As part of my day job—writing scripts for web-based training programs—I came across some information developed by the Institute for Global Ethics. Surveys conducted worldwide have consistently identified a group of values that people of all cultures and nationalities recognize as essential. These universal values are:
- Honesty
- Responsibility
- Respect
- Fairness
- Compassion
Sociopaths violate all of them.
Perhaps that’s why those of us who are ethical, who care about others, who want to live cooperatively among our neighbors, feel so shaken after a collision with a sociopath. These predators take the qualities that people all over the world consider essential to the social contract and stomp on them, run them through a meat grinder and then pulverize them.
But they don’t tell us what they’re going to do. (Or if they do, we think they can’t possibly be serious.) Instead, they mouth eloquent words about their loyalty, trustworthiness and caretaking. We believe the words. Eventually, however, we discover that the words are empty, and their behavior reveals their true attitude: To them, the universal values of humanity mean nothing.
Then we, trying to extricate ourselves from the sociopathic relationship, lose our footing. We suspect that no one really cares about honesty, responsibility, respect, fairness and compassion. We were the only chumps who took these qualities seriously.
The good news is that we were right in the first place—most people in the world do respect the universal values. As we heal from our traumatic experiences, we’ learn how to differentiate those who do from the sociopaths who don’t.
Jane Smith–I couldn’t help but notice your reference to the “music man” and how he was like a kid. I don’t know if music is intended to be in a literal sense or not your case buy my ex S is a drummer and yes, SO very much like a kid! I felt like I was raising another son–although my son hadn’t displayed my S’s immaturity level since he was 12! Yes, we are so guilty of allowing ourselves to be chosen. I’ve done that with every man I’ve ever been involved with. The next one will be of my choosing and I’ll just tell ya, he’ll have to be one hell of a man to meet up to my standards! LOL!
The S with whom I was involved was a drummer, too; it was only a hobby, not his job, but the band did play nightclubs/lounges.
He once claimed he was one of those “Peter Pan” men and laughed when he said he qualified for that joke about women wanting to have a child, not marry one.
Tami & Eyesopened,
Yeah, my X music man was a guitarist, keyboardist. He was involved with 2 bands for 9 years, but no more. Now he…”just plays for himself”…pfft! He plays his music to seduce all zee women ’cause he ain’t that physically appealing. He’s cute, goofy sense of humor, sorta sexy in a furry critter kind of way, but I KNEW (thank you intuition) that I was so totally out of his league in many areas. Now, I’m not talking about money, things, status. He was just a real low life, know what I mean? I can see it and describe it now but I was…”so in love”.. with his illusion of a sweet, lost little puppy dog who was afraid of being alone. Whatever.
I’m glad the dude is out of my life, but like so many of you on here, I won’t be the least bit surprised if he calls me out of the blue someday. And, no…I will not answer. He’ll go away, find some kind, beautiful woman to deceive and continue on his own journey of evil.
And like you, Used Braur, I still hate him. Heck, being involved with this last loser stirred up memories of my x husband and a sociopath/psychopath who stalked me for 2 flippin years! I discovered that I hate them also! It’s not an all consuming hatred as I’m not wasting my precious energy on these idiots, but it’s a slow simmer that mobilizes me to protect myself, be on guard for some sicko predator to target his evil lazer beam eyes my way.
These “people” cause too much damage, too much turmoil in our lives and we need to take back our beautiful power and shun them completely.
And I’m SOOO with ya on that Tami, about re-setting up those high standards. Why shouldn’t we have high standards? Once upon a time, I DID! What happened…haha?
