By O.N. Ward
Every week, a chapter of my book, “Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned” (available via Amazon.com, just click on the title or book cover) will be published here on Lovefraud. To read prior chapters, please see the links at the bottom of the post.
Chapter 15: He Always Tells the Truth—Even When He Lies
Much as agents in the Men in Black movies used “neutralizers” to erase any recall of alien encounters, Paul dazzled and distracted me with brilliant linguistic gymnastics to obscure any glimpses of his true, dark, soulless self. He was masterful at talking his way out of anything and creating an alternate reality to get me to buy into his version of events and to distrust my own recollections. Sociopaths, in general, are experts at this, because they are highly motivated to succeed and have more practice at this than a nonsociopath can even imagine. The people they target typically trust the sociopath and, hence, are not prepared to counter the manipulation unleashed upon them.
Getting someone to question him or herself is easier than you think. Perception and memory are tricky, malleable things, even without the presence of malicious intent. Two well-meaning people often recall even recent events quite differently. Haven’t we all experienced this? Moreover, thanks to advances in forensic science and DNA testing, eyewitness testimony is no longer considered reliable—because, on average, it isn’t. The Innocence Project considers faulty eyewitness recall the most important factor that leads to wrongful convictions.
Our brief exchange the next day to discuss what had happened illuminated how Paul, like so many sociopaths, used language to dominate, influence, and obscure the truth. When it happened to me, I did not understand Paul’s techniques (shared by other sociopaths and fellow manipulators). Yet, a word-by-word dissection of my conversation with Paul reveals the manipulative tools he employed so often.
When I recalled that Paul had said, “Our honeymoon isn’t over until I say it’s over!” and he replied, “I’d never say something like that,” those six words comprised three techniques that are effective at creating misperceptions:
1) framing the conversation to blind me to what was in clear view,
2) creating cognitive dissonance that I would likely resolve in his favor, and
3) deceiving without technically lying.
By starting out with “I’d never ”¦ ” Paul encouraged me to frame his behavior in the context of who I believed Paul to be—a good, loving, honest, and honorable man. The fact that he made a point of presenting himself as so moral while we were dating, and I believed and loved that about him, provided a smokescreen of perceived honestly to conceal his dishonesty. This alone gave him an incredible advantage over me. For me to have shed my entrenched view of Paul’s nature was all but impossible at that moment. I had just married him and had a vested interest in believing in his inherent goodness. Before you judge me as naïve or stupid, keep in mind that we all perceive the world through a lens forged from our interpretation of past events and present expectations. For this and other reasons, it is almost impossible for us to see what we are not looking for, even when it is right in front of us.
A comical 1999 experiment conducted by psychologists Daniel Simons and Christopher Chabris that became the inspiration for their book on misperceptions we have about our mental abilities, The Invisible Gorilla: And Other Ways Our Intuitions Deceive Us, demonstrates our blindness to what we are not expecting. Their study involved two teams with three players each, two basketballs, and one gorilla (actually, a person in a gorilla suit). Subjects were asked to view a short video of the two teams passing a basketball back and forth. The task was to count the number of times the team wearing white passed the ball. In the middle of the short game, a person in a gorilla suit walked into the center of the scene, stopped, faced the camera, pounded its chest several times, and then lumbered away.
When the brief video concluded, viewers were asked how many times the white team had passed the ball. Then the experimenters asked if they noticed anything unusual about the game. Believe it or not, about half of those who counted the passes as instructed did not even notice the gorilla. Even when asked if they saw a gorilla, most of those who viewed the tape laughed, because the idea of a gorilla being part of the video was preposterous. This study and its findings have been repeated consistently. It has become a classic and has been used to make several points about how our minds work, including that we tend not to see what we are not expecting to see, even when looking straight at it. After all, the task was framed as counting passes among players with white shirts, not finding a big, out-of-place, faux, hairy primate. Similarly, as Paul’s new bride, without even knowing that I was doing it, I was framing each interaction by looking for confirming evidence that I had selected a wonderful spouse. I certainly was not looking for signs that Paul was a lying, manipulative sociopath.
