As part of my day job—writing scripts for web-based training programs—I came across some information developed by the Institute for Global Ethics. Surveys conducted worldwide have consistently identified a group of values that people of all cultures and nationalities recognize as essential. These universal values are:
- Honesty
- Responsibility
- Respect
- Fairness
- Compassion
Sociopaths violate all of them.
Perhaps that’s why those of us who are ethical, who care about others, who want to live cooperatively among our neighbors, feel so shaken after a collision with a sociopath. These predators take the qualities that people all over the world consider essential to the social contract and stomp on them, run them through a meat grinder and then pulverize them.
But they don’t tell us what they’re going to do. (Or if they do, we think they can’t possibly be serious.) Instead, they mouth eloquent words about their loyalty, trustworthiness and caretaking. We believe the words. Eventually, however, we discover that the words are empty, and their behavior reveals their true attitude: To them, the universal values of humanity mean nothing.
Then we, trying to extricate ourselves from the sociopathic relationship, lose our footing. We suspect that no one really cares about honesty, responsibility, respect, fairness and compassion. We were the only chumps who took these qualities seriously.
The good news is that we were right in the first place—most people in the world do respect the universal values. As we heal from our traumatic experiences, we’ learn how to differentiate those who do from the sociopaths who don’t.
Tami My X (P) would often bring up a time in his past when he was unrightfully accused of trying to do something with his niece and nephew. He was so upset he moved out of the town that night!! That is back when I wanted to believe everything he said. I alway’s felt sorry for him because none of his family ever called, ever returned his calls (only his mother occasionally) but she didn’t want anything to do with him. I now know why, they know he is evil!! I never felt comfortable with him around my two grandson’s. In fact my kid’s and grandkids stopped coming over. Man I had my head up my ass didn’t I? Back to my previous post, I know I am missing the illusion of what I thought he was. I am very relieved that he is gone, I don’t want to know anymore of what I didn’t know.
Dear Henry, the exN was accused of molesting his last girlfriends daughter. Neither the gf or he would give me details. They cause chaos wherever they are. My daughter had a strong aversion to him the first moment she saw him, she would not share the same space with him, if he came in, she went out. The depression and anxiety is normal. Dont berrate yourself, I spent ages kicking myself thinking ‘how could I have been so foolish’, I think we have all felt like that. Dont forget that if we are codependant, then we will tend to bend ourselves out of shape for others. The great thing though Henry is that we have learnt by this experience, the worst romantic experience of our lives, by hitting the bottom, we learn who we really are, by what we put up with.
I missed the companionship, but I had sold out to the lowest bidder, I devalued myself by accepting him, but Henry we had been single for many years – it is understandable. BUT, they are careful not to reveal WHO they really are. We were caught up in a FOG (dream is too good a word for it). My exN was never here for me, I kept saying to him it doesnt feel like you are here for me, he was pretending with words, but his actions did not support his word – even if we learn that Henry, that is a big advance. My ex was all TAKE TAKE TAKE, yea even physically he was incredibly selfish. He was careful not to invest in the relationship – when I pieced all his behaviour together the light bulb came on ‘he was keeping one foot in the relationship and one foot out’ it was only a matter of time for me to withdraw.
This turbulence will pass and the depression you are suffering from the fallout is a natural.
On the subject of loneliness:
I’ve heard some “experts” say loneliness is a disease. That people who are forever lonely have shorter lifespans. This information didn’t terrify me, didn’t send me running in the streets to find someone to ease a loneliness that I didn’t feel. I thought to myself…”hmm….ok, interesting bit of info. Is it accurate?”….Depends on what your definition of being alone actually means.
I’ve been an introverted person my entire life. I consider that aspect to my nature to be a Godsend, to be a blessing, a benefit in maintaining my sanity. I thrive when I’m in solitude. I’m completely comfortable and serene when I’m left to my own devices, when I keep my own counsel. I can think clearly, I can immerse myself in a thought provoking book without being distracted, I can paint, write poetry, create whatever I wish and know that I will be left alone.
Being alone has a negative stigma attached to it. One that I don’t relate to as reality to me. Yes, I spend time being social. Being warm and friendly, silly with people I meet during the day. But I breathe a sigh of relief when I finally come home to my humble abode, to my carefully constructed environment that pleases me in color, function and positive energy, and I can simply be still. I can be quiet and have harmony and balance within myself.
It’s ironic to me that the few times in my life when I felt abject loneliness was when I was in a tumultuous relationship or dealing with the heartache after one has ended. I felt so incredibly lonely actually sitting in the presence of one I loved and cared for. Truely bizarre.
