I hate what he has done to me. He really was never (here) when he was here. I am doing better, but tonite I am really down. I have had a life full of stress and drama, maybe by my own doing. But what is wrong with being (good) to people? I just cant believe their are people like that in the world. I read all these post and they do encourage me. This is the only place I can talk about it. Nobody else understand’s. I look back on what I put up with and keep asking myself why? I knew better, why didnt I get out when I still had my sanity? What makes a person want to hang on to evil so strongly, it wasn’t the sex, we were never that compatible unless I was doing for him. I guess I have always had lowself esteem, I don’t want any body’s pity. I didnt go to therapy today.. GOD I sound so pathectic …………………………………………………………………………………………………..
I feel so badly for those of you who are experiencing fear. My S fits the typical “coward” description–so I’m certainly NOT one bit afraid of him. He wants everyone to think that I’m the crazy one and capable of hurting him! LOL! I have a hard time killing wasp! I do believe that he has an evil dark side but it’s more of a sexual sickness–predatory in nature. Makes me sick just to think that I shared a bed with him for nearly 8 years while he possibly fantasizned about children!