As part of my day job—writing scripts for web-based training programs—I came across some information developed by the Institute for Global Ethics. Surveys conducted worldwide have consistently identified a group of values that people of all cultures and nationalities recognize as essential. These universal values are:
- Honesty
- Responsibility
- Respect
- Fairness
- Compassion
Sociopaths violate all of them.
Perhaps that’s why those of us who are ethical, who care about others, who want to live cooperatively among our neighbors, feel so shaken after a collision with a sociopath. These predators take the qualities that people all over the world consider essential to the social contract and stomp on them, run them through a meat grinder and then pulverize them.
But they don’t tell us what they’re going to do. (Or if they do, we think they can’t possibly be serious.) Instead, they mouth eloquent words about their loyalty, trustworthiness and caretaking. We believe the words. Eventually, however, we discover that the words are empty, and their behavior reveals their true attitude: To them, the universal values of humanity mean nothing.
Then we, trying to extricate ourselves from the sociopathic relationship, lose our footing. We suspect that no one really cares about honesty, responsibility, respect, fairness and compassion. We were the only chumps who took these qualities seriously.
The good news is that we were right in the first place—most people in the world do respect the universal values. As we heal from our traumatic experiences, we’ learn how to differentiate those who do from the sociopaths who don’t.
Tami
I really identified with what you wrote. My P also told me I was the love of his life. In fact, I still have a text message on my phone wherein he states that I make life worth living. Little did I know he was romancing another woman at the same time.
I accidentally exposed his true face last month and that is a comfort I cling to, that even though it was unintentional, I exposed his true nature to those who knew him. The woman he conned into marrying now knows who he is and the last I spoke to her she said she was divorcing him. His sister who (literally) bailed him out when he was in trouble is so disgusted with him she refuses to acknowledge him as family.
Like you, I would not be sorry if he died. In fact, I have entertained several very satisfying fantasies about how that could happen. He is in jail now so I have to content myself with hoping that’s he’s having a miserable time. Sometimes at night, just before I fall asleep, I think…”I’m safe and cosy in my bed and you’re sleeping in a cold hard prison bed. I’m so happy about that.” Maybe that’s childish but that’s how I feel.
Dear Tami, your post, so well written, really caputured the sense of betrayal at the deepest level. I have heard many people here say (and myself) that thepredator seduced us using love as the hook, at the very deepest levels. Hence, I guess the title LoveFraud. To use the mask of being aligned to God is pretty despicable.
I really believe though, that in their skewed way that they probably did love us at the beginning. A bit like an addict who promises himself that after his last encounter, he will stay clean and not mess up, so he is on a high, meeting a girl, thinking yes this is really the special one (and she is at the time) and then the subpersonality (the dark shadow) which has been dormant starts whispering, putting doubts into their mind, maybe she is not perfect enough, there are better women out there, then the ‘voice’ shouts more loudly twisting their minds, until they are entwining love and pain and trying to extract themselves out of the situation by finding someone new, as though the last person (and the chaos) never existed. I think Wini said, they are always running running. I dont know how long you have been out of the situation, but you sound pretty balanced in your post?
Beverly and Odette–
Thank you so much for your responses. Yes, I guess he did really love me in the beginning as much as his disorder allowed. However, it is very apparent to me that he certainly did not love me for being just ME. He loved what he felt he could gain from me. He talked openly of how successful he saw me as far as my career, made a big deal out of the fact that I had good credit, loved it that I had a new sporty car for him to be seen in AND I was much more attractive than any woman he’d ever had so I was also someone that he was proud to be seen with–not proud of me–but proud of himself for aquiring someone like me. Make sense? I took the fact that I had been on my job a good number of years, had a house and a new car and good credit as something I was expected to do in order to be a responsible person. Looking back–he marveled about it as though I was the only person on earth who had reached these achievements! That SHOULD have been a red flag for me but he did it in such a way that I was left feeling flattered. He was SO excited about these things because he saw how they could benefit him–it was NEVER about me. The poor girl that he is now with doesn’t stand a chance. He’s 10 years older than her and she’s very awestruck–hangs on his every word–and believes everything he says. He had her committed to buying a mobile home and signing the loan papers after knowing him less than three months and even before she had filed for a divorce from her husband. She wasn’t even aware that the land they parked it on was not legally owned by him but actually owned by his mother until I told her differently. What makes me really sick is that he learned how to talk as though he was mature and responsible from the years he spent with me!!! They learn from each victim in order to refine their techniques to use against future victims.
Beverly–I’ve been out of my situation for a year and a half. I realized very soon after my ex left me for the woman that he is with now that there was something hoirribly, horribly wrong with him. It REALLY became obvious when family and friends came forward to tell me of the evilness he had carried out behind my back during our marriage. I sought the help of a counselor immediately. It was that counselor who helped me understand. I’m so grateful to him and to Lovefraud. Otherwise, I would still believe that I just wasn’t good enough to be his wife! LOL! Not the case at all–I’m too good to be his wife and he’s not fit to be anyone’s husband!
TAmi and Odette,
It’s it amazing what you find out about how they went behind your back and told others all kinds of things, and the others never even bothered to check with you to see if it was TRUE. No wonder even before we start to GO CRAZY, people already SEE US AS CRAZY, so when we “go over the brink” they feel validated that what the P said MUST BE TRUE.