Still, Paul’s caustic comment that he, and he alone, determined when the honeymoon was over did not fit my “Paul is a wonderful person” framework. So, like any other human being, I was motivated to make a mental adjustment so that my perception of Paul’s behavior and my understanding of Paul’s character were in harmony once again. In other words, I had to resolve the dissonance between his statement that “I’d never ”¦ ” and the fact that I thought he had just done something he said he would never do. To this end, it was easier for me to shift my perception of what I thought Paul said the previous night to fit the assumption that my new husband was a wonderful man than to hold onto my initial, albeit correct, memory of the tense exchange. To hold onto that correct memory would have required me, within days of our wedding, to have drastically deflated my assessment of Paul’s character and to have concluded I had just made a horrible mistake by marrying him. Tall order!
In addition to framing his comment and employing cognitive dissonance to make it hard for me to conclude that Paul could ever lie to me, he actually lied to me without technically uttering any words that were untrue. Think about what Paul said and what he did not say. Paul never said, “I did not say that.” If he had, that would have been a lie. Perhaps because it made the game of deception more engaging, Paul preferred an orchestrated misperception to an outright untruth, although he was comfortable with downright lies when necessary. What did Paul say? Simply that he would “ ”¦ never say something like that.” That is not the same thing. In fact, if at the very moment he spoke that sentence Paul did not intend to say something like that, his statement would have been technically true.
Paul’s next line, “Do you really think I would say that?” employed the technique of answering a question with a question. And it was not just any question but a question that redirected my focus away from Paul’s behavior to defending my character (i.e., Am I the kind of person who accuses my husband of being purposely hurtful?). This was another effective evasion technique. Without being aware of this tactic, I was immobilized. Paul succeeded in getting me to feel defensive, as if I needed to explain and justify my words. Without resorting to an outright lie, Paul had cleverly diverted me from the truth, made me question my memory, and made me feel guilty for doubting him.
Imperfect memory is another technique Paul used to obfuscate. When I pressed the point, he countered with, “I don’t remember saying that ”¦” Again, that was true technically. Neither Paul nor I have a photographic memory. Absent a recording, neither of us could have remembered exactly what was said the previous day.
When I persisted and commented that I remembered him saying something like that, Paul employed the “I was just joking” defense. In other words, if I was correct that Paul had said anything even close to what I thought he said, it could only have been a joke, because Paul was such a nice person that he would never have done something hurtful on purpose.
When I clung to my correct perception that Paul had not been kidding, Paul’s defense turned to subtle character assassination that made me question myself by suggesting that I was oversensitive and couldn’t take a joke. “You were clearly over sensitive last night,” he said. Bullies often use this technique to shirk responsibility for their cruel acts. If the bully’s behavior hurt his target’s feelings, it was only because the target lacked a sense of humor or was neurotically defensive or sensitive, not because the bully did anything a reasonable person would have ever taken seriously. Then, to prove that he or she is not overly sensitive or lacking a sense of humor, the target of the hurtful behavior often reneges on the assertion that the bully’s behavior was caustic. Score one for bullies everywhere!
When none of these approaches sealed the deal, Paul used the sociopath’s ultimate trump card—pity. He seduced me into feeling badly for him. “But now, you’re getting me upset.” By design, this pulled at my heart strings and got me to disengage.
To buy a little extra insurance, Paul repackaged his attempt to turn the tables and to get me to sound the retreat by saying, “It seems you’re calling me a liar.” Gavin de Becker calls this type of subtle character assassination “typecasting.” By labeling me again in an unflattering way—as someone who is not only overly sensitive but who would also call her new husband a liar—Paul set me up a second time to prove an unflattering label untrue. The ultimate irony here was that, although he had lied, I had not called him a liar. By accusing me of doing so, he distracted me yet again from his lie and put me on my heels as I sought to reassure my new husband that, as a kind person who loved him, I would never call him a liar.
