As part of my day job—writing scripts for web-based training programs—I came across some information developed by the Institute for Global Ethics. Surveys conducted worldwide have consistently identified a group of values that people of all cultures and nationalities recognize as essential. These universal values are:
- Honesty
- Responsibility
- Respect
- Fairness
- Compassion
Sociopaths violate all of them.
Perhaps that’s why those of us who are ethical, who care about others, who want to live cooperatively among our neighbors, feel so shaken after a collision with a sociopath. These predators take the qualities that people all over the world consider essential to the social contract and stomp on them, run them through a meat grinder and then pulverize them.
But they don’t tell us what they’re going to do. (Or if they do, we think they can’t possibly be serious.) Instead, they mouth eloquent words about their loyalty, trustworthiness and caretaking. We believe the words. Eventually, however, we discover that the words are empty, and their behavior reveals their true attitude: To them, the universal values of humanity mean nothing.
Then we, trying to extricate ourselves from the sociopathic relationship, lose our footing. We suspect that no one really cares about honesty, responsibility, respect, fairness and compassion. We were the only chumps who took these qualities seriously.
The good news is that we were right in the first place—most people in the world do respect the universal values. As we heal from our traumatic experiences, we’ learn how to differentiate those who do from the sociopaths who don’t.
tami
Blondie–I had never thought about what you just said about the word “NO”. My sociopath was the same way–whether I was saying NO that I wasn’t in the mood for sex or NO I can’t afford to buy you that night club that you want. You’re so very correct. Thank you!
tami
Henry–thank you for reading my LONG story! I’m thinking that I should be grateful that the one thing I DON’T have to deal with is his trying to come back. I think he might have very well had that in mind. He actually told me if things didn’t work out with her that he’d be back. That’s when I FINALLY lost my temper and threw a rock through the windshield of a truck that I had just bought him a couple of months before. I wasn’t out of control–I knew exactly what I was doing! I sailed it right through the driver’s side so he couldn’t drive it! LOL! I sold the truck a few months later. I told him that he came to my house with nothing and that he would leave with nothing and he did just that! I hate to sound greedy but I’ll allow a person to walk on my heart but they’d best stay out of my purse! LOL! I work too darn hard for my money!
hens
Tami Good for you for thowing the brick, I know that makes us look crazy but chit happens. I bought mine a truck for one thousand dollars, it’s a good truck, but I knew he had to have a wheels to leave me so I provided that. I didn’t totally support him, well the first year he was here he would blow most of his moneyt at the casino. I kicked him out, he begged to come back and gave me his paychecks and asked me to manage things. He resented me for that too! If i put pencil to paper I was still in the red even with his money. He showed up today, not really sure what he wanted, he looked lonely and wanted to talk about his job etc. like nothing had happened? I confronted him about more of his lies and he got defensive and denied the fact’s. And then put the focus on me, like I am the reason he does everything bad. He always did that, turned the focus on me and then the pity and crocodile tears. He must not be too happy if he is looking for friendship with me. Anyway I ran him off again. I have always felt this fear and although he is kinda physco I realize what the fear I feel is now (thanks to Oxy) I fear he will manipulate me with lies and pity and that I will fall for it and be under his spell again. I think I have made it over the hump with letting him go or setting him free. I had to save myself even if I did or do love him he is not real……..
hens
When he gave me his money I thought wow he really must love me. He was manipulating me- there is no way he could of lived on his own any cheaper or more comfortable than here. I did everything but wipe his butt——-
Ox Drover
Tami and Henry,
Before my dad and my husband died we got together and made the family trust to protect my kids–from both themselves and their spouses (if any) we did not trust the DIL, and of course that proved out very right on. Because the trust was set up so that the house that we built here on the farm for them was in the TRUST and they paid “rent” she had no legal claim to the house. She left in handcuffs, and the only thing she got back were her kids’s pictures and her grandmother’s china, everything else was sold at a garage sale, given or thrown away. Oh, and her Cat and her son’s ashes.
The only reason she got anything back at all was because my son, her x-husbnd insisted that she get those things back. She did get a few hundred of the tax refund etc. which she had to file joint for 07 to get, but it was pitifully little to start life on with not even a roof over her head and no friends or family willing to help her. It’s one step up from being a “bag lady” at 40+ yrs old.
The Trojan Horse will get out of prison with NOTHING.