If you try to “defend” yourself it only makes them think you are “really guilty.” Heads they win, tail you lose. What a situation to be in. I’m glad you guys are OUT of the terrible P-trap, and on your way to healing. Thank you very much for your great posts!
My ex-P used to go around saying that he “lived by the Golden Rule—until I started catching him in one lie after another. Then he stopped saying that to me. I’m sure he’s out there right now tooting his own horn to some other poor unfortunate who has not yet schooled herself on the cause and effects of the sociopath.
Apt/mgr, you and I could have been married to the same man except mine had E.D. so often that I doubt he could have children. I was single for many years before he and I married. I was never lonelier than the nights I spent in the same bed with him.
“But how can one go through all the motions of a marriage ceremony, having children, having sex through out the whole marriage, and have it not mean anything?” The same thing kept going through my shocked mind all those months after he blind sighted me and tried to “dump” me out of his life. He spent thousands of dollars on our Maui wedding, home, cars and made sure our married life was painted perfectly for the world to see. Just like he painted himself to me before we were married. I’m sure if he could have located a shirt that said “I’m too good to be true!” he would have gladly worn it. It was all an act. A dog and pony show. I turned out to be one of his “props” until he found someone else. Let me rephrase”until he was through with me.
Like so many others, I keep reading books, anything I can find to try and understand why this carefully planned life of mine went up in smoke. He has ruined me financially. I THINK this may be why I’m so hurt. I’m not sure. Or maybe it was the fact that I truly loved him and invested myself in the marriage. I gambled and lost it all. My credit is ruined. His isn’t. I just keep asking myself the million dollar question only to get a 10 cent answer and I think that’s the answer I will always get. Nobody can explain it. If we who have lived with them and shared our lives with them, can’t break the code then who can?
I was very surprised and somewhat relieved to learn about this sight. It enlightened me to the fact that we are all in this together. By that fact alone it should offer some solace. My ex’s first wife committed suicide. I thought about it so many times in those extremely low moments when I was moving out of my beautiful home into a tiny apartment, when I had to sell my car to get a cheaper one and when I saw his blog posted on U-Tube announcing he was in a “relationship” along with his new girlfriend’s picture. Once again, a nice little show for the world to see.
We’ve been divorced almost two years now and, at this moment, I hate him and I honestly don’t know when I will stop hating him. I have nightmares almost every night and I wish someone would help me make some sense of it. Why don’t sociopaths ever marry each other?
Dear Tami, Yes women are VERY susceptible to flattery, it fans the flames of desire and some men know that and use it as a tool. As women we must learn to distinguish genuine from fake flattery. It must have been a terrible shock for you as he basked in your achievements not for you, but for himself. You sound very balanced and you have obviously worked through alot.
Oh yes, they refine their technique after each encounter, you are so right. I realised that when we had broken up and much to his rage I went and spoke to his ex girlfriend and asked her what he was like with her. I realised that he was acting the opposite with me and that he had adapted himself and was not being his true self. Fakery upon fakery. Best wishes to you Tami.
Hi UB
“Why don’t sociopaths ever marry each other?”
I know you didn’t mean this to be funny, but it was to me. They do deserve each other, don’t they. Wouldn’t that give us all the last laugh?
eyesopened,
I keep hoping I’ll win the lottery so that I can take out a full page ad in the Tennessean (Nashville paper) saying “S***** Brauer! How do you like me now?”
I wouldn’t really do that but it would be funny! Yes, I hope he meets his match one day. I really do. His odds are high. He was on more dating websites that you can imagine. Kept his membership going even after we were married!
tami,
I have always heard this and I believe it’s true…”God may forgive you but Nature won’t!”
If you sow enough seeds you will reap a harvest – good or bad.
Odette & AlohaTraveler,
You lovely ladies nailed it for me. We wait to be picked, chosen instead of choosing the man for us.
I was crying on my ex boyfriend’s shoulder a while back about my debacle with the music man. I told him that I’ve only had 2 men (he was one) in my life that were wonderful, caring, loving men. And I picked them. I approached them first, not the other way around. That was such a true statement. I instinctively knew these 2 men were genuine. And…they were. Sometimes relationships with loving people may not last, due to whatever, but you have that sense of closure that you will never get from a personality disordered individual.
My ex is a good, decent, loving man. We’ve been over for 4 years now, but we have become the best of friends. We still love each other, but I consider it a mature, supportive love not a romantic love. When we were together we both we’re dealing with our own emotional pain. We both suffered debilitating depression and instead of reaching out for each in need, we would distance ourselves, retreat in our own private hells. Too much pain to share, I guess.
Good news is we made it through the pain and we’re able to be closer than ever. We understand each other implicitly. We value and genuinely care for each other. He’s my rock. I will endeavor to keep his genuine goodness in the forefront when I meet a new guy. My x is the template I will use to determine if the next fella is sincere.
When I told him about the strange behavoirs of the music man, he was pissed! He said….”that guy’s a kid! You deserve a man, baby, not an immature, selfish kid!” So true. No more adult babies for me. I’v never wanted to be a mother to children and sure as heck don’t want to be one for a guy! Give me a break!