Once we reached this point, there were only two likely endings: my capitulating and apologizing for being upset and for upsetting Paul, accompanied by an unsettling “What just happened?” feeling, or Paul getting angry with me for unreasonably persecuting him. Either unsatisfying conclusion would create a negative association with my attempt to discuss an upsetting situation with Paul, thereby reducing the likelihood that I would try to have such a discussion again. It was exhausting—and it was meant to be. Final score: Paul 10 — Onna 0. The sociopath wins!
Although Paul did not use the technique in this particular conversation, another ploy he used often was to distract and discredit with irrelevant details. As if in a court of law, once he established that he believed I had misremembered something trivial (like recalling that we had started dinner at 6:30 p.m. when he was sure, whether or not he was actually correct, it was closer to 6:10) then, by implication, the rest of my memory was also flawed, rendering all of my concerns and observations moot, because clearly they were not grounded in reality.
Many sociopaths are wordsmith wizards, skilled storytellers, and expert debaters. Beware, because the yarns they spin and the arguments they win tie you up in knots and leave you deflated, however, they have little to do with the truth and nothing to do with constructive conflict resolution. If you are unaware of the manipulative techniques involved (as I was), such conversations are “crazy making,” as if you are being spun on a perpetual merry-go-round. If this is how you feel after trying to resolve conflicts with your partner, start keeping a journal, because befuddling, unsatisfying, and chronically one-sided “resolutions” to conflicts may be a strong indicator you are dealing with a sociopath. Your written record will help establish that fact long after your memory of past events begins to fade or is distorted beyond recognition through your sociopathic partner’s manipulations.
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Notes
Identifying names, places, events, characteristics, etc. that I discuss here and in my book have been altered to protect the identity of everyone involved.
My new dog offers a lesson in letting go
My head is spinning.
What fantastic writing.
Thank you.
Thank you ON Ward for another great chapter. As I sit here pondering today’s lesson, sociopaths manipulative use of language, I can’t help feeling a bit foolish for falling for my spath’s use of this technique. At first it’s hard to spot the word salad but after a while I grew frustrated with it as I must have been in to him for sometime. I used to think why can’t you ever speak plainly and clearly-especially for him since he had a better command of the English language than most. Now, since I only deal with him in writing, his word salad is so plain it is laughable. One of the beauties of the written word is that it is immutable. And since I only deal with the spath in writing or in the presence of a court reporter, I see that he is incapable (at least with his dealings with me) to speak in anything else but word salad, quasi lies, vagueness, counterattacks etc… Luckily the judge can see through it and has nailed him in his nonanswer answers.
Just wanted to support this EXCELLENT article and say that I started keeping a journal because the conversations I had with my ex were so BIZARRE that I tried to figure out what I said and what he said… and thus figured out how he was twisting and changing the very meanings of words.
I thought I was recording me being crazy, unable to process logic. BUT…by doing this, I have a record of my abuse. And because it continued over years, I have a LONG record and a TIMELINE, proof of things done TO ME. For some, this can be evidence of abuse. Turns out, it’s proof of my defense if murder was successful, it shows that I was NOT an aggressor, even if I did yell and cry and beg and sob uncontrollably…. it shows that I was NOT a threat to him.
Funny isn’t it, that what I did to help keep my head straight was what NORMAL people do. If my ex kept such a journal, it would have revealed his duplicity and manipulations. In all my journals, my words were to one focus, trying to figure out how to make things better so we would have a happy marriage. Not once did I seek to justify why it was okay to abuse another… because abuse was not what I was doing, abuse was done TO ME, not BY ME.
Once you know your abuser is a sociopath, then you can start to figure out what techniques they employ to control and dominate and harm. O.N.Ward book is so very valuable for this.
