As part of my day job—writing scripts for web-based training programs—I came across some information developed by the Institute for Global Ethics. Surveys conducted worldwide have consistently identified a group of values that people of all cultures and nationalities recognize as essential. These universal values are:
- Honesty
- Responsibility
- Respect
- Fairness
- Compassion
Sociopaths violate all of them.
Perhaps that’s why those of us who are ethical, who care about others, who want to live cooperatively among our neighbors, feel so shaken after a collision with a sociopath. These predators take the qualities that people all over the world consider essential to the social contract and stomp on them, run them through a meat grinder and then pulverize them.
But they don’t tell us what they’re going to do. (Or if they do, we think they can’t possibly be serious.) Instead, they mouth eloquent words about their loyalty, trustworthiness and caretaking. We believe the words. Eventually, however, we discover that the words are empty, and their behavior reveals their true attitude: To them, the universal values of humanity mean nothing.
Then we, trying to extricate ourselves from the sociopathic relationship, lose our footing. We suspect that no one really cares about honesty, responsibility, respect, fairness and compassion. We were the only chumps who took these qualities seriously.
The good news is that we were right in the first place—most people in the world do respect the universal values. As we heal from our traumatic experiences, we’ learn how to differentiate those who do from the sociopaths who don’t.
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One thing I wish: I know his self-recognition is somewhat rare. And the fact that he’s seeing a therapist who knows what he’s dealing with – it’s pretty amazing in a way (although he wouldn’t do it earlier, to save our marriage).”………..tmassar
I was married to a sociopath for 32 years and realized, finally, that he had been totally manipulating me for all of that time. Just let me say, tmassar, that even though they go to therapy, it does not mean that they INTERNALIZE what people say to them. It also means that it gives them one more excuse to do as they darn well please because now they are “diagnosed’ as having problems. They don’t really accept the diagnoses and it most definitely does NOT mean they will make any attempt to change.
My ex went to therapy, but pretty much discounted everything the therapist tried to help him with except for the few things he wanted to hear – like our 32-year marriage had “run out of steam” and it was okay to carry on with his children’s choir director, married, and 20 years younger (he was a director of worship at a megachurch).
Even while he was devaluing me and discarding me, he would tell me things like, “You can trust me to help you through this. I am really a good guy.” Or my favorite? “When I look in the mirror I can see that I am really a wonderful person”.
For 32 years I believed I was living with a man who lived what he professed to believe, but when it all started falling apart, I realized he was a liar, a serial adulterer, and that he had been manipulating me for 32 years to make sure I didn’t blow his public image.
Sad, isn’t it?
Honey
Honey–
So much the same. Bizarre. Except Catholic not Protestant.
These creeps have the same MO all over…I am sure we’ll have a Rabbi’s wife post soon!
DEar JFour,
WElcome to the healing place this is, I’m sorry you have suffered so much that it is necessary for you to be here, but you have arrived at the RIGHT place.
Yes, they are VERY good at being the “monster” behind closed doors and “mr. Nice Guy” to the public and even other family members. They appear cool, calm and collected, and they “drive you crazy”—I too “was crazy”—and appeared like I should have been locked up in a straight jacket a year ago this month–but you know, even though my mother, my oldest son didn’t believe me, called me a liar to my face because THEY knew that the Psychopaths (more than one) were soooooo trustworthy and I was the big bad liar…well, eventually the Psychopaths went to jail, and one is still in prison so sometimes you do get vindicated, other times, you don’t.
Unfortunately, sometimes the psychopaths are soooo good at their lies that the other people DON’T ever believe you. I think many if not most of the bloggers here have had that same experience of trying to tell others about the “monster” the P is and no one will believe them. I have trusted Ps before and I was warned before hand and I DID NOT BELIEVE IT EITHER. I should have listened.
I know you must hurt badly at the fact that your own children don’t believe you. My Psychopaths turned my oldest son against me too, but I have him back how…Praise God! So some good came out of all of this (he was married to one who had distanced him from our family). So, don’t lose hope that one day your psychopath will drop the mask and they will see the REAL MONSTER behind his MASK. In the meantime, I would suggest that you just GET AWAY from him, NO CONTACT. Of any kind.
