As part of my day job—writing scripts for web-based training programs—I came across some information developed by the Institute for Global Ethics. Surveys conducted worldwide have consistently identified a group of values that people of all cultures and nationalities recognize as essential. These universal values are:
- Honesty
- Responsibility
- Respect
- Fairness
- Compassion
Sociopaths violate all of them.
Perhaps that’s why those of us who are ethical, who care about others, who want to live cooperatively among our neighbors, feel so shaken after a collision with a sociopath. These predators take the qualities that people all over the world consider essential to the social contract and stomp on them, run them through a meat grinder and then pulverize them.
But they don’t tell us what they’re going to do. (Or if they do, we think they can’t possibly be serious.) Instead, they mouth eloquent words about their loyalty, trustworthiness and caretaking. We believe the words. Eventually, however, we discover that the words are empty, and their behavior reveals their true attitude: To them, the universal values of humanity mean nothing.
Then we, trying to extricate ourselves from the sociopathic relationship, lose our footing. We suspect that no one really cares about honesty, responsibility, respect, fairness and compassion. We were the only chumps who took these qualities seriously.
The good news is that we were right in the first place—most people in the world do respect the universal values. As we heal from our traumatic experiences, we’ learn how to differentiate those who do from the sociopaths who don’t.
The sociopath mimics our values and needs. Mine slipped into my life when I was having problems and doubts in my marriage. He offered advice and sympathy.
He eventually started having financial issues and I was always kind enough to help him out. I fell right into his trap both emotionally and financially. I believed all his stories and listened to all his problems.
I don’t think that the sociopath can look at their own lives with any sort of conscience. They can’t or won’t see that they are ruining the lives of innocent people who only were looking for a relationship. We all believed that we were in a relationship with a one of a kind person who truly understood us. Little did we know that this relationship was anything but stable. It was all deception. There were no true feelings and definitely no possibility for a future.
Hummingbird,
You are so right “the sociopath mimics our values and needs.”
Even my mother admitted that the letters he wrote to HER which were filled with “but Grandma what would JESUS do?” and the letters he wrote to the Trojan Horse Psychopath who was “in on the plot” were so different that it sounded like TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE wrote them. The ones to my mother were like they were written (on a shallow level at least) by a person who was very kind, caring, loving, philosophical and religious, and the others sounded like they were written by a bragging, grandiose foul-mouthed teenager without any concept of a moral compass.
“Which Twin has the Toni?” (that’s an old TV commercial line about a home permanent wave) Which one of these letters is the more “honest” one? Which set of these letters shows that my Psychopathic son is a WONDERFUL MIMIC, and KNOWS WHAT my mother wants to hear?
They CAN pretend to be anything that WE want them to be, at least for a while. They can MASK themselves with the FACE we want to see, that we will project upon their countenance because it is what we want.
To see the UNMASKED psychopath (which we do from time to time), it is like we are looking at the face of SATAN when they look at us with the RAGE inside them spilling out their eyes, and flowing from their unbridled tongues.
Dear OxDrover,
As bad as things turned out for me, I can’t begin to imagine what you must feel to have to walk away from your son and all you endured. I have a friend whose niece left home on bad terms and her mother is going through a very bad time. Far worse than the empty nest syndrome. I went through that and wanted to die, and could only sympathize with you and others who lose their children to the world.
When I began my life’s journey many years ago, I never had any idea there would be so much turmoil in relationships. I didn’t know how one could go from being loved to being thrown away. When my husband and I were going together, he wanted us to be together all the time. After we got married, he’d hardly ever come to bed. It became such a miserable time that I dreaded having to live my whole life in such a fashion. If I could repeat, I would surely take a stand. But here I am, with all these memories and working on my closure too. I have that emotional closure and have distanced myself partly. I won’t put myself at their disposal. That’s the only way for me to survive. I’m tired of crying out of frustration. I sometimes feel like this is some kind of punishment but am helpless to do anything more than I am about it. I quit making any kind of plans and am just letting life take me where it will. There’s too many variables anymore and I won’t make anything definite. Hugs to you too. ~^..^~
While the relationship was going on I had no idea it was all a lie. I truely believed he was a man with values. Then it started getting strange. I would overhear him lying to his friends about the most mundane things. I would say “why did you lie about that, it isn’t that big of a deal?” The lie was completely pointless. Somehow I convinced myself that he didn’t lie to me about things (hmpf, I am way to “special” for that).
