As part of my day job—writing scripts for web-based training programs—I came across some information developed by the Institute for Global Ethics. Surveys conducted worldwide have consistently identified a group of values that people of all cultures and nationalities recognize as essential. These universal values are:
- Honesty
- Responsibility
- Respect
- Fairness
- Compassion
Sociopaths violate all of them.
Perhaps that’s why those of us who are ethical, who care about others, who want to live cooperatively among our neighbors, feel so shaken after a collision with a sociopath. These predators take the qualities that people all over the world consider essential to the social contract and stomp on them, run them through a meat grinder and then pulverize them.
But they don’t tell us what they’re going to do. (Or if they do, we think they can’t possibly be serious.) Instead, they mouth eloquent words about their loyalty, trustworthiness and caretaking. We believe the words. Eventually, however, we discover that the words are empty, and their behavior reveals their true attitude: To them, the universal values of humanity mean nothing.
Then we, trying to extricate ourselves from the sociopathic relationship, lose our footing. We suspect that no one really cares about honesty, responsibility, respect, fairness and compassion. We were the only chumps who took these qualities seriously.
The good news is that we were right in the first place—most people in the world do respect the universal values. As we heal from our traumatic experiences, we’ learn how to differentiate those who do from the sociopaths who don’t.
Beverly,
There are definitely inconsistencies in their stories or should I say lies. My sociopath was always coming to someone’s aid whenever he left unexpectedly. I thought what a wonderful humanitarian he was until I found out that he wasn’t doing half of the things he claimed.
Oxdrover,
It must be expecially difficult to deal with this illness in your son. At least I have an option of not dealing with this man since we were not married and had no children together.
If only there was a way to reach them on some level, but it does not seem possible. They cannot see the harm that they do. They feel no remorse for their actions. I and I am sure you and the many others posting on this website cannot understand the sociopath’s lack of empathy for others.
hummingbird,
Thank you. Yes, it was extremely difficult, but not just because it was my son, it is difficult with ANY one you love.
You lose the “illusion” that you have for them. It is a grevious loss in any relationship because the relationship is so one sided. You realize, like you did, that it is all a lie, a mask, a fascade. NOT real at all.
NO contact is the only way. It isn’t “giving up” it is ACCEPTING REALITY. It is getting out of denial. Just as Tmassar’s husband pled with her to give him another chance, it was all his fault, he will do better, she is a queen, etc etc. it is all EMPTY PROMISES THAT NEVER BECOME HEALING ACTION. (A great thread here by the way) and while accepting that it is nothing but empty promises is difficult it is the only way we can heal.
Learning about RED FLAGS in people with psychopathic traits and then AVOIDING those people is the only thing we can do. We can’t “fix” them, but we can sure avoid them.
I have learned in my life time in the wilds of this and other countries to recognize poison snakes and to differentiate them from non-poison ones. It is a good idea for survival and to avoid serious injury or death from a poison snake.
A few days ago a friend came over and saw and killed a water moccosin in my drive way. My cat had killed a baby one the day before, and yesterday I saw and killed another baby out by the aircraft hangar. I don’t walk barefoot at night and I always look under something before I put my hands there. WHY? Because of course I know that there could be poison snakes around here. I know what they look like, and non poisonous snakes are not molested. I try to keep the mice population in my barn down so snakes won’t be attracted to the barn. In short, I USE GOOD SENSE and what I have learned about snakes and poison snakes in particular to keep myself from being bitten.
The things I have learned about psychopaths I also try to apply to my own safety. I have learned to identify their behaviors, their “territory” and what they “look like” (behaviors) and to avoid them as much as I can. To differentiate them from Non-poisonsous humans, etc.
All this so that I can live a life free of the poison bites of the psychopaths, and heal the injuries from past “bites.”
I an NO CONTACT with my son, so I too have an option to NOT DEAL with him. The fact that he is my son, that I gave birth to him, doesn’t make me obligated to “deal with” him in any way and I won’t. Regardless of the “connection” there is no way to deal with Ps except by NO CONTACT. Once I accepted that, then it got easier from there.
I’m not sure any of us can totally understand the psychopath’s mind, how they can exist without a conscience, any mroe than they can understand how we exist with one. We can only observe their behaviors. I can’t understand the “mind” of a poison snake either, but I know to avoid it.
How so you act when you see someone that betrayed you so badly by knowlingly exposing you to HIV. How do you act when you see them come to the place that YOU took them to. Where they KNOW you will be…..how do I just sit back and watch him walk around like he did nothing wrong, hiding behind his mask of loyalty, honesty, and trustworthiness. Using the military, an instituion built on values, to hide behind and make people believe his is like them- normal. but I KNOW he is FAR from it.
Dear Dodged_A_Bullet,
I think I would find another place to go where he will NOT “show up”—why put yourself through this misery of “running into him?”
My X-BF does sometimes show up at living history events that I attend, but they are LARGE gatherings over a LARGE area like big park, so I don’t have to be intimately near him at all. AND he is more uncomfortable than I am I think from the way he seems to AVOID ME.