When you have had some time to heal, and get your emotional feet back under yourself, then you can calmly tell your story to those that you love–repeat–CALMLY, and then let them digest it. They may not believe you NOW but the time may come when they will.
My son C said to me after it all blew up, “Mom was a prophet” but I wasn’t, I just KNEW what they were. I had to back off, and literally run and hide, but when I did, they self exploded. As long as I was “fighting it” it actually gave them more strength and took away my own sanity. I finally realized I couldn’t convince my family their danger so I left and quit telling them, but then, THEY SAW FOR THEMSELVES and the words I had said proved to be true.
I have a friend, age 70, who was married to one for nearly 50 years and when she left he swore he would break her and take all of her family away from her and make them think she was crazy. She was “crazy” with pain, loss, grief, etc. for a while, but she is doing well now and her kids are seeing that their “daddy” isn’t all that they thought he was.
Recently my friend went back east to her grandson’s wedding and she literally did not recognize her x husband, he looked so bad, and her kids are calling her now and grandkids and in the end, THEY will see.
The psychopaths can’t keep up the mask forever, they let it drop, so heal yourself, concentrate on YOU and getting yourself back together, and there is a good chance that the family may see the TRUTH, and that’s what’s important, but if they never see the truth, you will at least be whole and healthy. ((((hugs))))) and God bless you.
I remember reading Cleckley and A. Lowen regarding anti-social personalities. One quote was “a life devoid of emotions is beyond our imaginations. With that learned, work in sequence to your questions of whether an anti-social personality knows what they are doing. The answer is yes. They know what they are doing from an intellectual viewpoint only. No emotions involved in any decision making they conduct. NO EMOTIONS? No emotions. They walk like a duck and quack like a duck, and shake like a duck, but they aren’t a duck. Not in this frame of mind … living in their ego.
My life was destroyed by anti-socials (for which I call them surface dwellers or SD for short) skimming the surface of life, never wading deep into the waters of emotions.
Anyway, I kept analyzing them as they did their destructive deeds to my career. How they loved every minute of inflicting pain into my daily life. Monday, through Friday, week in, week out, for six entire years I endured all that they came up with to break me down. Mondays I was pulled in to trumped up meetings where issues they fabricated would never be resolved. Tuesdays they left me to soak up what happened on Mondays. Wednesday, like clockwork … I was pulled into trumped up meetings. Thursday, I was left to soak up what happened the day before and the day before that. Fridays, I was brought into trumped up meetings … just to ensure I would have a miserable weekend. Next week it started all over again. All these meetings, all these weeks, month in month out, year in year out I prayed “forgive them Lord, for they NOT know what they do”. I must have said that prayer at least 50 times per work day. “forgive them Lord, for they know NOT what they do”. All those years I kept remember my readings about anti-social personalities and how we should never underestimate an anti-social personality, the lower they go today, the lower they can go tomorrow. So tomorrow was always worse than the day before. Those days that they laid off me and I wasn’t pulled into a trumped up meeting (for which I called them Kangaroo court) wasn’t to give me a breather … it was to tweak and work on my co-workers nearest me to get them to finally break (snap). When a co-worker has finally had it with the unfairness of a complaint in the office, 9 out of 10 times they take their frustrated anger out on a co-worker other than the supervisor or manager. So what do you think eventually happened …. yes, yes, yes, a co-working near me would get frustrated and explode and the explosion was usually directed at me….not knowing how they were being played like a fiddle… So of course, I was pulled into more trumped up meetings. Where I sat their and silently prayed “forgive them Lord, for they not know what they do”. This was a well oiled machine … playing their anti-social games in the workplace.