It continued to get stranger when I started to see his contradictory statements. I even told my mother that I could not listen to what he said anymore, I had to watch his actions. Because what he said and what he was doing, no longer matched. It was so confusing.
Then the day finally came, the climax of strange, where he told me he had feelings for another women far away. He followed that statement with “that was the most honest thing I have ever said”. It was my wakeup point, because I understood that it was all a lie.
I am confused at his one point “honesty” because it was at a time when that statement couldn’t have been anymore hurtful. I was 6 months pregnant. Sometimes we “normal” people will lie to protect peoples feelings and to do what we think is right. But in this case the “truth” was revealed at my most vulnerable. If it was even the truth, who knows.
Still, none of it matched his actions and it was all contradictory. I have read that sociopaths have contradictory statements because they are living in so many lies. I have also read that the contradictory statements have something to do with the left and the right side of the brain not communicating properly.
His brain obviously doesn’t work right. I am to blame that I did not see it sooner. To my defense I was naive, and I didn’t even know what a sociopath was or that someone could have a brain disorder which stopped their emotional growth. Now that I understand sociopaths, I realize that he was not just a “calm guy” that said really mean things sometimes but was mostly a romantic. His brain waves are really only functioning slightly above sleeping. It really explains a lot.
I feel bad for him in a way. But that sympathy does not overide the sympathy, love and compassion that I feel for myself and my baby. It is such a confusing disorder for my emotions. I hate him, I feel sorry for him for his brain, and I feel nothing for him, all at the same time.
“To see the UNMASKED psychopath (which we do from time to time), it is like we are looking at the face of SATAN when they look at us with the RAGE inside them spilling out their eyes, and flowing from their unbridled tongues.”
Well put OxDrover
Well on that last part – I know my ex-N definitely caused grief to others – my parents, his own mother, his brother, many of our friends and some of his colleagues. A long list indeed.
apt/mgr – yes, on the idea that he was jealous of you – i think that’s probably right on. I’m in the process of divorcing, and this is one of the many things causing me pain – the idea that he is now actually recognizing that he is disordered and doesn’t relate or feel the same way as “normal” people.
almostfree – like you, i was married 13 years. It’s HARD HARD HARD to break free after that long. How long past the whole thing are you, and how are you coping? We’ve been separated only about 2 months (i know you’ve read & responded to my other posts) – i’m doing way better but boy do i have some bad, bad moments.
Pathological lying – it’s so true. Bird – when i read your post, i wanted to jump up & down – yes! yes! – totally! Lies even when there’s no reason to!! Why??? it’s craziness. It’s ingrained. They don’t even know what the truth is or means.
Mine emailed me a couple of days ago to ask me if there’s any chance I’d let him back in my life, now that he’s seeing a psychologist & basically has his diagnosis of NPD/borderline/bipolar (some mix thereof). Somehow I think he’ll wind up seeing his diagnosis as an excuse for everything that happened? I’m glad for HIS sake that he’s getting help. But I can’t go back, I was just so exhausted and broken. I didn’t answer him – i feel bad for not answering, even just to say no, but even that just takes so much emotional energy.
One thing I wish: I know his self-recognition is somewhat rare. And the fact that he’s seeing a therapist who knows what he’s dealing with – it’s pretty amazing in a way (although he wouldn’t do it earlier, to save our marriage).
But it makes me sad that he doesn’t have all those good traits: compassion, honesty, etc. and he may well be destined for a life of unhappiness. I don’t wish that on anyone. My OWN compassion keeps me from feeling a whole lot of anger these days.