The many times in my life that I was able to feel and express soul enriching joy was when I was single. Single and happy as I am now. My senses are awake and in tune with the constantly healing and nurturing nature and my mind and heart are clean and clear. Clear as the ocean waters on a tropical island.
I also realize I’m never completely alone as I have the Holy Father, the Holy Spirit nestled in my heart always providing me comfort, strength and solace. The Lord leads, the Lord guides us to boldly face reality, the trueness of a situation in an effort to protect ourselves, loved ones and stangers from the evil among us.
For you all that consider being alone a disease, think again. The reality of it is you are not alone nor have you ever been alone. There will always be someone thinking wonderful, loving thoughts about you. Someone to teach, to guide, to nurture you as you travel the difficult, challenging paths of life.
I can only speak from my personal experiences and I assuredly believe I am deeply loved and cared for by the mightiest of the mighty.
God bless all of you beautiful souls. ***Hug***
Jane,
I too enjoy solitude, and though I didn’t live alone much of my life, I had plenty of “room” for me. My husband and Ihad different interests in some areas and we each did “our thing” but would come together and discuss our days, which was a wonderful thing.
When my son D left for 8 months and I really was “alone” on the farm, I felt strange for a while, but came to enjoy it too.
Since I am actually physically “alone” now I have a friend that I call every night between 9 and 10 to let her know I am okay. I am allergic to bee stings and got stung twice this year, and with various things that can happen to people, this is just a “safety” check, not because I am frightened or anything.
There are days that go by that I don’t’ get out or see anyone and I don’t feel “lonely” though I am alone. I have plenty to do that interests me or that needs to be done, I am not bored, I’m not a hermit. I’m only a phone call away from any one of several good friends.
My therapist keeps harping on me to “get out” and “do things”–but he doesn’t understand that I DO DO THINGS that I WANT TO DO, maybe not things HE WOULD BE INTERESTED IN but things that I am interested in. I’m not anti social, I just like different things than he does. I like quite, and animals, and nature, and “work” to me on the farm is ‘PLEASURE” NOT DRUDGERY.
Some people go to the gym and lift weights, I go out to the pasture and pick up rocks the frost has heaved to the top so they won’t chip the mower—what’s the difference?
Some people walk on a tread mill, I walk on the runway, looking at the pasture which looks like a golf course now after the hay was mowed, and see the beauty of the colts grazing and the calves nursing. I go out at night and walk the dog and gaze at the stars (which are not blocked out by city lights) and I feel connected to God and the Universe. I listen to music and read in the evening instead of watching TV. I talk to “Thomas Jefferson” and any person from history whose words were ever written down. That’s not a lonely life for me. It is my choice to be with people or not be with people, and I am pretty selective about the people I like to be with. Again, my choice, but not lonely.
I think lonely is for people who are alone but not by their own choice. Or, lonely for a special person who is not there.
Jane and Oxy, those are very good words about loneliness. I love my solitude, my time to be with me and my surrounding’s. I WAS SO LONELY WHEN HE WAS SITTING RIGHT HER IN THE HOUSE. I recented him for disrupting my life, but he tuned into (lonely for a special person who is not there) amd pretented he was that person. All this mind playing and manipulating head games have my good sense’s screwed up. Jane I am glad you have peace and harmony with life. Speaking for myself, I think we all want to be where you are. I am 53 years old, I don’t have time or patience to consume myself with finding someone to complete me. I want what you described in your post. I don’t want to shut the world out, I just want to get past whatever itis that has changed me and be me again. A daddy, A Peepaw, and a good friend to those that are deserving…..OXY, don’t let that woman that gave birth too you take anything from you ever again. She never was there…….my sister did not survive her mother but you have……………….
I’d like to say that I can relate to the loneliness being written about here; however, I have came to believe that there is no greater loneliness than the kind that involves missing one’s own self.
My ex S or N or whatever he was, consumed me. He had to have my attention 24/7. I raised 2 children and their attention needs were never as consuming as his. He constantly wanted me touching him and telling him how attractive and great I felt he was. I AM an affectionate person but it’s hard to prepare a meal, do housework, cut the grass or even carry out a job when someone demands this much attention. And, if I tried to carry out these tasks, he was constantly pulling, tugging, hugging, groping or humping on me–sorry–I’m only stating the truth. And, yes, at times I got really annoyed with him! I could’nt crochet or even read a book because that required my attention to be focused elsewhere. He called me 4-5 times per day at work and sometimes I couldn’t talk to him because I might be in a meeting or trying to meet an important deadline. Anytime that I did NOT give him my undivided attention, he accused me of not loving him, no longer finding him “attractive” (odd accusation I felt coming from a 40 year old man), or of having an extra marital affair!