Well, you live and learn, and this last lesson was a DOOZY. If I mess up again with another freako, its my darn fault…:)
JaneSmith & Eyesopened–my ex S, the drummer, played in a band but certainly didn’t make a living of it. Hell, he didn’t make a living, period–his work was NEVER steady. Although, I supported his music and his band fully, I started to suspect that the main reason he liked playing so much was for the attention. My S had to have an overwhelming amount of attention 24/7–making it impossible for me to have any interests aside from his. He finally snagged a little gal that came to hear the band play with her husband. She was known for sleeping around and had already been sleeping with the lead singer in the band which was a good friend of her husband’s. A couple of weeks later, my husband-the S, announced that he was leaving me for her. It’s really funny, I think he might have met his match. I made my ex S look really good–like he actually had something–and her husband made her look the same. I think they both blew smoke up each other’s rears as far as their accomplishments in life–never realizing that someday they’d actually be together. She claims to make $4,000 a month and she’s a freakin’ medical assistant! Their pay usually tops out around $12 per hour in this area. RN’s don’t even earn that much in this area! He only broke $20,000 two of the eight years that we were married. The first year that they were together–they lived with her parents (my ex S is 40 years old!) as they stuggled to get the money together to set up an old mobile home that he conned her into signing the loan contract for on his mother’s property–property which he led her to believe to be his. This is something that HE always wanted for himself and he tried repeatedly to get me to invest my money in his mother’s property. I wouldn’t do it–he has a step-father and two siblings and there’s no will in place should she pass away. His mother is every bit the S that he is–there’s no way that I was going to do that but this gal was so excited that SHE was getting a house!
I can just about predict what his next moves are and what is up to. He wanted a house paid for and on his mother’s farm so he could “retire” early. Retire from what–I’m unsure–as he’s never worked enough to have a career! Basically, he wanted a secure place to hang his hat so that he didn’t have to work to have a home! She recently posted a headliner on her myspace page about her going on a surprise trip that her man had planned. I knew it would be a trip to Myrtle Beach so HE could scout out possible places that his band might play. He’ll NEVER do ANYTHING soley for another person’s benefit. Sure enough, a pic soon went up of the two of them posing t-shirts for a band he had connected with at Myrtle Beach!
He also openly brags about the things that she buys him–trying to make himself look big! He did the same thing with me and I told him to stop telling everyone what I bought him. I, personally, thought it made him appear to be less of a man, and me look like an idiot who was being used. Turned out to be the truest thought I’d ever had!
I’ve tried to warn the girl! What a mistake! He has her totally convinced that I want him back–just like he did me concerning the women who proceeded me. He said that was why they hated him so much–because they wanted him back. I think he honestly believes this! There is nothing to want back because he isn’t “real”. The only thing real about him is when he’s using his charm to take advantage of someone without their ever realizing it. And, yes, I now fully understand WHY those women hated him so much and I’m quite certain none of them would ever consider having him back. I certainly wouldn’t–I’m still scratching my head in wonder as to how I was ever foolish enough to allow myself to become one of his victims! And, for the ladies/men who post here who say they want their S’s back or that they miss them, please try to keep in mind that the person you are missing never existed. The person you are missing is the person you saw when the mask came off. Just how attracted were you to THAT person? That’s the person that I focus on when I think about my ex S, and it was truly a MONSTER!
I want to say to all here, how sorry I am for your plight. It was bad enough of what I endured, but when I think one of you could be one of my daughters writing, I shudder. The first thing I asked my daughters when they met their prospective husbands, was, “are they real?” That was over 8 years ago, before I knew anything about anti-socials or sociopaths, etc. I just knew the way I lived wasn’t the norm. I hoped and prayed that my daughters wouldn’t have to endure what I did, just to live. It shouldn’t be this way, but 40 years ago, there were signs but I didn’t take them as such. I thought they were quirks. I had just fallen off the turnip truck at the time and didn’t know any better. I just knew I didn’t do that, and I have a reason for everything I do. Nothing growing up prepared me for what lay ahead for me.
But I keep coming here and reading about what you all had to go through under the name of love, and I find it so appalling what so many of you endured. The physical abuse is one thing. That can’t be hidden, although some try in order to protect the abuser. It’s the covert abuse that blows me away. So many of these men who think they are men because of their appendage, haven’t a clue as to how to conduct themselves. They don’t know the first thing about what a woman wants. How many of us have cried ourselves to sleep at night after a couple of minutes of “love-making”, leaving us so empty, but we can’t make them understand? How many of us walk around crushed in spirit, due to some scathing remark directed at us, meant to hurt, and we keep playing it over and over? Constant abuse under the guise of love.