Just wanted to encourage others to keep a journal for the very reason ON Ward describes here…
I initially started a journal b/c I was afraid I was developing early onset alzheimers. My ex convinced me that convos either took place or did not take place at all. I had thought we resolved a decision and I counted on that decision in the choices I made, only to hear from my ex that the convo never happened (and again, his abusive response was warranted b/c he was married to a ‘crazy’ B). So my journal was a secret one, just for me to keep straight what I thought I said, and what I thought I heard from him. SO that later, when he disavowed his words, I wrote that down too. And voila, I realized I was being flim flamed (my term for his re-statement of what actually happened).
There are SO many examples… and I don’t know why I stayed past those first few months except for what I wrote early on, there it is in black and white, my words “I am going to have to ignore a lot of what (ex name) says or I won’t have a marriage.”
WOW. That’s ME writing truth and wisdom, and I forgot I wrote that until I read it. Like ON Ward, I didn’t want to give up my marriage for a few arguable words. But had I known about sociopaths and covert abusers, I would have seen this ENORMOUS RED FLAG for what it was.
I think that when you feel you need to have a tape recorder and an attorney handy every time you have a simple conversation with someone, suspect sociopathy. Normal people do not lie, then constantly back up and imply that they never said that.
Stargazer
You are stating true common sense. Your words have been so valuable, validating, and healing for me.
I look back now and am amazed at my stupidity, I was SO caught up in crazymaking! I truly did think that if I could just get understood, my whole world would fall into place. In my defense, I did not know what a sociopath was then. However, once I did, THEN and ONLY then, my whole world made sense again.
Thank GOD for LoveFraud… shortening the cog dissonance for victims everywhere. Shining the path to healing. And giving sanity to those who felt alone and stuck in mindboggling abuse.
SO ON TARGET. Only mine had a good grasp on writing A friend who red one of their letters to me was shocked & said I need to be very careful as they were very inteligent. They would also spend a lot of time researching a matter so they could use big words to make it look like they knew they were right. They used the emotions argument to make it look like I was overeacting and used words to even have me think maybe I did overeact or was too suspicious of innocent actions. I planned leaving at times but they would manipulate me to stay. My spath tho did get the courts to believe the lies. They made it look like they were the victim and I was manipulating. They would spin lies to their favor and if you could prove it after then perjury is never tried. It wasn’t til years later I could see they had an affair when they made things look so innocent then. They even did it almost in front of me but were just friends and joking if I said anything. They did alot of sneaky stuff outside court that wasn’t considered major enough to mention in court so the judge never saw it. They even masked threatening comments to look innocent so judge didn’t see them as threatening. They got everything their way thru court and left me too broke to fight it. They even had the judge believe I had manipulated a licensed & respectable expert witness so the judge dismissed their testimony as being overstated. Another judge previously saw their lies but this one was too dumb to see the truth. I confronted the judge after the final ruling with evidence of the lies that couldn’t be refuted and told him he should feel proud that he was so easily duped and should pick another job since he was so bad at it he allowed himself to be used. Case closed nothing more he could do so I didn’t hold back making sure he knew just how badly he was used. I can pick myself back up again. At least I don’t have to deal with the spath now.
Oh and they also would wear me out arguing and suggest we talk about it later but later would never come so the matter was never addressed.
Sorry. Don’t mean to add more but there’s stuff I just didn’t think of before I hit post.
Spath had a criminal record of drug abuse that they were able to make it look like it happened a long time ago and they no longer did that. A lie. They even justified the drugs they had me believing they weren’t doing anything wrong. And they managed to wiggle out of criminal charges too with lies & made it look like I was crazy to the court. Again even with expert witnesses that the judge didn’t believe.