I think it may be painful for you to find new places, but is that any less painful than seeing him there, skipping around like nothing is wrong? The only other alternative might be to stand up and shout “This man has HIV and lied to me” and I don’t think that is a reasonable alternative as YOU would look like the crazy one even though you were telling the truth.
I think it will be easier to move on if you just avoid him all together. NO CONTACT. Seeing them, especially early on, seems to just rip the scabs off and make our wounds continue to bleed. (((hugs))))
It has been a YEAR. I should not have to alter MY schedule because of this sorry ass piece of shit psychopath. I’ve had ENOUGH. He has done enought damage to me already. HE WILL NOT cause me to give up a place that I TRULY enjoy. MY GYM.
I may not stand up and shout it, but by hell I WILL tell people. I will gaurantee that.
I can’t say as I blame you for telling others, as it is a fatal disease and transmittable. It isn’t like it isn’t a matter of life and death! I hope they believe you.
Odette,
Oh how I relate to wanting to be picked for once.
Before this bad thing happened to me, I was already aware that there was something wrong with how we women relate to men.. waiting for them to chose us. There is something a little off with that.
But wanting to be picked, instead of doing the choosing… I think that facilitated the Bad Man sneaking into my life. It wasn’t hard.. he picked me and I wanted to be picked… so I put up with way too much.
Won’t do that again.
:o)
Aloha
You are so very right. I realise that my desire to be picked stems from my underlying belief that no one could really love me. I thought my P really loved me, just for who I was. He often told me he didn’t need me to change, that he loved me exactly the way I was. That was music to my ears.
Even though I realise that his entire life is a lie and he is incapable of true emotions I still felt hurt that once again I was passed over. It somehow seemed vindication of my belief that no one could possibly fall in love with me.
As much as everyone tells me I didn’t do anything wrong, that I didn’t ask for this man to come into life, I can’t help but wonder why I attracted him in the first place. He is the most extreme example in a long line of failed relationships (thank God none of the others were psychopaths though) and it feels like I just can’t get it right.
I can SO relate to these posts! My S repeatedly spoke of how “good” he was to people and how he accepted people for who they were. He would make references to his relationship with God and spirituality leading one to believe that he not only based his moral beliefs on God’s instructions but followed them as well. He would also use his “morals” against me and tell me that I was the bad one in that I didn’t accept people for who they were. It made me feel as though it was my own spirituality that was way out of line.
And, yes, he always had to be “Mr. Nice Guy” even if it made me (his own wife) look like the bad one. A friend might ask a favor of him and of course, he NEVER wanted to help a friend out unless it was to his own benefit. All this talk of being there to help out friends, etc., was just talk. He would get totally aggravated if someone ask a favor of him that disrupted his life! Unbeknownst to me, he would use ME as an excuse by telling the friend that I didn’t want him to do the task! Once, he even came home and told me that he had asked his boss for a raise and had told the boss that his wife wouldn’t allow him to continue working for his current pay! I was SO embarassed for him and myself! Another time, when he felt that a friend was taking advantage of him, he told the friend that I said that he had to stop! He always made me look like the “bad one” and he still continues to do this today by telling people that I’m the crazy one when I’ve attempted to expose him for who he really is. And, yes, they all believe him!
I can also relate to them representing themselves as being so PERFECT. Where do they learn this? How do they have the patience to keep their acts up? My S represented himself as being perfect to me for nearly 8 years! I was totally in the dark and unaware that he was saying horrible things about me behind my back and using those things as his own excuse to have sexual encounters with too many women to count! However, I was the love of his life and his “angel” when he was in my presence! He treated me with more respect and gave me more affection and attention than anyone I’d ever known!
It was after he had used me up financially, emotionally and sexually and had nothing more to gain from me that the mask was unveiled. He turned into an evil monster right before my eyes! I now understand that he had found his NEXT victim and I no longer mattered–there was nothing more to gain from me as he had used me up. This “perfect” person who always said all the right things was suddenly saying the most degrading and horrific things to me–no one had ever talked that badly to me before. His words literally left me in a state of shock!
After he left, people started coming forward to tell me of his evilness. It was then that the pure hatred and rage set in for me. I understand that so very well, and after a year and a half, am still dealing with it to some degree. I don’t think I would even flinch if I learned he was dead. That makes me feel somewhat like a bad person but reading here that it is normal is validating.
I also went through my period of trying to save the world from him–beginning with the “new” girlfriend. She’s too young and too caught up in his lies and his charm. She thinks I’m the crazy one, of course, and even though she acknowledges that she has recognized a few red flags, he has reassured her by telling her that SHE is the special one that he will change for. He has also convinced her that although he has a history of cheating and taking advantage of women, that he treated me the worst because he just really didn’t want to be with me to begin with! I even catch the contradictions and the lies he has told her through her repeating what he has said to her back to me. She is just like I once was, so caught up under his spell that she can no longer reason herself.
Yes, we should all feel grateful that it is no longer us who they are focused on. We are no longer under their spell and we now understand their behavior SO well. It has made us more aware of the evilness that exists in people and prepared us to make wiser choices. I pity those who are still caught up in their webs.