I couldn’t win with this man! Early in the marriage, he stopped helping out with household chores and refused to seek steady employment. I was trying to carry the entire household domestically, financially as well as meet his high demands for attention! And, of yes, there was his rock band that I somehow ended up nearly in charge of! I served as everything from a marriage and drug counselor to a sound person for these guys! I was expected to round up copies off the internet of every new song they wanted to learn. Search for and print out copies of the tabs and lyrics for the songs, maintain their myspace page and design all their promo materials. I still managed to maintain this for a 14 month period when I held down two jobs because he refused to work.
Where was the time for me, who had I become? I lost sight of my very being. And how was he spending all his free time? Having one sexual encounter after the other, lying to me about needing money for truck repairs, etc. and spending MY money on drug addict women and women who ALWAYS had very bad reps and morals. The EXACT opposite of who I was! I am an attractive woman and these women were dogs with poor hygiene!
So, anytime I feel that I’m missing that “special” someone in my life–I remember those 8 years when I missed ME so much and I take a really quick detour around those thoughts and focus on something that I enjoy. He’s not even been out of my life two years yet so I’m sure as I move further away from his craziness, I’ll begin to experience the kind of loneliness that involves needing other people in my life. But for know, I’m spending my time healing, getting to know myself again and entertaining myself in ways that make me happy.
He never beat me as my first husband (an alcholic) did, he never even cursed me but somehow I was left feeling more abused his consumption than I had ever felt before. Abuse and selfishness comes in many forms–even sometimes what we perceive to be a good thing at the time.
Good post, Tami,
People who depend upon you for everything—who suck the life out of you and don’t want you to have anything separate from them and their needs—are like VAMPIRES. I think in retrospect that was what was so great about my relationship with my husband, we were super close but we had our OWN separate interests and spaces and times without feeling that the other was neglecting us. Yet, we were also always interested in the other’s day, the other’s interests even if they weren’t ours. What a nice balance.
When I was dating the X-BF-P if I wasn’t with him I was wishing I was, it was like life stopped when he wasn’t around. I was wondering who he was with, what he was doing, etc. When he WAS around I had no time for myself it was all about him.
A balanced relationship is where both parties contribute to the over all “family duties” like lawn mowing, dishes, cooking etc. There’s no problem as far as I can see in a division of labor that matches each other’s interests. I never mowed grass, my husband never did dishes, but so what, they got done. It ALL got done and the division was pretty well even. I didn’t change oil in the cars, and I didn’t grocery shop, but I did laundry and cooked, and any time I needed a vehicle it was clean, running well, and the license was current.
No one “mooched” off the other for normal every day activities.
Now my son and I divide the day to day activities, and there are only two of us not 3-4 to accomplish things, but we manage pretty well and the basics get done.
Personally I think that even family should at least qualify as a “good room mate” and do their fair share of the chores and of paying the bills and be pleasant at the same time.
To each of us our home should be a SANTUARY and anyone who is priviledged to live there should contribute to the peace of that place. If my home becomes an unhappy place because of the way you act, then I am either leaving or you are (depending on whose name is on the deed) I don’t want to live in a war zone or take on someone else’s upkeep because they think they deserve a maid. NO DRONES for this QUEEN. Bees have the right idea –no work, no eat. LOL
Oxy,
Yes, I think you definitely can miss a special person in life and it will cause a sense of loneliness. I never had a wonderful husband who loved me deeply as yours did, and then lose him so tramatically in an airplane crash. So I can only empathize, offer my sincerest compassion to your most grievous loss. I admire your stalwart heart, I truely do. Please don’t doubt my concern for all the pain and suffering you yourself have been through. I can reassure you that I am here, in front of my computer reading your posts, striving to understand and know who Oxy is. You and all the LoveFraud peeps are extremely important to me. I think about you guys all the time, whereever I’m at. I DO consider you friends and allies, regardless of the lack of physical presence. I’ve learned to appreciate and not take for granted any good, wonderful person who comes into my life, from any avenue.
Too damn valuable to me to be dismissed, disregarded as insignificant to my own continuing life journey and in discovering, comprehending, caring, being concerned about your life experiences, positive and heartbreaking.