So that was the first shoe that feel. My career was ended … never to be revived. Then the 2nd shoe fell. My fiance was an anti-social personality too and took off and left me penniless. I could tell you more … but you get the message. Now, what was I to do? Was I going to stay bitter and in pain for the rest of my life? Was I ever going to get passed this set back so systematically choragraphed by anti-social personalities? So I prayed to God to get me through this phase in my life. I prayed and prayed and prayed to God. Then one day, I prayed that God would send me a messenger. Messengers are always coming in and out of our lives … we just have to recognize them. When we are ready, we will see them … we will hear them. I already told this story on another page. Bottom line is … Oprah was on TV playing in the background noise. She mentioned E. Tolle’s book “A New Earth”. I logged on to her site Oprah.com and signed up for the class. I got Mr. Tolle’s book and read it cover to cover. Every Tuesday, after Oprah and Tolle’s classes, I downloaded the latest chapter of Mr. Tolle explaining his book in detail. 10 Chapters, free of charge on Oprah’s site. The pain is gone. My compassion for others has returned. My insight into life is so much fuller, brighter, exciting. The greatest gift is to have my sense of humor back. It feels great to laugh again. It feels great to see my family and friends and those I love. When I think back, I think my sense of humor and my ability to love others is what irked all the SDs in the first place.
So do yourself a favor. Read E. Tolle’s book “A New Earth”, log onto Oprah.com and download all his lectures about his book. Pass this information on to every one you know.
I send you Love and Peace and Harmony back into your life
tmassar, I’ve been away from the S for 7 months, divorced for the past 2. This is what I’ve done to help heal myself: I’ve read nearly every book on P’s/S’s, narcissism, anti-social personality disorder, and sexual addiction. I’ve been in one-on-one therapy and am now in group therapy with other women in situations similar to mine. I joined a local S-Anon (Sex Addicts Anonymous) group, for which I attend weekly meetings. I have learned so much, and it has helped me heal. I know there was nothing I did to cause this person to treat me so cruelly – no matter who he is with, the same thing will happen. He had been married before and did the same thing.
There continue to be days where I wake up struggling with the realization of what has happened. I made yet another slip yesterday when I asked him to meet me as I had some things to tell him. He agreed, and we met, and I talked and talked, he listened, and again there was my proof, staring right at me – there was nothing in his eyes, absolutely nothing, as he truly feels nothing. I have been mostly No Contact, but every now and then I feel I have to try to reach him. But, I think I may be done now. When you look into the eyes of an S, and truly see them for what they are, it can be frightening. The eyes are the windows of the soul, and he has no soul, so there is nothing there.
I told him he controlled me our entire marriage, and he laughed, as though this was completely ridiculous. The truth is, he is completely ridiculous, lives in his own fantasy world, where there is no room for reality. I know this now, and this helps me recover.
I have to focus on me now, as we all do. I am attempting to get my career back, as he convinced me years ago to quit my job. I have to get my self-esteem back, and it’s coming back slowly but it takes a lot of work.
We have to be grateful that we are humans, we live human values, they do not. I would much rather be a human being with real emotions and real pain and real joy, than absolutely nothing, void of all emotions.
Almost_Free,
Glad things are on the healing path for you, it sounds like you are doing “all the right things” and the healing will come one step at a time. GOOD FOR YOU.
That “look” and the “laughing” at you—that must be so painful for you. The being scoffed at I think for me at least was worse than being SLAPPED. The slap would have ONLY been physical pain and being scoffed at, derided, discounted, by someone you loved is a knife to the soul.
I think though, just by its very painfulness, we learn that anytime we break NO CONTACT we will get a “dose” of this medicine that is so painful, that eventually no contact becomes easier. With my mother, who scoffed unmercifully at me in her role as the “Psychopath-by-Proxy” calling me the psychopath, me the liar, etc and I KNEW I was the ONLY one NOT lying. But that very derision was what made me finally able to go no contact with her, which is the best thing I have ever done. Hang in there, you’re making progress! (((hugs))))
I thought I would share this daily quote that came to my e-mail tonight.
Your Great Quotation of the Day
Confidence….thrives only on honesty, on honor, on the sacredness of obligations, on faithful protection and on unselfish performance. Without them, it cannot live.