As I reflect, I wonder what was so warped in me, that I felt that was the best I could do. I now know I don’t need the validation of a mere man to confirm that I am okay and I am a woman. Cheers to all of us for finally putting a stop to the insanity and being able to call it just what it is. Not love! Or friendship. A sickness that only the one who has it, can get help for it. They have to be able to see what the rest of us do and seek help. But the ones I know think it’s the rest of the world that is marching to a different beat and they are in step. Wrong! I quit trying. Maybe some day they’ll wake up and realize they were going the wrong way. I just don’t want to stick around in hopes it will happen. My life is passing too, and I want to finally participate in my own life and have a say. I would just grow old waiting for them to catch up.
Tami,
I like your spirit, your feistyness. I can relate!..haha.
Like all of the folks on this site, I too am a good woman. I am compassionate and nurturing. But when an abusive relationship ends for me, I first cry my eyeballs out, sleep too much sleep too little, become furious over the fact I was USED for someone else’s pleasure, sickening selfish needs, then finally (after forever it seems) I’m able to breathe deeply again. I’m able to bring my true self together, gathering all the little pieces scattered hither and tither, and emerge victorious. Yes, I absolutely feel trememdous victory, triumph for being able to withstand all the pain, the hurt from being horribly, unjustifiably mistreated, and I can stand up straight and in honor of myself.
I consider our involvements with Ps/Ss/Ns/BPs to be sometimes unbearable trials to participate in. But LOOK at how so many of us, by being caring, supportive, nonjudgemental to each other are moving forward through the pain and coming out on the other side with maybe not total serenity, peace of heart & mind, but willing to confront our situations. Willing, and determined to accept and change not only the people we allow into our lives, but also to alter our own perceptions and behavoirs. For US. For ourselves who we should love and be best friends with.
I’ve learned that from here, on this site. I won’t stand for any nonsense from anyone, anymore. No longer!
I was talking to my beloved Mother last weekend about how I was so very sick at heart from being betrayed by people I trusted, cared for, friends and lovers. She said to me…”You’re a beautiful, vibrant, intelligent woman and you do NOT deserve anything less that kindness, consideration and love from people who really know you. I love you so much. I see the wonderful woman you are and you make me so proud to be your mother.”
Ok…I cried like a baby when she said this to me. She’s awesome, my Mom is. 🙂
Thank you Jane, for saying that you like my “feistyness”. Yes, I’ve always been quick witted and the one to get the last word in. However, sociopath’s don’t seem to give us the opportunity to get a “last word” with them because they run. Such cowards! I so want the opportunity to tell him face to face just what I think about him and all the things I’d like to do to him for the position he so carelessly put me in. But, this is one game I can’t win because I don’t know how to play–thank goodness! If I did, I guess that would make me a sociopath, too! He’ll go too far some day and I fear it will be with his girlfriends cute little neices–she has 4 or 5 and they’re all teens and very attractive. He’ll go too far with one of them and God help him when he does because it’s my guess that their redneck father’s will kill him! He’s a California boy trying to live amongst the mountain folk of Appalachia. I grew up with these people and know how they think. They don’t like outsiders as it is. One slip from him and he’ll be hamburger or possibly even history!
Tami, as a Ozark mountain redneck born and bred, I can testify to what you are saying is true, if he goes too far with one of those little girls he might just push up dasies before it is over, or he will hope the law gets him first.
After my neighbor, who was an outsider dubbed “CRazy Bob” was run out of the community because he sued me for $50K for HIS mental pain and suffering because my husband was bad enough to TRESSPAS on his land to crash in an aircraft and burn to death. He didn’t collect anything BTW.But I had members of the local church who were Decons who offered to kill him for me if I gave them the word. Instead, he was run out of town on a verbal “rail” and “tarred and feathered” verbally. The local store wouldn’t sell him anything and told him to get out of their place, the local veterinarian told him he didn’t want his business, and so he finally after about a year of this left and his land is forsale now.