Henry,
Would it calm your troubled heart to know it has taken me YEARS to embrace me as I am? I mean years of inner conflict, self loathing, anxiety, depression…you name it, babe, I had it. I was at my roaps end four years ago when I finally, absolutely surrendered control to the Lord. I was sobbing my heart out to him, pleading to him, why, why, why?! He answered, as he always does; lovingly, patiently waiting until I’m completely ready. I surrendered the illusion of control that was holding me back, that was wrecking my spirit. I held up my cares, my worries, my concerns to the Lord and said….”I can’t control this. I can’t control anything. My destiny is not mine TO control. Please help me, Holy Father, in releasing this illusion.” And….he did.
A book that was so inspiring, also helpful was Dale Carnegie’s..”How to stop worrying and how to start living.” I would curl up in my swing outside, sitting in the shade of a regal oak tree, reading that lovely book. One story in particular touched me to my core. It was a story about a women who was born almost completely blind, but taught herself how to read and eventually attained a college degree and became a teacher. She would press her face an inch from the book she was reading to enable her to read. She underwent an operation in an attempt to provide her better vision. A little time after the operation, she was washing dishes. She marveled at the beauty of prismic soap bubbles, as they floated in the air. She was enchanted, filled with wonder at being able to glimpse such beauty in the world.
That particular little story was a turning point for me. I acknowledged Mr. Carnegies’ lessons from his book, and I decided then and there, that I will only find happiness within myself and I shouldn’t rely on anyone to create it for me. Happiness comes by truely appreciating, being enchanted by, being filled with wonder by the simpliest of things. These simple things, that are also free, of no monetary value should be cherished, embraced, loved for the way they hug the heart. His book dramatically altered my perspective, is still altering my perspective.
We are always on journeys, Henry. They will continue until our final gasp of air. By celebrating ourselves, by celebrating the very moment in which we are living, brings the most profound peace of which I never believed was possible. I will fall down many times in the future. It’s inevitable, the frailty of the human condition, but I will take a deep breath, bounce back up, wipe the grime from my body, and keep on truckin!…haha. It’s what’s best about us humans; no matter the adversity scattered before us, we will persevere in searching for truth and learning to love ourselves as the Lord loves us.
Tami,
Keep on spillin the beans, hon! Keep on unburdening your heart, your mind by the havoc created by your ex loser. You wil find your beloved inner self, nurture and love her. Heck, I think you’re on the right path and more than halfway there!..haha.
Just continue to remind yourself that he is a lie, you were not in anyway responsible for his miserable conduct. You are true to yourself, and by maitaining this truth you will heal and recover. You will be able to see that bright, shining star that all of us see every time we read your comments. Please keep sharing with us. It’s important to us as well as you.
Jane Smith Thanks so much for the nice post. Yes this is a life lesson for me, one that I have ignored and not dealt with. I am sure I will never get it all figured out and sometimes there just are not any answers. But your word’s of caring and wisdom do comfort me. As I have said before I am spiritual not religous, I do believe in a God or Creator. I have gone to church with my son and daughter in law a few times. I usually don’t enjoy it at all, but this pastor they have seem’s to be real and just a good person. I am planning on going again soon. My son want’s me to get saved (i think I am worrying my kids, I think they think I am crazy) if I get saved I will do for myself and not my son. But I am like you Jane, I just feel like I can not deal with this anymore, I need help and maybe you are showing me the way Thanks Jane
This is probably horribly off topic for this particular thread but I thought I’d post it here since I don’t know where it might fit.
Just a question: do you all ever wonder if the people in our lives that we believe to be sociopaths really AREN’T sociopaths? I struggle with that on a daily basis. Wouldn’t it be nice if they are had some type of identifying mark on their foreheads so we could be sure?
When I first learned of my ex’s outrageous and deceitful behavior, I placed a call to Donna–such a sweetheart of a lady! I tried to be as honest as I could with her about my ex’s behavior when he was actually in the process of leaving me. She told me that “yes” he was a sociopath. I have now learned so much MORE about his behavior during our marriage and during other relationships proceeding mine and his–even about his relationships with his family members. I know the man certainly has a serious problem of some type and I’m screaming to the world that he is a sociopath which is a fairly strong statement. Maybe I should call Donna again now that I’ve learned so much more about his behavior and get her feedback again.
I guess I need to know that he’ll never change in order to feel better about myself. Does that make ME the disturbed one? He dragged me through hell and back and I guess I want him to be as miserable as he made me. I want to expose his true self to the world for their benefit and hopefully see the day that he has no one in his life to deceive. I tried repeatedly to warn the new woman and she now believes and tells the world just what a nut I am. Could it be that I am the one who is looking for something to justify what he did to me?
Have any of you experience these doubtful thoughts and feelings about yourselves?