Franklin D. Roosevelt
To OxDrover: I meant to respond to your e-mail regarding your ex and the damage to you and your personal property. Same thing happens to all of us … as you know by reading this blog. I think they attack us so brutally this way is because they got involved with us in the first place for us to some how save/fix/repair them. Our ex’s were attracted to our light (our good qualities). Qualities that the SDs (Surface Dwellers – that’s my name for them) instinctively know (on whatever level they are really on) they don’t have. There is a void in them. A void that only they can go silent, be still, talk with God and repair themselves. They don’t understand this. That’s why they continue running all their lives … running, running, running. To where? How does some one really run away from themselves??? They have a love/hate thing going on with every one they meet. They love a person when drawn to their light … then within hours/days/maybe a week .. their disappointment sets in … but they don’t let us know (they mask it). We still think we’re in this great relationship, it’s only been a few days or weeks and we are still going strong … not realizing … “we” were over long time ago. They clock us because they are frustrated. The more they give us pain and the more damage they do to our property, the more they steal from us, lies to us, cheat us, deceive us … the greater the pain they are in. At least that is what my heart of hearts tells me it is.
Dear Wini,
The Trojan Horse Psychopath is a convicted child molester who “infiltrated” our family with the intention of killing me (long story about a Trust) for my psychopath son who was financially cut out of my will. I fled from him after discovering who he really was, so he (by this time was having an affair with my P-daughter-in-law) changed his plans to just rob my mother and take off with the DIL, their affair was discovered by my son C so they tried to kill him, got arrested and went to jail. She is out on probation now, but he is still in prison.
Duriing the time I was gone from home (june, july of last year) while he was out he was vandalizing my home and farm, nothing serious was discovered until we realized what had been done to motors that “mysteriously wouldn’t run” and locked up. He couldn’t find me to kill me, so he just did as much financial damage as he could on engines that were not regularly started–lawn mower, generator, and air plane. I’m just glad he didn’t get my farm tractor as well.
While it was a financial “kick in the head” the thing I am GRATEFUL fior is that I realized that while I had a bad DAY out of it full of anger, frustration, etc. IT DIDN’T RUIN MY ENTIRE SUMMER. If that had been known last year I would have melted down again, and I DIDN’T melt down, so in a way, I can look at the positive part of it, that says I am stronger now, much MUCH MUCH stronger now than I was then. Better able to COPE with “stuff” that happens in a more positive way. Accept what cannot be changed and not let it get me down down DOWN.
IN a way I can almost laugh now, because in the court room he kept smirking at me, sitting there in his orange jump suit smirking–now I know what he was smirking about. He knew he had left me a “suprise” that I would eventually discover. Even though HE was in jail, he had left evil behind and it gave him pleasure, made him feel like a “winner.” Well, I REALLY AM THE WINNER, because I have my life back. My strength back, and I am recovering, healing. He will never have that.
I read through the comments and kept nodding my head…it’s all so horribly familiar, isn’t it?
My P also spoke about his distaste for men who cheat – the hypocrite! I got confirmation this week that he was living with a woman when we first met (not his sister, like he told me). Also, he was romancing another woman at the same time he moved in with me and promised me we would spend our lives together. In fact, he married that woman while we were still together.
Even worse, I gave him the money he used to buy the plane ticket to the city where he got married! He told me he had a catering job in a nearby town and even called and sent me text messages during the few days he was away.
All this came to light in the past two weeks so I am in the thick of feeling intense rage and frustration. I fantasise about kidnapping and torturing him and I don’t feel bad about having those thoughts. He is in jail now but he could be free by next year and frankly I’m quite worried that he will try to hurt me. I exposed his lies to his wife and family and scuppered his plans for a cushy life sponging off his wife when he got out of prison. Also, I’ve been very vocal in my town about him and what he did and word is spreading about his true nature. I imagine he must hate me for that.
It is still hard to believe that our ENTIRE relationship was a lie, a scam. He plotted every moment of it and everything was calculated to get money and other material benefits from me.
When his wife and I confronted him in prison (we discovered his deception while chatting in the waiting room) he immediately became aggressive towards me and shouted at me to get out. The sick thing is that for an instant I actually felt guilty, like I had done something wrong. He gave me that look – filled with cold fury and evil.
What upsets me too is that in a weird way I was kind of jealous of his wife. Why did he marry her and not me? Rationally I know he was actually paying me a compliment – he knew he couldn’t fool me for much longer (I was being relentless in digging for the truth behind his jail sentence) and she is a softer, more gullible person than I am. Yet, I still feel jealous. I wanted to be picked for once. I guess that says something important about me.
I know I have a lot of soul-searching to do. After all, he had reasons for picking me. I need to look at what I did to make myself an inviting target for him.