I think it’s worth considering why O.N. had approached her honeymoon with the intent of “framing each interaction by looking for confirming evidence that I had selected a wonderful spouse.” I say this because I think there are a few things at play in our lives, culturally, that we as women, can be somewhat unaware of. First, it seems to me that girls are taught at a fairly young age to defer to boys/men, to refuse to challenge boys/men on the things they say or do, and to refuse to recognize bad behaviors by boys/men or to minimize those behaviors. Along with those cultural — shall we say “sexist” — teachings to girls/women, there is a general societal distaste and condemnation for being a quitter or quitting something that one has embarked upon. Together, these “teachings” make some girls/women — even smart ones — unwilling to question or challenge boys/men. Unlike O.N., when I encountered a derogatory, controlling and undesirable statement coming from my new husband on the very day that we checked out of our honeymoon suite, instead of trying to find a way for him to be right and me to wrong, the very first thought that crossed my mind was “I just made a big mistake in marrying this guy.” Also, unlike O.N., I did not allow my husband to “weigh in” on his behavior. I did not ask him about it or try to dialogue with him about it — I saw what I saw and I heard what I heard and I didn’t need to have him confirm that for me (or give him the opportunity to characterize it as something else once he knows the microscope is on him). Why did I approach that situation so much differently than O.N. did? Why did I not question myself and my perceptions and defend my husband and his character as O.N. did? I am unsure whether or not my husband was a sociopath, but he was controlling, and I separated from him after 2 years (and divorced him shortly after that) because even though I didn’t know what a sociopath was then, I knew that I could not live the life I had embarked on with him, and even though it was humiliating to have to tell my family of my failure, I would not and could not stay in a relationship just to please others.
My ex-husband — if he was/is a sociopath — is not the only sociopath I have been involved in during my 59 years of life. But he is the only one I married. And he never got to the devaluation /discard stage because I left him first. The others that I encountered (possibly 2-4 others) also did not get to the devaluation/discard stage because I left them before that. But I could tell that something was so, so wrong with the dynamic of the relationship, and that’s what caused me to leave. For many, many years I have beaten myself up about never having a longish-term relationship in my life because of my propensity to end a relationship. Though I am an introvert and don’t necessarily want or need a relationship with a man, I still always felt somewhat defective because I would get into a relationship with a man and within 3 months to 3 years I would bolt. Sometimes that was out of a recognized incompatibility, but several times — as I now recognize — it was because my partner was disordered and I could not live with what he was offering me. (I have never had children, so leaving has been a relatively easy choice). But after stumbling upon this website a few months ago after narrowly escaping yet another sociopath (I dated this love-bomber for 6 weeks and I ended it before he managed to separate me from my clothing or money or anything else) I have been trying to understand why women find themselves in these situations in the first place. Unfortunately, a childhood friend of mine died last year after drinking herself to death, which I think was the result of her sociopathic ex-husband destroying her over a period of 25+ years. As it turns out, I do believe that one of my failings — my quitter’s attitude — is actually what has saved me in my dealings with between 2 and 5 sociopaths in my lifetime. If I had had the attitude that I just needed to persevere and keep trying, I would have fallen into the trap of letting my sociopath exert more and more influence over me. But because I am a quitter by nature, and because I learned at a young age not to defer to boys or men (I went to an all girl’s school), I have NEVER discounted my own perceptions of things. I say I am a quitter, but I have had a reasonably successful career as a lawyer, so I’m not a pathological quitter. But I think it’s time that we challenge this notion that women need to “work at” and “not give up on” relationships with men. If you are with a disordered man, the first thing you need to do is STOP working at it and GIVE UP on it. But if society is telling you that those are bad qualities to have, then unless you are an introvert like I am, you may not follow your own inner voice. This is what needs to change, so that women feel that its HEALTHY to leave a relationship, as opposed to feeling that its a sign of failure.
olderandwiser- I think it is healthy to leave a bad relationship. I have done that.
olderandwiser – terrific observations. I’m glad you were able to escape so many sociopaths. And yes, I think many women are socialized to “hang in there.” I think part of it is cultural – we receive so many messages that “everyone has a wounded child inside” and all we have to do is offer enough love to heal the person.
Men get these messages also – presented as “rescuing a damsel in distress.” But I think women really take them to heart.