I do know families though that WOULD have had him killed if they didn’t do it themselves. I’m related to most of those families at least distantly since my family has been on THIS piece of dirt where I live since 1833.
Members of my community may feud among themselves but they will unify against an outsider who violates the rules of the community, especially sexually with a young girl. One of our local meth-crack-heads who was in jail for bank robbery (robbed the local bank where the teller knew him) DUH, only took $1100 cause that was what he needed to buy drugs with, heard about the Trojan HOrse-P’s persecution of our family and tried to kill him in jail, just “because” he didn’t like sex offenders number 1 and number two he wanted to kill him for what he had done to our family and a killing wouldn’t have added a day to the natural life sentence he knew he was facing. Besides, he was coming down off drugs and it felt good to beat someone up.
I found out yesterday from my X-DIL that she also got beaten up when she was in the local jail for 8 months because she was from NY and not here. It must have been a fairly good beating up too as she is missing a couple of front teeth now.
So sometimes karma does bite them in the butt, not always, but sometimes and sometimes we actually get legal justice too. Tooo many times, though, they skate, and when they do we just have to deal with it.
hmmm if I was a Hit Man I would know where to look for business 🙂
Tami,
You ARE feisty, strong. Please don’t downplay your wonderful qualities, indomitable inner strength. You win over the sociopath by remaining on terra firma. You win by retaining your dignity, your grace, your beautiful spirit by confronting and accepting he is a noboby. A big, fat LOSER who never, ever deserved you. EVER. You are a gazillion times the person he will never be. You win by facing, learning the reality of what he IS and moving on with your life. And you will most likely avoid these creatures of doom in the future. I know you will. You’ve placed upon yourself full body armour (intuition, knowledge, self-respect, boundaries) and you will remain that beautiful warrior babe that you are. There’s no going back to past destructive patterns after being exposed to disordered people, after filling your head with all the knowledge you’ve learned about their predictable behavoirs, their predictable speech, their predictable selfishness, their predictable personalities.
And I totally, completely understand wanting to rip the sociopath a new a-hole after all the damage he/she has wrought. I do. After I kicked the Music Man to the curb, I was still pissed, still riddled with heartache so I called him and left a message on his phone. I was furious, beyond reason at the time and I called him a soulless, selfish beast who preys on good, beautiful women for his own sick, twisted needs. I also told him that if he threatened me, or even presumed to come near me I would stab him in the heart. Yes, I said that to him. And I meant it at the time. Me, a person so gentle that I’m a vegetarian and I won’t even hurt a bug. I actually saved a little earthworm crawling on the sidewalk a while back. I picked him up and put him on the safe grass so he/she could continue on. But I wanted to literally kill the X Music Man.
I’ve read so many websites stating that personality disordered people can wreak so much havoc on the hearts and minds of the kindest, most compassionate people enough to cause them to lose control. To comtemplate first degree murder. And by reading this, I didn’t feel so guilty any longer. They’re just thoughts generated by such heartlessness, the cruelest of betrayals. As we the normal folks can ponder the repercussions of our actions, can maintain self-control for many chaoitc situations, I knew I wouldn’t act out on my murderous thoughts. THEY, the selfish Ps/Ns/Ss have no impulse control and do whatever they want, and suffer nothing.
I’ve realized they aren’t “worth the salt in my tears” (great song). THEY aren’t worth one once of pain in my heart. THEY aren’t worth one milisecond of thought directed towards them.
THEY are empty, hollow vessels searching in vain for a way to fill up that which they will never understand, never comprehend, and never BE. You, me, and all the lovely ladies and men of Lovefraud and the hurting folks out there in the world are living proof of the goodness, the kindness, the caring and truely loving way in which we mingle, touch each other on a daily basis that enriches our lives far, far more than PDs can even realize.
And I read on here a comment (I think it was Bev, and/or Apt/Mgr that wrote it), that the idea that a person who repeatedly attests to loving you, but treats you like an enemy, is unfathomable to contemplate. To seek out and destroy a person who honestly deeply cares for, loves you is surreal in the extreme. The implications just boggle the mind.