Interesting that when he emailed me, (this goes to whomever wrote about them mimicking our needs) – he wrote that he wanted a chance to give me the things I deserved finally: a family, a partnership, a community. These were the EXACT words I said to him the night we separated. He came back to me to offer EXACTLY what i’d asked for. It’s uncanny – it actually is a bit spooky. In a way, I think he knows he’s supposed to want these things…therein lies the tragedy.
Oh one more thing – the morality thing – mine used to also criticize the husbands of these two colleagues of his…about how badly they treated their wives..! I remember always thinking, damn, but you’re just like them..only worse..! (Never dared say that of course.) Unless you were someone to idealize (in a position of power or adoring of him), you were either devalued – or completely ignored (or in my case, all of the above at varying points..!)
So damn textbook. ugh.
Hi gang,
You know, we think, WE THINK, that they are “unhappy” and that they know we have “something” they don’t but aren’t sure what it is…but I don’t think they are necessarily unhappy. Even my P-son who is in prison, I dont’ really think he is UNhappy. His environment is STIMULATING to him, think of all the “little cons” he can do there, and all the plotting and schemes he can do. Breaking the rules–any rules–is FUN for him. He just loves to break rules just to “get away with” ANYTHING that anyone in authority makes a “rule” about.
Wouldn’t that be “happiness” to a P? Of course he would rather be outside, but if he got outside again, he would be quickly rearrested for breaking more laws, he doesn’t fear prison, it is HOME or should be after living more than half his life and all of his adult life in prison, he has adjusted, made the “most” of it by breaking every rule they’ve made except killing a guard. He’s had sex with female guards, he’s bribed guards, conned the wardens, and on and on. I think the free world would be so boring to him that he would be really REALLY unhappy, there fore since I want the BEST for my kids, I’ll do my best to see that he is where he is HAPPIEST! And, where I am the safest!
The sickness of having been married to a sociopath is he has turned my kids against me. And he is not their natural father. I believe with him, it’s a “control” thing, a must “win” thing, and or a “get even” thing. He don’t care about my kids, not once ounce. And yet my kids believe him and not me. Because he can make himself look, stable, while me, totally “unglued”. I cry daily over the lose of my kids and my grandkids, they call me crazy, and throw me out of their house. They won’t give me the time of day.They call me paranoid-delusional. No doubt a fact from my x. If it wasn’t for a few frineds a few family members who believe me when I tell how my x-husband conned me, I don’t know what I would do. Truly, don’t know. the a master of all con artist.m whose idol is “Ted Bundy”. How can I tell my kids, all the sick ways in which we lived together sinse our marriage. How he controlled my money, my thoughts, my family, my loved ones. He controlled everything about me, my mind, my heart, and my soul. How can I tell my kids, the way I lived wiht him, the way, I pretended all was well, the way I hoped and prayed when he said he loved me, it was true. How I ignored all the red flags, how I pretended where wer the average middled aged couple, when behind closed doors, I lived with the real monster. Please somebody help me, I fear is is after my randdaughter for secual reasons. and my fears have som early concerntre concerns.
Please help e=je.
Dear Bird. This is one of the major RED FLAGS from someone with PDisorder. Their actions DO NOT match their words. My exN said he cherised (Yes cherised!!) and adored me, yet he couldnt be bothered to see me half the time!!
Dont forget the mission statement of PsNsSs – SEEK – CONQUER – DESTROY – DISCARD. I remember my exN saying he was going to punish me for speaking up – I pleaded with him crying ‘but Ive done nothing wrong’, he looked at me in glee -I am sure they want to mould their partners as surrogates to feel the pain they felt as children.
Tmassar – yes a clever ploy that one – making a statement about someone else to insinuiate that they ARE FAITHFUL, TRUSTWORTHY – my exN did that and because he said he couldnt tolerate infidelity, I trusted him and he turned out to be the worst philanderer I have ever been with.
JFour, Gather up some evidence or an explanation in a way that your kids will understand and explain it calmly to them. they may not believe you then and there but give them time to digest and think about what you have said and ask you questions. Say to them that they are free to ask questions, that will show your openness. I do not know about child protection in the US, but your comments about your grand daughter will need to be followed up in some way.