Good enough. Karma BITES. Even the ones that got away with “stuff” or money from victims, don’t really “win” in the end because most of the time they are so irresponsible they don’t hang on to it long anyway. I’ve never known a psychopath that was satisfied, peaceful or happy. Even if they thought they were, in the end it all backfired on them one way or another. I’d rather be the victim than the predator in this case. As long as I escaped with my life–I WIN. I escaped.
tami
Oh Henry–I can SO relate to what you’re saying. Mine gave me his money the entire time we were together–told me very early in our dating days that he couldn’t manage money and asked me to “help” him get his debts straightened out. I did. I even allowed the IRS to keep MY refund so that his child support would be up to date–it was the easiest way to catch it up. However, he wouldn’t work a steady job, smoked $60 worth of marijuana a week and was like a kid in a toy store. I bought him 4 trucks during our marriage and financed most of the equipment for his band including a building that I must have had nearly $3,000 in for them to use as a studio. In the end, he accused me of “taking” his money. I sat down once during our marriage and measured his income against his debts and spending and this was during a time when he was working everyday. By the time all was said and done, he was contributing $0 to the household debts. After he stopped working steady, I told him about it and he said that he didn’t understand why he should pay any of the household debts because it was MY house–simply because I had it a year before we married! Hell, he lived under the same roof that I did and used the same utilites AND his name was on the deed to the property. They think the world owes their charming little butts a living–I don’t think so!
peggywhoever
This is totally off topic, but I need some advice:
Does anyone know the legalities of posting, let’s say, uncomplimentary (but true) things about Sociopaths/Psychopaths? You know those websites they have?
Can a Psycho file harassment charges for something like that? Even if they can’t prove it? Please advise, there is an imminent situaton.
Thanks,
Peggy Pseu
Benzthere
Peggy,
Anyone can sue for almost anything, but I’ve read and been advised that there is no basis for illegality in posting the truth and second amendment rights prevail. Donna has an old thread here in the archives with advice about exposure. And look on cyberpaths.blogspot.com, for their advice and support. They have a link outlining legal issues of posting and they list links to sites where you can post your information.
There was a featured story here on Lovefraud under the name Rhoad Warrior, who posted on sites and then also posted a blog which was later ordered to be removed. You can google to find the details of what she did and the controversy it created, but her blog is now gone. That is the only one I know of that was found in favor of the one exposed. Past behavior of hers appears to have been part of that decision.
I got the most views by posting on dontdatehimgirl.com. You’ll have to read and then follow the site rules, which limits what you can write, or they will remove the errant posts. I wrote observing their rules, “he” responded not following their rules giving my identifying info along with lies and false accusations of my illegal behavior. I provided further detail to refute what he wrote, but the latter posts were removed. I’m not sure if it was because of his listing the identifying info or the mention of false and heresay illegality obviously with no verification. My original post remains.
Because of this last defamatory post many months ago, I had forewarned him from similar past behavior, I then wrote a blog where I could write my story, with all of his behavior including his verifiable past criminal record and current pending charges and his threats. I stated my opinions, things he told me, behavior I witnessed, and stated as fact things I could verify. Upon legal advice, I have the past well documented.
Recently I noticed lengthy blog hits from a repetitive visitor. Last Monday I received an invitation from him to view his web cam. I have observed no contact since around March of 2007, except as has been necessary and then only when witnessed or verifiable. The next day I noticed via his IP address that he and the repeat visitor had both viewed my blog. I accept that his usual retaliation may be coming. That is as far as my experience goes.
If he chooses to file suit, I am prepared. If he chooses retaliation of another sort, I am as prepared as I can be. Exposing his behavior to warn other women is worthy to me. My advice is, before you start, make sure you are emotionally and physically prepared for whatever course it may take. If you want to contact me, Donna can provide you my email address. Hope this helps.
Benz
peggywhoever
Benz:
Thanks for your advice. Donna, can you please supply me with her e-mail address?
He has previously sued his ex-wife, ex-best friend, ex-business partner, ex-business asociates, sister, etc. He is very sue happy and tries to hide behind the law (police) or lawyers, as I believe he is personally cowardly. He is involved in much illegal and illicit activity, of which there is documentation of and/or personal testimonies, however he has not yet been formally charged and this may not happen for awhile.
I am on vacation and not due home for 3 more days. He has had a deputy call my home, whereby my housesitter informed me the deputy said he (S) wants to file a haraassment charge. Of course he has no proof of these charges, and furthermore he has written me 3 menacing and/or harassing e-mails, one in January and two in May of which I have done nothing. I have been NC for 6 months.
Sorry to trouble you, but this situation has me distressed. Also I do have umbrella insurance coverage but do not know if it would cover something like this. I will look at the websites you recommended.
Thanks again,
Peggy Pseu
Benzthere
Peggy,
You’re very welcome. I am sorry you have to go through this. You are not troubling me, this site’s goal is support. Keep in mind though it seems very personal, it’s not about feelings, it’s about his control and winning, as I’m sure you already know but is still difficult to process.
Unfortunately, it has not been my experience that your insurance will provide coverage for litigation, even if it may happen to be through a business or a business policy, unless specifically stated in a special provision of some sort.
If he sues with no grounds, he may be dead in the water, as a good attorney should advise him (I know, probability will lose out in lieu of making money). And we know how convincing they can be. You may have to threaten back with a counter suit. If it gets to court and he feels he is more financially solvent or more willing to spend resources than you, unfortunately he will use any advantage he has to use against you. Bluff is everything, and he is looking for a reaction.
Try not to overly worry, it sounds like he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. He wants to cause you grief in any way he can, and if you’re worrying that’s pleasure for him. Be careful what you post, in case he is able to google via your screen name and can read what you post.
You may have to email Donna, for my email address. Hang in there and take strength from your own sense of honor.
Benz